It is later than you think

I have just met the self-titled "Archdruid" from next door. It being a Sunday she was out for a stroll for a traditional Sunday lunchtime "bracer", as she called it, at the White Horse. I was of course just returning from our 10 am morning worship.

The clocks going forward caught a few members of our church out this morning! How we laughed that they arrived exactly one hour late for the service. I'm pleased to say that we brought the "Prayers for Notorious Sinners" forward this morning - to just before we "just moved into a Time of Worship" for a second time- and as a result they mostly came in during the reading. So although they missed the chance to encounter God in prayer and the first and second times of worship they were still able to hear the whole sermon and join in the congregational response and the third and fourth times of worship.

Spring Harvest

No, we're not to Spring Harvest this year.

I'm not going. So no-one's going. Drayton's not going - not after last year. When he found our Burton was only going in the hope of meeting a single, female vicar. And Burton's definitely not going. Not after last year's failure.

I've been phoned by Spring Harvest twice now, asking if I'm going. No I'm not.  Hope everyone who goes has a good time. But we'll have to have an alternative week of teaching, preaching and modern worship here. Burton's still learning how to tune the ukulele, but he's hopeful that by April he'll be able to manage "Our God Reigns". You can't get much more modern than that.

In Defence of Worship Leaders

I've been thinking about our rather ambivalent attitude to worship leaders. And coming to the conclusion that I'm ambivalent about our ambivalent attitudes.

Just reflecting, it seems to me that some people can have a hero-worshipping view of worship leaders. Which I accept is wrong. Because if you're hero-worshipping a worship leader, whose worship is the worship-leader leading?

But I shall leave that to one side and concentrate more on the other aspect of the conundrum. That's the one where worship leaders are criticised for having a pop-star attitude, or effectively criticised for enjoying leading worship - if they're musicians, for performing, and if they're not, for getting a power-trip from leading.

And it strikes me as a little unfair, that. Well, actually it strikes me as a lot unfair. You don't get people referring to the pastoral visitors and saying "well of course they'd do that - after all, they get a being needed buzz out of it. And they like visiting people." You don't hear "well, of course the flowers are well-arranged. They don't do it for God - they like arranging flowers. They get a real kick out of a nice setting of Michaelmas Daisies." You don't hear people complaining about the people that made the cakes for the cake stall, that they like baking.

And maybe it's because the worship leaders are so obviously out the front. But it strikes me that they get more of that than anyone. And then it strikes me that no-one works as hard for their rewards - if any. A singing worship-leader will spend time practicing their singing. And the guitar-playing worship leader will spend their time wearing callouses on the fingertips of their left hands, relentlessly playing the same four chords, and holding chord charts upside down wondering how to do which diminished seventh. While an organ-playing worship leader will typically spend a lot of time under the machine, up to their knees in dust and spiders wondering why the contra-trombone's a bit low this morning.

And if the worship leader is part of the worship group, it gets worse. All those evenings spent practicing segues between songs. All that time explaining to the guitarist that it's written "segue", not "segway". All those count-ins and intros to practice. All that time spent explaining to the bass player that if you hold up one finger it means "back to verse one", whereas two fingers means "back to verse two". And all that comforting the bass player and telling him that really, it's OK - he can count that high.

So you can see that, while you may think it's a breeze being a worship leader and all about getting the praise of men and women - it's not. It's about pain and sacrifice and prayer - about having the humility to lead others into a place of worship and trying to step back. Of being a performer, sure - but one who, when you step back from the performance, will so often not allow oneself to ask the question all performers want to ask - "was I any good?"

So be kind to your worship-leaders. They're just ordinary people. Thank you very much, Husborne Crawley. You've been great. Good night.

Sitting Comfortably

Dear Readers, in the light of Archdruid Eileen's comments on  Worship Rules, and in particular seating arrangements, she asked me if I could do some analysis for her on the different ways of seating for acts of worship. She particularly wanted me to find some insights for her - but I hope that it may help you to understand the different ways of arranging worshippers in many different traditions.

"Preaching Box Pews"

The use of pews became particularly important during the Age of Empire. It was important for the governing classes that the working classes became used to arranging themselves in long lines, as when they were sent to war it made them more disciplined when walking through enemy lines.

 This example is designed to fit in maximum worshippers into a space - which as you can see above is working terribly well. In this example, either "A" and "B" are a couple who have been married for less than one year, or "B" is seriously freaking "A" out.

