Beaker Petting Farm - Health and Safety

I've always wanted a petting farm. It's that perfect combination of cheap entertainment, children's activities and a source of lamb stew that's always appealed to me.

So I'm glad we've got it open. Petting animals is always so relaxing. You feel more human - more one with the world. It's a real spiritual thing. And, of course, even goat curry is delicious if the inmates are heading towards an over-population scenario.

But we have to be constantly on our guard to the issues of health and safety. Animals can bite. They can trample. They can also spread E-coli, and the last thing we want is to be involved in anything involving that scandalous bacterium. I mean, look at Spain. And it wasn't even their cucumbers.

So please be aware of the following rules for the Petting Farm:

1. All visitors are to wear latex gloves at all times during their visit. And face masks and plastic overalls, for which a reasonable hire charge will be made.
2. A distance of four feet between any visitor and all animals must be maintained at all times.
3. Do not feed the animals. They get all the food they need already. However for a £3 contribution at the Beaker Bazaar you can get a token. It doesn't get you any animal feed - they get all they need already - but you can carry it around with you.
4. Do not, under any circumstances, wander in front of our "Dairy Stampede Show". Daisy gets very nervous in the presence of small children and my go right off her feed. And then the milk dries up.
5. The "Fantastic Mr Hamster Show" very definitely contains a hamster. And so, whatever the legal action may say, it is not 100 per cent misleading. 66 per cent at the most (she's really "Mrs" Hamster, but we didn't think that sounded so good)
6. The Chapel of Chickens contains 45 live chickens, pecking at each other and scratching up dust, wandering around looking for something to eat and generally being a bit disorganised. We based it on our Cafe Church services. Please don't give the chickens coffee as they get all they need already.
7. After visiting the Petting Farm, we will spray you with detergent. Don't worry yourself about whether that the yellow colour will ever wash out of your clothes. It won't.

We hope you have a great time at the Beaker Petting Farm, and look forward to welcoming you back. Probably after you've totally forgotten your last visit.

Lunar eclipse

Yet another Lunar Eclipse is lining itself up for Wednesday. As usual, the Moon Gibbon Folk are in a state of near-hysteria. Their constant expectation of apocalyptic disaster has already been stoked by the lightning over the Chilean volcano. And to combine this with a lunar eclipse - to be sure, they claim, there will be slaughtered Clangers heading earthwards come Wednesday night.  The Moon Gibbon folk claim that Lunar Eclipses are caused, not by an astronomical alignment, but by the blood of Clangers that have been massacred by the Moon Gibbon.

It's an odd thing, this constant expectation of theirs that the world is going to end abruptly - against all evidence and against all their previous failed predictions. At least if their eschatologicals belief led them to some sensible amendment of life - the practice of new virtues or rejection of old vices - I could rejoice in it. But instead, all it ever leads them to do is stand around sadly, playing Swanee Whistles.

Rodent congratulations

Some see mice as a nuisance. Not the Beaker Folk (except when they get into the Doily Mines) , and I'd like to be the first from within the Community to congratulate @thechurchmouse on being named The Top Christian blog ( http://churchmousepublishing.blogspot.com/2011/06/best-christian-blog-in-world.html) by the New Statesman. I had a look to see if the New Crawleyian had a related piece, but it seems to be offline at the moment.

Well done, mouse!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.1

Monday Morning Programme

8am. Wandering around, mumbling.

9am. Asking how the weekend went.

9.03. Liturgy of the coffee run.

9.30. Cry of 'How long, O Lord?'

10.00. Planning of holidays

10.30. Opening up of the hole-punch.

10.31. Picking-up of Chads.

11.00. Liturgy of the coffee run.

12.00. Going to buy lunch.

12.30. Eating lunch at desk.

13.00. Checking sky to see whether it's worth going out.

13.30. Lunch.

14.30. Liturgy of the coffee run.

15.00. Afternoon tea.

16.00. Catching up on some paperwork.

16.30. Fiddling with a stapler.

17.00. All right, just one last cup.

17.30. Waiting for boss to leave.

17.32. Boss leaves.

17.33. Recessional - Everbody else leaves.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.0

Revenge of the Moon Gibbon

The Moon Gibbon Folk are excited over this picture from the Guardian of the lightning caused by the eruption of the volcano in Chile. They say, if you look bottom left of the lightning cloud, the Moon Gibbon can clearly be seen frowning.

I say that if you measure the magnetic bubbles at the edge of the Solar System, you will find they're less bubbly than the bubble-heads of the Moon Gibbon Folk. As humans we are programmed to spot human faces in anything - hedges, beer mats, toast, just about anything. And if they're bearded, they look a bit like Jesus. Mind you, in this case it does look a bit  like an angry gibbon... maybe they've a point?

