Labour's First Family wonder how to work together

Look, I'm sure this is just me. After all, he'd have to dye his hair and change his suit and everything.

Meep is the Word

We've caught on late to the students getting banned from using the word "meep".  But the Beaker Way is to stand alongside those being persecuted, provided we don't end up getting persecuted as well.  Especially when the bone of contention is one whose name, and to some extent nature, we share.


Introit: Meep ye first

Archdruid: The Meep be with you
All: And also with Meep.


Chorus: Meepness and Majesty


The Reading of the Law

Archdruid: Thou shalt not kermit adultery.
All:           We shalt not kermit our neighbour's ass, or his Piggy, or his Animals.


The Meep-attitudes

Archdruid: Blessed are the Meep
All: For they will inherit the beakers.

Archdruid: Blessed are those that make meaningless sounds.
All: For they will blow themselves up in unlikely experiments.

Archdruid: What will it benefit a muppet if he gain the world
All: And yet loses his meep?

Archdruid: Better for a man that he enter the kingdom of Muppets without his meep
All: Than to have his meep and yet be thrown into Balamory.

Archdruid: For the Sesame Street is narrow and the way hard that meeps to the Kingdom of Muppets.
All: But the way is wide and the Zoo Lane easy that leads unto Telly-Tubby Land.


Reading: We will not meep, but we will all be changed.

Dismissal

Archdruid: Go, and meep no more.

Recessional Hymn: Gentle Beaker, Meep and Mild.

The Beaker Course

We're putting out a poster campaign to advertise the new "Beaker Course".  This is an exciting new development in Beaker mission.  We get nice, middle class people together, give them a good lunch, and then it's up to them what they believe - we won't judge.  We just like people to feel good, and ideally make a donation.

The Beaker Bible

Now that the world's not ending after all, and it's worth carrying on with the process, I'm excited to announce the work-in-progress that is the "Beaker Bible".

We here at the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley have always been dedicated to the pursuit of inter-faith dialogue.  But at the same time we have suffered from the tendency of the Bible, a noteworthy and uplifting book in many ways, to descend into genocide, rough justice and religious exclusivity at the least expected moments.  We are therefore busily engaged in getting the Bible up-to-date, in the way that God would appreciate now (s)he has had another couple of thousand years' experience of how the world works.

Highlights include:

Genesis

After the unfortunate "flashing" incident, Ham is given counselling, while Noah has to sign the sex offenders register.

When asked to sacrifice Isaac, Abraham responds "No way, Guv.  You're right out of order."  And having agreed that an alternative animal sacrifice is out, they roast a butternut squash.

Lot is taken into custody by Gomorrah social services, while his daughters are given council houses.

Numbers

Returning from the Promised Land bearing a cluster of grapes (for which they have paid a fair-trade price), Caleb and Joshua persuade Moses that the best way forward is some kind of two-state solution.

Esther

Having seen the error of his ways, Haman returns to the Government as Home Secretary.

Matthew

It is made explicitly clear that the so-called "Three Kings" were in fact "An unspecified number of Wise Persons, of varied ethnicity, gender and sexuality". 

Matthew remains a tax collector - a responsible job and vital to society, without which no redistributive economic policy could ever work.

Mark

Instead of being healed, Legion is awarded a grant to start a career in street theatre.  The pigs are left to graze safely.

Luke

The Shrewd Manager gets 5 years for fraud, while the Servant who buried his talent is praised for resisting the temptations of the bonus culture.

John

14:6 - "No-one comes to the Father except through me, or certain acceptable alternatives"

Revelation

War in Heaven ceases after the Dragon signs an Antisocial Behaviour Agreement.

Everybody gets into the City at the end, after the camp for "the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars" gets knocked down by the Immigration department.  They are granted asylum on the grounds that if they are deported they will be thrown into a lake of burning sulphur.

Blue Moon

Sadly Wednesday night's moonrise was a damp squib. The skies over Husborne Crawley were heavy and overcast, and a light drizzle fell as we stood waiting for Hnaef's electronic Druidic Moon and Sun rise Forecasting Clock, Eclipse Predictor and Personal Organiser to beep to indicate the precise moment of moonrise.

We stood there for a few hours, gradually getting colder, until Hnaef realised it had stopped. At this point we pushed him off the platform and headed into the Great Hall.

Last night, by contrest, was a beutaiful event. The moon looked like a giant Pringle as it rose over Aspley Heath. But, to be honest - it was a bit samey? I mean, the precise point and time of moonrise may change from day to day and season to season, but - do we really care? I was going to ask the Archdruid if she ever felt like this, but my new friend Drayton Parslow suggested it might be best to let it drop. Besides, last night was the last Moon Watchnight of the Lunar Month.

This morning's early strat - 3.30 am - was a bit of a shock, particularly since Moanwatch had only finished a couple of hours earlier. However, we stood and watched the Solsticial Sun as it rose. Due to the timing issues that the Archdruid has mentioned previously, we're going to have to do it all again tomorrow morning. Not to mention lighting the Solstice Flame at one minute to 1am first.

I was hopping to get a bit of slepe today, to be honest, but as it turns out I've been assigned to Doily Duty again. Just another 6 hours of banging the holes out of doilies, and then it'll be time for "Emptying out of Beakers".

Feleing quiet tried nwo, actullay. I've notced once or twice I've mdea hte odd spilling mistake. But not too many, I hape.