Pews with Pillars
Of course, Church of England churches have to work around architecture that may have been built centuries ago. You couldn't just go taking out the pillars that held the roof up in the interests of pew packing efficiency. Therefore the pew arrangement has to work with the pre-existing architecture.

In the example above, the worshippers have arranged themselves around the pillars in such a way that they can see the preacher. "A" and "B", on the other hand, are taking advantage of the "dead zones" behind the pillars, to ensure the preacher can't see what they're up to.

Christmas in the Pews
 When the Carol service comes round, it is discovered that pews actually aren't the most efficient way of packing them in. In a once-a-year concession, chairs are allowed in to increase the number of worshippers that can fit in.

Seats
Removing pews from old churches can cause great upset.  However the use of seating can increase the informality of the service, and ensure worshippers have a more comfortable worship experience. i.e. it is easier for them to fall asleep during the sermon. It is hoped that this will encourage higher attendance.

However for some this is a step too far. Instead sometimes it is agreed that we should go for...

The Compromise

 The lure of the comfy seats has not overcome the desire to be out of eye-contact range from the preacher. The preacher has invited the people sitting at the back to "move forward to show we are one body". "A" and "B" are seriously considering ducking behind the pew in front.

The whole idea of the chairs was that they could be removed or moved around sometimes, to allow something more creative at the front. So far this hasn't happened, but in the fear that one day this could mean Liturgical Dance, the senior Stewards are thinking that they might have to nail the chairs down.

Raked Seating

The great advantage of seats is that you can achieve more informal arrangements - such as the raked angles of the seating here. This means that we can feel more all together, rather than being sermon cannon fodder - but without the disadvantage of having to make eye contact with other congregation members.

"C" and "D" have identified the great advantage of the raked arrangement. They get a row to themselves, and nobody can do anything about it.

"In the round"
This is the logical conclusion of seating. Knowing that we're never going to get as many attending as the building was designed for, we can put chairs "in the round". This is a typical arrangement in the Beaker Moot House.

You will see how "in the round" combines informality with maximum embarrassment, as congregation members desperately try to avoid eye contact with the people opposite - especially in the blessing at the end, as all the men try to look at the floor, and avoid holding hands with any other men they were unwise enough to sit next to.

This can also be the most entertaining of seating arrangements - as every time the congregation stands up to sing a song, you can remove a couple of chairs. When the music stops, however, try to avoid sitting on the Archdruid's lap.

The circular arrangement also emphasises that we are all equal. Whereas in the other arrangements the focus of the seating was the preacher at the front, when seated "in the round" even the Archdruid's throne is just one of the seats in the circle. Although we have to space the adjacent seats out slightly to make space for the dais.

Retro Choruses Week - Shine Jesus Shine

To mark the Solstice, we're declaring this to be "Retro Choruses Week".

Today to celebrate "Shine Jesus Shine" we're all going to be wearing chunky sweaters and toothy grins.

Singing the first verse we're going to remember it wasn't so bad after all, bringing back memories of the "Squelch for Jesus", that time the heavens opened while we were walking round the quieter estates of Milton Keynes. But, as is traditional, in the third verse the music group will start mumbling as they realise they can't quite remember the words and can't see the OHP. The OHP sheet will, also in keeping with tradition, have been hand-written, in a hurry, by somebody with poor handwriting. Who doesn't possess a proper overhead projector pen.

To get that authentic "1989" feeling, we will then sing the last chorus 73 times, until we decide it's time to bury it for another 20 years.

On those congregations whose musical leaders still think this song is trendy, have mercy.

Irony breaks out, for a change

That really was a beautifully-orchestrated arrangement of "When the Music Fades" this evening. Lovely lush strings.

Modern theories of Liturgical Procession

It's such a dilemma, isn't it? The way things have changed in sermon approach. I mean, these days you find you need to keep banging the theology in hard to get the congregation on the back foot. You have to count on a bit of uneven bounce to catch them out.

Not like the old days, when you'd try to keep the theological level up quite a long way, keep bringing the congregation forward. I guess in those days it was the uncovered pulpits that did it.

So it's changed the arrangement of our processions. Once we'd keep the acolytes nice and straight. But nowadays we have to sacrifice one of them to use in the sweeper position.

