Hitchin a Ride

The so-called "Archdruid" who lives next door to me claims to be an expert on Dunstable. Before I set off this morning to bring the True Light to those who live in the darkness of the shadow of the Vale of Aylesbury, she told me that Dunstable is a place more associated with the Protestant Faith than most. At least, she says that due to the divorce there of Henry VIII at the Abbey (which he rewarded by dissolving), the Dunstablians are closely associated with the English Reformation. They have traditions that Oliver Cromwell's soldiers shot bullets at the church doors. The Methodist Church dwarfs the Church of England equivalent. And in the 80s it was the home of the New Covenant Church - now reduced, she believes, to renting time from the Methodists while their old home has reverted to being the West Street Baptists. But in its day, the New Covenant Church was a true beacon of the Protestant, Charismatic, Baptist faith.

And so one might have thought that the people of Dunstable are ready for one more in a stream of the holy homecomings that have clearly marked their history. But it seems not. Instead, the inhabitants cling to one of the other local  traditions.

In her more mellow moments, the Archdruid talks of the old Luton tradition whereby people suffer a moderate form of kidnapping. In  short, they used to grab their unsuspecting victim, thrown them in a car and throw them out a little later in Hitchin. "The long winter nights used to fly past", in Eileen's words.

But I never dreamed that this was how I would have to suffer for my faith. Imagine the scene  outside a boarded-up shop in the Quadrant, as the people of Dunstable call their shopping centre.

"Friends, I bring the words that can save you from Perdition!" I shouted.

"What petition's that, then?" asked a local, "is it to get rid of the bus lane in Church Street?"

I explained that Perdition was a state of endless torment in a joyless, dark, half-alive state. They said they would not sign a petition in favour of that, and said that to avoid things like that they voted Tory.

Changing my tack - for I am all things to all men - I moved straight to the Good News "Your iniquities are expunged!" I cried. "Righteousness imputeth he unto you, like unto the oil that runneth down the beard of Aaron."

A young listener was asking if she could have subtitles, when a group of large men in hoodies appeared. I was dragged down the ramp, shouting that "His intercessions are sufficient for your sanctification." I was bundled into a car, and spent half an hour with a couple of the ruffians sitting on my chest until I was thrown out in Hitchin.

The Baptibus was in Dunstable. I never travel on my evangelistic pilgrimages with money, in strict accordance with Matt 10:9-10. In that passage the Lord did not forbid us the use of mobile phones, of course. But when I called people to come unto my aid, my deacons were at work. Meanwhile Kylie and Kayleigh said they were "working on a tricky diminished chord", while Marjory was watching something that appears to have been called "Jeremy Kyle", and apparently had to wait for the results of a DNA test. Few seem to stop for hitch-hikers these days, and I found myself struggling in a fearful state up the A505. As a women's football team went past in their club minibus, one of them seemed to think it was amusing to throw a bowl of orange peel over me. Such is the result of allowing women to play at such unwomanly activities.

Eventually I was picked up by a couple who turned out to belong to a strange religious cult, and spent the rest of the journey to Luton trying to convert me to believing that Eric Clapton was God. After a four mile walk from Luton to Dunstable, I returned to the car to discover that the operators of the Farm Foods car park had issued me with a parking ticket for overstaying my journey. The irony was that I was parked just outside the little Baptist book shop. Truly, today I have cried out to God from the pit of despair.

It is of course our aim to emulate the great heroes of the faith. But on this occasion I could not help feeling that Paul had things easy in Ephesus. Dunstablians, as Eileen remarked during this morning's conversation, are a tough crowd.

Gospel Friday

Today is a day of decision. A day of changing lives.

Today is a day of history. A day of a new dawn.

For today I am going once again to spread the Good News to the people of Dunstable.

I shall be more careful in the message I spread there this time, as the Spirit wills. Last time I preached at the Eleanor Cross (which I expected be a carefully-preserved monument, but turned out to be a shopping centre). I told those Dunstablians who would listen that there was A Better Place. But they all thought I meant Caddington.

The (small-"g") good news, however, is that the people of Dunstable understand the concept of eternity - as they told me that was how long they had been waiting for somebody to reinstate their train line.

