Could not help but notice this string of yew thefts in the local papers. I am slightly worried about the resemblance of the alleged yew thief to our Assistant Druid to the Archdruid, Drayton Parslow. And suddenly slightly more worried about the Traditional Beaker Hedge that Young Keith has been planting on our School Lane boundary. But mostly concerned about the sheer number of puns in one article.
Wednesday, 11 November 2009
Cedar Tree how big it's grown
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
9:29 AM
0
comments
Labels: Milton Keynes, Yewth Crime
Catholics and Aliens
As the English religious movement most likely to be able to communicate with extra-terrestrials (excluding certain House Churches in the West Midlands), we are pleased to pass on this offer from a local Catholic priest, who insisted that he would not have a cup of tea, no matter how much we suggested he should.
The Catholic Church is pleased to offer Aliens an Alien Ordinariate. Aliens may henceforth join the Catholic Church under exactly the same terms as they had in the past, but under a new media campaign that is intended to embarrass His Grace Ming the Merciless.
Alien priests will be free to join the Holy Catholic Church. However, ordination as real (not alien) priests will be at the discretion of the hierarchy. Tentacles are not a pre-requisite of being a priest.
Alien confirmation, which is dependent upon the laying on of tentacles, will not be regarded as a real confirmation. Aliens will have to receive the laying on of hands to become true Catholics. From real bishops. The ones with hands. Not tentacles.
Aliens wishing to become priests will require psychological profiling to ensure they do not have unnatural desires for aliens. Unfortunately, odds are they will have by definition. Let's face it, they're aliens.
Married aliens may be accepted for ordination as priests. But clearly they won't be real priests. After all, they're aliens.
Female alien priests will be requested to remain in the Church of Aliens, where they belong. They're not real priests, and they're probably not real females. Whatever "female" means in Alien circles.
On the whole, if you're an alien and you want to be a Catholic priest - best to wait till you retire. You'll not be a burden on our congregations then. Mind you, if being an alien you're due to retire at the age of 7,000, we'll have a bit of a wait for you. Maybe you could minister in the C of E in the meantime? They might not notice you're anything unusual.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
1:00 AM
0
comments
Labels: When Aliens go Catholic
Monday, 9 November 2009
The Large Hadron Collider Future Scientists Conspiracy Theory
The Sun* has undertaken a rare venture into the worlds of philosophy and fundamental science. OK, it has the advantage of a couple of scientists with exotic names (to the Sun that is, we already know someone called Holger). These scientists have suggested that it is not the Large Hadron Collider itself, or even God, that is preventing the doom machine from working. No - it is scientists coming "back from the future " to protect themselves against us destroying their past.
My initial thought, that the Sun only took an interest in Hadrons for their anagram potential, I immediately condemned as unworthy.
But if they are scientists from the future, just causing electrical faults and leaks is hardly impressive. The piece of baguette is cheekier. I look forward to it being a beret next time, or a signed photograph of Toulouse Lautrec turning up in the place they insert the protons [insert own joke here]. Or, if they're being particularly cheeky, they could obstruct a ventilation shaft** with Richard Dawkins' epoch-making 2012 work "Why the World was made in 6 days - My Apology".
But we'll know if the theory is right if, next time they try to boot it up, they discover a De Lorean car in the collider. Even more amusing if the future scientists materialise in the Collider, drive it round a few times, and then, having reached 88 miles an hour (which I believe is somewhat slower than will account for relativistic speeds), disappear leaving a spinning number (or, as I believe our American cousins would call it, "licence") plate.
* I would like it noted that I did not pick this piece of news up during my daily read of the aforesaid news-sheet. I would like to give a hat-tip, as I believe it's called, to a tweet from Robin Eccles.
**they surely must have ventilation shafts in the LHC? If not, where do they climb to escape the aliens?
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
10:42 PM
4
comments
Labels: De Loreans, Hadrons, LHC
The great Guinea Pig Offer - continued
More clarity is appearing on the offer from the Guinea Pig folk to the Moon Gibbon Folk. Apparently the Moon Gibbon Folk, if they move to Stewartby, will be entitled to continue to use the Beaker Common Prayer. Ironic, because none of them were using it anyway. They were using their own prayer book, the Wee Gibbon Worship Book. That's when they weren't already using the Guinea Pig People's own prayer book. Some of the more exteme Moon Gibbon folk were actually using the Guinea Pig service book in the original Guinea Pig, although to be honest even many of the real Guinea Pig folk don't really understand what all those grunts and whistles mean.
Apparently the Moon Gibbon folk's druids will continue to be "druids in all but name", albeit that apparently it's the "name" that means they can do all their druidic responsibilities since they will no longer be allowed to read entrails, cut mistletoe or light wicker men people. Apart from that, they'll just retain the ability to go around telling other people what to do. And let's face it, anyone can do that already round here, as long as they've got a cricket bat to hand.
So we wait and see. I've told Burton not to build any reductions in druidic fees into the budget for next year just yet. I get the feeling it's the "doing what you're told" clause they may suffer from.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
7:02 PM
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Labels: Guine Pig Folk, Moon Gibbon Folk
Ceremony for the 20th anniversary of the bringing-down of the Berlin Wall
Dress code: 1980s hair, or, out of respect the for the death of the dreams of a million schoolboy Marxists, anoraks and duffel coats.
Archdruid: Tonight we're gonna party...