Spring Harvest Reflections

Beloved Brothers and Sisters, I go through these experiences so you don't have to. Indeed, only one as strong in faith as myself could be expected to get through this without flinching.
I have seen young people brought to faith, this week. And yet I have also seen women leading worship and even teaching. I have seen a bishop in an open-neck shirt, instead of the Papish regalia I would expect of a bishop. It puzzles and saddens and disappoints me, and I am sore afflicted by doubt.

I have seen lively worship, and people knowing an experience of God. And I have reflected that they didn't deserve it, especially given that type of worship. Too much happiness and not enough fear and trembling.

And at least once in this last week I have heard the word "enculturation". And I have shuddered. For it is this word that above all tells me all that is wrong about the modern Church.

But still I am inspired. Inspired by this example of how to go wrong. How can we hope to win souls if we read from a Bible translation that is easily comprehensible, when the Inerrant word of God was written in Jacobean English? How can we bring the country to its knees in prayer unless we look it straight in the eye and challenge it with its failings of iniquity and transgressions? Surely we must tell people that they have gone "a-whoring with their own inventions" - no matter how much that makes them laugh? We must nail the colours of a 6-day creation to the mast of our faith. Or vice-versa. I am still working on that metaphor.

No, I will guard the souls of my flock and myself, and we will cling faithfully on until Christ returns. And I will  return to stand in the Dunstable Quadrant or the Brunel Centre in Bletchley, and shout at Society through my megaphone until Society sees the error of its ways.  I will climb on my watchtower and watch - although few will hear the call, even fewer will understand it, and maybe none will act on it. That's what Mission is all about.

Chumminess in worship

Burton Dasset has really not taken the idea of a godly holiday seriously.

Immediately after the events at the "Big Top" yesterday he went off to discover what the local pubs are like. He came back two hours later to announce that the three or four he'd visited had no real ale. He said it with deep regret, and the reflection that it was only Guinness that stood between him and despair.

And this afternoon he has unfolded his foldy bike and headed off in the Skegness hinterlands in search of real ale. But before he went he was able to create a chart for me.

It all comes down to some words I have heard from a bishop in the "Worship Zone" - which turned out to be, not a marble-floored chapel with salutary texts on the walls as you might imagine, so much as a big white tent next to a main road. The bishop was hard to identify, since he wore an orange shirt and was working in partnership with a young woman who was not compelled to check that what she said was in accordance with the bishop before she said it. What is the Church of England coming to?  At this rate they will have women bishops before you know it.

As I understood it, the bishop said that there is a range of responses to God in worship, ranging from awe to "chumminess". To be fair he did seem slightly to distinguish himself from "chumminess" as a concept. I prefer to think that Church of England bishops might regard God rather with a manly respect. In the same way that they have exchanged a kiss of brotherhood for the limp handshake of mild regard in their Peace.

But it is not a continuum I have ever considered. For myself, I would see the worship continuum as being from Manly Respect through to Awe. However, in an ecumenical mood - for I am in that "letting one's hair down" frame of mind, even going so far as to have my top button undone beneath my Hope Springs Bible College tie - I have included it in the following chart.

I think this triangle of opposing forces is all fairly clear. It is clear that, as one grows in "chumminess", one becomes increasing devoid of the fear and awe that is the proper response to the one we only dare to cringe as we call "Sovereign and most Awesome Lord". However it is safe, I believe, to move along the line from Terror to Manly Respect - always remembering that even Manly Respect is not to grasp at equality with God, merely to recognise ourselves as men (and, in certain circumstances, women) who are saved and therefore able to approach, with however much fear and trembling, the throne.

In general, the red circle on the diagram identifies about the optimum position - mostly terrified, somewhat respectful (in a manly kind of way - none of that silly emoting) and never, never "chummy".

In concluding I must say that I am delighted that in these modern days that one does not find mildew on the walls in one's chalet. My parents would often take me to holiday camps as a child, and it does rather use up a young fundamentalists's time on such a holiday, desperately trying to find a Jewish priest to inspect your chalet walls.

De-frag your congregation™

Worship not warming up so quickly in the mornings? General sense of apathy? Nasty grinding noises at the congregational meetings? Things over-heating?  Maybe things are getting a bit fragged-up. It's time to De-frag your Congregation™ .

This is a newly-formatted congregation. The loyal worshippers are up the front to hear the preacher, packed in closely to show their spiritual unity.

As members join and leave, the congregation becomes more fragmented. Empty seats start to appear, where worshippers used to sit but no longer do.

Some "bad sectors" can form, while other types of worshipper can appear and start to interfere with the smooth operation of your congregation. Things are becoming increasingly fragmented.The performance of the worship group starts to degrade.

