Nativity of Severus Snape / Full Moon

Sometimes there's a problem with a religion where you make it up as you go along, feelings are treated with respect, wishful thinking counts as much as dogma or logic and you daren't give offence.

And that is that, no matter what someone comes up with, you can't come up with a knock-down reason why what they're saying is tripe.

Take this evening. One of the more bookish of the Moon Gibbon folk noticed that today is Severus Snape's birthday. For those of my gentle readers, whose evangelical sympathy would mean they have never opened the deeply-suspect covers of the Harry Potter series, I should explain that Snape is a deep and complex character, a man of many sides and - at the last - a great hero. But he has a sinister and austere side to him, as befits a member of Slytherin. Combining this with the evident fact that it's full moon, a whole new and scary mythological conjunction has arisen.

The Moon Gibbon people have decided that, when it's Severus Snape's birthday of a full moon, Snape redivius haunts the land, savaging those muggles that have not held fast to the old true Gibbon Moon faith. But the Moon Gibbon people are a fundamentalist and basically pessimistic people, constantly convinced that they have failed the Gibbon himself - not least because they have no idea what his requirements actually are. They should be out joining with us howling at the moon - instead they've broken for cover early this evening and are lurking in the spinney calling for the mountains to fall on them before they receive the lash of Snape's satirical tongue. It's gonna be a long night.

(For the calendrical liturgists among you, I'm sure you'll be interested to know that, given Snape's birthday only rarely coincides with the full moon, on other years the Gibbon Folk plan to move it to the first Saturday between Snape's Day and the nearest Full Moon. That means they can have the whole of Sunday to get over being terrified to death by an angry wizard in league with a giant lunar primate. If any of this makes any sense, you may like to consider starting your own religion).

Lunar eclipse

Yet another Lunar Eclipse is lining itself up for Wednesday. As usual, the Moon Gibbon Folk are in a state of near-hysteria. Their constant expectation of apocalyptic disaster has already been stoked by the lightning over the Chilean volcano. And to combine this with a lunar eclipse - to be sure, they claim, there will be slaughtered Clangers heading earthwards come Wednesday night.  The Moon Gibbon folk claim that Lunar Eclipses are caused, not by an astronomical alignment, but by the blood of Clangers that have been massacred by the Moon Gibbon.

It's an odd thing, this constant expectation of theirs that the world is going to end abruptly - against all evidence and against all their previous failed predictions. At least if their eschatologicals belief led them to some sensible amendment of life - the practice of new virtues or rejection of old vices - I could rejoice in it. But instead, all it ever leads them to do is stand around sadly, playing Swanee Whistles.

Revenge of the Moon Gibbon

The Moon Gibbon Folk are excited over this picture from the Guardian of the lightning caused by the eruption of the volcano in Chile. They say, if you look bottom left of the lightning cloud, the Moon Gibbon can clearly be seen frowning.

I say that if you measure the magnetic bubbles at the edge of the Solar System, you will find they're less bubbly than the bubble-heads of the Moon Gibbon Folk. As humans we are programmed to spot human faces in anything - hedges, beer mats, toast, just about anything. And if they're bearded, they look a bit like Jesus. Mind you, in this case it does look a bit  like an angry gibbon... maybe they've a point?

Gibbons Decline and Fall

The moon being one day off full, it can't really get much more gibbous. And I was just musing to myself about the old days of the Moon Gibbon Folk, who mis-heard gibbous as gibbon, and decided to worship the moon gibbon as a god. I can't say I really missed them. It's a lot easier when they're not around. But back last winter they renamed themselves "Forward in Ferns", announced they were off for a better life, and headed off into the cold on their own.

But as Roxy Music once said, nothing lasts forever. I was wondering why the same old faces appeared out on the gravel earlier, and now they have some new friends. These call themselves the "Marsh Gibbon people", due to a mis-reading of the Ordnance Survey map for North Oxfordshire (being near the Rollright Stones, they assumed that "Marsh Gibbon" was marking a shrine). I say "friends". Actually it's quite clear they don't really get on at all. After all, one group believes that the Great Gibbon lives on the moon, while the other group believes he lives in a pond near Banbury,. But they have worked out that, if they work together, they have sufficient numbers to sway Community policy.