All: Like it's 1989.
Archdruid: We remember the fall of the Wall - a symbol of oppression
All: ... a symbol of failure
Archdruid: A godless society...
All: ...never delivered the goods
At this point, Gilbert the Secularist may interpose with the words "you're lumping us all together! I'm one of the nice atheists - not like those communist ones! My kind's never been tried so it's bound to work!"
Archdruid: A failure of humanity
All: A failure of the imagination.
Archdruid: We dance with those who danced on the wall
All: We weep with those who wept.
Archdruid: And now we rejoice in our freedom - the freedom to imagine, to believe and to consume what we want.
All: Bring on the wall!
A large wall with amusing holes cut into it moves across the Orchard. Beaker People throw themselves through it or, if failing to move quickly enough, are knocked into a comedy swimming pool.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
8:47 AM
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comments
Labels: Berlin Wall, Fall, Godless Society
Sunday, 8 November 2009
Namings
One of a druid's blessings is the chance to preside at naming ceremonies. There's something very solemn about giving a child a name - one that is given with love, with care, with consideration for our hopes for their future and yet knowing that they stand at just one point - currently the latest - in their families' traditions.
And yet sometimes you do wonder. I mean take this morning. I know that some families, in some kind of attempt at being aspirational, have named their children things like "Chardonnay", "Chanel", Brooklyn and "Porsche". But all the same, today's naming of the Browns seemed to be pushing it.
Still, we hope this morning's children will be blessed by the Occasion. And that "Merlot Shiraz", "Skoda", "Hammersmith Broadway" and "Calvin Klein" will have long, happy and spirtually-fulfilled lives.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
11:56 AM
0
comments
Labels: Daft Names, Naming
Saturday, 7 November 2009
Large Hadron Bird Feeder
We're a little concerned that, after being told the Large Hadron Collider was ready to roll, and that God wasn't stopping it , once again it is not working. This time because a bird has dropped a piece of baguette in the cooling machinery. Even more concerned that apparently it took members of the public to notify the scientists responsible for the time-bomb machine. What were those scientists doing when they should have been looking out for overheating hadrons? Our suspicion is that they were probably feeding the birds.
Or alternatively - given his association with ravens - perhaps what they've actually built is a Large Odin Collider? No wonder his Norseness would get upset and stop the machine working. After all, having been injected into the Collider and whizzed around at speeds near to the speed of light, any deity's going to be feeling a bit thor.
But back to the bird strike. Naturally, with all those French scientists around, it was going to be a bit of baguette - but if they whizzed it once round would they be able to get it warmed up? Have we actually funded the Large Hadron Toaster?
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
7:42 PM
1 comments
Labels: Large Hadron Collider, Odin
Anyone else see the irony in this?
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
7:48 AM
4
comments
Friday, 6 November 2009
Dumbing Down of Exam Standards
There has been a great deal of fuss over the alleged dumbing-down of Science Exam standards.
Oddly some of this was aimed at our own Beaker Examining Board. Some people seemed to think we have abandoned scientific impartiality in order to "target" (whatever that may mean) the Faith School market. I hope last year's Year 9 Science exam, attached below, will prove this is not true.
Please write only in green crayon and on one side of the earth (the flat side) only.
Section 1 - PHYSICS
1 - "Light is...."
(a) A wave
(b) A stream of particles, or "photons"
(c) Both of the above depending upon your frame of reference and the type of experiment you are carrying out
(d) God's clothing
2 - Why do we not float off from the earth?
(a) Gravitional attraction
(b) Because it's flat
(c) Because it's a giant magnet and we have iron in our bodies
(d) Because God said.
3. The universe is claimed to be c. 12 billion years old, yet the farthest stars are apparently 25 billion light years away. Explain?
(a) There's something wrong with the calculation
(b) The expansion of the universe has caused it.
(c) Some stars travel in warp drive.
(d) God set it up so it looked that way, in 4004BC. He created all the light on its way in at the same time. This was a very clever trick to test the faithful and fool those who are wise in their own eyes.
4. The limits on radiocarbon dating are now up to 70 thousand years. What would this be useful for?
(a) Checking the freshness of food in supermarkets.
(b) Dating mammoths, stone-age humans and petrified forests.
(c) Nothing whatsover.
5. Schrodinger's cat is...
(a) A thought experiment
(b) A very cruel experiment, which proves why we should not trust scientists
(c) Demised
(d) Very much still with us
(e) 50% (c) and 50% (d)
(f) Hang on, I'll just open the box. Oh dear...
6. Fire is...
(a) The glowing of particles releasing energy after combustion
(b) One of the four elements, alongside water, earth and air
(c) A useful tool in dealing with heresy
Section 2 - GEOLOGY
1- How did fossils come to be in the rock strata?
(a) They're the remains of animals that were caught in the Flood
(b) They were put there by God to test us in our faith
(c) They were put there by the evil one to tempt us to abandon our faith
(d) They were put there by Steve Borthwick to confuse us.
2 - What action caused the creation of the Himalayas?
(a) Plate tectonics
(b) A giant tortoise ploughed into India after an ill-fated freak mutation meant it could fly but not very well.
(c) They're the remains of a dead giant
(d) God made them in 4004 BC
3 - What kind of rock was laid down by the shells of tiny sea creatures in the Cretaceous period, roughly 100 million years ago?