This is when you need to De-frag your Congregation™.  De-frag your Congregation™  goes through the fellowship, re-arranging it into a more efficient format. The Bad Sectors are grouped out of the way (ideally making the coffee), where they can't do any more harm . Worship is once again efficient - and you'll be glad you used De-frag your Congregation™

If you're happy with De-frag your Congregation™ , Church Mouse has suggested to me that you also need the Biocidal handwash. If Swine flu comes back, you'll be glad of the extra virus protection.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

The Baptibus Redivivus

Dear friends, whether saved or on a downward spiral towards perdition. It has been a truly wonderful morning’s worship.

Earlier in the week Marjorie and I had been on an evangelistic tour of Bedfordshire. And not without our labour bearing fruit. For we had five people desirous of attending our worship. Although, in a manner that is becoming familiar from our old ministry in Frisby on Soar, they are rather widely scattered.  One in Pepperstock, one in Farndish, one in Whipsnade, one in Clophill and one in Leighton Buzzard. There was another potential convert we found in Leighton Buzzard on Thursday, but it turned out he’d just come into town from Stewkley. That being over the border in the Vale of Aylesbury, we found it best to reject his request, and direct him to find a godly fellowship in his own county. You’ve got to have limits.

Not least as none of them know how to drive. Still, if the apostles could go to the 12 tribes of Israel and the 70 nations of the Gentiles, then we could venture to take the Good News to the Manshead Hundred. And so, early this morning, Marjorie borrowed the Beaker people's Shuttle and headed off round the county to collect our worshippers.

Naturally we expected them to be slightly late. It is, after all, a two and a half hour trip to collect them all. Amazing to consider that one small county could take so long to drive around.  So when I started my sermon and they still had not arrived, I was unsurprised. Then after a couple of minutes there was a bit of a commotion outside the chapel door, and eleven of the Beaker Folk came in. They listened to a small portion of the sermon - maybe twenty minutes or so - but when I said that I was now moving on to the second of the ten commandments, they all walked out again.

Marjorie and the others eventually arrived during the last hymn. Sat around afterwards drinking coffee and chatting and then I left to carry them all home again. I'm afraid I was unable to witness successfully as several of them insisted on having the radio on to listen to the FA Cup. And when I finally arrived home, I was surprised to find how many new items from Dobbie's at Fenny Stratford had appeared in  our suite. Odd, really. I wonder how they all arrived?

But I feel deeply blessed.  For with my regular congregation, together with the stray Beaker People and the late-comers in the Shuttle, we have achieved a record congregation. Truly we are being blessed.

I am not normally one to watch televisual entertainments, but this evening I am borrowing the equipment off  Mrs Hnaef to play a film that she is lending me. "Deliverance" is a ministry that is most neglected in certain sections of the Church, so I am glad to see that someone has produced a documentary. It promises to be an interesting evening.

A period of worship prior to the Service

I cannot help but wonder at this sentence from a local Baptist church:


"There is sometimes a period of worship prior to the start of the service: we invite you to join in."


I presume that when the service starts, the worship stops?

The Worship /Music Graph

Dear reader, the Archdruid has asked me if I could knock up one of my quick graphs. So here it is.

This is in response to a debate on musical complexity, quality and worship on Banksyboy's excellent and thought-provoking blog.

In essence, it maps depth of worship intensity against musical complexity. Now clearly these words are emotive and therefore I need to issue lots of caveats:

(a) This graph is assuming a uniform quality of musical performance -i.e. somebody who is good enough to play quite complex music, but not necessarily doing so. So not the Beaker Band, equipped as they are with an out-of-tune banjo, a badly-played bodhran and an ocarina.

(b) Of course you can worship without music at all. "Worship" and "Music" are not synonymous. But the minute music starts, it tends to define the worship for that period of time. That is why the value "0" for music does not have a corresponding "worship" value.

(c) On the music scale, a complexity value of "1" is roughly equivalent to somebody banging a piece of corrugated iron with a mallet. "15" is a piece of Messiaen played by an organist accompanied by mail voice choir, bag pipes and marching brass band. So 6 or 7 would be round about a small choir and organ singing some Stanford, or a 5-piece rock & roll worship band, playing something by Delirious?

(d) That question mark in (c) isn't mine. It belongs to Delirious?

(e) Rats. Did it again. It's really very confusing.