Singing the Gospel

A strange kind of morning I had. The Beaker People had decided it was time for a rain dance, as a kind of Pentecostal celebration. I pointed out that the rain was already happening, and they said that was the point.

So, for once, I left them to it and went off in search of somewhere that would be burning incense. But remembered that where incense is burned, often the Gospel is sung.

So what's that all about? I mean, I can see that the Gospels are kind of special, in that they tell of the earthly life of our Lord, but then the rest of the New Testament tells of the Church's working out of that life into its own life. You could be converted by a passage from Romans as easily as from the Gospel of St Mark, and the Book of Nahum is as much a part of God's message to his earth as the Gospel of Luke.

And there are bits of the Bible I could understand singing - the Psalms, or the psalm-like parts of the Prophets, or the Magnificat or Nunc or the Benedictus. But the Gospels? We don't have any evidence that Jesus, whenever anyone approached him, burst into song - nor that it was a mono-tonal song where he went up a bit or down a bit at the end of each line. And since the Gospel shows Jesus having everyday conversations with people - and even arguments - it just seems a bit kind of odd.

So I don't get it. I reckon if you're going to read the Gospel, read the Gospel. And put some expression into it. And don't sound all posh. Make it sound like it's really happening, now, to real people. But if you want to sing it - then feel free. I respect your right to. Even when I can't understand it. But you seem to me to be distancing people from it. Although a wise woman (not a wise-woman, which is something else) has pointed out to me that in a big cathedral, before they invented amplifiers, singing would make sense. But then it would make sense with the New and Old Testament readings, and the notices as well.

I see it's still raining. So the dance must have worked. Shame the rest of the Folk aren't able to enjoy it. They've all mysteriously gone down with colds.

As the Spirit Moved Them

I have been out of communication for a while. And I realise that the godly nature of my output will have been drowned, in these latter days, by the stream of neo-paganism from my neighbour, the so-called "Archdruid" Eileen. But I have been busy at the Lord's work. And now I am finished.

I have issued a booklet to the members of the Bogwulf Funambulist Baptists. It is - as you would expect, and should desire - extremely prescriptive.

Among its instructions, are contained the following:

• Make-up for women. I have no desire to be draconian. So I would certainly encourage women to have combed their hair and possibly put on some  lipstick. Although the lipstick should not be a lurid colour. I suggest lip colour, so nobody can see you are wearing it, lest they be unduly excited.
• Length of skirts for young women. At least 4 inches below the knee. The middle of the knee. Not the top, or bottom of the knee. Not that I have any interest in knees.
• Trousers - certainly not. That might be construed as an attempt to wear male clothing. And we know what the Lord thinks of the wearing of male clothing. At least, by women. Men doing it is perfectly acceptable. Indeed, that is what they should be doing.
• And as for wearing an extremely short scrap of skirt-like material, with merely some thick tights underneath - as some young ladies are in the habit  of doing - that is definitely out. Only this morning in Milton Keynes shopping centre, I saw two women wearing this kind of clothing. I was so surprised that I followed them for several minutes to assure myself that my eyes were not deceiving me. Eventually I was assisted by two security guards, who told me that the young women were indeed wearing such outfits, and it would be better for me if I stopped following them. They were indeed right. Such sights could have been dangerous to my soul.
• Bodily action during worshipful acts of music (or musical acts of worship): a small amount of bodily movement is inevitable when singing. However swinging of the hips is wrong and tends towards febrile over-excitement of the hormones. While one should avoid raising the hands above shoulder height. We are not charismatic. I mean Charismatics.
• Televisual programming: only from the BBC, and only from 6am until 9pm. And only for factual programmes, and certainly not for Coronation Street, which I am told (because I do not watch - see above) is encouraging a gay agenda. Certain approved religious satellite channels, from my "approved list", which I am currently updating in the light of Love Wins and the most recent failed apocalypses.
• Dancing: You asking? Then no.
• Approved working environments: anywhere godly. In the retail industry that means places that do not sell alcohol, material that my wife Marjory would deem offensive (which would include the Guardian) or prophylactics, unless the purchasers can prove they are in a long-term married relationship.
• Decisions in the home - marriage is a partnership. Women are to be trusted to make important decisions in their own sphere - such as which vegetables to serve with the daily meat that the husband has selected, or which day of the week on which to change the sheets, and the correct order to hoover the house.
• People of other faiths (I include Catholics, Anglicans and Methodists here, and members of other, less enlightened, Baptist churches). These people must be shown the error of their ways by gentle persuasion. Generally this gentle persuasion should be carried out by shouting at them through megaphones in Dunstable shopping centre. Do not discuss lighter matters with them - if you must work with these fiends, then keep the conversation strictly to the matters at hand and then continue in your working role.