(a) Marble
(b) Limestone
(c) You having a laugh?
Section 3 - MEDICINE
1 - Historically, how would you treat somebody who was suffering from manic depression?
(a) Beat them with sticks to drive out the demons
(b) Chain them up and beat them with sticks on a strictly scientific basis
(c) Medication
(d) Pray for them
(e) All of the above
(f) Offer aromatherapy
2 - What would be your first actions if finding someone who had lost a hand in a road crash?
(a) Pray that the hand would be restored
(b) Phone an ambulance, keep them still and laid down, apply pressure in an attempt to restrict blood flow
(c) Offer aromatherapy
(d) Beat them with sticks to drive out the demons
3 - How would you treat sufferers from Swine Influenza
(a) Antibiotics
(b) Anti-virals
(c) Beat them with sticks to drive out the demons.
4 - What would the best method of dealing with a fever be?
(a) Paracetamol
(b) Cold flannel
(c) A nice warm blanket and hot water bottle
(d) Look, just pass me the sticks, I'll beat them myself.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
1:28 PM
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comments
Labels: Dumbing Down, Exams, religion, Science
Bad Science
An eventful evening yesterday, I thought.
Most of the controversy prevailed around Young Keith's new firework. In these credit-crunched times, we decided it would be cheaper to make our own from scratch. As Beaker People will be aware, this has involved collecting the crystallised residue around the edges of the cesspit as one of the source ingredients of the gunpowder. So many people were deeply relieved that we had finally reached Bonfire night.
In the light of previous engineering endeavours, it probably wasn't surprising that Keith decided to build his rocket out of wood recycled from pallets. However that did mean that the scale of the thing was quite surprising. You rarely see a firework 27 cubic feet in capacity.
My chief scientific adviser, Albert Heisenberg, declared himself uncertain about whether this was a good idea. In his view, there was far too much explosive dedicated to going out - and not enough intended to send the firework up. In any case, he said, the danger of burning pieces of pallet was good enough reason not to light the thing.
As we carried the firework - rather gingerly, I have to admit - out to the Orchard, Dr Heisenberg turned out to be far more certain - shouting "It's a death trap! You're putting us all in danger!" With this kind of scientific advice, what could I do? Naturally I sacked Dr Heisenberg immediately.
When Young Keith lit the device, it was quite a revelation. Lifting itself off the ground to a height of 2 feet, it then flew wildly round the Orchard. In retrospect, lighting it in the Orchard was a bad move - as it bounced off the trees it resembled a pin-ball. However in what I thought was quite an irony, it is fair to say that although we could tell where it was, and how fast it was going, it was quite tricky to judge both at the same time. Eventually, leaving a pile of Beaker Folk cowering behind the Dairy wall, it flew straight into the Moot House and blew it to pieces. At which all the people went "ooooh!" It was very pretty, I must admit. But we do need a new Moot House now. And a new scientific adviser.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
8:46 AM
1 comments
Labels: evidence-based policy, fireworks, Science
Thursday, 5 November 2009
The Moon Gibbon Conspiracy
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Dear Reader, I have taken the opportunity of the Archdruid's temporary absence to get hold of this wondrous connection to the outside world to share my deep concern. As an accountant I have always been more familiar with the detailed and reliable workings of the Adding Machine - you can count on an Adding Machine. And Eileen likes to keep me away from the Internetory Technology as much as possible, trying to keep me from over-excitement. She doesn't think that accountants should have too much excitement, and do you know, I think she's probably right.
- Nobody has seen the Moon Gibbon since last month's moonshot.
- The moonshot totally failed to kick up any dust. Evidence that it hit something big and soft.
- NASA have published no results since the moonshot. Can we not conclude that this was because the substances they found should not have been there? For example - simian hair and hide? Are the NASA-paid scientists not, as we speak, trying to come up with some rationale - for example that the moonshot accidentally "winged" an earthly gibbon on the way up, due to an unfortunate gibbon climbing across the rocket just before take-off? Or indeed - are they simply falsifying the evidence?
- I have written to NASA six times to ask for information. They have repeatedly refused to address my concerns.
- My petition on the No 10 website - "That the Prime Minister should explain what has happened to the Moon Gibbon" was repeatedly taken down on the grounds that it was "frivolous".
- Young Keith's friend Briony reckons it was NASA and she's got a science A-level.
Posted by
Burton Dasset
at
9:10 PM
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Labels: concerned, Conspiracy, moon gibbon
Guy Fawkes
On this of all days I am concerned about the treatment, approximately 400 years ago, of the so-called "traitor", Guido "Guy" Fawkes.
It would appear that Guido was brainwashed by a cell of well-off religious fundamentalists into launching a terrorist attack on the English government. Although there is a certain amount of circumstantial evidence (i.e. he was found in the cellars with a load of gunpowder), there is a distinct possibility (i.e. the government admitted it) that Fawkes may have been tortured to obtain his confession.
We are calling on the Government to investigate, and for Gordon Brown to issue an apology immediately.
In other news, we're really looking forward to Bonfire Night. We're using Jedward as twin guys this year.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
8:49 AM
0
comments
Labels: Guy Fawkes is innocent
Wednesday, 4 November 2009
Rights
The Glasgay! Arts Festival seems to have stirred up the kind of fuss it was after. And clearly the people putting on the production of "Jesus - Queen of Heaven" have a right to put it on. But when they say that the banners of the inevitable protesters outside could be viewed as "inciting homophobia", are they themselves guilty of suppressing the legal right of religious groups to express their opinions? Now that it is possible to take your employees to court on the basis of your environmental views, effectively claiming they are religious (and therefore protected).
