Saturday, 5 January 2013

Grander Designs

(Tall man from Dunstable is driving a Range-Rover down a starry lane, talking to a camera and apparently oblivious to the road)

KMc: Imagine a building project so vast that it involved the creation of the entire universe. And yet somebody believed that they could do it - bring it in on budget - and, even more unlikely, do the whole build in 6 days. Well, today I'm going back to see how it's all got on since the project finished.

Tall man and Divine Being gaze out over the majesty of the whole universe, through the self-cleaning, automatically-opening windows of heaven.

KMc: Nice to see you! And you're not looking a day older!

DB: Well, I've rested since we finished the project, of course.

KMc: So, this is all a lot better than when you started?

DB: Oh yes. It was chaos. The first major job after getting the lighting sorted was putting in the firmament between the heavens and the earth, of course. And once that had happened we could really start to see the wonders of the place.

KMc: Well, it's certainly a creative use of Space!

DB: Thank you. Obviously, I always planned to live up here, and pop down now and then to see them, but it never really worked out.

KMc: So the children all live down there, and you're living up in the loft conversion? Aren't you a bit worried they're going to make a mess of the place?

DB: Oh they do. All the time. In some respects that's why I stay up here, out of the way. But my Son did take a fairly extended stay down there, a while back - to see if he could show them how to get their act together.

KMc: So how did he get on?

DB: Well, let's put it this way. He came back pretty quickly. Some people said they'd do what he wanted, try to tidy things up - but even they just seem to sit around talking about sex, and there's all this poverty and injustice just laying around everywhere... Most of them don't even appreciate that it's me keeps the whole thing going.

KMc: So you're just going to hang on up here forever, then? Maybe just call round and complain if they leave old sofas and rubbish lying around in Space?

DB: Well, let's say we're very much keeping an eye on things. I've still got my Representative on the ground.

KMc: And any more Grander Designs in the pipeline?

DB: Oh yes. That's the great thing about being your own Property Committee. I can't tell you when it's going to happen - it would spoil the surprise. But when they least expect it - I'm going to take Heaven and Earth, give them a thorough renovation - and then I'm going to knock them through into one.

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