Monday, 14 July 2025
Sunday, 6 July 2025
When AI took over Wimbledon
There has been concern about poor line calls by computer at Wimbledon.
But they're barely trying at the moment.
Given the current levels of accuracy in AI, it's only so long before a tennis player receives a call of "offside". Or possibly "knock on", whatever that is (the Beaker Folk have never been in favour of the game invented by the Revd Webb-Ellis).
But what is sure is that Wimbledon is under real threat. What happens when their Artificial Intelligence Overlords decide to replace the ball-children with wombles? Wombles are notoriously efficient. But their habit of travelling overground and underground means the integrity of Centre Court is at risk.
And if AI truly takes over then the whole integrity of the history of Wimbledon is at risk. Who is to say that Vinnie Jones didn't win the men's singles in 1986? Who can put their hands on their hearts and say that Tim Henman didn't win the title ten years running? The entire record of this pointless, inexplicable sport, with a scoring system based around the quarter-hours on a clock, is at risk. When we're told that the points are 15, 30, Pi, and 19.45 - who will stand up for the truth versus the convenient lie?
(Image is Virginia Wade as "Girl with Dolphin". It's true that our Jubilee Grand Slam winner was once used as a nude model for a bronze on London's north bank.
Or is it? Maybe AI is just taking over our entire history.
Sunday, 29 June 2025
Rural Ministry Studies - Revised Exam
Two hours. Only use ChatGPT if you're truly desperate.
1) A congregation member has offered you a second-hand bookcase. Not because he's fly-tipping. He just thought it would be useful as he's recently ordered a nice one.
a) How loudly should you shout "no"? (to the nearest decibel)
b) What are you going to do with the three you already have?
2) You have squeezed in so many services on a Sunday, to ensure everyone gets one, that some are now scheduled to start before the previous one ends. Do you have a TARDIS? Or are you just struggling to please everyone?
3) If Bryan in Little Tipping hates Gervais in Pigwell Magna, and Felix in Chipping St Stephen hates Marjorie in Boswell St Jude - why do you keep sharing the Peace at benefice services? (bonus points for explaining why you have benefice services)
4) After driving 87 miles on a typical Sunday, you can hear squeaking. Is it you, or the car?
5) You're considering consolidating all your PCCs into one giant PCC. Have you also thought of therapy?
6) All these retired clergy who are apparently keeping the rural church going - have you ever met one? Or is it just me?
7) [Methodist ministers only] On a scale of 9 to 10 - how lonely are you?
8) [Anglican ministers only] Don't you wish Justin Welby had cared about rural churches as well? Please do not use swear words
9) Explain the latest exciting new strategy to reorganize pastoral care in your diocese / region / county in diagrammatic form. Try to use no more than 4 dimensions.
10) Regarding that exciting new strategy. How soon do you plan to move to a place with a less exciting new strategy?
11) Sir John's income is £4 million pounds per year. The average house in your area is worth £3 million pounds. 10% of the people in the village come to church. How are you struggling to replace a light bulb in the loo?
Saturday, 28 June 2025
Extravert / Introvert Church
Interesting experiment today, as we experimented with the way different worship styles appeal to different personality types.
Both services started at 11 am. I led the Introverts service in the gym. Some quiet background music, a short "thought" and everyone given some time for quiet reflection. All done by lunch.
The Extraverts are still going. Checking the CCTV recording I see that Hnaef started by asking if anyone had anything to share. They're currently onto the third hour of the Peace.
Friday, 27 June 2025
The Friday Night Prayer Gossip Meeting
Thursday, 26 June 2025
Release the Mythical Beasts
This is so embarrassing.
And I should have noticed.
Normally on the morning of the Summer Solstice we have problems with the mythical beasts. They try to follow the timetables, but they originated before British Summer Time. So they have a habit of turning up an hour late, thinking that BST is GMT. Or vice versa. Or something.
But this Summer Solstice, I locked Drayton Parslow in the Doily Shed for messing with my orders of service.
I just went to let him out. It's been five days, after all. And nobody's got a bladder that strong. And we needed to sell some doilies.
And found that the Woodwose, the Piper at the Gates of Dawn, and Hern the Hunter, had all followed me in for a laugh.
Do you have any idea how terrified a Fundamentalist Baptist gets, when locked in a shed for five days with three mythical creatures?
No. More than that.
He's run off screaming to his cottage. And while I realise that, in a very real sense, we are all to blame, I particularly think his wife, Marjory, has let him down. Surely she should have reported his absence by now.
Sunday, 22 June 2025
Liturgy for the Day After Summer Solstice
Archdruid: Nights are drawing in
All: Soon be Christmas.
Saturday, 21 June 2025
Summer Solstice Sunrise Celebration
Sunday, 15 June 2025
Fathering Sunday
I'd like to wish a happy and profound Fathering Sunday to all those that celebrate it. Fathering Sunday is the day on which all Beaker Folk try desperately not to offend anyone, which coincidentally managing to offend absolutely everyone as we thrash around trying to celebrate good fathers while remembering those with bad fathers, absent fathers, the Godfather, Father Christmas, and on this most Trinity of all Sundays, the Father, Mother and/or Genderfluid Parent of us all. Obviously we give it its traditional English name, not the modern commercial American ripoff name.