Margaret Moves

Formerly the proprietor of a blog with all sorts of names including Cats and Pomegranates, Margaret is now blogging at Margaritki. A lovely-looking new Wordpress blog, with additional excellent photos from Margaret.

Collapse of White Cliffs of Dover "Not Due to Global Warming"

In a shocking turn of events, the BBC today did not associate a dramatic environmental incident with climate change.

A large chunk of the White Cliffs of Dover have fallen down. The BBC suggests this may be due to "freezing conditions over the winter". It's been cold, so a chunk of cliff fell down - in strict correspondence with the "freeze-thaw" mechanism we were all shown at school. Pumping CO2 into the air had nothing to do with this, apparently. The sub-tropical conditions we were forecast for the last three years had absolutely no impact, what with them not happening.

BBC, you're missing a trick. We're in a drought, for goodness sake. Surely the cliffs have collapsed due to dehydration - and therefore it's climate change?

There is good news, though. If you look at the picture of the fallen cliff, there's another one right behind where the old one fell down. I guess cliffs must be like shark's teeth?

Beware the Odes of March

The Ides of March


Julius Caesar
must have been an East-end geezer.
Cos every year he went
and took a holiday in Kent.


On Liturgy


A tea light brightens up the church
Pebbles won't leave you in the lurch.
But if to read God's Words you dare,
You're better off with Morning Prayer.

On Ecclesiastical Ambition

To become a cardinal
is rather hard 'n' all
Being a vicar
Is much, much quicker.

David Croft

The better works of David Croft
are on the television oft.
But it's hard to savour
"Grace and Favour".

Live-blogging Chelsea

Interesting to watch De Matteo's brave substitution earlier. Three subs on at once. he brought on Fernando Torres, a barn door and a banjo.

Lent Link Love

MadPriest brings out a new monthly liturgical resource.

Emma at LLM Calling continues to count her blessings.

Filey Parish does a reverse Britannica by printing off blog-posts for public reading.

E-church blog has a few good links. Also some comments on the funerals with no-one attending. An increasing sign of a society where people don't have kids because they want it all? A sad comment on the breakdown of modern family life? A signal that everyone is too busy? We don't know, because Stuart just leaves us to draw our own conclusions.

The Starkadders decide they can see signs of the end, then change their mind.

Stroppy Rabbit - on the Pagan attitude to same-sex marriage (they're in favour) and the legal ramifications (none whatsoever, as Pagans aren't licensed to conduct different-sex marriages either).

And in a parallel universe, Gurdur on the amazing news that in Alabama, they still don't like different-race marriages. Presumably they don't like different-sex ones either. (Is there a better term than "different sex"? It makes the whole thing a whole lot more exciting sounding than some might want it to).

Dave Walker launches his new website. The one with, erm, not much on it...

Political Correctness Gone Mad

Most Beaker Folk didn't take a 10 ton sarsen stone to work yesterday, despite my Strongly Worded Instruction. I will therefore have to apply my strongest possible sanction - the Rent Rise. This is of course strictly voluntary. Very strictly voluntary.

I'm giving dispensation to Ardwig, however. She did take her sarsen to work, but her manager immediately told her to remove it. He said it was Health and Safety, but there was absolutely no H+S issue. How could there be? Her delivery van was going nowhere with that sarsen in it - no danger to anyone at all.

No, I suspect what we have here is a case of Political Correctness Gone Mad. We Beaker Folk are being persecuted in case the Corded Ware Folk also start demanding to bring their religious symbols to work. Mind you, this being the severed heads of their enemies, I could understand it.

Ardwig is going in to work today with a very tasteful sarsen lapel pin. Let's see White Van People Ltd try to ban that - the fascists.

Eat Nuts, Live Forever

I believe that Anonymous is one of Archdruid Eileen's more regular followers. He or she is always commenting on a range of topics on this blog, although she or he does appear to have a wide range of experience and views - surprising in one person. Perhaps Anonymous is a Renaissance Man or Woman?


