Wednesday 26 October 2022

A Mixed Ecology in the Chicken Farm

Bit of an issue with our "mixed ecology" initiative in the chicken run.

The chickens have always been a valuable source of protein in the Beaker community, especially when road kill is out of season. The chickens would have pretty good lives. The grass was grazed. And the eggs and meat were free range and high quality.

But some people said the chickens weren't expanding. Said the hens were getting less productive with age. Said they wanted an exciting new project. A mixed ecology. 

So we put some foxes in.

OK, the chickens started disappearing. But apparently that was going to happen anyway. And the foxes were having a high old time.

Obviously, foxes don't taste very good. And they don't lay eggs. But they were looking so healthy.

Until the last two chickens went.

They had considered their calling to be ducks, but found the whole swimming thing a bit inefficient.

Now, all the foxes have starved.

Still, the grass is long. And we can get eggs at Tesco.

And it was a dynamic initiative. So that's the main thing.

Liz Truss


I did say.

It would not be sticking my neck out too far that the long-term decline in British Tory PMs may have just reversed. At least for once. Even if he's the last.

Tuesday 25 October 2022

That All-Purpose Social Media Company Response to Complaints About Racist Posts

 Thanks for reporting that racist post. It was really racist, wasn't it? And it's important you keep reporting racist posts, so we can tell you we take racism seriously.

Although we take racism seriously, we don't take it seriously enough to do anything about it. So we won't be taking any action at this time. Or ever.

But please keep reporting racism on our platform. We care. 

Just not enough to do anything about it.

Liturgy for Jacob Rees-Mogg Leaving the Cabinet

Archdruid: Finally.

All: Amen.

Sunday 23 October 2022

Liturgy Conducted in a Religious Building with a Leak in the Roof

 Archdruid: Peace be with <splot>

All: And also <splot> you.

Archdruid: <splot> up your hearts

All: We lift them up with <splot>

Archdruid: A reading from John <splot>

No <splot> is an island entire of <splot>; every man
is a <splot> of the continent, a <splot> of the main;
if a <splot> be washed away by the sea, <splot>
is the less, as well as if a <splot> were, as
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's <splot> diminishes me,
because I am involved in <splot> kind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the <splot> tolls; it tolls for <splot>. 

All:  Isn't there an inclusive version?

Archdruid: I'll <splot> onto it.

Hnaef: I've found the bucket.

Archdruid: Now let us have a <plink> of worship.

All: Can we <plink> the tea lights?

Archdruid: <Plink> lights after we've given thanks for the weather.

All: Are you jok<plink>?

Archdruid: Shine Jesus Shine?

Archdruid: Repeating the <plink>. Look, Hnaef - can you get a plastic bowl instead of a metal pail?

Hnaef: <plink> on it.

Archdruid: And <plink> we move into a time of praise and <splunk>

Hnaef: Found <splunk>!

Archdruid: OK, enough's e<splunk>. Go in <splunk> out into the <splunk> to <splunk> all <splunk>

Hnaef: I reckon it's clearing <splunk>.

Tuesday 18 October 2022

Living Without Central Heating - A Guide

In these days of high gas and fuel costs, everyone is wondering how to save money.

I saw this headline from the Telegraph website about how to live without central heating. Now, I can't read the article as I'm saving money by not paying for a Telegraph subscription (handy money-saving tip there). 
But here's what I'm sure it is saying.

First up, it's really easy to live without central heating if you have a wood-burning stove in every room. Obviously the stove will cost a grand or two. And then if you've saved money by not lining the chimney, you may accidentally start a chimney fire. But that's all warmth.
Sadly we deforested the entire orchard while looking for enough wood to stay alive during the "Beast from the East" a few years ago. But every day, bands of happy Beaker Folk trawl the countryside looking for discarded pallets, roadkill, and old carpets. And it all burns!

Obviously if you live in a tenement in Central London you may not have access to an actual chimney. And putting a new chimney on a modern estate house (I mean housing estate, not like Woburn Ashby, silly!) can be slow, messy and expensive. So I'd recommend venting the burner out of a window.

If it's a really cold day, visit your local dog rehoming charity and offer to look after one for a while. Dogs can manage without food for a few days, and you can take it back when the weather picks up.

Then there's sweaters. To avoid that "looking like a woman who lives in a van" concept that Georgina Fuller so frets about, I buy all my layers at Joules. Simple, stylish and warm.

And if, after you've splashed out in Joules, you need a bit more warmth on the cheap, send someone a bit common into Dunelm for you. The Teddy Bear Fleeces only have that incredible softness until you wash them. So don't wash them. They also have the advantage that, if you've borrowed a Labrador, the shed hair builds an extra insulating layer.

And never forget the importance of mood lighting! Investing in some smart bulbs can make such a difference as they give the whole house a warm, orange glow. Especially uplifting. Gives you that "cottage fireside" feeling without dazzling you.

If you're really lucky you'll have a house that mysteriously never suffers from condensation. I achieve this by a special Beaker meditation technique which slows my metabolism. In this case you don't have to worry about heating the space - just heat the body. Why not wrap yourself in layers of bubble wrap as you cluster around the switched off-telly?

And then there's the bath. Bath water is lovely and warm, and you can keep topping it up when it cools down!

Don't forget the importance of reducing draughts. You can make such a difference by nailing up unnecessary doors. And eliminate draughts from windows by painting over the frames and gaps. Cheaper than insulation!

Of course, I can appear stylish and bubble-wrap free. That's because I insulated the Moot House thanks to a Government scheme under New Labour.  And I have an oil burner in the Druidical suite.

So, as you cancel your internet contracts to save money, I'm praying for a mild winter for you. And hope to see you in the spring!

Friday 14 October 2022

A Queen Forever

We've been thinking about this for a few weeks.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining about King Charles.

But after Queen Elizabeth has been my queen for a whole life time - doesn't it feel a bit weird singing "God Save the King" and all that? We ended up with "God Save the Quing", and that can't be right.

And then there is the problem of all the service leaflets we've had printed off. Saying "Queen" and "Elizabeth". All to be changed to "King" and "Charles". When we all know Charles's actual title is "Prince." Are we going to reprint them all? Or cross out the old words and put the new ones in, in biro?

So we've come to a conclusion.

As far as the Beaker Folk are concerned, Queen Elizabeth II is our Queen Perpetual. Any successors will be holding the throne temporarily, in the short-term absence of the real possessor.

So God Save the Queen. And all those who sit on the throne on her behalf.

Monday 10 October 2022

Nativity of Kirsty MacColl (1959)

 Can all Beaker People assemble at 6 pm in the Forêt de Mimosas. 

Mambo de la Luna will commence upon the sighting of the first pathetic male. (Burton Dasset).

1980s perms are permitted. 

Feel free to sit on the Mexican sofa.

Take it away, Kirsty...

Wednesday 5 October 2022

Suella Braverman Has a Dream

I have a dream, a dream so bleak
If you've crossed the Channel on a rubber raft
You won't land at Dover unless you're really daft.
I believe in hatred
Something suss in everything I see
I believe in hatred
When I know the time is right for me
I'll stop your "crime"*
This Christmas time.

I have a dream, a dream so wide
To throw them out upon the tide
If you're a gay Syrian hoping for some peace
You'll fly to Rwanda 
- talk to the police
I believe in borders
I'll be far more vicious than Priti
I believe in borders
When I've passed the law you won't be free.
This is my scheme
I have a dream.

* Travelling to the UK is not a crime. Yet.