Saturday 28 February 2009

The Husborne Crawley Holly

"And did those feet, in ancient times, walk upon Crawley's pastures green
and was the holy Lamb of God in Woburn's Wolf Enclosure seen?
And did the countenance divine gaze on the White Horse and the green?
and was Jerusalem builded here, handy for M1 Junction 13?"

And to all those questions, maybe the answer was yes.  With the typical thoroughness that the Beaker Folk bring to these issues, we can definitively say that there is no evidence that Joseph of Arimathea did not visit Husborne Crawley at some point in the 1st century.  Clearly the village that Joseph saw would have been very different from today.  For starters it would have had a different name - Husbornus Crawlicus, or something very like it.  The Beaker Folk of the day would have been wearing togas, instead of hi-viz.  And they'd probably have been living off snails and edible dormice, rather than the roadkill from the motorway.
But we are happy also to celebrate the connections.  For example, a large holly tree that we have growing on the South Lawn is probably big enough to have been planted by Joseph himself.  We have no evidence of this, but the only way to disprove it would be to cut it down and count the rings.  And clearly that would be sacrilege.
So if you come down to the Husborne Crawley Reliquary, we will be happy to show you Joseph of Arimathea's toenails clippings, recently discovered in a tealight holder in the Orchard.  We haven't actually had them carbon dated, as this would be highly disrespectful to such a venerated symbol of the faith.  Just be awe-struck at a connection through 20 centuries - back to a point half-way through the history of Beakerdom itself.  And reflect on the holy saints that have carried the Beaker light through the ages - Joseph of Arimathea, Archdruid Eileen, William Mcgonagall, William Stukeley, Stig of the Dump, Ug the Woadmonger - all with connections to the Husborne Crawley area (Stukeley passed nearby, on his way to Stonehenge).  We are struck with humility and awe even at the thought.

Saturday 21 February 2009

Credit Crunch Special Service

Like the seasons of the year and the Beaker festivals, business goes in cycles. Just as we mark the high and low moments of the other cycles, so we now mark the low point in the business cycle. At least we hope it's the low point.

In honour of the Government's attitude to the recession, all Beaker Folk are to wear T-shirts emblazoned with the slogan "it's their fault, not mine".

In recognition of the media's reaction to the crisis, all Beaker Folk are to wear special glasses that give perfect 20-20 vision, but only for things that are behind you.

The Children's Club will jump up and down on a selection of cardboard boxes, to symbolise the collapse in property prices. Please can you avoid jumping on the larger boxes, as there are a number of former Woolworth Employees who are hoping to sleep in them later.

The Archdruid will take part in the Grand Hunt in the Back of the Sofa, as we try to find some resources to pay down debt.

Since the members of our community who were formerly in the banking world are now no longer able to contribute towards its maintenance, they will be required to walk to Ridgmont Station on foot. As a sign of repentance they are to wear sackcloth and ashes. When they arrive, Hnaef will throw their belongings onto the platform, and give them enough to get the train home. Their 4x4s, Porsches and other flash status symbols have been impounded on our behalf by Young Keith's uncle, the policeman. We will sell the cars off just as soon as there's a market for them, to recover their outstanding voluntary contributions.

If you hear an odd noise coming from the paddock, that's Drayton Parslow busy shutting the stable door. Now if only we could find that horse...

Please note that for future collections, all offerings are expected to be in gold. At least you can trust the shiny stuff.

Robert Peston is not the messiah. He's just a smug little journalist.

Monday 16 February 2009

Science and Religion

Once again we are happy to allow a guest to air his views - on this occasion Dr Dweeb Dexter, who has recently set up his new Laboratory of Blatting Out of Existence (L-Boe).

Many people have written on the supposed conflict between Science and Religion - suggesting that Science has "disproved" Religion, or that Science is merely a tool of the Dark One.  Yet others have tried to assign different roles to the two - Science attempting to answer the question "how" while Religion asks "why".  I would like to suggest that in fact there is a question common both to theologians and scientists.  And that question is "how can I get a grant"?  On this question we can all agree.

If you are a theologian looking for a bit of dosh, it's no good supporting the traditional line.  Who's going to give you any money for that?  If you want to get some-one to buy your books, or make it onto the chat-show circuit, you want to claim Jesus was a chipmunk, or St Peter and the other apostles were members of the Beaker People.

In much the same way, there's not much point a scientist mixing chemicals together to make pretty colours.  Who's going to pay you for that?  Personally, I've made an absolute mint out of my research into blatting things out of existence.  There's plenty of people prepared to pay for that kind of research.  Of course, science being a morally neutral activity, I am bound to pursue this kind of investigation regardless of petty moral concerns.  I am concerned solely with truth.

Now I realise that some of you are a little concerned about my new  Laboratory of Blatting Out of Existence.  Please don't worry.  According to my (theoretical) calculations, the chances of my Blatting & Obliteration Machine (or BOM for short) creating an existential vortex that sucks the whole of Husborne Crawley into the void is less than one in a thousand.  Hardly worth worrying about. And think about the size of the cheques if it works!

I hope this has put your minds at rest.

