Trinitarian Just a Minute

Just been enjoying our latest parlour game, "Just a Trinitarian Minute".

Each member of the panel takes it in turns to attempt to explain the doctrine of the Trinity for a minute without Modalism, Arianism or Tritheism. If they lapse into heresy, another member of the panel can challenge with the special Schism Buzzer, and they then take over. At the end of a minute we all agree how hard it is.

It was quite a surprise when Paul Merton won with Graham Norton second - although obviously Graham had some practice as Fr Noel Furlong. But I still think the proposed forfeit was a bit harsh - burning at the stake? What sort of  fools would burn people at the stake for a defective doctrine of the Trinity? In the circumstances, and given the law of the land, we commuted the forfeit to Marston (for it was he) having to be referred to as "Idiot boy" for the rest of the evening. So no change there.

Feast of Athanasius

(Some Beaker Folk maintain that Athanasius deliberately died at this time of year so that Beltanetide could be appropriated for a Christian festival. I'd normallly maintain this kind of thing is tosh, but given it's Athanasius.... I wouldn't put anything beyond his zeal for truth).

Archdruid: A top o' the mornin' to yer.


All: We're ready to shine.

HYMN: Holy, Holy, Holy

All: Well, that was a bit of farce.

Archdruid: Yes. Next year we'll work out which "Holy Holy Holy" we're singing in advance, and make it quite clear to the individual members of the Music Group and the one with the Gift of Overhead Projection.


ANNUAL QUICK LOOK AT THE ATHANASIAN CREED

Mrs Hnaef: It's a bit long, isn't it?

Eileen: Well, there was a lot of heresy about.

Charlii: Do we have to believe that bit?

Eileen: That bit about "coeternal"? I suppose so. I'm just trying to work out what it means.

Charlii: No, the bit about eternal fire.

Hnaef: We don't believe that bit anymore. Just the rest. I always say "in a very real sense" at the end. It's the
ecclesiastical equivalent of ironic "quote" marks in the air.


All: Will you stop doing the ironic "quote" marks in the air???

Hnaef: "Whatever".


All: He did it again!

High-pitched voice from the back: "Stone him! Stone him!" [Suddenly lower voice] "Stone him!"

A South African (or, as it may be, German) voice from the back: Are we still barbarians? We don't stone people for heresy these days. We just let them form their own pressure groups.

High-pitched voice from the back: Or burn them, with everlasting fire!

Eileen: Have you seen the price at the pumps? and besides, Doreen, isn't it time for your Anglican Mainstream meeting?

Doreen: No, I'm going to counselling for that... tendency now. I'm hoping to be ex-attention seeker.

Eileen: OK. Seems to me the best thing we can do, to avoid offence to non-Trinitarians, and people that don't like long liturgy, is just to read a couple of lines in Latin. That way it sounds lovely and we don't have to agree with it.


All: Quicumque vult salvus esse, ante omnia opus est, ut teneat catholicam fidem: Quam nisi quisque integram inviolatamque servaverit, absque dubio in aeternam peribit. Fides autem catholica haec est.

Archdruid: Lovely.

Doreen: Can we burn them now then?

Puritan Worship

As you will all know, the Beaker People are a group unafraid to celebrate the breadth of our religious heritage. Oh yes. Although we mostly settle for stones and tea lights.

But this morning's Puritan Worship was a challenge for many of us. We eschewed the colour, vibrancy and - let's be frank - lack of spiritual discipline that we're familar with. And instead we embraced the simplicity and austerity that is Puritan worship.

I'll be honest. We didn't really enjoy it. And it made the Puritan pretty anxious as well. Which is a shame. After all, it took us weeks to find a proper Puritan - and to have him disappear screaming into the woods like that and screaming that we all idolaters when we started worshipping him was quite alarming. Perhaps we hadn't explained the distinction between dulia and latria to him properly?

Quick Scandinavian Heretic Joke

Very odd evening after the apple business, as well. Fancy this evening's Filling up of Beakers being invaded by a bunch of Scandinavian cybernetic modalists.

I never could understand Swedenborgians.

Solstice roundup

As is traditional every now and then, I look at the wikio rankings and realise we've not linked to anyone lately. It's the middle of the month, and at this rate I'm going to be ranking below the Dullest Blog (see below). And so, here's a few links we think wikio might like us to be linking to.