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
2:14 PM
2
comments
Health and Safety
This is why Health and Safety Matters. If the driver had been wearing a hi-viz none of this need have happened. More smashed bottles than Bedford on a Friday night. But unlike Bedford, nobody was seriously hurt.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
9:17 AM
3
comments
Labels: Forklift., Health and Safety, Russian Vodka Warehouse
Secular Schism
It is with... I was going to say "regret" but that may be overdoing it. It is with a sense of the duty to share information that I have to tell you that the Beaker Secularists are no more. Apparently Gilbert and Rodwell disagreed over whether secularists should wear anoraks or duffel coats. Meanwhile - much to everyone's amazement - Stanley has met a girl and therefore lost all interest in drinking cider-and-black in the Weatherspoon's in Milton Keynes while discussing Nietzsche.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
1:30 AM
2
comments
Labels: Beaker Secularists, Schism
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Post Strike
Beaker People cannot fail to have noticed that there is a "Post Strike" on. Please be clear what this implies. This does not mean a chance to strike the postman. He's having a hard enough time as it is, what with the Royal Mail doing whatever it is that it's doing to upset him [Hnaef, you're more left wing so you probably care - please fill in with whatever it's all about]. So the last thing he wants is Beaker Folk striking him as he walks up the path.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
11:04 PM
0
comments
Labels: CWU, Postal Strike
All Soul's Commemoration
Well I'm pleased to say that the All Soul's Day Commemoration is finally over.
We thought it would be nice to co-incide with the Full Moon by starting at moonrise, assuming the Occasion would just take the normal half an hour or so, as the name of each Departed Beloved was read and a tea light lit in their honour.
But as I reached the end of the list I was expecting to read, I noticed that somebody - I suspect Young Keith - had stapled a fairly sizeable chunk of the 1891 Census for Islington onto the back.
What was I to do? There's no denying that all the people on that list were among the Departed. Some were probably ancestors of Beaker Folk present. So I just kept going.
Some time around midnight we started to run out of tea lights, but Burton kindly nipped over to Tesco's at Kingston and bought in a couple of pallets.
Just now, as we filed away from the Moot House tired and dizzy from lack of sleep, someone registered a complaint. "Don't you realise?" he asked, "It's not meant to be about Them. It's meant to be about Us."
I must reflect.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
12:45 PM
2
comments
Labels: All Soul's Day, Commemoration
Monday, 2 November 2009
A meditation for All Souls' Day
And so what do we make of All Souls' Day, in our post-Christendom paradigm? In an environment where the most popular funeral songs, as previously discussed, are such songs as Robbie Williams's "Angels" and Celine Dion's "My Love Must Go on"*
So on All Souls' Day, the Beaker Folk will light a tea light for all the dead people we want to remember. And we will desperately hope that when we light one for Uncle Ernest, Auntie Gladys won't be too upset, because we didn't light one for her - because if we did that then Cousin Wilf would want one as well. And before you knew it we'd be lighting one for every dead person we'd ever met (before they died, obviously). Because where would you draw the line? Honestly, it would be like writing Christmas cards.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
7:39 AM
0
comments
Labels: All Souls' Day, How the dead live, Tea Lights
Of Pumpkins and Plagiarism
Between the important matters of Stephen Fry's Twittering and the ancient commemoration of All Souls' it would seem foolish to share anything else. But then you find this. http://r-liggins0811-dc.blogspot.com/2009/10/rituals-involving-pumpkins.html Someone has summarised the Beaker Folk Pumpkin Ritual. In years to come new neo-pagan groups will no doubt claim it's a 2000 year old ritual. They will of course be right.... As long as they leave it 2000 years. And they've done it without crediting the site. Young Keith's uncle the Police Constable is looking under "P" for "Plagiarism" even as we speak. I tell you, it's enough to get someone drummed out of the Angular Rusting University Druidic Studies course.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
12:03 AM
0
comments
Labels: Plagiarism, Pumpkin
Sunday, 1 November 2009
The Feast of Tweediness
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
12:05 PM
1 comments
Labels: Stephen Fry, Twitter
Saturday, 31 October 2009
An Ecumenical Halloween

I think we're all set up for our Samhain celebrations. The Wicker Person now looks scarily like Harriet Harman but it's too late to do much about that now. The oven-ready chicken, spare ribs, potatoes, sweet corn, marshmallows etc are all ready to be put in the Wicker Person later. The cider and spices are ready for mulling and we've all got umbrellas at the ready.
We've sent "Happy All Saints" cards to the local vicars, and "Hope they're all out of Purgatory soon" cards to the local Rabidly Traditional Catholic splinter group, ready for All Souls.
