Woke Litter Blights Greenbelt

As the happy campers of the Greenbelt festival depart to the routine of their quotidian lives, the cleansing agents of North Northamptonshire move onto the Boughton Hall grounds to deal with the terrible litter left behind. 

Now, the Greenbelt organizers are very happy with the state the campsite is left in. Nobody could be prouder of the way the vegan burger wrappers, cruelty-free popcorn boxes and organically-grown tent pegs have been swept away into either the bins, or the back of the fleet of the Fiat Fairtrades with which the pilgrims will return to their vicarages and mews houses in London's trendy Marylebone.

But you can't see the real menace. The one lurking invisibly across the grounds of the old stately home. Blowing in the Northants winds and heaped up against the Northants hedgerows and blowing down the old A43 towards Corby.

Great piles of Woke.

"It could be a real disaster," said Councillor Syd Nasty of the 'Send them Back to Wellingborough' Party. "They think this Woke stuff is just a laugh, like setting off Chinese lanterns or letting your dog have a run around the sheep field. But in fact it's really dangerous. If a squirrel eats this stuff it could end up using pronouns. And squirrels only speak their own squirrely language - so where's that gonna end?

"Or it could run down the Ise, into the Northants water supply, and where will we be? Camden, that's where. Drowning in hand-woven friendship bracelets. If people start respecting other people's rights to live their lives without giving them a good tar-and-feathering, our English civilization could go to pot.

"We've not built this country on 200 years of slavery and oppression of the Working Classes so a bunch of hippies and Christians can try and turn us all nice," he said, painting a St George Cross onto the nearest manhole cover, and showing me the brochure for the hotel he's going to spend his holiday protesting outside.

Woke as far as the eye can see

And so the hazmat-suited outsourced Woke cleansers go about their business. Sweeping up the Woke to be buried in an ironstone mine - the depth of rock meaning the Woke radiation can be kept safely confined underground. Where there is too great a deposit of Woke to be managed by hand - for instance where Mx Fabulosa Bradley's Tofutorium was trading - they hose the place down with vitriol before taking away the grass, to ensure the cows don't graze on it. Woke cows might start demanding to stay out of burgers, said Councillor Syd, and if they start forming cow communes, milk quality is going to suffer.

It has been suggested that gathering so much Woke into one place in the centre of the country may be asking for a natural disaster. Syd Nasty, stranded waist-deep in a Wokedrift, looks across the fields, and shudders, as he considers the danger of a Critical Mass of Woke. Northants couldn't cope with that many genders. Why can't they just take their Woke home with them?