The Dullest Blog has something happen. It's not very exciting. But you knew that.
Philip Ritchie regrets the passing of Clarence Clemons. He's quite right. A great loss.
Clayboy has a Trinitarian thought.
Catriona is excited about her holiday. If you've been following her blog, as you should have been, you'd know why.
Yewtree is poetic. In a different reality, she's also tolerant. Or possibly intolerant.
Church Mouse confirms that the "new" legal advice on bishops is really old advice. Had it been acted on a few years ago, Jeffrey John would be a bishop now, like he ought to be.
The Science Blog has some advice on an appropriate level of... ...erm... well... something.. let's just say it turns out it's not blindness you need to worry about. Warning - contains frank discussion of... well, you know...

And finally, EasyRew.com is a new one on me. But since the discussion there was on bad Trinity analogies, well - how could you go wrong here?

A sense of inevitable heresy

I'm afraid this morning's "Give an analogy of the Trinity without falling into demonstrable heresy" competition was a bit of a washout. All entrants were disqualified for heresy. Including Morgwyn who somehow managed to invent the heresy of thrithelitism without even trying.

Now can everyone please have another bash, and try to at least aim for Nicene compliance this time. I know this theology business seems hard, and some Beaker Folk wonder why we bother. But people died for this stuff because it's so important. And it's only this one day of the year.

The Nails That Crucified Jesus

Will Cookson gives the answer to the question "Are these the nails that crucified Jesus?" And it's a "No". Shame, really. But if Simcha Jacobovici wants to post them down to Husborne Crawley, I'll stick them in a drawer with all the others. That's the drawer above the one that contains the teeth of St Apollonia. Or, at least, ninety-three of them. And below the big cupboard with all the heads of St John the Baptist. The one we made out of fragments of the True Cross.

I think I'll hang my nice photo of Jesus's tomb on the wall as well. Or maybe this tomb. Or better still, both. They'd make a nice collection, wouldn't they?

Wikipedia notes that the belief that 3 nails were used in the Crucifixion is called "Triclavianism", and was condemned as a heresy. Which makes one wonder how slim a hair can be split, and just how big a pin you need to get angels to dance.

The heresy of Acerism

I found my computer today. Somehow, it had got lodged behind a disused radiator. In the cupboard under the stairs. Under some old carpet. But it's working, now that I've put a fuse in the plug. Anyway, today is one of my favourite days of the year, because it is a day to Get Things Right[tm]. Let me explain.

Pancakes are a sacred thing, and have to be done right. I will not tell you exactly what the correct recipe is: I know some who prefer Delia, though I am a Good Housekeeping man. There are traditional recipes that have been handed down through the generations, and these may also be fine.

But there are some things that you must Get Right[tm]. Let me list them for you:

• pancakes should be flat. As in the phrase "flat as a pancake". It's a give-away. Pannekoeken are tasty treats, and they have their place. Which is in Holland. Over here, we have flat, thin pancakes.
  
• pancakes should not have buttermilk in them. What Americans make are not pancakes. The Americans get many things very confused, as I discovered when I visited a few years ago and spent some few hours in a police cell over an understanding over the phrases "No soliciting" and "That's a nice set of jugs you've got there, miss". I met a very nice young man in the cells, however, who asked me if I was interested in cigarettes. Or was it meatballs? I forget.
• pancakes should not have fruit in them.
  
• pancakes should not have chocolate on them.
• pancakes should not have fruit on them.

In fact, it's easy, as there is only one orthodox accompaniment for pancakes: lemon and sugar.

And that brings me to the worst heresy of all on this last day before Lent: Acerism. The sap of the tree Acer Saccharum (the "Sugar Maple") was not available to the historic Beaker Folk (unless the Vikings had brought some back, but I've lost track of when they were, and when they discovered America and why they weren't called Columbus, so I think we can ignore that possibility). And if it had been, they would have eschewed it.

Make a stand for Orthodoxy. Crack down on Acerism. Next time you're in a shop (and it'll be a shop, not a "store"), and you see maple syrup, I urge you to be firm. Get it Right[tm]. I'm talking about serious action.

What you must do is to stand opposite the display, to shake your head, and to tut. Don't hold back. this is worth overcoming your natural reticence. You should tut loudly.

Yes, together, we can wipe it out.

Drayton is at One

I have reached a reconciliation with the Lord.

Oddly enough, it was the so-called Archdruid across the Paddock that brought me to this. Which goes to show that, if God can speak through a donkey, then there is no end to the channels through which He can speak.

Not with regard to Eileen's ludicrous suggestion that half of my congregation are actually de facto Arians. How could anyone go to church regularly for perhaps decades, and still come away without a firm understanding of the two natures of our Lord?  Though, now I come to think about it, she may have a point.

