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Tuesday, 21 January 2014

When Tamar and Judah went on Jeremiah Kyle

KyleInfidelity, death, trouble with the in-laws coitus interruptus and sheep-shearing... these are just some of the issues on today's show. It's a real rollercoaster ride with Tamar and Judah.
So first let's meet Judah. He's a real character - 11 brothers and a sister, a history of conspiracy to murder..... Judah - they've never actually found Joseph, have they?
JudahLook, we've all had a few scrapes in the past. And I'm sure Joseph is fine, albeit probably in a prison or working as a slave somewhere.
KyleBut that's not why Judah's here today, is it? No, today we're going to be talking to his daughter-in-law, Tamar. Come on over, Tamar... 

Tamar comes on, clearly pregnant.
Judah attempts to get out of his chair after Tamar, is dragged back down by Benjamin and Zebulun.
KyleSo Tamar, you've been Judah's sister-in-law twice? 
TamarYes, and it should have been three times. But he made sure it didn't happen....
KyleLet's just go back for a bit. In the first place, you were married to Er?
TamarYeah, right bad 'un he was, as it turned out. But then, when you consider his father....
JudahThere was nothing wrong with my boy Er!
KyleStrange you should say that, Judah. As I've got a statement from a man called "Moses". Moses says that Er was wicked in the sight of the Lord. And that tells me that YOU WERE NOT A GOOD FATHER.
Judah(Sobs) It was hard for me, being one of twelve. My Dad, spending all the time arguing with all his wives. Joseph swanning around the place in long-sleeved coats. So I let Er down. I wasn't there when he needed me. And yeah, he was no angel.
KyleAnd then, Tamar, you married Er's brother - Onan.
TamarThat's right. And he was a total w-
KyleCareful, Tamar. Family show.
Tamar...aste of space.
JudahPhew. It's fair to say Onan didn't do his duty by his brother. But - divine punishment for people for not reproducing?  I think God's the one whose behaviour is in question here.... 
KyleYou may be right. But we're more pre-modern than post-modern, Judah, so let's not go putting the Divine on trial, eh? We can't afford that kind of insurance. Not this close to Sodom and Gomorrah. So, when Er couldn't give her a son and Onan wouldn't, why did you, Judah, not let Tamar marry your third son as you were so supposed to? You weren't doing your duty according to the Law, were you? Not such a great patriarch.
JudahHe's just a bit of a lad...
TamarHe's 18 stone and 27 years of age.
JudahWell, I wasn't going to let him die.
KyleAnd so you, Tamar - you could have been a quiet, dutiful widow and daughter-in-law. But you didn't, did you? You WENT ON THE GAME!!!

Crowd boos
TamarWell, what was I supposed to do? No kids, my family ashamed of me, looked upon as a failure...
JudahI tell you, Jeremiah, there's only one thing her sort understand. We've got to burn her. 
KyleJudah, I can see you're very upset. And obviously it's the way things are done round here. But don't you think you're acting like a relic of a failing patriarchal society?
JudahLook, I respect her choices. Her lifestyle. Her right to choose her own way and make her own mistakes. But this is, in fact, a perfectly intact, fully-functioning patriarchal society. And I say, with all respect to her lifestyle choices, it's time to BURN HER!!!
KyleTamar, I understand you're currently expecting as a result of your - ahem - new profession.
TamarYeah. And guess who the father is?
KyleWe have, in fact, got the results of the paternity test right here. And we have conclusive proof - well, as conclusive as a length of cord and a staff can be.  Judah - You're the Daddy!

Chaos breaks out. Judah realises he's been in the wrong. Tamar hugs Judah's friend, Hirah the Adullamite. Joseph appears in Egyptian dress, to reveal he's been alive all along. Moses wonders how on earth the Messiah is going to be descended from this shower.


KyleSo I think we've all learnt a lot today. Mostly, this. If you sleep with the widow of your first two sons while out shearing your sheep - don't ask for it on credit. It'll save you a lot of trouble later.

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