So now we just have the excitement of wondering whether the Moon Gibbon Folk will join us for tonight's celebrations. They still keep telling us that we're a bunch of heretics and they're only staying for the money, but on the other hand the moon is nearly full now so they're cheering up nicely. And I noticed they had their eyes on our Halloween masks this year. The Nick Griffin one is of course really popular, and I wish Private Eye hadn't got there first, but I like the Ann Widdecombe, Christopher Hitchens and Jordan masks as well. There's gonna be some terrified people down School Lane tonight.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
7:52 AM
1 comments
Labels: Halloween, Oven-ready Chickens, Samhain
Friday, 30 October 2009
Drinking Alcohol for Swine Flu
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
10:29 PM
1 comments
Expenses Scandal
People have been asking why, under pressure from such notorious trouble-makers as Drayton Parslow, we have not adopted a similar policy to the MPs and appointed someone to go through the Druids' expenses for the last few years. The suggestion is that if we find that any members of the Druidic council have over-claimed they should refund the money.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
6:37 AM
2
comments
Labels: Drayton Parslow, Expenses, Scandal
Thursday, 29 October 2009
Human Rights and Waxing Gibbons
Now you couldn't get a group of people more interested than the Husborne Crawley Beaker Folk when it comes to human rights. From dawn to dusk we are watching anxiously to ensure that no-one's rights are infringed by anyone else's, no matter how much the rights concerned may appear to conflict. For example, when Bildad's right to play the banjo at 3am clashed with my right to have a good night sleep, we were able to encourage Wilpo's right to smash banjos to resolve the issue.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
10:24 PM
0
comments
Labels: Beaker Rights, Gibbon Moon, Human rights
Swine Flu Latest
After the latest swine flu update from the British Government, telling us that there's another 70,000 plus cases arisen in the last week, it's time to put back the precautions we had in early summer.
Accordingly, the "manly handshake of blessing" is once again replaced with the "waving gingerly from behind a perspex screen of blessing". The snog of peace and hug of hunny-bunnyness are definitely still banned. And please avoid sharing Beakers.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
5:12 PM
0
comments
Labels: Swine Flu, Swine Flu Policy Update
Woodhenge and Halloween
We note the rather nice piece on Wood- and other henges on the BBC website. Especially the (necessarily conjectural) idea that the dead were carried from the forests of Durrington Walls (a wooden structure) to the stone and therefore permanent emplacement of Stonehenge - symbol of the dead. We are struck with the parallel with Swaledale's "Corpse Way", whereby once upon a time dead Northerners were carried in wicker baskets to their rest at Grinton Church. We also consider the irony that in the mid-19th century, almost the entire population was carried from this beautiful Dale down into the Durham Coalfields. We have been asked whether we might consider a similar long-distance transportation to a resting place.
So far we have said no. Partly because you don't like to think about such things, especially coming up to Samhain. Partly because the current crop of Beaker Folk look like lasting for years, thereby holding up any chance of getting our hands on their legacies. And partly because it's such a blooming long way to the crematorium along dangerous roads. I'm not carrying a dead Beaker Person along the A5 for any amount of tradition.
Meanwhile on the Halloween front, I notice that the Wicker Person (I've decided to change it from "Wicker Man" for the purposes of annoying everyone) is now at full height ready for the great burning on Saturday. Unfortunately it also seems to have taken on a decided resemblance to Simon Cowell, including the high-waisted pallets. On the bright side, as it sways in the wind our Wicker Simon has more mobility in its face than the real one. Still, we don't want to upset the rich and powerful. Please can somebody make the Wicker Person more anonymous.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
8:20 AM
0
comments
Labels: Grinton-in-Swaledale, Halloween, Samhain, Simon Cowell, Wicker Man, Woodhenge
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
Night of the Living Meerkat
Strictly speaking, meerkats are more like Anglicans than Beaker People. Both meerkats and members of the Church of England having the habit of keeping their heads low to avoid detection, then suddenly bobbing up and down to see what is going on.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
8:21 PM
0
comments
Liturgy for the 1697th anniversary of the Battle of Milvian Bridge
A dull grey morning as the two opposing armies (led by Hnaef and Eileen) head out onto the Field of Battle (the Great Meadow).
("joke" continues until a number of Spartaci receive prods with a pokey-pokey sword*)
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
7:55 AM
0
comments
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
Halloween Wicker Man
The Wicker Man is now rising nicely over Big Meadow. By the time Samhain arrives we're wanting it to be 40 feet tall. We're hoping the flames will be visible in Dunstable.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
6:43 PM
0
comments
Labels: Halloween, Samhain, Wicker Man
Data Mining Updates
Possibly no real surprises here.
People who bought Eamonn Duffy's "Stripping of the Altars" also bought lovely baroque or Romantic-period doilies that make you wish you're back in the middle ages.
People who bought very ornate doilies made from lace rather than paper also tended to buy Newman's "Apologia Pro Vita Sua".
People buying material for the Alpha Course made the mistake of letting someone else buy doilies for them, with the result that they've all got beer-mats.
Doilies that were very plain - frankly just pieces of circular, undyed paper -showed a strong propensity to purchase Calvin's "Institutes of the Christian Religion", while doilies that are made of recycled paper, washed in the cleanest streams of the Scottish Highlands and islands, show a strong affinity to the Iona Community's "Wee Worship Book".
People who bought "The Communist Manifesto" refused to buy doilies at all on the grounds that they're a product of the enforced labour of the working classes.
People who bought Spring Harvest worship CDs tended not to buy doilies at all on the grounds that they're not much use when you're driving.