Burton's Worship Meter - Wesleyans

Dear Readers - I have had such an exciting day!

As part of my education in the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley - what the Archdruid calls my "indoctrination" - she has allowed me to write my thesis on Worship Dynamics.

I have developed a method of assessing the spiritual involvement and emotional engagement of worshippers by using the Spurgeonometer. This simple technical device returns a measure of Spiritual Temperature, which is expressed in Spurgeons. 1 Spurgeon is equivalent to listening to a a preacher telling you about the funny thing they said to someone on holiday, or to an extended reading from Numbers on a cold morning in February when the heating's broken. While at the middle of a period of Pentecostal praise 'n' worship, or for the elevation of the host at a Papal Mass, we would anticipate readings of up to 2 or 3 kiloSpurgeons.

However you need to monitor the part of a worshipper's body most involved in their form of worship. Curiously this turns out to be different parts of the bodies of different traditions. For example, for Liberals it has to be used on the head. For Pentecostals it monitors the heart. For Methodists, you get the best results from the vocal chords. While for Anglicans, you simply put the device in their pocket. Mind you, in that case you don't get a read-out.

I hope to be developing various graphs over the next few weeks - at least when the Archdruid lets me out. But I am glad to have produced my first experimental output this morning, from a local Methodist church. I hope you find it illuminating.

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Technical Notes: the output on the graph below is in Spurgeons. For those of American extraction who don't use "Imperial" measures, a Spurgeon is equivalent to 0.4 milliWimbers.

A guide to Worship Leading (II) - What to say

Useful things to say when leading worship
An important part of worship is knowing, in that almost prophetic way, what is the right thing to say at the right time.  But you know what it's like in the busy life of a worship leader.  Sometimes you just don't have the anointing.  So  I recommend a number of spiritual-sounding phrases you can use at any point when things need moving along.  You can write them on 3x5 index cards or, if you're the sort of fellowship that uses an autocue for the worship leader, get the teleprompt operator to stick them on there for when you look at a bit of a loose end...

---

"You know, I get the feeling that every single person in this congregation is feeling the love of God to the fullest right now.  Hallelujah!"

"Turn to the person to your right and say hello.  No - not all of you.... that's not going to work, is it?  OK, every other person, counting from the right, turn... no - not your right, my right..."

"It's been so nice to welcome the Shildon former Railwaymen and Miner's Outreach Group this evening. And we're coming to our last song, "I want to be out of my depth in your love".  And I think it would be nice if we all joined hands and sang this to each other."

"Now I don't want to offend anyone at this point, but it feels right to me that we all put our hands in the air..."

"Keith!  Kill that fox that's attacking Mrs Jones!  Quick!  Oh, no... it's OK, it's her hat."

"I get the feeling that someone, somewhere in this 500-person celebration is feeling like they have some kind of buried sin.  Something only they and God know about.  And I don't know who it is, but if whoever it is harbouring this vile and lurid sin would like to come down discreetly to Keith, they can receive prayer.  Keith is the one just below the stage, in the pink T-shirt and comedy hat, under the sign that says "Discreet repentance for vile perverted sinners."  No-one?  God's not going to be happy...."

"And now the women only to sing this verse.... and the men only to sing this one.... and now the left-handed albinos.  Sing UP, Derek!  We can't hear you!"

"Bronwen encouraged her son to claim he was only 13 to get a cheap bus fair.  So in accordance with Matt 18:6... Burton!  Where's that millstone?"

"Happiness is next to godliness!  Sadness is a sin!  Sadness is a sin!  God wants us all to show our joy by dancing as David danced!  Let's see you all dance.  No, not jiggle - DANCE!"

"So we've had a fantastic exposition on the Sermon on the Mount from our 24-year-old, pretty, Cambridge and Yale-educated young pastor, Lady Louella Fforbes-Smyth.  And if you feel you're letting God down in any way, or you feel unfulfilled or unloved, I'd like you all to come down the front... Stop! Stop!  Not all of you!!"

"God's love is so real!  Now I want you all to go and find someone you don't know too well and give them a hug.  Burton!  Put Stacey down!  Now!"

"We now move into the offertory hymn.  I don't want to pressurise you here, but things are a bit short at the Manse.  Basically, if we don't get the tithes we're eating the hamsters."

"You know, it's at times like this that the words of Ezra 4:2 come to me.  Now, I know you all know that reading, and it's probably dear to all your hearts, so let's just shout it out together."