Ah, brothers and sisters, it is wonderful, is it not, to live in the Freedom of the Spirit?

A Night of a Thousand Knights

If anyone would like to complain about Sir Bruce, let us just consider...

Bruce is 83. He has been a household name and much-loved by many for six decades.

Jeffrey Archer was 52 when he was made a Lord. Although he may have made this up.

Sir Fred "the Shred" Goodwin was 46 when he was knighted. Although that fact is probably covered by a super-injunction.

Lord Taylor of Warwick was 42 when he was ennobled. He claimed for a first class ticket to the Lords' that day.

Baroness Taylor was also 42 when  she was made a Lady. Or so her cleaner told me.

Lord Lucan was born noble.Last time I saw "Lucky" was in 1983, riding Shergar across the North Downs between Dorking and Great Bookham.

Paul Collingwood scored 17 runs in two innings in one test match, and it earned him an MBE.  To be fair, he's done a bit since.

So God bless ya, Brucey. In my humble opinion, you deserve it more than many.

Liturgy for the Knighthood of Bruce Forsyth CBE

Silly music ("New Life is the name of the Game")

Archdruid: Good morning, and welcome to the Regeneration Game! Nice to see you, to see you...


All: ...nice


Archdruid: What a nice congregation you are. So much better than last week's. And now let's meet the lovely Burton Dasset.


Silly music. Burton walks on.


Archdruid: And what are you wearing this week, Burton?


Burton: Old beer festival T-shirt and an anorak, same as every Saturday.

Archdruid: Well, give us a twirl.

Burton does a twirl, falls off the stage..

Archdruid: And now let's meet our contestants. In a tribute to the New Frontiers "300" conference, both teams are fathers and daughters. So we'll have no doubts who's in charge. It also has the advantage that I can flirt with the fathers, while Burton leches after the daughters.

Burton: So we have John and Suzy Zimmerman, from Chorleywood in Buckinghamshire. John is a quantity surveyor, and Suzy likes pressing flowers and not worrying her pretty head about things.

Archdruid: John, it says here that you once over-ordered three pallets of Ibstock Red bricks when it should have been two. Is that really the most exciting and amusing thing that ever happened to you?

John: Yes.

Archdruid: I'll make a note of that... typical... quantity... surveyor.

Burton: And our second team is Rodney and Ellie Ellison from Newcastle.

Archdruid: Way-ey, Rodnee - hoor's laif in the Nurth-East, hawey bonnie lad?

Rodney: We've only lived there for six weeks. I'm actually from Carshalton.

Archdruid: I'm in charge.

Burton: And something amusing once happened to Rodney, but he can't remember what it was.

Archdruid: Well, on with our first game, which is called "Incense the Moot House". And your job is to process correctly to the Worship Focus, Incense the Table of Meeting, and then hang the thurible up on its stand. Hopefully with amusing consquences.

[Solemn music plays, as mayhem reigns for three minutes followed by the beeps]

Incense expert we've never heard of: Well, Rodney and Ellie, you did quite well. You went the right way round the Worship Table, although there was that awkward moment when you toppled over while genuflecting. And it was a bit of a basic error, forgetting to light the incense. I'm giving you three out of five.

[Patronising applause]


Incense expert we've never heard of: John and Suzie did quite well, right up to the point where they accidentally burned down the Doily Shed. I'm going to give them four.

Archdruid: Didn't they do well?

[Patronising applause]

The peace: 

Archdruid: You're my favourites!

[All may share the sign of "Alright my love".]

Burton: And our next game is "play your Canons right". We're going to show you a series of canons, and you've got to guess whether the next one will be higher, or lower.

Archdruid: And the first one is a former curate at All Soul's, Langham Place. What do you reckon, Suzy - higher or lower?

Suzy: Higher

Archdruid: Higher than All Souls.... Yes! It's a vicar in an inner-city liberal Catholic parish. Ellie - higher or lower?


Ellie: Higher?

Archdruid: Well done! It's a member of the SSC! Higher or lower, John?

All: Lower! Lower!


John: Lower.


Archdruid: And it's.... a member of the Order of St Wilfrid and St Hilda. Oh dear. Afraid you don't get anything for a pair...


All: Not in this game. 


Archdruid: So let's take a look at the old hymnboards....

Burton: John and Suzy have 6, and Rodney and Ellie have 5.

Archdruid: So, John's  going to have a go for the big prize, on the conveyor belt tonight.

Burton: And on the conveyor-belt tonight - The ten commandments.