Wednesday 11 February 2009

Review of the Quarterly Moot

1.  The list of organisations to which Druids may not belong has now been expanded to include: The Movement for a Free Milton Keynes; The Steps Fan Club; Woburn Sands Gardeners' Club; The Aspley Methodists' Bright Hour; the Facebook Group "I bet I kind find a million men who support male druids" (current members 4 - and I know who you all are); The Wellingborough Arm of the Royal Ancient Order of the Bison; Ridgmont Station Train Spotters; Cranfield Club; The Corded Wear Folk of North Crawley (splitters); The Beano Club.

2.  The proposal to explore possible routes towards male arch-druids was rejected unanimously and without a vote or discussion.  The Air Supply was restored to the Moot Hall shortly afterwards.

3.  The Archdruid refused to discuss the question as to why all the snow melted so swiftly off the roof of the Great House, beyond a short comment that "it obviously needs better insulation".

4.  The Archdruid informed the Moot that, as the Community is on agricultural land, there is no need for concern about Rain Tax.  However it was agreed that we should burn an effigy of the head of OfWat, to show solidarity with others not so well situated.  Now we just need to find out what he looks like...

5.  The old chestnut about reunion with the La Tene Folk of Luton was discussed.  The Moot agreed that we are totally in favour of a charitable move towards reunion, on an equal and amicable basis, on a few minor conditions.  The La Tene Folk must accept that their druids are not real ones; accept they were totally in the wrong in the first place; adopt the wearing of ceremonial Hi Viz; and adopt the use of the Beaker Common Prayer on all occasions.  And sell off the lock-up garage they use for the ceremonies and move to a proper, spiritual location.  Like Husborne Crawley.

6.  In order to mitigate the impact on the Community's income of the current worldwide financial problems, we are to step-up production of doilies and corn dollies.  In order for this additional labour not to impact the spiritual aspects of the Community's work, we will have to take it out of sleep time.

7.  Questions were raised regarding the Evolution Mural that has been painted on the side of the Old Barn in celebration of Charles Darwin.  The archdruid indicated that it was just a co-incidence that the image representing the Home Counties Upper Class was on the very topmost bough of the Tree of Life. It could have been the members of the Upper Class in any part of England.

Monday 9 February 2009

Lunar Philosophy

Just because you can't
see the moon
doesn't mean
it isn't still there.

Doilies are so white
- the moon is too.
But you can't
put a vase on it.

The snow flakes drift down
- dying moons.
I see it's
turned to slush again.

Saturday 7 February 2009


The pouring-out of beakers ceremony has once again been cancelled this morning, due to the water in the beakers being frozen.  We're a bit concerned as to just how frostproof this batch of beakers is, so Hnaef's knocking up a new batch in the Beakering shed.  Or he would be, but the kiln won't light. So be careful or we'll be reduced to improvising with jam jars.

We have a few visitors who've somehow managed to struggle here up the M1 for a week.  We have had serious incidents with pilgrims in the past in this weather.  You may remember certain members of the Community persuaded them that dancing naked on Aspley Heath is a mandatory (or at least obligatory) part of our worship.  You know full well it's not.  Please don't do it.  There are places that you really don't need frostbite.

 The Snow-druid competition was quite a success.  However I wasn't totally impressed with Young Keith's "Eileen".  Is my nose really that shape?

Wednesday 4 February 2009

Festival of Facebook Being Five

Archdruid: It's good to see that two or three are gathered here, having dragged themselves away from their laptops.
All: Can you get a move on? We've got Superpets to clean, battle and exercise.

Archdruid: But they're really pants.
All: True. But they're cute as well.

Archdruid: Where two or three are gathered together....
All: They'll form a group in support of some obscure cause.

Archdruid: Don't you ever want to get out, see the sunshine?
All: You must be joking. We've got Scramble to play.

Exchange of the Poke

Archdruid: May the Poke be with you.
All: And also with you.

All may kiss, slap, cuddle, wave at, wink at or throw snowballs at
each other.

Archdruid: Now get out there and try to find some real, physical human 
beings for friends.
All: Just because you've only got six.

The Archdruid is.... fed up with trying to get a bunch of numpties to act 
vaguely spiritual.  
But also has the biggest brain.

Tuesday 3 February 2009

There is Snow God

With a ht to David Keen we've been able to design our Beaker Bus.  Now for the annual pilgrimage to the Rollright Stones.  If they're not buried under the snow.

The Day the Music Died

Changes to the authorised Ceremonial for the Solemnity of the Loss of Buddy Holly, 1959.

For the Absolution, the president may use the words "It doesn't matter anymore"

Notices - "Peggy Sue Got Married"

Response to the words "We need to increase the amount members of the Community give, in these testing times" - "That'll be the day".

Dress Code: Checked suits and thick glasses.

Please note that anyone playing the Don Mclean version of "American Pie" will have the CD confiscated. Anyone playing the Madonna version will have the CD destroyed in the Community microwave, and the CD player fuse removed. And then we'll jump up and down on the CD player. Anyone using MP3 docking stations will be scorned for their use of modern technology and given two bits of flint to bang together until they start to behave better.

God bless you, Buddy. It's still raining in our hearts.