And nor was it when she suggested to me that I worshipped a God of mercy, who would forive me my accidental transgression.  Although when I think about it, she is right. That is the message that I first read in the Gospel, that gave me hope so many years ago, that day when, in a frenzy of guilt and doubt, I laid before the Lord my over-indulgence in Victory V tablets. I realised I had weakly surrendered to Man's easy relef and pleasure when I should have faced that common cold in the power of faith alone.

But what really did it was when Eileen pointed out to me what day it is tomorrow in the so-called "Calendar" that the more idolatrous churches follow. And I realised that, if I continue to pour ashes upon myself, people are likely to confuse me with an Anglo Catholic.

So, my soul washed clean and my conscience clear, I'm off into the Manse now. I have pancakes to cook. Marjorie always insists that only a man can cook pancakes properly.

Repenting in Dust and Ashes

This has got to stop.
Drayton's been out pacing backwards and forwards across the paddock all night, lamenting his fall from grace. I tell you, a girl can barely get any sleep round here with all this heresy. He's out there now, tipping ashes on his Armani and asking who can save him from his inevitable doom?

I've pointed out to him that half his congregation are probably borderline Arian in any case, if he bothered to enquire deeply into it. And said surely it was a mistake, a mere slip from his normal rectitude. And doesn't he believe in justification by grace through faith - not by getting his theological sums right? Doesn't he believe in a merciful God?

But he looked at me in a confused kind of way. Mouthed the word "merciful" like it was some kind of insect. And then wandered off back into the paddock for another lament.

Feast of St Hilarius

We rarely recognize proper saints - let's face it, most of them are dead so we don't meet them that often. But we feel that we should set aside a moment for this short liturgy dedicated to the patron saint of things that aren't quite as funny as you feel they should be.

Archdruid:	Who's that pope who fought against the Emperor Anthemius's proposed toleration of schismatics?
All	Fought against the Emperor Anthemius's proposed toleration of schismatics? That's Hilarius.
Archdruid:	No, it's not funny at all. It's an important milestone in the development of the institution of the Papacy.
All	We'll get your coat.

Sydney Carter - an update

I hear of a Baptist minister in the east of England who not only chooses "One more step along the world I go", he revels in it!

This is the sort of thing that caused the Reformation. If we let down our guard, surely the barbarians will be at the walls. I for one will not rest from mental strife, nor shall my sword rest in my hand, until we have banished "Lord of the Dance" from England's Green and Pleasant Land.

Gnome Day - Order of Service

I'd like to thank Hnaef for his defence of gnomes yesterday. And out of respect to his stout advocacy, today is hereby declared "Gnome Day".

---

Introit: Gnome on the Range

   Confession (There is no elf in us)

   Absolution (Go and sin gnome more)

Gradual: Gnome Woman Gnome Cry 

   Reading from St Morrisey: Heaven, gnomes, I'm miserable now

Offertory: The Laughing Gnome 

   Meditation: Gnome Man is an Island

Recessional: Gnome or Heroes Any more

---

Note that we are electing a new Moot. Please can we have any gnominations by gnometime on Sunday.


With thanks (if that is the right word) for a few of these to Gnome pun intended.

Small garden ornaments

Spurred on by the success of my previous theological reflections on Queues, I feel that I have something to add to the Archdruid's thoughts on heresy.

It has come to my attention that members of our community have been making representations to the Archdruid on the subject of the garden ornaments that I have been placing, over the past several years, around the community buildings. I have the Archdruid's full support on this endeavour to brighten up the local environment (or, at least, she's never complained about it to my face). I believe that these little ornaments, representing small, bearded men (and women, I suppose) involved in everyday, often humourous, pursuits such as fishing, pushing wheelbarrows, or lowering their trousers in an inoffensive manner, provide for a positive atmosphere, and act as excellent talking pieces for these wishing to indulge in light-hearted discussion as they wander around the locality.

I take great umbrage at attempts to have these ornaments removed or declared personae minimae non gratae. This anti-gnomianism must cease now.

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An outbreak of Pelagianism

I'm afraid to report that we have had a few reported cases of the new outbreak of Pelagianism.

Please can Beaker Folk please take the normal precautions:

• The "embarrassing hug of peace" will be suspended until things are back to normal.
• Avoid the sharing of tea lights.
• Pebbles must be soaked in surgical spirit before being re-used. Anyone caught sucking the tea lights before they have dried out will get a week in the doily mines.

A note regarding those members of the community who caught last season's ArM1 outbreak of Arminianism. The good news is that exposure to Arminianism has left this population with a residual immunity. We are not expecting anyone in this cohort to develop fully-blown free-will. Although of course it's up to them whether they do or not.  However they are still liable to develop some of the symptoms, in what is technically known as Semi-Pelagianism. The good news is that you can get a cream for that.

