Sunday, 10 August 2025

Citizens of Somewhere Else

 "But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one." (Heb 11:16a)

Here's an odd thing. Or several odd things. Those people who dislike people of other religions or nationalities than themselves. They quite often call themselves "Christian". Or "Cultural Christians". Or "Judeo-Christian" has become quite popular these days. But they criticise other people - people originating from other countries, or of different colours, or, quite often, Muslims - by saying they don't have their primary allegiance to this country. 

Norman Tebbit recently died. He showed remarkable resilience and courage when his wife was terribly injured in the 1984 attack on the Grand Hotel in Brighton. But, being a man of snappy phrases, he's probably mostly remembered for his comment that those who needed work should get on their bikes, and also for his "cricket test". He said if people didn't support England at cricket, they weren't sufficiently British. I think there are probably Scottish people who wouldn't think much of that, quite apart from anything else.

Many years later, he said the "cricket test" wasn't needed any more. But still it sticks. What happens if we apply it to Heaven? 

Imagine a field. In the mid to late 1st Century.  Somewhere in the Celtic town, now colonised by the Romans, of Londinium. A field called "Dominorum". A Brythonic warrior is bowling the head of a fallen enemy at a doughty native of Lactodorum, from the not-yet-county of Northamptonshire. And, in a scene that will recur for the next two millennia, the Northants team's middle order collapses. If the Cockney Celt bowler hits the stumps three times in succession, he gets a hat to put on the head of his "ball" when he gets home. But we have no idea what they called it when that happened.

But the author to the Hebrews had never heard of cricket. He was a long way from that far-off patch of Empire. The idea of rain stopping play - rain generally being a blessing in the Med - would not hold the terror (or, at least, mild frustration) it does on the western fringes of the Eurasian continent. 

But still, he (or she) spelt it out. If there was a game of cricket between England and Heaven - and why not, because in Heaven "all in white shall wait around" - then English Christians should be supporting Heaven. They have another country. Another city. (Obviously, if England did play Heaven at cricket, King David would constantly be no-balled for slinging.)

Abram set out from Ur. But if we consider Abram's faith in the light of what it says in Genesis - he's not the faith super-hero he often gets depicted as.  He hasn't boldly gone into the unknown on his own, leaving his birthplace.  He actually left with his dad, who took him from Ur to Harran. Abram only  left Harran under his own steam. But Abram carried on and became the example of the faithful of all times, because he was heading for the New Jerusalem. 

Not the Jerusalem of the time. That was ruled by a Jebusite priest-king called Melchizedek, and was actually just three cottages and an outside loo. And not even the Jerusalem that David built, or that Herod re-embellished with a new Temple it didn't actually need. All those Jerusalems were provisional, temporary. And certainly not the current one, which rains down death from the skies on its enemies. That one, too, will pass.

Abram was looking for a new Jerusalem. A place of peace where there is no war, no sickness, and the presence of God is as real as it was in the dark when the torch passed through his sacrifice in the Valley of Shaveh. His heavenly Father's home. Not Ur, the place where his earthly parents came from. Not Harran, where his earthly father had remained. He roamed across the known world. He was a stranger in the land he was promised. But he did it because he was looking for somewhere else. He wasn't a citizen of Ur, of Harran, or even of his Promised Land. He was a citizen of Somewhere Else.

And that's who you are, when you become a follower of the God of Abraham. You are a citizen of Somewhere Else. A country whose priorities aren't defence and immigration and building new railways - but peace and love for everybody. You can give thanks for this world. Care for it and all the people made in God's image. Work to make it a better place. But you know it's temporary. You are a citizen of Somewhere Else. You want to be home - in the place where the God who made you knows you. You want to be with him, and like him. And that longing to be with God, and that knowing you belong somewhere else - that you are called for more, because Jesus came to find you, and meets you in his death- that's faith.

You are a citizen of Somewhere Else.

Saturday, 9 August 2025

Nun the Wiser

I'd like to apologise to Sister Distributia, our visiting speaker last night.

It turns out that she is a leading member of a discalced order. That is, they don't wear shoes.

She is not the prioress of a disgraced order. 

Easy mistake to make.

Friday, 8 August 2025

Guide to Accepting Second Hand "Gifts" In Church

 You know how it is. 

