Monday 29 June 2020

Recipe for Badger Gin

It's that time of the year when the Internet is full of fruity gins. And people have been asking me for my special traditional recipe for Beaker Badger Gin. Kept a secret for millennia, but sometimes in the greater good, it's best that we share things in these trying times.

Beaker Badger Gin


1 badger
1 litre of gin
Large terracotta beaker


Leave the badger alone.
Drink the gin.
Light a candle in the beaker.

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Tuesday 23 June 2020

Covid Secure Worship Rules - Latest Revision

Firstly, the good news. We delayed the opening of the Moot House for private prayer for so long that the rules are changing again. Therefore we are able to publish the following rules, confident that there will be no hydroxychloroquine in the Moot House by 4 July, once we've got the final shipment out the door.

We now seem to be in a slight bind, as we can't work out whether the Government's rules mean we can have outside worship experiences again in the Orchard, or whether it's only indoors. Also, due to the Great Communicator's inability to make anything clear, we can't figure out whether it's 30 people only at weddings, or 30 people max limit at all acts of worship. On the bright side, since we normally get two dozen if we're lucky, it's not really an issue.

Worship Rules
  1. Queue for church 2m apart. Anyone breaching personal space to be greeted with a tutt.
  2. No hymn books, prayer books or paper handouts. 
  3. Always move widdershins in the Moot House. Enter through the Summer Sunrise door and exit through the Summer Sunset one. 
  4. Welcomers to be unwelcoming.
  5. Velcro to be provided for the soles of children's shoes. This will keep the little darlings attached to the carpet, and prevent them running around.
  6. Box pews will be fitted before we re-open. Only members of the same household plus permitted "bubbles" to be in the same box pew.
  7. No incense. It just gives people licence to cough, and the last thing we need at the moment is a stampede.
  8. No shouting in the Moot House. Especially not for emphasis when preaching.
  9. No over-enthusiastic singing.
  10. The Kiss / Handshake / Sloppy Snog of Peace to be replaced with Arnold Rimmer Salutes.
  11. To limit exposure to both drivel and dribble, sermons to be no more than 6 minutes long.
  12. The Beaker Bodhran to be played outside the Moot House. This isn't for health reasons. Orik's just not very good. And 12 weeks off to practice haven't improved him.
  13. We're gonna have to lose the conch shells for a while. Say, 30 years.
  14. No "turn round and say hello to someone you don't know"
  15. Walk. Don't Run.
  16. No laying of hands for healing. Ironic, isn't it?
  17. No patting the service leader.
  18. No licking the furniture. This isn't Wetherspoons.
  19. Offering by contactless or PayPal online only. Minimum transaction £10.
  20. Keep the hand sanitiser away from the candles.
  21. We've taken away the holy water stoup. Blessed water will be provided via the fire sprinkler system.
  22. No sharing pebbles or tea lights except within households blah blah bubble blah.

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Saturday 20 June 2020

Solstice Sunrise Service

Good morning to you all and a Happy Solstice!

I'm pleased to say that, in keeping with social distancing regulations, this morning's Solstice Sunrise was attended by only Burton. The assorted mythical creatures, Hern the Hunter, Piper at the Gates of Dawn etc, all being old before time was young, are shielding.

You can see the Solstice Sunrise, along with Spring Equinox which is available for the next 45 days, via BeakerFlix, our one-stop streaming liturgy channel.

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Friday 19 June 2020

Katie Hopkins Permanently Suspended from Twitter

That cream of the Master Race, that proof that lack of a conscience, talent or consequence is no barrier to fame, Katie Hopkins, has been permanently suspended from Twitter.

According to the BBC, Twitter didn't say which of her tweets had been particularly hateful.

Presumably because it would have been too hard to narrow it down to a few thousand.

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Monday 15 June 2020

The Boris Johnson Statue Remains

I'm aware that a lot of people are blaming me for everything at the moment.

Like my inability to reopen the Moot House for private prayer, as is now allowed. I've been promising I'll open it as soon as I can. And I will. Just as soon as I've sold through all the bleach and hydroxychloroquine I've stockpiled in there. I'm expecting a big order through from the States.

And some Beaker People have taken objection to the statue of Boris Johnson I've erected in the Rose Garden. And yes, I know he's a divisive character. That's why I've put it up. I know if I keep banging on about people wanting to pull down the Boris Johnson statue, they'll all get umpty about the statue and forget about the rationing, brownouts and poor air quality they've been suffering from. And the way that, due to copyright issues when we bought the online worship package, we're only allowed to stream "I The Lord of Sea and Sky". All the time. Well, I've paid for it now so that's what you're getting.

Make no mistake. This statue of Boris Johnson is the fridge that I'm prepared to die on. I should like to clarify to some baffled people that the little children around his feet are not there to be blessed. The symbolism is that he's checking to see if any of them are his. In much the same way that he is like a little chubby balding father to the nation. I'm sure that, as the days progress and he realises that he will eventually be forced to cave in to the EU or face food riots, the falling of his once-luxuriant locks will mean he achieves his lifetime's ambition of being like Winston Churchill, at least in girth and follicles. Which is why the statue has removable hair, as well as interchangeable loyal women beside him.

Since by my pointless banging on about the statue rather than addressing any serious issues I can sense a Beaker Mob already forming - and these are the real enemy, loyal Beaker People - I have had to take precautionary measures. We have locked the Boris Johnson statue in an industrial fridge to keep it safe - actions entirely caused by the Beaker Mob. Not by my erecting a statue of an incompetent funnyman-turned-politician in the Rose Garden. No. When the Local Beaker People, together with some bored, resentful and confused men I've had bussed in from Essex on the promises of Stella, rise up against this statue, it will all be your fault.