Archdruid: So, John - how many of the ten commandments can you remember in 2 minutes?

John: Remember your father and mother... Don't be idle.... Do as you would be done by.... Cuddly toy.... was it something about don't covet your neighbour's cuddly ass?  


[Beeping noise]


Archdruid: What a lot he's got!


All: Hasn't he got a lot?


Dismissal


Archdruid: And from everyone here... and I do mean everyone.... Keeep Dancing!


All: And also with you.

---

Additional material with thanks to Phil Ritchie

"Bruce" from Wikipedia commons, Squeakbox.

Ten Recommended Spiritual Exercises

Talking about the use of the server-splitting maul earlier reminded me that I had been planning to publish my list of ten spiritual exercises. I don't promise they will bring you closer to God (or whichever entity or entities, Being or beings you choose to follow) - but they will help you in your pursuit of something like a spiritual experience.

1. Chopping wood - the reason why I remembered this. The rhythmic chopping of wood with a nice well-balanced maul can separate you from the world around you and set you free from your troubled mind. The regular action of the maul, and of your arms and back as you swing it, are a kind of meditation. At least up to the point where the bloke putting the logs on the chopping block takes his hands away slightly too slowly, and his screaming as he looks at his crushed fingers shakes you out of your blissful state. The managed use of firewood - merely returning to the atmosphere the carbon that the tree took from it, and then planting another tree in its place - is a spiritual matter in its own right, placating Mother Gaia and enabling us to hope she won't notice the 4x4 in the drive.

2. Eating peri-peri sauce. Somehow the combination of lemon and chilli hits a centre in your brain that releases more endorphins than chilli alone. A nice peri-peri chicken and you're at one with the universe. If not necessarily with the chicken. Some of the male Beaker Folk, in their dunder-headed way of trying to prove who's the most spiritual, like to eat the sauce as hot as they can - I remember the pot of Naga Naga Chicken that Grulsch cooked up last year. And I like to encourage them. Partly for their spiritual fulfilment, and partly because the pain the next morning reminds them that we are not on this planet for pleasure alone.

3. Watching trees blow in the wind. There's something of the "as the spirit moved them" about a tree blowing in the wind. It's a real spiritual contact point. Ideally I like to recommend that Beaker people do an equally spiritual activity at the same time - something like digging a field, or weeding.

4. Lighting a tea light. Simple, inexpensive, traditional and reliable. And if you want that extra mood-enhancement, you can choose lavender-scented for relaxing, or vanilla for stimulus.

5. Going downhill in a bath-tub. There is nothing like going downhill in a bath-tub to give you a spiritual experience. Or, at least, to make you feel closer to your maker.

6. Watching water run through your hands. I like to encourage the Beaker People to watch water (or, if they prefer, sand - I'm no spiritual dictator) flowing through their hands. It reminds us that time runs away every day - that we must redeem every moment. It's also quite a nice analogy for the way that we can allow money to run through our hands and down into those religious institutions that really need it.

7. Yo-yos.   That's a word I often use to describe many of the Beaker People. It doesn't help their spiritual growth, but makes me pity them. So that must be good for me in the long run?

8. Laying down and facing up into the sky on a bright summer's day. It's a true spiritual experience, as attested by Hardy's Tess of the D'Urbervilles. You can feel quite liberated. Sometimes we have to go round checking the Beaker People that do this for actual (as opposed to spiritual) blindness, as they have a habit of looking straight at the sun. Devout, but necessarily over-bright. Not really an insult, more the way I prefer our Folk.

9. Meditating on a hazelnut. It worked for Mother Julian, so why not for us? Out of season, try meditating on a pack of shelled hazelnuts.  If you suffer from a nut allergy, try meditating on a golf ball. If you suffer from a meditation allergy, try eating the hazelnut. Unless if you have a nut allergy as well, in which case why not have a nice game of golf? That's the kind of tedium that can really help you break through spiritually.

10 As a last resort, you could try prayer. But be careful. It could change your way of life. You might discover you'd be safer with the peri chicken.

Re-configuring a Lamp Stack

Oddest thing. We were tracking down the source of the unexpected bandwidth that was going out from the Community's network (I say "we" - this was very definitely the domain of Young Keith and Burton Dasset. And we noticed it because the incoming stream of Rowan Williams-related information (I say information) abruptly throttled back, even though we hadn't engaged the "Internet-related drivel filter".) And we found what appeared to be a small server running in one of the disused servants' quarters. It was identifiable only by a Post-it note, on which someone had written the words "New Crawleyan".

I figured we had better do something about it. But at this point I was glad to be able to show my own technical prowess. I know how to disable a server running a Lamp stack in no time. Hit it with a wood-splitting maul.