Mabel has just bought herself an exciting new toaster/set of dining chairs/kettle/vacuum cleaner. And she's wondering what to do with the old one. Which was old enough that she needed a new one. But not so old that she really wants to throw it away. Or, indeed, arrange for the council to collect it.

But then she remembers that what the church really needs is a second hand toaster/set of dining chairs/kettle/vacuum cleaner! And comes to you as pastor/vicar/minister/steward/churchwarden to ask if you would like the second hand item as a gift.

The first thing you should do is remember that, if it's electrical, it will be out of warranty. And the cost and effort of disposal when it breaks in the first week will be yours.

The second thing you should do is remind Mabel of Malachi 1:8. And suggest that, if Mabel thinks the church needs a toaster/set of dining chairs/kettle/vacuum cleaner, she could keep the old one and give the new one.

But that may sound like too much scripture to be quoting - and, let's face it, as liberal Anglican that is a lot, a whole verse. While for some evangelicals it's a bit suss quoting the Hebrew Scriptures/Old Testament like that. So you may find a use for this helpful flowchart.




A flowchart giving examples of various items, all of which you should refuse to accept. And the advice that, if they appear anyway, you should burn them

Friday, 1 August 2025

Liturgy for Yorkshire Day

The Greeting

Archdruid: Peace be with you.

All: And with tha spirit.

Archdruid: where hast tha been since I saw thee?

All: On Ilkla Moor baht 'at.

Archdruid: Today we celebrate all the things that make the Yorkshire character great.

All: Misery, resentment, and rhubarb?

Archdruid: I was actually thinking of doggedness, determination...

All: And rhubarb?

Archdruid: Oh ay, rhubarb. And we remember those great moments in Yorkshire history... Those great Yorkshire folk like Richard III...

All: Born in Northamptonshire.

Archdruid: Peter Sallis?

All: Born in London.

Archdruid: And Sean Bean.

All: Oh yeah. Sean Bean. His nephew's got a chip shop in Sheffield.

Archdruid: Gradely. I did offer him a part in our "Passion Play", but he guessed he'd be playing Judas.

All: Can we push the Oldest Man downhill in a bathtub now?

Oldest Man: No!

Archdruid: Oh, ay.

The Oldest Man is pushed downhill in a bathtub. Terrifying assorted badgers, Hern the Hunter, and an adulterous couple out for an "innocent bike ride". Old women in pinnies and headscarves make a guard of honour, sticks of rhubarb aloft.

The Dismissal 

All:  Ear all, see all, say nowt; Eat all, sup all, pay nowt; And if ivver tha does owt fer nowt – Allus do it fer thissen.







Sunday, 27 July 2025

Liturgy for a Bishop Closing Down a Choir Concert

Based on these curious events 


Hymn: "I'm gonna make you love me"

Bishop of Fulham: Oh no, you're not.

Audience: Oh - is it panto?

Bishop: Can you stop this racket?

Audience: Who are you? And why are you in a dressing gown?

Bishop: I'm the Bishop of Fulham.

All: It's what you do.

Bishop: The night is over.

All: And the day lies open before us.

Bishop: No, that's the door out that lies open before you. You know what to do.

A Small Child may ask: 

Small Child: But why do you have no shoes?

Bishop: I don't need shoes.

Small Child: Why not?

Bishop: Because I'm a flying bishop.

Drummer: Boom-tish

Bishop: I'm here all week. Which is more than you are. Get out.

Recessional: Dancing Queen


With thanks to Alice Goodman for the tip-off and "it's what I do" joke





Wednesday, 23 July 2025

Archdruid Eileen's Sermon on AI

 There appears to be a sudden upsurge in people asking whether Artificial Intelligence can be used to generate sermons. Apparently, this is what all the tired clergy-dudes are doing when they don't have the time to write sermons because they're too busy doing the jobs of circuit stewards, or they have no church wardens. 

And I admit. I have used AI on occasion to write a sermon. But you can count the number of times on the fingers of one hand: 

  • The  sermon on 1 Corinthians 13, which was awesome in its generic nature. Quite correct, but deeply unoriginal.
  • The sermon on Psalm 137:9 - where it refused to condone violence
  • The other sermon on Psalm 137:9 - where it wholeheartedly endorsed genocide (I think they'd tweaked a setting)
  • The sermon on John 3:16 - where it told me it was not allowed to comment on Biblical texts.
  • The sermon on the Sermon on the Mount and the Sermon on the Plain. Where it told me that high church people prefer the former, and low church people the latter.
  • The sermon on Ecclesiastes, where it became really sad and refused to tell me what it really thought.
  • The sermon on Revelation, where it just span off and started shouting "kill kill kill". 
So on the whole, a mixed result. I would say that the best thing to do with AI sermons, is not.