A guide to Worship Leading (I)

Following on from our Worship Group Identification, I’ve been inundated with quite literally a question about the art – if I may call it that – of Worship Leading.
In fact, maybe art is the wrong word. Sometimes, as we study the interface between psychology, physiology, musicology and theology at which Worship Leading takes place, I think it could even be a science. So distilled from the experience of being, meeting with and frequently sacking worship leaders – here is my advice. Some of it’s practical, some theoretical. But I hope it’s all useful and thought-provoking. I feel this may be the first in a series, so today I’m just going to be focussing on two areas. Secondly we’ll look at worship leading from a musical perspective. But being aware that some worship leaders don’t play musical instruments, I’m going to start with Newbie Management.

Managing Visitors

You know how it is – somebody turns up whom you’ve never seen before. Now, you’ve been busy at the front sorting out the last-minute nervous breakdowns, fist-fights and panic attacks which will occur in the Worship Team before any act of worship. So you don’t know whether the newcomer is a visitor, or a potential first-time visiting member. And you also don’t know whether the newcomer has been welcomed by a regular member of your fellowship or not. What do you do?

1. Bring them up the front. Very important. Whoever they are, bring them up the front. Ask them to introduce themselves to their fellow worshippers. Feel free to ask them where they’ve come from and whether they’re likely to stay long.  Ask them what great thing has happened to them this week, and if it doesn't sound too great then push them for another.  Ask how they feel God is blessing them on a scale of 9 to 10.  If they have left another fellowship, ask whether they were previously keen tithe-givers. Men in particular love to be paid attention to in this way.

2. Allocate them a buddy. Once they’ve retreated to their place (oddly, people tend to move much faster back than they come to the front) – ask someone to “look after them” for the occasion.  I normally try to get Burton Dasset to do this, as conveniently he can then follow them around for the rest of the morning forcing Gift Aid forms into their hands.

3. The Freelance Prophet  Now, particularly for seaside congregations and for communities that have a fair turnover of pilgrims, like our own, we have an issue with what I call “Freelance Prophets”. Particularly at the more spontaneous fellowships, where people may be invited to bring forward “a word**”. The Freelance Prophet will rush to the front, convinced that they have been chosen this very week to impart something special. And unaware that last week, another Brummie Pentecostal came forward and said exactly the same words of encouragement. Which I guess may be telling us something…
Now that the Moot House has been completed, we like to invite Freelance Prophets down the front to the special “Freelance Prophecy” spot just in front of the Worship Focus. Then we pull the trap-door lever. We always fish them out of the brook at the end of the Ceremony – although by that time they can sometimes be down in the duck pond.

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Music

Again, I can only scratch the surface here. I’d just like to give you some ideas on keys and segues on this occasion.

Key Changes – between songs
Very important, this. When modulating between songs in two different keys, there are different approaches. One is to work through the change in practice with the Worship Group. You can find a great deal of advice on the chord sequences that will lead you from, say, G#m to F (as frequently happens in my experience). This will enable you to move smoothly through a number of intervening seventh and other bridging chords, and leave your congregation – or, as I prefer to think of them – “punters” perfectly prepared for the next song.

Alternatively, assuming you’re a guitarist or keyboard player, just bash out a few random chords and then kick straight on. Spontaneity is, as we all know, the most important aspect of worship. And with luck your fellow “band” members will catch up at some point in the next song*.

Key Changes – within songs

Crucial to any invocatory experience is what we might call the study of “worship dynamics”. Given a situation in which, for example, the worship is really taking off, or the punters seem a little stodgy and worship-leading is rather like stirring treacle – or, actually, any other case between these two – the best thing you can do is modulate in the key a full tone above what you are currently playing. Professors of Worshipology call this “knocking it up one”.  Or they do round here.  I realise it may have other connotations in other places.

It’s really important that you have some awareness of where your fellow band-members are, especially if you have a horn section. If, just after a chord shift, you hear the whispered words “double sharps”, or you become aware that the sax and trumpet players have formed a lynch mob, you will know that you have gone into a very wrong key. Best bet is to wrap it up quick and hand over to the preacher.

By the way – the concept of “knocking it up one” is subject to the Law of Diminishing Returns. If you do it once, you can add excitement and drama to the song – a sense of rising spiritual temperature. If you do it twice you may hit a key that the horn section can’t cope with. If you do eight times, three things will happen. Firstly you’ll end up in the same key you started from, just an octave higher. Secondly you’ll have sung that song at least eight times through. And thirdly you may find some members of the fellowship have turned blue and are laying around the place. This is not to be confused with any spiritual experience, and we suggest getting some medical help in before the victims get any closer to God than they really want at the this time.