Right. I'm off for a nap now. I've been awake since half past eight, and I let Young Keith do the actual running of the Community these days.

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Saturday 13 June 2020

Covid-Secure Pop-up Statue Dunking

By popular demand, for all those who wanted to pull a statue down but weren't allowed due to following the regulations and not wanting to meet Tommy Robinson, we're going to introduce Beaker Covid-Secure Pop-up Statue Dunking.

Thanks to Young Keith who has built the new Remote Statue-Tipper on the edge of the duck pond. Beaker People can download the Statues Must Fall app from the Beaker web store, and bid for the right to press the button that tips the statue into the water.

On the Worzel Gummidge Head principle, I'm glad to confirm we'll be dunking the same statue, but with different features, hourly this weekend, as follows:


12 noon - Pontius Pilate 

1pm - Enoch Powell

2pm - Katie Hopkins

3pm - Christopher Columbus (not the actor the other one)

4pm - Francis Drake

5pm - Dominic Cummings


12 noon - Henry VIII

1pm - Oliver Cromwell

2pm - Oliver Cromwell again (to be on the safe side)

3pm - Capt Bligh of the Bounty

4pm - Clive of India

5pm - Pope John XII

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Monday 8 June 2020

Covid Secure Signs for Private Prayer in Church

"Labyrinth" By !Original:Nordisk familjebokVector: Sebastián Asegurado - This file was derived from:  Labyrinth 1 (from Nordisk familjebok).png:, Public Domain

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Zoom Liturgy (8 weeks in)

Archdruid: Peace be with you

 All: Can you all go on mute?

All: No, I really meant you.

♫ Bing - Bong 

Archdruid: Sorry, that's my delivery. Young Keith, can you get it? Young Keith? Young Keith?

Young Keith: Sorry, I was on mute. OK. 

Archdruid: Let us hear the words of Isaiah according to the prophet Isaiah. Stacey is reading it.


All: Stacey! You're on mute.

All: Can you all go on mute?

All: No, I really meant you.

Stacey: Sorry, I lost my concentration for a moment. What am I doing?

Archdruid: The Reading.

Stacey: Oh yeah. The words of Isaiah from the book of... what book is it, Eileen?

Archdruid: Isaiah.

Stacey: Can you send me the link?

Archdruid: It's on the screen.

Stacey: Yeah, but I've phoned in.

Isaiah: Can thee get on with it? I'm busy tha knows. In fact, if tha wants doing summat right, that should do it thi'sen.... Say to this nation that they shall be always dialled in, but never listening.
Ever in front of t' screen, but ever looking at their phone.
Ever meant to be joining in t' worship, but ever minimized and looking at some meme on t'Facebook.

Archdruid: That's not Isaiah 6.

Isaiah: Tha's got ter move wit' t'times, lass. 

Young Keith: Got your delivery. It rattles.

Archdruid: Should think it does. It's a crate. 

Stacey: I've dialled back in. Shall I do the reading now?

Archdruid: May the sun rise up behind you, and the skies rain down above you, the road shoot up to biff you.... hang on, this isn't right. Sorry, I thought I could do this from memory.

All: Can you go on mute?

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Sunday 7 June 2020

Trinity Sunday Service Cancelled

Andrei Rublev "Hospitality of Abraham"
Please note our "Zoomity Sunday" service is cancelled. Likewise the traditional "Spot the Heresy" session. This is so we can spend more time today trying to work out what a Liberal Evangelical Cabal looks like (we suspect it's a kind of ocelot) and arguing about the new cleaning rota.

Hopefully whatever passes for normal service will be restored by next Trinity Sunday, when the cries of "Sabellian", "Modalist" and "Liberal Evangelical" will once again ring around the Moot House.

Meanwhile here's a nice picture. 

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Wednesday 3 June 2020

The Ultraviolet Enema Kit

Bit weird. Yesterday we had a large orange man turn up outside the Moot House for a photo shoot. He told us he was looking to co-opt our faith to support his war on "people who think black people are also people".

Had to tell him that black people are also people, as much as orange people. Which disappointed him. On the bright side, I managed to sell him an Ultraviolet Enema Kit. It's a brilliant concept. It releases fluorescent nanoparticles into the bodily functions where the sun don't shine, disinfecting at the molecular level. If it don't cure your Covid 19, at least it takes your mind off it for a bit.

I must say, these kits are going like hot cakes. Sold one to some bloke the other week who was on his way to Durham to take Covid up there with him. He phoned me up to say it worked, but it made his eyes go funny. Well yes, it would. That's an overlarge siphon tube Young Keith included, in my opinion. But when he said he "passed Barnard Castle", apparently that was a route direction, not a side effect.

Anyway, the orange bloke went back to a place which apparently he needs to make great again, again. But due to time differences, he called me at 2am UK time to ask me what to do with it.

So naturally I  told him.

Ah, the old ones are the best. 

Tuesday 2 June 2020

Liturgy for Thomas Hardy's Birthday

Yokel 1: It's that Thomas Hardy's birthday then.

Yokel 2: Aye. Dead and gone as we all shall be.

Y1: Shall us go to the Pure Drop?

Y2: It's closed for lockdown.

Y1: Shall us go for a drap o' sommat at Peter's Finger?

Y2: Closed for lockdown.

Y1: What about the Quiet Woman?

Y2: Closed for lockdown.

Y1: Dree Mariners at Casterbridge? I hear they had a pretty drap o' tipple.

Y2: Closed for lockdown.

Y1: Shall us go jump off Durdle Door? 

Y2: Aye, it's a sunny day. Wi' all my heart. 

Y1: What's the point o' being the village idiots if we can't act like it?

Y2: Shall us get Tranter Cummings to take us in his cart?

Y1: What? Wi' his eyesight?

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