21 Things to do with an Unwanted Church Piano

Burton Dasset is currently away on a mountain-climbing tour of the Lincolnshire Fens. But it's nice to know he remembers me. He's sent back this advert he saw in a local church, having remembered our post last week about refusing unwanted gifts. But I've removed the contact details. Otherwise you'd be flooding the inbox of the vicar, trying to take advantage of this offer. Admit it, you would.

An old church piano that needs a repair. There's a backstory of course to this plague of pianos needing a good home. And it goes back to round about the 1950s.

In that brave post-war world, with a little more money, many aspiring working class families decided that little Tommy needed to acquire a bit of culture. So an upright piano was purchased - probably on Hire Purchase - lessons procured, and the next thing you knew young Tommy, with a repertoire of "Chopsticks" and "Strangers in the Night", had grown up and moved out, leaving the piano behind.

Then as time went by, mum and dad downsized from their three bed council semi to a bungalow. The piano had to go. But conveniently mum was in the church quire. And one day, during a vacancy, the piano appeared in the vestry.

Where it's been ever since. All over the country. Hundreds and thousands of them, their off-white teeth grinning at whoever lifts the lid for a quiet nostalgic tinkle of the keys. And thousands of church ministers, jealous of the space for a new chasuble chest, PA system, or baroque new font, wonder how to remove them. But nobody wants them. Especially when in need of some repair. They occupy space. They weigh a ton. They gather dust. But someone's granny gave that piano, and it's not going unless to a good home.

What might a church try doing with a piano in some need of repair that is more likely to be successful than hoping for a collection, I wonder? Bearing in mind that the one thing you can't do is flog any ivory off separately.

Edit: I was asked why only 21. So now there's a couple more. This may not stop any time soon.

1. Sponsored Explosion.
2. Piano soap-box derby.
3. Sneak out one key, string, or splinter at a time hidden down your trouser legs.
4. Enter the local raft race.
5. Paint it green and claim it's the verger.
6. Add a wheel and make it a driving simulator.
7. Kindling £3 a bundle for the spire fund.
8. Hide inside it to terrify champers in the middle of the night.
9. Very small outside loo.
10. Get Elon Musk to make it the first piano on Mars.
11. Convert it into a pew. Then remove all the pews.
12. Swift boxes with keys for perches.
13. Fuel for "Musical Bonfire Night". Hear the twang of those strings!
14. Every time you see the keys, sob loudly and annoyingly for the fate of the elephant that gave its life so a quire that disbanded in 1979 could practice without using the organ.
15. Chicken coop.
16. Casing for a "retro" 64-inch old-fashioned flat screen TV.
17. Turn it into an unwanted church bookcase for unwanted donated books.
18. Push it over and use it as a coffee table.
19. Drop it from a crane to test Galileo's theory of falling objects.
20. Sponsored push to a secret destination (the tip).
21. Coffin for a thin, square person.
22. Bury it, arguing it's a very delayed funeral for the elephant. Declare a month of mourning so nobody feels like they can complain.
23. Rebuild it as a glider and fly it to the tip from the tower.