Broken Cadences

Finally for the musical section on this occasion is the concept of a “broken cadence”. I’ve no idea if this is the right term, but it feels like it should be. As you are moving into the final cadence of a song – maybe everyone’s feeling like they’ve really “broken through” and are at one with the Divine – don’t play through to the last chord of the song and then finish as everyone expects. Just leave it hanging there. If you’re in C, and the last chord before you end is a G – just stop in G and leave it. If you really want to make the point, go for a short walk at this point.  If you get it right, some congregation members may fall over due to applying the musical and spiritual brakes so sharply, and then you can claim they’ve been slain in the Spirit.
* Annoyed band members very rarely physically assault the worship leader actually during an act of worship. And so far it has never resulted in anything worse that a few scratches, in my experience.
** “A” word implies the singular. If only.

Oddly enough, Banksyboy has been thinking about Worship songs today as well.  Go and have a look!  (NB  merely suggesting you go over there does not mean I agree with him.  Though I do.)

Worship Group Classification Index

Here in Husborne Crawley, we don't have too much trouble with the "Worship" or "Music" group*. Mostly because we set our sights very low.  After all, when the group consists of an out-of-tune flute, a bodhran and a badly-played 4-string** banjo, there's a limit to how good it can get.  Although, curiously, no limit to how bad it can be.
As with putting together the right character types - Visionary, Administrator, Tea-Maker etc - in a work group,  it's important to know the people you're throwing together into a worship or music group and why.  Are you aiming for Peter Paul and Mary, Hillsong, St John's Cambridge, or a Matt Redman tribute band? 
But when you read the following, don't forget - they put the time in and do it all for nothing, except in the unlikely event you're a member of a Central London Mega-church. And if you're out there listening and moaning, it's a fair bet they're still far better than you'll ever be.
Here's a little guide. 

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The "Any key" guitarist (I) - will cheerfully play in any key, as long as she has a capo.  Only actually knows 4 chords, and takes 4 bashes at any diminished chord as it's too much trouble to learn which is which ("but there's only 4 in reality")

The "Any key" guitarist (II) - self-taught genius with fingers of such great strength and dexterity that he can play a barre chord anywhere up the neck.  Unfortunately this has made him lazy, so he's only learnt two chord shapes.  7ths, sus's, min6 - forget it.  And as for diminished - he'll just play the major chord with the same name, so get used to those exquisite chord sequences breaking the hearts of the more musically-sensitive.

The Bodhran player - Lured by thoughts of Celtic scenery, the call of the Wild Goose and the taste of Guinness.  Spends his whole time wondering why the band insists on playing Delirious stuff, when it doesn't go with a bodhran.  It doesn't matter what they're playing, anyway, as he has no sense of rhythm.

The "Trendy Vicar" - normally balding and in his forties (rarely a woman, and if a woman even less frequently balding) - the Trendy Vicar will be playing Fender Stratocaster.  Badly.  And trying to adorn every song - even "Purify my heart" or "Potter's Hand" - with AC/DC or U2 riffs.

The Saxophonist - there's no song, and no part of any song, that can't be improved by the addition of an improvised sax solo.  Apparently.

The Worship leader - if you think your service is too short, and your sermons not challenging enough,  why not appoint a worship leader?  Then you can have ten minutes of poorly-thought out theology and home-spun wisdom before every song.

The Drummer - the Drummer is a valuable and appropriate member of the band in the proper place.  The proper place normally being a different building, from where he can be heard at a reasonable volume.

The Bassist - The only one who can communicate with the drummer***

The Converted Organist - of any age, and any gender, several or none.  Will cheerfully join in but, due to years of having undisputed control of the music, will play things at their own pace.  "There's a place where the streets shine" will be stretched into a funeral march, while "Kum By Yah" will be thrashed.  If only.

The Thomas Hardy freak - constantly demands to sing 18th century carol music - even in June - and introduce a viol da gamba or serpent into the music group. Hates the Oxford Movement and everything they stood for - like dignified worship and choirs that sing in tune and do what they're told.

