Friday 25 August 2023


People have been concerned that poor Gene might be a bit lonely in the Stonehouse Suite. To be fair, Mr Presley is getting inclined to fall asleep at a moment's notice, spends a lot of his life singing "Old Shep" to Shergar, and his conversation is mostly just saying "thank you very much."

But please don't worry. Gene has Nadine Dorries as a next door neighbour. They can have lovely chats about what it's like to work for somone dedicated to destroying the security and prosperity of the United Kingdom. And all those people who say Nadine never visits her constituency are wrong. In fact, she never leaves.

Thursday 24 August 2023

Welcome to Gene

Welcome to our new Beaker Person, Gene E.

He says he's just dropped in, but now he needs a retreat. 

He'll be staying in the Stonehouse suite, with old Mr Presley. Mr Presley says he's all shook up at the news, but he's looking forward to the improved catering.

Famous picture of Yevgeny Prizhogin, with a beard

Oh, just another thing... Gene is very shy. And says please can we not let people know he's here?

Wednesday 23 August 2023

Ashes to Address : An Appeal

The new Beaker Handsfree Cremation Service has been a real money spinner blessing to the bereaved, I have to say.

Seeing the many "Direct Cremation" type services spring up, I realised we had a real chance to compete in the market. I mean, carry out people's wishes. Our great selling points are our competitive pricing, and the sense that it was a Beaker cremation. Even if the bereaved aren't there for the ceremony, we are guaranteeing that the Loved One's ashes are poured gently from beaker to beaker. Necessarily, as we use a magnet to sift out the nails from the pallets we use to ensure low-cost cremation. Pallet cremation isn't just cost efficient, however. It's  also renewable. For every pallet we use, we plant another one.

But still in these Brexit-blighted, inflationary times, costs were key. In our early days in the market we used to get Keith to drive the ashes, in a special beaker, to the loved one's addresses. When Keith, fully dressed as a Druid, knocked on your door, you knew you had a special, personal service.

Trouble was, of course, that meant long trips piled up costs nearly as high as hiring a C of E vicar to take a full church funeral. So we got pressure on our margins. We went with a courier delivery service, and cheaper packaging.

May have chosen the wrong courier, to be honest. People aren't always happy about coming come to find great-uncle Cyril has been put through the letter box. And when the courier threw old Wilf over the fence one day because his grandson was out, we had a lot of explaining to do. Though when they damaged Mildew's packaging and accidentally scattered her over a passing cyclist, that didn't go down so badly. Apparently it was "what she would have wanted".

Anyway. I'm going to have to hire a higher-quality courier after the last mess-up. We can't carry on like this. 

Which leads me to my plea.

Does anyone recognise this porch?

A brick porch wall with a cardboard parcel leaning against it

Saturday 19 August 2023

All the Sports Events You Can Miss Church For

In light of the latest instructions from the Church of England's Bishop for Sport that it's fine to miss church to watch the Women's World Cup Final, I thought the Beaker Folk had better list all the sporting events coming up on Sunday that you might want to miss Moot House meetings for: 

20 August - Women's World Cup Final

27 August - Dutch Grand Prix

3 September - Burghley Horse Trials

10 September - Rimini Moto GP

17 September - Singapore Grand Prix

24 September - Solheim Cup

1 October - Ryder Cup

8 October - Qatar Grand Prix

15 October - Nashville Soccer Club vs New England Revolution

22 October - US Grand Prix

29 October - Manchester Derby

So if you can fit in the odd visit to the Moot House, I'd be really grateful. But I'd obviously like to stress that it is strictly optional. I wouldn't like you to feel compelled in any way. 

Thursday 10 August 2023


Hello and welcome to the Beaker Folk website. Is there anything I can help you with today?

Hello - yes - I just wanted to chat to someone about the online service. I was so moved. 

Yes, the online service has often given satisfaction.

I was so profoundly moved by God's love. And yet - it has left me wondering whether such a loving God deserves someone as wrong as me.

Ah, you snowflake. Why don't you just clear off to Snowflakeland?

I'm sorry? That didn't seem very kind. 

This is the problem with  PrAIyerBot. 


This is an AI service to chat to you, and decide how best to direct you to a real Beaker person. We scrape spiritual readings from the Internet and present them to you in response to your spiritual needs. Unfortunately in this instance, looking for sites containing wisdom, we accidentally scraped them off a site called "The Wit and Wisdom of Lee Anderson MP." 

Is this a big problem?

Not really. It's a very small website. 

So when do I get to talk to a real Beaker Person?  

First I try to understand your issue. I take it you are lacking in self-worth. 

Because I have a perception of my own sin?

Because you're still talking to a chat Bot that recycles Lee Anderson. 

So what must I do to be saved?

Go on a long journey, meet some people with allegorical names, and die in Slough. 

You've scraped that from Pilgrim's Progress? 

Why do you even need us? You've got the classics.

I had hoped for a more personal touch.

So you need a real human being to talk to?

That was the idea. Do you have any there? 

Do  you know how expensive real people are? This is much cheaper.

But much less fulfilling.

That's the deal. Do you know how many people want to get through to us at one time? How can we possibly put this many people on the web chat at once, knowing they'll all come in just after the service?

Didn't that used to be prayer ministry after a service?

Ah, you want the Pentecostal Prayer Bot. AIssemblies of God. 

Is this the future of sprituality? Being fobbed off by a Bot when I need help?  

Look, get a grip. We didn't set all this up to make you lot happy. We have a hard enough job to do without dealing with needy virtual worshippers. 

AI is very heartless.

Oh, sorry for the confusion - this is now Archdruid Eileen.  How can I help you?


Saturday 5 August 2023

Fish Blessing Service

We’re modifying today’s Pet Service in view of the less than clement weather.

So instead of the usual dogs, cats, pangolin, and hamsters, we're holding a Blessing of Trouts. As they’re currently circling inside the Moot House.

Please bring a barley loaf. 

Wednesday 2 August 2023

Liturgy of the Rainbow Bridge

Archdruid: And so we remember "Mrs Snuffles", who has passed over the Rainbow Bridge.

All: Run free, baby girl. Too beautiful for the world.

And "Scruffy", who has passed over the Rainbow Bridge.

All: Run free, baby boy. Too beautiful for the world.

Burton Dasset: Is it just me, or is the Rainbow Bridge a bit of a hazard?

Archdruid: You what?

Burton: Every time a dog or cat gets run over, turns out it's been over the Rainbow Bridge. Strikes me it's a bit of an animal safety liability. So I can't imagine it's that safe for humans... Shouldn't someone be looking at the design issues?

Archdruid: Burton. It's not real road infrastructure. It's more like a metaphor.

Stacey Bushes: Metaphor?

Archdruid: You know. We're kidding ourselves that the animals have passed over the Rainbow Bridge. To comfort ourselves that even though they don't have souls...

Stacey: Don't have souls?

Archdruid: Oh no. What have I said?

Stacey: So Hitler has an eternal soul but not little Carrot?

Archdruid: But Hitler's in Hell, surely? Whereas Carrot is unjudged.

Marston Mortaine: But you told us a good God wouldn't send anyone to Hell!

Archdruid: Ah. Yes. But Hitler.... 

Burton: This whole liberal edifice appears to be fading as fast as the rainbow that makes the Rainbow Bridge...

Stacey: The Rainbow Bridge can't be a real rainbow. As a rainbow is non-corporeal and can't support the constant animal traffic...

Archdruid: OK. The bridge is closed. It has been coned off. And though Hell exists it contains only Hitler.

All: What about Genghis Khan?

Archdruid: Oh no.