Well, so they think, at least. They've forgotten that fundamental tenet of Beaker belief - "my gaff, my rules". I've heard of democracy, but I'm much happier when it's being inflicted on other people.

The Demise of the Moon Gibbon

I'm afraid there's no doubt about it.  The votes for NASA having killed the Moon Gibbon have now exceeded the votes for him existing.
Under the Sherine Principle, NASA killing the Moon Gibbon is now true.
The Gibbon Folk have taken it badly.  They were looking forward to the full moon as a sign that the Gibbon had given up the battle for this month - prior to starting again the moment it started waning.
You would have thought - remembering that the Moon Gibbon was in many ways a scary kind of god to have, eating the moon every month and colouring it red with the blood of clangers at ever lunar eclipse - that the Moon Gibbon People would be happy and relieved.  They should be free of fear, autonymous and happy - free to dance in the woods (not today, obviously - that would be asking for trouble in this weather), or at the least come inside and light some tea lights or meditate on pebbles.  They can do good, or evil, according to their own choice - without looking at the moon over their shoulder the whole time to see if the Gibbon is happy or angry.
But instead, they're just sitting around the pond throwing bits of stick in the water, wondering what to do with their time.  A few of them started a bit of a fight with a couple of Extreeme Primitive Beaker People, who were wanting them to hold an act of worship actually in the pond, but other than that they're just desolate.
Still, full moon tomorrow.  And it's St Andrew's Day today.  The sight of Hnaef wearing a kilt, and a good dinner of haggis on tonight's menu, may yet cheer them up.

The great Guinea Pig Offer - continued

More clarity is appearing on the offer from the Guinea Pig folk to the Moon Gibbon Folk.  Apparently the Moon Gibbon Folk, if they move to Stewartby, will be entitled to continue to use the Beaker Common Prayer.  Ironic, because none of them were using it anyway.  They were using their own prayer book, the Wee Gibbon Worship Book.  That's when they weren't already using the Guinea Pig People's own prayer book.  Some of the more exteme Moon Gibbon folk were actually using the Guinea Pig service book in the original Guinea Pig, although to be honest even many of the real Guinea Pig folk don't really understand what all those grunts and whistles mean.
Apparently the Moon Gibbon folk's druids will continue to be "druids in all but name", albeit that apparently it's the "name" that means they can do all their druidic responsibilities since they will no longer be allowed to read entrails, cut mistletoe or light wicker men people.  Apart from that, they'll just retain the ability to go around telling other people what to do.  And let's face it, anyone can do that already round here, as long as they've got a cricket bat to hand.
So we wait and see.  I've told Burton not to build any reductions in druidic fees into the budget for next year just yet.  I get the feeling it's the "doing what you're told" clause they may suffer from.

The Moon Gibbon Conspiracy

Dear Reader, I have taken the opportunity of the Archdruid's temporary absence to get hold of this wondrous connection to the outside world to share my deep concern. As an accountant I have always been more familiar with the detailed and reliable workings of the Adding Machine - you can count on an Adding Machine. And Eileen likes to keep me away from the Internetory Technology as much as possible, trying to keep me from over-excitement. She doesn't think that accountants should have too much excitement, and do you know, I think she's probably right.

I am keen to share my concerns regarding the Moon Gibbon. The poll we have been running has shown that a sizeable minority of Beaker Folk visitors believe that the Great Gibbon was in fact killed by NASA. I can now confirm that this is indeed true. Consider:

• Nobody has seen the Moon Gibbon since last month's moonshot.
  
• The moonshot totally failed to kick up any dust. Evidence that it hit something big and soft.
  