And people who bought either copies of "Humanae Vitae" or "The God Delusion" will be right back to let us know what doilies they like, just as soon as they've been told.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
12:51 PM
0
comments
Labels: Data Mining, doilies
Business Intelligence Day
As proof that the Divine is found in all things, we are declaring today to be "Beaker Business Intelligence Day". All Beaker People will spend the day carrying out basket analysis and data mining operations on the sales from Mrs Whimsey's Doily Co as we try to determine the one nugget that will clinch our attempt to combine selling doilies with selling books.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
8:45 AM
0
comments
Monday, 26 October 2009
Send them back to Rome
Bordwulk has a habit of expatiating loudly on subjects which he doesn't always fully understand. And I'm afraid he managed to get two threads in the news rather confused - he's never really happy with trying to hold two thoughts in his head at the same time, which is why we're trying to persuade him he may be better off joining the Beaker Secularists. In any case, we've been trying to explain to him that Anglo Catholics don't "come over here imposing their customs on us" - they were here already. And "if they don't like the Church of England they can clear off back where they came from" would presumably mean Oxford.
He then had a couple in the White Horse and was later to be heard shouting "one of them Fransiscans comes near my wife, I tell you I'll do time."
He's on the Forward in Faith website now, hitting the Refresh button repeatedly under the impression that every time he votes an Anglo-Catholic goes back to Rome.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
6:27 PM
0
comments
Labels: Foreign beliefs
The X-Anglican Factor
Who goes to Rome first from a list of high-profile Anglican traditionalists ? You decide...
For the Bishop of Ebbsfleet phone 09889 998001
For the Bishop of Rochester phone 09889 998002
For The Bishop of Chichester phone 09889 998003
For the Bishop of Fulham phone 09889 998004
For Simon Cowell phone 09889 998005
For the Archbishop of Canterbury... don't bother.
If you phone after February 2010 please be aware that you may be charged for your call, but your vote won't count.
These are made-up numbers as far as we're aware, but then we could be wrong. For all we know phone calls to these numbers could cost £1000/ minute especially in Nigeria so we don't advise phoning them.
Normal terms and conditions apply. Joining the Catholic Church no longer results in a simple lump sum from the Church of England. Does not apply in Northern Ireland.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
1:14 PM
1 comments
Labels: Rome, X-Anglican
Moon Gibbon Poll
I'm concerned about the Moon Gibbon poll we're running. Asked whether the Moon Gibbon exists, 6 people have voted "yes". Since that happens to be the same number of people as there are Moon Gibbon Folk, including all four of their druids (they're a bit top-heavy on druids - the other two members can't be druids due to their lack of beards), we suspect that there's some poll-rigging going on. Not least because the IP address of the votes suggests they all came from the Moon Gibbon Folk's dedicated broadband access on the Howling Hill.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
8:27 AM
6
comments
Sunday, 25 October 2009
The Night of 10,000 Tea Lights
Accustomed as I am to recounting the serial disasters that we suffer whenever we attempt some kind of alternative worship, we seem to have had a wonderful success with our "Night of 10,000 Tea Lights".
You can over-analyse these things. One thing's for certain. When Boldrid stepped over the chain of tea lights and his flares caught fire, it was hilarious. Do you really need a spiritual experience to have a point when that happens?
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
11:09 PM
0
comments
Labels: 000, 10, Tea Lights
Peaceful, Liberal Conflict Resolution
In the end we had to do something about Ludwick and Bloodwort. Frankly they were really getting to us, strutting around the place wearing their notorious "Mauve Shirts" (all the other colours have gone) and telling us we had to be out by tomorrow lunchtime.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
12:25 PM
0
comments
Labels: Education
Saturday, 24 October 2009
The Moon Gibbon Folk Druids - Decision Update
The Moon Gibbon Druids have been having a "Howl" to decide whether or not to accept the Guinea Pig Worshippers' offer of acceptance into their community, no questions asked, as long as they do what they're told and take the pay cut.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
9:17 PM
0
comments
A deep concern
Pausing only to wipe the froth from his mouth occasionally, Ludwick managed to cause great concern in the Moot House yesterday with his speech, "Why you can all get out".
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
12:25 PM
0
comments
Labels: Tolerance
Friday, 23 October 2009
... burning crosses
You could have heard a pin drop around the Moot House as we watched the BBC's "Question Time" this evening. Nick Griffin announced that he was standing up for the indigenous people who have been in this country for 17,000 years. 17,000 years? Since 5,000 years before the end of the last Ice Age? No wonder the British are such a hardy race. After 5,000 years of permafrost and glaciers, standing up to a bit of drizzle was always gonna be a doddle.
Or perhaps - cue the violins and pull out an onion - perhaps we should all who live in these crazy, mixed-up, dirty and yet achingly beautiful islands learn to respect one another, stop identifying the "Other" - whoever that "Other" is - light our tea lights and stand shoulder to shoulder. It's a decent country underneath it all. Let's celebrate it.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
12:01 AM
0
comments
Thursday, 22 October 2009
Burning Bibles, Burning Worlds
Now I think it's generally known that we in the Beaker People don't really "do" irony. Likewise parody, satire and just plain sarcky-ness. We don't get it and we don't approve.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
8:57 PM
2
comments
Labels: Burning Bibles, Colour Blindness, End of days
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
Those appropriate and inappropriate Funeral Songs in Full
After the fuss over secular funerals (a good idea for people who don't believe in God, in our opinion) and unsuitable hymns, I offer the following guidance for any druids who may have to conduct a Beaker funeral, whether at Crownhill, Stopsley, or even one of the many pet crematoria in the Bedford area.