The Prodigy - Six years old, and able to muster a wide range of note between B# and C.  But Mum's a force to be reckoned with on the Worship Committee, so little Torquil (or, as it may be, Abigael) is in the band.  People have been known to strangle cats to cover up the noise.  Not to be confused with the people that produced "Firestarter".  They're far less scary.

The X-Factor - Vocalist whose dedication to singing with an American accent would mean she'd sing Greensleeves with one if that's what the group was playing.  Can make any song, whether of touching spirituality, or aggressive and triumphant victory over evil, sound like it's in a West End musical.

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* How do you define the difference between a "Worship" and a "Music" group?  Our working premise is this - if they're involved in any way in an act of worship they must be a "Worship" group.  A sub-set of these are actually musical.  So a "Music" group, de facto, must be a better thing to have because they are always also a "Worship" group.   Unless you've mis-booked and you've actually got Slipnot due to an administrative error.
** It's actually a 5-string banjo, but one string's broke and Young Keith can't work out how to get another string onto it.
*** Yeah, old joke...

Depth and Shallows in Worship

Over at Rev Helen's blog, and at Eternal Echoes, a debate is going on about what we might describe as "good" worship" in its different ways - considering depth and spontanaeity and liturgy and structure.
I always find that worship is safest on your own. If two or three are gathered together in Husborne Crawley, you end up with a bunch of waxed gibbons running around the place, or a tea light exploding or the sound and smell of the sin-shredder burning out as someone shoves a pound of Play-doh into it or the choir floating gently over Aspley Guise. And then the Archdruid gets busy with her Slazenger V400 and the sound of weeping is heard in Husborne Crawley.
And I guess that comes down to an endless desire for novel experience. If you seek to come before the Divine in worship, you may well find what you're looking for. But if you are constantly looking for a new way of playing the bodhran, or the spiritual effect of the G#m chord, or radical and exciting ways of burning incense, then it all becomes a "what's next" kind of worship.
So instead of looking for the heart of God you're always looking over your shoulder wondering when someone's going to release the balloons, or the flock of doves, or the sheep, or the Beaker Bread's going to be delivered to your seat on the model railway or whatever it may be.
Personally I just find digging holes spiritually fulfilling. I like digging holes and filling them in again.
Shame the earth's frozen solid.

Limitations on Alternative Worship

Now, everybody knows I like Alternative Worship.  In fact, nobody likes a nice bit of alternative worship more than me.  Except Mrs Hnaef, of course.  And Edith Weston.  Oh yes, and particularly Sally Coleman.  In fact, thinking about it, most people like alt.worship more than me.

Take this evening's Freezing Up of Beakers service.  Now, I've encouraged Hnaef when he's wanted to use incense.  I'll be honest, I'm not always a big fan of it.  But I was supportive.  And I ensured he got the nice Catholic incense, which goes up to heaven, not the Anglican stuff that hangs around at ground level.
But Heelys?  Who suggested to Hnaef that Heelys, of all the things on Gaia's good earth, were a good idea for the thurifer?

Oh sure, it looked very impressive, as poor Marston Mortaine glided ceremonially down the central aisle in the Dining Room, flanked by a tea-lightifer on either side.  Graceful.  Elegant. Their Blue hi-biz glowing under the UV lighting that Hnaef insisted would add the finishing touches to the procession.  Diminished only slightly by Marston's technique of swinging the thurible manically around his head.  Made the people sitting next to the aisle duck, I can tell you.

Hnaef had told me that his plan was for the three of them, in their flowing graceful movements, to resemble a very small flock of wild geese as they soar in V-formation.  In the event they resembled a very small flock of large turkeys, as they suddenly realised they hadn't learnt how to slow down.  Smashing into the French Windows like a trio of gormless sparrows on a conservatory, and then sliding again - very slowly - down the glass.

Not a great end to a graceful beginning.  And yet the assembled Beaker Folk assumed it was Pantomime Service time again, cheering the three of them to the rafters and yelling "She's Behind You!"  So all in all, I guess you'd call it a qualified success.  But nonetheless - no more Heelies, and we're sending all future potential Thurifers for a month's crash course at St Dunstan's.  That's not crash as in... well, you know what I mean.  Basically, it was all very silly.  Stop it.

Incense - Further Advice

Thanks to Hnaef for his advice on incense burning.
However some minor further technical advice.   It may be either through an inadvertent typographical error, a Freudian slip or a lack of awareness of incense-burning terminology.  But when Hnaef refers to burning only one "thurifer" I'm fairly sure he means "thurible".  I hope.