• NASA have published no results since the moonshot. Can we not conclude that this was because the substances they found should not have been there? For example - simian hair and hide? Are the NASA-paid scientists not, as we speak, trying to come up with some rationale - for example that the moonshot accidentally "winged" an earthly gibbon on the way up, due to an unfortunate gibbon climbing across the rocket just before take-off? Or indeed - are they simply falsifying the evidence?
  
• I have written to NASA six times to ask for information. They have repeatedly refused to address my concerns.
  
• My petition on the No 10 website - "That the Prime Minister should explain what has happened to the Moon Gibbon" was repeatedly taken down on the grounds that it was "frivolous".
• Young Keith's friend Briony reckons it was NASA and she's got a science A-level.

I think no further evidence is needed. I have a telescope trained on the moon constantly now, in order to see the inevitable rocket that will be sent up so the Moon Gibbon can be buried. However I am concerned. I have a sneaking suspicion that NASA will send it up in the daytime, so I can't see it.

I must away now. We will howl at the moon, knowing that it is now empty. Empty. Empty. And NASA are responsible. Who can bring these hylobatidaecides to justice? I will write to President Obama. He seems a pleasant enough young man, and I am sure he will help. But despite this hope, I am still concerned.

Who shot the Moon Gibbon?

The news that the space shot threw up no moon dust comes as no surprise to some of our more extreme Beaker People.

There is a story going around the Moon Gibbon Folk that the first space shot, intended to smash into the moon's surface, was heading straight for the Soup Dragon's cave.  But the Moon Gibbon bravely "took a bullet" for his soupy pal.  

The Moon Gibbon folk are now really worried that the Moon Gibbon may have died intercepting the probe.  They're desperate to see if the moon's any smaller tonight, but sadly the cloud prevents them making the necessary observations. 

The rumour going around the Community that small, pig-like creatures have been observed by the Hubble Telescope, picking up two new lumps of space debris, is just that.  A rumour.

The Beaker Course

We're putting out a poster campaign to advertise the new "Beaker Course".  This is an exciting new development in Beaker mission.  We get nice, middle class people together, give them a good lunch, and then it's up to them what they believe - we won't judge.  We just like people to feel good, and ideally make a donation.

Burton loses it again

Please can all Beaker Folk try to avoid Burton Dasset. His time in the woods has had quite a bad effect on him, and I blame it on the rather suspect looking fungi he has been eating.

Burton has now declared that he is channeling the spirit of the Moon Gibbon. He has recently taken to hiding in the trees, and then chasing after dog-walkers and courting couples on the assumption they are egg-stealing. When challenged as to what he is up to, he says that he is merely the one who is making a path in the forest, declaring the way for the True Gibbon, whose fur he is not worthy to groom.

If Burton tries to explain any of this gibberish to you, please can you ignore him.

He's not the Moon Gibbon, he's just a very spaced-out accountant.

Good news about Burton

We're pleased to announce that Burton Dasset is feeling much better. He's still jumping at sudden noises, and expressed a fear that the Moon Gibbon would get him if he joined in the New Moon Moonwatch. So we've put him back to work in the Doily Shed while he recuperates.

The Return of the Moon Gibbon

Every new moon and every lunar eclipse we have to scotch this ridiculous superstition about the Moon Gibbon. As some Beaker Folk may remember, this all started when a reference to the "Gibbous Moon" was mis-heard, and within a few hours a new religion had started.

The moon is not being eaten by a giant gibbon. It waxes and and wanes in a perfectly scientifically-explicable way every month. That doesn't make it any less wonderful, or any less of a spiritual experience when we commence tomorrow's Watching for the Moon service, but it does mean that the maniacs down the far end of Husborne Crawley, living in a tree as homage to the Moon Gibbon are not to be encouraged. However, out of our Beaker sense of respect for other faiths, neither should we pelt them with apples . (Hnaef, please take note - this is even if they persist in the view that the Gibbon commands a patriarchal society where the leader is always referred to as "the Old Man of the Woods").