But I am indebted to Anonymous for drawing my attention to the Sky reporting of the Red Meat Increases your Chance of Death story. Taking a wild Google of the contents - for my life is nothing if not lived on the edge - I found a similar story with ITV News - and a much better reporting of the details from the Guardian.

Let us compare the passages. First the sober, considered, wise words of the Guardian:

"The findings show that each extra daily serving of processed red meat – equivalent to one hot dog or two rashers of bacon – raised mortality rate by a fifth.Conversely, replacing red meat with fish, poultry, or plant-based protein foods contributed to a longer life. Nuts were said to reduce mortality rate by 20%, making a case for swapping roast beef for nut roast."

And now the wild-eyed ravings of ITV:

"Each additional daily serving of processed red meat, equivalent to one hot-dog or two rashers of bacon, raised the chances of dying by a fifth.
Conversely, replacing red meat with fish, poultry, or plant-based protein foods contributed to a longer life.
Nuts were said to reduce the risk of dying by 20% - making a case for swapping roast beef for nut roast."

As Anonymous points out, the implication if I were to take ITV seriously would be that if one ate nuts five times a week, one would be immortal - unless it were a compound reduction, in which case one's chance of dying would still be less than 50%.

And to turn Anonymous's argument on its head, if I ate two rashers of bacon a day, I would be dead by Friday night.

The problem with science reporting, it seems to me, is that reporters do not do it very well. Although the Guardian recognised it is the rate of death, rather than death itself, that is being measured - it still does not help a lot. We could do with the time factor. Is that an increase of a fifth over a day, a year or a century? If a century, given one's chances of dying are all but 100% anyway, then eating bacon every day of the week gives you more or less a 200% chance of dying. You might think that worth the risk.


But I have to conclude that somewhere in there may be a grain of truth regarding vegetables being healthier than red meat. After all, it was a godsend for Daniel.  I shall in future eat a diet of vegetables only. It may make me pale, skinny, uninteresting and a martyr to wind - but at least I shall live forever.

Wearing a Cross to Work

I was musing on the great Wearing A Cross to Work controversy, if it could be called that. Overall I'm not convinced there is much persecution of Christians, in any real sense, in this country. But clearly there will - normally in the public or formerly-privatised sector - be a certain number of would-be Stalinist numpties who hate all religion, but are scared of taking on the great non-Christian religions in case they end up at a tribunal. Or neo-paganism because they're a bit worried about the concept of a "witch" and are scared they could end up as toads. And they would pick up on Methodists first, in all likelihood, as all that would happen is strong words at the Ladies' Bright Hour.

Other, more enlightened, employers would recognise that it takes all sorts to make a world, rejoice in diversity and let people wear sensible symbols of their faith, as long as they're not ten-foot wooden crosses, double-edged swords or the most recent sacrifice.

I would suggest a couple of ways round this - you may just disagree with me, in which case no harm done. The first comes from an examination of the modern Christian attitude to the Old Testament. This divides the Old Testament laws and regulations into three sections - the Ten Commandments, the Rest, and Anything to do with Sex. As we know, the Ten Commandments and Anything to do with Sex are immutable laws which will never be repealed (apart from that bit about men having to marry their dead brothers' widows) and the rest no longer applies since Easter.

So in theory I see no reason why a discreet cross or crucifix should not be worn in the form of a tattoo - a henna one, if you don't like the idea of it being permanent and suspect you may one day become a Zoroastrian. In this modern age employers tolerate the odd discrete tattoo, and they can be covered up with long sleeves or, in some cases, a balaclava. Obviously you'd not want to go getting yourself tattooed with the whole of 1 Corinthians 13 - it would cost a fortune and it'll only go all wrinkly in later years and the calligraphy will be wasted.

However I realise that some employers might still get sniffy. And I recognise the argument that some employers make that, for example, wearing a cross is adornment or a personal statement, not a religious obligation. And some extreme Protestants used to see the wearing of a cross itself to be idolatry, of course. And so I am going to issue the Beaker People's most binding commandment - a Very Firm Suggestion.

From now on, all Beaker People must take to work with them a 10 ton sarsen megalith. This is a crucial part of their faith. All the communities of the Beaker Folk have this belief. As of now.

We'll see them in court.