A Less Religious Christening

Well I think it mostly went well this morning. The family didn't want a "religious" christening, and the Beaker Folk wanted something a bit lively. And so the dry ice in the font was lovely, and the way the holographic laser set-up made a beautiful three-dimensional fountain shame, spiralling above the centre of the Moot House.

The music was well chosen, I thought. Chosen to ensure that the visiting family knew all the songs from their school days. So "Bob the Builder", "The Wheels on the Bus", and "If I were a Butterfly". All played on the pheromone. Not really sure how Burton managed that, and it was a bit disturbing. Simple mistake though. I asked if he could play the theremin.

Hnaef preached the sermon. I say "sermon". He was keen not to use any theological terms, or any religious language that the family and their guests wouldn't understand. Actually, maybe an in-depth comparison of Old English with the C++ programming language was less theological than was actually required. But at least, in accordance with the strict precepts of a Beaker sermon at a baptism, it was only three minutes long and didn't mention God.

So not a bad experience all round. The family really felt welcomed, and I got an invite back to their party afterwards.

During the service, I felt somehow something was missing. Now I've had a few hours' sleep after the party I've just realised. We should have somehow involved the baby.

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

That Shameless Plug Time of the Year

As the storms of Brexit swirl about, the President of the United States worries about his hair getting wet and the Spice Girls reunite without Posh, you're probably wondering which would be worse - "No Deal", World War 3, or Spice World 2 - The Revenge.

And it's in these dark times leading up to Christmas that people tend to think "what book can we buy for Aunt Myrtle that is amusing, compact, and reasonably priced on Amazon?

Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is the book for you. Amusing, reasonably priced, and fitting neatly into any stocking. The vicar thinks the congregation is the problem - and vice versa. The congregation drunk has a pumpkin on his head and everyone wonders why children are allowed in the service.  Especially the children.

From Amazon and The Bible Readers Fellowship.

If You Want to get Ahead, Get a Celt

Exciting archaeological discovery that the  Celts, having decapitated beaten enemies, would embalm their heads for show.

I dunno. That next service "in the Celtic tradition" is gonna be hard to plan.

But it confirms our view about Christmas tree decorations. The Beaker tradition maintains that, when celebrating Yule (or, as they knew it, Loughtanzer), the ancient Celts would hang their enemies' heads from pine trees - making sure to take them down after Twelfth Night. They believed that on the thirteenth day the heads' souls would return and strike the pine tree down with root weevils. And who needs that?

When Christianity took over, it kept the tree but decided the heads were a bit du trop. So the Christians experimented with pumpkins but, realising they weren't actually known in Europe at the time, fell back on inflated pigs' bladders. To those who said that inflated pigs' bladders were hardly festive - especially for the pigs connected to them - it was pointed out that Calvinism was now in, and this was as good as it got this side of Glory.

And so things remained until a German glass-blower, trying to create tinsel that wasn't made from a yard of rats sewn together, accidentally produced a beautiful, round, perfectly useless globe of glass to hang on the tree. And the journey from Celt's enemies head hanging in a pine forest to pointless Christmas decoration was complete.

No Brownie Points

A lot of Beaker Folk asking why we didn't have the uninformed youth organisations at this morning's "parade" service.

It's quite simple. We didn't tell them it was on.

Halloween Weekend Schedule

Beaker Folk have been getting a bit confused about the schedule for this Samhain weekend. So to set it out nice and clearly:

We moved Halloween to tonight, and we will celebrate by burning the Wicker Person  and dancing round dressed as Donald Trump and Jacob Rees-Mogg. Representing those who live in large houses and live off the poor.

We've arranged for our local supernatural terrors to make their traditional appearances this weekend. Black Shuck should be scaring the wits out of unsuspecting drunks about midnight tonight. The Piper at the Gates of Dawn should be dancing in the Big Meadow at 6.30 tomorrow morning. And Hern the Hunter is ever so grateful for the date change, as it means he was still able to get into London during the week to continue his career as a web designer.

Then tomorrow we will celebrate All Saints Day with a New Orleans jazz ensemble. Or we would. But they can't make it. So instead it's the Comb, Paper and Spoons Quartet, with Dolorez guesting on Kazoo.

Then Sunday at 6 pm, we roll through into All Souls Night, when we remember those who've left our presence to go into a more blessed place. We will consider in particular David Cameron in his shepherd's hut, and Nigel Farage with his LBC show. And we will be asking the modern equivalent of the Turing Test: If you are debating with Katie Hopkins or Julia Hartley-Brewer on Twitter, how could you tell if there were a real human being answering?

Which leads nicely into Monday as the first day of the traditional Beaker feast of "Pre-Yule". Or, as we're calling most of November this year, "26 Days of Black Friday". Tea lights will be half price in the Beaker Bazaar, Mrs Whimsey's Doily Company has a two-for-the-price-of-three deal on all multipacks and I'll be desperately trying to keep the bling off the Moot House roof until at least mid-month.

Have a great Transferred Samhain! It's the most wonderful time of the year!

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

A Thought for Halloween

We aren't the lucky, special ones: alive while so many are dead.

We're just slightly behind them in the journey.

Pumpkin and Wine

Budget was a bit of a shock. Obviously no complaints about the tax cuts for rich people, but that's only gonna pay for the wine duty increase. Oh well. "Qu'ils buvent du gin", I guess.

People are asking me about the kid's Halloween party. And I know last year people were terrified by the appearance  of those orange vegetables, formed into a resemblance of human heads, their faces gazing with that awful grinning leer.

But personally I see no reason why we can't re-use the Donald Trump costumes. Not when we're trying to save money for wine.

Did I mention the wine duty?

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Autocor-wrecked

Apologies for the terrible mix up last night over the "special" service. A dreadful autocorrect error on Denzyl's iPad when he created the rota.

Yesterday evening should have been Bible Sunday. Not Bublé Sunday.

We will be providing counselling.

Special Service for the Clocks Going Back

Archdruid: Peace be with you.

All: And until we meet again, may you be held in the palm of God's hand.

Archdruid: You what?

All: We couldn't sleep so we did without you.

Archdruid: OK. Well you lot push off. I'll stick and and take the service for the people who put their clocks forward instead.

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Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.