Fresh Expressions of Lurch

Cafe Lurch

Cell Lurch

Messy Lurch

Lurches Together

Hail the Hero

It seemed such a nice day when we went out to celebrate Dancing in the May Sunshine Day.

Twenty minutes in, and we had been soaked with rain, battered by hail, and terrified by one almighty clap of thunder.

I know I normally have only contempt and loathing for him, but on this occasion I have to commend Marston. It can't have been much fun for a bloke that bald, dancing in the hail. But he stuck at it. His head is still covered with small red spots where the hailstones landed. Still, how happy are those who get battered with hail in search of righteousness. Or something

Road Tax - a Clarification

Dear Readers, I notice that Hnaef has recovered from Sundays' hangover. At least to the extent that, on reading Eileen's comments on cyclists, he noticed that she referred to "road tax". In order not to strain his eyes on an laptop screen for another day or two, I agreed to issue this clarification.

There is no such thing as "road tax". There is Vehicle Excise Duty. This is a tax levied on car-owners to compensate the rest of the country for the pain of having to look at their ghastly vehicles, and endure the damage to the environment that the creation of their personal manhood-extension-substitutes / oversized baby-buggies has caused. We charge more tax based on car emissions because bigger cars do more damage - not because they use more road, and the tax is proportional to the road used.

If the argument that car owners pay "road tax" had any meaning to it, we would have to ban all pedestrians from the pavements on the grounds that they have paid no "pavement tax". Indeed, if the idea of "road tax" had any mileage at all (ho ho), then the only people allowed on the pavements would be motorists, as they could argue that the road tax might also pay for the pavements (which are, after all, down the sides of the roads).

For my American readers, I should explain that pavements in England are what you call sidewalks.Cycles are like motor-bikes, but without motors.

The Rules on Hard and Soft Gs

The creator of the GIF image file format has said that it should be pronounced with a soft "g", as in "gym". Presumably he thinks it's for jraphic files? Jreat jormless joon. Still, he was bright enough to invent the jif format, so it would be wrong to call him a gerk.

Devils on 2 Wheels

Cyclists are back in the news again.

People wonder why it is that drivers get so angry with cyclists. Aren't the answers obvious?

• They blatantly jump red lights on their machines. While normal people (ie motorists) are forced to accelerate towards traffic lights, in the hope that the amber won't go red before we get there. Of course, when we do get there, and they do turn red, we're going too fast to stop safely - and therefore we're completely justified  (and completely legal) in going through them. Not like cyclists.
• They ride on the pavements. Obviously, law-abiding motorists never go on pavements. Except with only half our wheels, when we're pressed for somewhere to park. Personally I'm always very careful when parking on the pavement. I try to ensure that, should a parent with a buggy or a person in a wheelchair be forced to go on the road to get round my car, I'm parked so far onto the pavement that I leave a decent wide view down the road. That way they can see if there's any oncoming traffic.
• Should a cyclist jump a red light, or ride on the pavement, and hit a pedestrian - they'll only get a bit of a telling off for causing a few bruises. Whereas if I did the same thing, I'd be at risk of getting a charge of causing death by dangerous driving. That's just not equitable.
• I paid £30K for my car. And if I try and drive it through London, not only do I pay the congestion charge, but I spend a lot of time in traffic jams. Whereas any fool can buy a £200 bike and get through London twice as quickly as me, for free. Whose idea of justice is that?
• They wobble. Which means that, even if I leave them a good one or two feet of space when passing them, I'm at risk of their handlebars scratching my paintwork.
• Some of them don't wear helmets. Then, when they bang their heads on my windscreen, somehow that's my fault.
• Have you ever driven behind a middle-aged, lycra-clad, male cyclist? I have. For hours once. Couldn't take my eye off it. I mean, him.
• They don't pay any road tax. Which is based on emissions. Which means I get hammered for it. That's  surely not right.
• They shout "hello" to each other when they pass other cyclists. It clearly states in the Highway Code that we should treat all over road-users as psychopathic numpties. So why do they act like they have things in common with each other? They are clearly communists.
• They have no reverse gear.
• They're generally younger, better-shaped, and fitter than I am. At least, they are before they make contact with my car.