Burton Dasset didn't really help, to be honest. He's got caught up in some of kind of "muscular Christianity" thing - a relapse to his days at Public School, I think, though I did catch him watching American wrestling on the telly the other day. Or maybe he's got too inspired by Elon Mush. Or he's having a reaction to a career in stock accounting computer systems. But I found the following a slightly odd liturgy:
Burton: Who's the Daddy?
All: God!
Burton: Burton can't hear you! Who's the Daddy?
All: God!
They continue for hours
At least that was the planned liturgy. What actually happened was that, underwhelmed by a 7-stone weaking trying to prove his virility, the congregation went off to the Beaker Barista's for a freeform Cafe Church instead.
Next year, Fathering Sunday coincides with Summer Solstice. So we will make another futile attempt to ignore it. Burton's been told if he keeps up this weird macho business any longer, we're going to be looking into exorcism. He's too old for a midlife crisis, and too young to be going senile. So it's gonna be the strappy table and the Slazenger to beat the demons out.
Monday, 2 June 2025
Nativity of Thomas Hardy (1840)
Thursday, 22 May 2025
Unexpected Messages in Church Visitors' Books
1 June 1994 Norbert Dranesqueezer, Great Tremlett
Why do you have no Books of Common Prayer? The language is sublime. The theology truly Reformed. The whole of the Christian life can be found in one slim volume. And I like to steal one from every church I visit.
Was here for an hour and no sign of the vicar. Where is he?
There are bat droppings on the green cloth covering the altar.
Disappointing.
11 June 1996 Jenny Streetweiser, Chipping Corners
After much research, I found out my great-grandparents were married here in 1937. They don't seem to be here now - any ideas where they may have gone?
30 September 1997 Rick Roll, Saint Myrtle's Over-the-Hill
Dear God, having seen the beauty of your house, I feel I'm never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.
2 Feb 1998 Angelique Boggs, That London
Most disappointed in the medieval architecture. I feel they could have done better.
4 January 1999 Raynswold Grimley, Great Tremlett
If this is God's house why doesn't he do it up a bit? It's not like he doesn't have the staff.
1 January 2000 Grayson Drapely, Wyre Drivel
I was struck by the joyful message on your "Wayside Pulpit."
What do you mean, "Happy Millennium"? Do you imagine our Lord was born in 0 AD? Heathens.
14 October 2001 Norbert Dranesqueezer, Great Tremlett
Still no BCP? The Alternative Service Book has been consigned to where it belongs. I thought you would have improved.
28 June 2002 Melissa Sparrow (Mrs), Grilsby-on-the-Hill
What a beautiful church! I have been inspired to poetry:
The village churchyard, all serene
Where sleeping mounds of grass so green
Lay over those who've no more breath
They rest there in the sleep of death
Death death death
Death death death
Death death death
11 November 2003 Selina Tryclops, Gibbering in-the-Meadow
Anglo-Saxon architecture is so brutal. Yet there is such beauty in its simplicity. Shame yours is all Norman, but you can't have everything.
29 February 2004 Lavinia de Strangler, Bleakly on-the-Moor
If you were wondering where the lectern is, I've got it.
Damn. I've given myself away again, haven't I?
Billy Bumbreath
Bums!!!!!!! Hahahahahaha
11 June 2008 Rod Pole, Flapping on-the-Hill
Quiet round here, isn't it? You could avoid the police for weeks.
PS stay out of the crypt, if you know what's good for you.
8 April 2011 DCI Tom Barnaby. Causton, Midsomer
Called but you were out. Please could you drop in to the station when you get a minute? Nasty affair at "Black Gibbet".
25 December 2013 Magnus Grebe, Sagging Baddley
It's 4pm on Christmas Day. I see that there's a benefice service on Sunday at Blooms Green. Which means there's nobody gonna be around for 10 days. And I've found where you hide the Communion wine. Not a bad drop.
Happy Christmas!
31 December 2013 Magnus Grebe, Sagging Baddley
How was I to know you'd lock up on Christmas afternoon and not come back?
The door to the ringing tower is locked so I can't raise the alarm.
I've tried shouting, but it's half a mile to the village.
There's no phone signal - and my phone ran out 4 days ago.
And I've eaten all the hassocks.
If you read this too late, I'd just like to say - you swines.
2 March 2015 DCI John Barnaby, Causton, Midsomer
Called but you weren't here inexplicably moving the hymn books around.
Please can you call in at the station?
Terrible business at "Hanging Nook".
11 June 2017 Jeb Gray-Vdigger, Little Tremlett
So grateful that you leave this beautiful building open.
It's so good to be able to sit and meditate in a wonderful church in silence.
So I've shot all the crows in the churchyard. Noisy beggars.
1 February 2020 Marie Innhaste, Little Stickleback
Just finished having a lovely meeting with Revd Rachel, planning for the wedding in April. It's going to be so lovely.
I'm so excited. What could possibly go wrong?
1 May 2024 Eric Derek,Polling Boothby
The Spiders.
The Spiders.
The SPIDERS.
THE SPIDERS.
Left 5p in the wall safe. You deserve it for keeping this lovely building open.