Tuesday, 22 July 2025

Commemoration of Ozzy Osbourne (1948-2025)

 Tomorrow's amended programme is as follows:


10 am - Being hung upside down by Don Arden's heavies (not sexy slang)

1 pm- Biting the heads off bats

4 pm - Being paranoid

7 pm - Just generally swearing in a vaguely Brummie kind of Way

10 pm - Howling at the Moon 

Sunday, 6 July 2025

When AI took over Wimbledon

"Girl with Dolphin". A woman dancing with a dolphin, cast as a bronze statue

There has been concern about poor line calls by computer at Wimbledon. 

But they're barely trying at the moment.

Given the current levels of accuracy in AI, it's only so long before a tennis player receives a call of "offside". Or possibly "knock on", whatever that is (the Beaker Folk have never been in favour of  the game invented by the Revd Webb-Ellis). 

But what is sure is that Wimbledon is under real threat. What happens when their Artificial Intelligence Overlords decide to replace the ball-children with wombles? Wombles are notoriously efficient. But their habit of travelling overground and underground means the integrity of Centre Court is at risk.

And if AI truly takes over then the whole integrity of the history of Wimbledon is at risk. Who is to say that Vinnie Jones didn't win the men's singles in 1986? Who can put their hands on their hearts and say that Tim Henman didn't win the title ten years running? The entire record of this pointless, inexplicable sport, with a scoring system based around the quarter-hours on a clock, is at risk. When we're told that the points are 15, 30, Pi, and 19.45 - who will stand up for the truth versus the convenient lie?

(Image is Virginia Wade as "Girl with Dolphin". It's true that our Jubilee Grand Slam winner was once used as a nude model for a bronze on London's north bank.

Or is it? Maybe AI is just taking over our entire history.

Sunday, 29 June 2025

Rural Ministry Studies - Revised Exam

 Two hours. Only use ChatGPT if you're truly desperate.


1) A congregation member has offered you a second-hand bookcase. Not because he's fly-tipping. He just thought it would be useful as he's recently ordered a nice one.

a) How loudly should you shout "no"? (to the nearest decibel)

b) What are you going to do with the three you already have?


2)  You have squeezed in so many services on a Sunday, to ensure everyone gets one, that some are now scheduled to start before the previous one ends. Do you have a TARDIS? Or are you just struggling to please everyone?


3) If Bryan in Little Tipping hates Gervais in Pigwell Magna, and Felix in Chipping St Stephen hates Marjorie in Boswell St Jude - why do you keep sharing the Peace at benefice services?  (bonus points for explaining why you have benefice services)


4) After driving 87 miles on a typical Sunday, you can hear squeaking. Is it you, or the car?


5) You're considering consolidating all your PCCs into one giant PCC. Have you also thought of therapy?


6) All these retired clergy who are apparently keeping the rural church going - have you ever met one? Or is it just me?


7) [Methodist ministers only] On a scale of 9 to 10 - how lonely are you?


8) [Anglican ministers only]  Don't you wish Justin Welby had cared about rural churches as well? Please do not use swear words


9) Explain the latest exciting new strategy to reorganize pastoral care in your diocese / region / county in diagrammatic form. Try to use no more than 4 dimensions.


10) Regarding that exciting new strategy. How soon do you plan to move to a place with a less exciting new strategy?


11) Sir John's income is £4 million pounds per year. The average house in your area is worth £3 million pounds. 10% of the people in the village come to church. How are you struggling to replace a light bulb in the loo?

Saturday, 28 June 2025

Extravert / Introvert Church

 Interesting experiment today, as we experimented with the way different worship styles appeal to different personality types. 

Both services started at 11 am. I led the Introverts service in the gym. Some quiet background music, a short "thought" and everyone given some time for quiet reflection. All done by lunch.

The Extraverts are still going. Checking the CCTV recording I see that Hnaef started by asking if anyone had anything to share.  They're currently onto the third hour of the Peace.