Lord of the Dance? Nein Danke

Sydney Carter - what can I say? The man who had the same effect on the hymnody of the 60s as the architects of that time had on our urban landscape. The man who wrote that hymnodic equivalent of the South Bank complex, "Lord of the Dance". The man whose "Every Star shall sing a Carol" may even have inspired de Burgh's "Spaceman came travelling". The man who did for religious music what Luton Town do for football.  The man who found the perfect synthesis between heretical thought and naff folk tunes. Well, enough is enough.

After widespread consultation and a free vote, I am glad to announce that the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley are henceforth a Sydney Carter Free Zone.

From now on, we will not tolerate the playing of "Lord of the Dance" or "When I needed a neighbour".  "One more step along the world I go" will be regarded as a form of cruelty. Anyone even suggesting "Every Star shall sing a Carol" will be put on trial for heresy. And, to be fair, probably found innocent, as it's not a bad bit of speculative theology in its way despite the kitsch Xmassy tune. But never mind, it's going out  with the rest. In Husborne Crawley, when we throw out the bathwater, the baby goes with it. The SCFZ ban includes the possession, importation or exporting of Sidney Carter-related material. And humming. And Michael Flatley videos, to be on the safe side.

 

The "SCH-free" posters will be put up on all entrances to the Community Grounds, on the doors of the Moot House, and in every bedroom in the Great House. We will enforce this with particular vigour in the Doily Shed where, due to the inflammable nature of the contents, people will be at particular risk should a thunderbolt strike.

Drayton goes ballistic

Drayton's been a little hyperactive today.

As our resident fundamentalist he's always liable to get a bit hysterical. But today he announced that most Christians in England belong to one of two types of heretic. Drayton being Drayton, he therefore decided he was going to do something about it.
He's spent the afternoon going round estates in Milton Keynes, knocking on doors and demanding of the inhabitants to tell them whether they're Arians or Docetists. Most of them told him they were Church of England. so now Drayton's decided that most Christians in England belong to one of three types of heretic.

A reminder of a former life

The soi-disant Archdruid Eileen, former leader of the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley, has spent the last four months claiming to be living in a parallel universe, in the 19th century.

But I have my doubts.

Now, as if by magic from her Hardyan idyll, she has published her latest novella, "Moonrise over Crawley Crossing". Apart from the general immorality of the piece, to make matters worse she's made me look like a cold-blooded, unfeeling, inhuman wally. I shall forgive her, but also keep in mind the punishment that surely awaits her.

Notes from the Doctrine Committee

After prolonged discussion, prayer and Bible study we have come to a conclusion.

Albert Ross believes that Jesus is "divine, but not like God. Like his son - so maybe like a bit less of a god than God is." 

I believe this is a lesson to us all.  Once we start trying to understand the Bible on our own, we can end up down all sorts of strange and unorthodox back-alleyways.  We have found Albert guilty of Arianism. Of course, in these enlightened days we can't go burning people for heresy. So given that Albert won't change his mind, we've recommended that he join the Church of England. We reckon he'll fit in there.

Protest(ant) the Pope

I rarely visit the Guardian's "Comment is Free" section. Too often, it appears to me, things that are free are not valued, and this would go for many of the valueless comments in this section.

It seems that, after a day's gnawing the carpet, the average follower of Comment is Free likes nothing better than to express hatred of somebody they disagree with, before going off to find another carpet to gnaw. I suppose you have to have a hobby, but it makes even train spotting - of which I have frequently repented with many a salty tear of regret - appear a useful redemption of your time.

However. I broke my habit to read the Church Mouse's article on the "Protest the Pope" meeting in Richmond.  And the first thing I suppose I should feel is gratitude that there are still libraries in Richmond at all. It is a surprise to hear they have not been declared "elitist", biased towards the literate, and closed.But I expect that the King James Version of the Bible is unavailable there, as it is in so many of our public facilities.

And yet I feel there are good reasons not to agree with the Pope - to be a Protestant, in the truest sense of the world. He does not appear to believe in faith alone for redemption, nor in Scripture as the sole source of religious belief. He appears to think that wearing "vestments" is in some way necessary and not damaging to the Faith. As far as I am aware he has never quoted Spurgeon. Nor does he reject the heretical orders of Priests and Bishops.  And he agrees with infant baptism.

It is time to ignore the fripperies of foaming-mouthed Guardian-reading atheists and get to the heart of the matter. Let us protest the Pope because he does not use the Redemption Hymnal or an overhead projector. Then we will be dealing with matters of substance.