My Way (Sinatra)
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
11:25 PM
5
comments
Real-time Conversions Feed
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
4:47 PM
8
comments
Labels: conversions, feed
The Guinea Pig Folk Offer - a Reconsideration

On reflection, I may have been a little unprepared in my reaction to the offer yesterday from the Guinea Pig Folk of Stewartby to accept any groups of the Moon Gibbon Folk, on their own terms, into a special "Gibbon Folk of Stewartby" sub-sect. The Moon Gibbon Folk will be allowed to continue to scream with fear at New Moon and Lunar Eclipses, and to use their Wee Moon Gibbon Worship Book (actually the Iona Wee Worship Book with the word "God" crossed out and "Moon Gibbon" written in its place in crayon).
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
8:18 AM
2
comments
Labels: Ecumenism, Guinea Pig Folk, Moon Gibbon Folk
Swine Flu Vaccination
I note that the rollout of the new Swine Flu Vaccine is now beginning. I can only encourage all members of the community, as it becomes available to them, to take advantage of it. It is important that we take all steps to stop the spread of this virulent disease.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
8:13 AM
1 comments
Labels: Herd Immunity, Swine Flu, Vaccine
Sunday, 18 October 2009
Of Quarks and Berks
Young Keith has been taking a great interest in the aims and problems of the Large Hadron Collider. His comment that the scientists concerned obviously just aren't very practical led to a great deal of shouting around the place, and he's now gone off and built his very own "Big Bang Machine".
- God is stopping the Large Bozo Collider from working until he is ready to reveal the secrets of the universe.
- The Large Bozo Collider is sabotaging itself from the future. The Huge Bozo would be a particle so abhorrent to nature that even the Westboro Baptist Church wouldn't let it be a member. Therefore the space-time continuum itself intervenes to stop the device working.
- The Bozos are not reaching the speeds necessary for the quantum effects to kick in. So he needs to buy some stronger elastic.
- The Bozos aren't large enough, and he has in fact only built a medium-sized Moron collider.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
3:54 PM
0
comments
Labels: Boson, Higgs, Quantum of Stupidity
Friday, 16 October 2009
A Momentary Lapse of Reason
Just a minor panic for a moment there.
I was sitting in the conservatory, watching the sunlight illuminating the remaining leaves on the pear trees. From far off I could hear the happy sounds of Beaker Folk, singing spirituals as they picked sweetcorn for our new "Jolly Green Druid" range. All was well, mentally, physically and spiritually.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
2:39 PM
1 comments
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Global Warming Action Day
Despite the evidence of thriving populations of polar bears, and it being ten years since the warmest year globally recorded, we remain ever-vigilant to the dangers of global warming. After all, it was the original Beaker People that invented global warming. Faced with the danger of a new ice age, they burnt down all the forests to keep the temperature up. Thus proving that it is possible to work with Mother Gaia in a constructive, but forest-burning, kind of way.
I think we can show our commitment through the following initatives that we carried out over the last six months:
- We've been heating the Great House by burning old tyes in the wood burning stove. OK we've had to buy a new stove after the old one filled up with toxic rubber compounds, but you've got to make sacrifices.
- We've been recycling all the empty aluminium cases from our tea lights into a giant statue of Al Gore, instead of burying them in the orchard like we used to.
- We buried all the pumpkin pulp after the Parade of Pumpkins, at a depth of half a mile. The JCB we used may have emitted some carbon dioxide - but we offset this by only drinking non-fizzy beer.
- To avoid pilgrims bringing their 4x4s into Husborne Crawley, we've been setting an example by getting them to park at Cranfield Aerodrome and then bringing them in by helicopter.
- Realising that the windows in the Great House were wood-framed, we ripped them out, burnt the frames, and replaced them with U-PVC. So much warmer, and they'll last forever. The Planning Committee didn't like it, but we've blackmailed them.
- We've stopped Burton from eating any more lentils.
- Since we heard that mature woodlands are actually a net creator of carbon dioxiode, we've burnt down the spinney.
- We're really keen on recycling bottles. Especially the milk bottles we get delivered each morning. Every day, without fail, we drive them over to Leighton Buzzard to put them in the bottle bank.
- We've kidnapped a couple of pandas from the Safari Park. Strictly speaking this doesn't reduce global warming or increase biodiversity, but they're just so cute.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
5:09 PM
0
comments
Labels: Global Warming
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Swine Flu and Drinking Alcohol
As one of the sites that frequently mentions Swine Flu (and Alcohol) we here in Husborne Crawley are finding that the most common search by which people are finding us contains the words Swine Flu and Drinking Alcohol.
Let's put those two together. A drug that lowers your resistance, and a disease that is much worse for people who have lowered resistance.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
10:43 PM
2
comments
Labels: Drinking Alcohol, Swine Flu
Swine Flu Update
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
10:23 AM
0
comments
Labels: Swine Flu Policy Update, Tamiflu
Disaster at the Pet Service
Not good news from this morning's Celebration of the Wonders of Evolution and the Created Order. Or Pet Service, for short. In fact, disaster would be a much better description. Of course, it all started so promisingly. Elois brought her horse, Champion. The Bogsleys brought along their rather lovely Retriever. A couple of nice Siamese, Drayton's budgie and little Ellsmere's tarantula.
But it all went downhill after old Mrs Griggs swallowed that fly.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
8:35 AM
0
comments
Labels: Pet Service
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
The post-modern airplane
We wondered what all the banging around in the Toolshed was about, and now we have discovered. Young Keith has built himself a post-modern airplane.

Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
9:15 PM
0
comments
Monday, 12 October 2009
Son of the Moon Gibbon
After staying up very late, one of the Gibbon Moon people finally got a view of the Moon some time in the early hours of this morning. Discovering that it was indeed smaller than last time he saw it, he came to the conclusion that the Moon Gibbon had survived the assault on the Moon that Nasa launched on Friday. Needless to say he ran back to the Great House (Gibbon Wing) to share the glad tidings with his fellow-religionists.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
9:24 PM
0
comments
Sunday, 11 October 2009
Parable of the Talents II - The Sequel
And once again, unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took yet another journey. After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them once more. And so he that had received five talents came and brought fifty-five talents, saying, "Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents: behold, by shorting RBS I earned myself a bonus of fifty-five talents." He also that had received two talents came and said, "Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents: behold, I invested in the selling of packaged mortgages and now have a bonus of forty-five talents." Their lord said unto them, "Well done, good and faithful servants; ye have been faithful over a few things, I will make you rulers over many things: enter ye into the joy of thy lord, and turn over to me my seven talents." And the servants replied unto him, "Afraid we've lost your talents due a sudden lack of market liquidity. But verily we've bought ourselves a couple of nice little villas even in the country, so verily at least we're sorted." Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, "I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed: so having learnt my lesson from thee last time, I put it in the bank." And his lord said unto him "Well done thou good, faithful and prudent servant. Verily let's have the talent then - after all these long journeys I am sore in need of a bevvy." And the servant said, "Sorry to break it to thee, lord. But it was in Kaupthing. Still, you got 10 centi-talents back in the talent." And there was more wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
7:02 PM
0
comments
A Clash of Ideologies
It's been a disappointing weekend for our latest group of pilgrims, as they pack their weekend bags into their Shoguns and head off in the rain for Junction 13.
This was our fourth "Encountering the Silence of the Night" weekend. Friday night they were to be standing in awe in the Orchard, feeling the quiet and the darkness and receiving them as balm to the soul. This was ruined by the sound of wailing from the Gibbon Moon people as they mourned the possible death of their god in the landing of the NASA moonshot. It's hard to feel that the universe is beneficent and friendly when all you can hear are cries of "It's so unfair! He was only 4 billion years old!"
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
8:54 AM
0
comments
Labels: Drums, Ensemble, Gibbon Moon, Kirsty, Tolerance
Saturday, 10 October 2009
Liturgy for the Nativity of Kirsty MacColl (10/10/59)
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
12:01 AM
1 comments
Labels: Happy Birthday, Kirsty
Friday, 9 October 2009
Prize Giving
I can only say how humbled I am to have received an Oscar for best actress. That the sole acting role of my life is in a home video of Hnaef's called "The Beaker Folk Take Walsingham" only adds to my surprise. I shall endeavour to stay centred. I would thank all the people that have contributed to my success in this role, but in fact it was all down to me.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
8:48 PM
1 comments
Who shot the Moon Gibbon?

The news that the space shot threw up no moon dust comes as no surprise to some of our more extreme Beaker People.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
8:38 PM
0
comments
Labels: moon gibbon, Moon Shot
Shooting the Moon
I'll be honest, we Husborne Crawley Beaker People are unhappy about NASA's experiment to shoot two spacecraft at the Moon.
The complaints come on several levels. Firstly we have the annoyance at this typically alpha-male desire to go around shooting at anything that moves. Pheasants, quail, pigeons we can maybe tolerate - they're food, after all. But the Moon? It's not even real sport. It's not like it can duck.
Secondly we have the concern that by behaving in this manner, we are once again putting Humankind's size 11s all over something serene, beautiful and spiritual. But I don't suppose the NASA scientists will care about this.
Thirdly there's the slightly barmy fringe. The Moon Gibbon folk have concerns that their god may get hurt in all this should he be sitting in a crater in the wrong place at the wrong time. And some others are more concerned about the impact on the Clangers, particularly if the Soup Dragon's cave takes a direct hit. They're going to be hoping that the scientific analysis doesn't reveal traces of oxtail in the debris that's kicked up.
And then there's that more general worry. Why is money being spent looking for water on the moon when there's so many people trying to find water down here? And if the search for water is really to enable a shot at Mars - well, Mars is a cold, empty wasteland even further from the Sun than we are. If we completely wreck this joint, going to Mars is not an option.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
8:20 AM
0
comments
Labels: Moon Shot
Thursday, 8 October 2009
Debunking
I'm not happy with some of the chat going round the Community lately. There's been a certain amount of rather foolish scaring of those weak in faith with tales of supernatural beings. So can I summarise:
Herne the Hunter is a rather strange hangover from the Celtic god Cerunnos. Being Celtic he's almost certainly completely made up, probably with the intention of selling some rather cheesy, New-Agey worship CDs.
Finally, Richard Dawkins is a respected Oxford don with a resemblance to a cheesy left-over curate from Holy Trinity Brompton. He does not lurk at the corner of Crow Lane and School Lane, waiting to eat lost children.
Posted by
Archdruid Eileen
at
9:56 PM
0
comments
Labels: Beaker Bogeymen, Debunking

