Tuesday, 29 March 2016

Situations Vacant: Vicar in the 1950s

The 1950s Parish is looking for a new vicar.

Skilled in pastoral visiting, the vicar in the 1950s parish will be able to visit every house in the parish every six weeks. He (naturally) will have a commitment to traditional worship, including morning and evening prayer seven days a week, while having the spare time to prepare exciting worship for every Sunday Eucharist

We are an equal opportunities parish. But while our vicar will have a commitment to equality and inclusivity, he will be married with three children, and have no idea that any other arrangement would be possible.

We don't have any real interest in mission - because who needs that when everyone is basically a Christian? But it would be really handy if the new vicar were interested in "reaching" the local community. Many of them are a lot less white than you might imagine, when you consider we live in the 1950s.

Fete opening, growing pumpkins, and showing your face at the pub while having absolutely no opinions on anything will be invaluable.

Obviously we have no right to express opinions on the husband/wife* of the new vicar. But s/he** should be a good organist, keen organiser of the Sunday School of 75*** children and expert at baking scones. Although, obviously, none of these things are necessary. We wouldn't dream of marking you down on any of them.

But they would be really useful. Especially if we have a number of candidates. You wouldn't want to fall short on the "attractive but not over-sexy wife who is very useful at Church-related stuff" category, would you?

The 1950s Parish is part of the Still Living in the Past Benefice. But doesn't really want to admit it.

* wife
** she
*** 2 or 3, on a good day


  1. Hope he also solves crimes with an inexplicable amount of cooperation from a Geordie cop in Cambridge.

  2. Coupled with the 1950's Vicar, you'd like a 1950's Curate.

    Single, Celibate (Asexual preferably) and Not too good looking.
    Good with Youth Work, and Charismatic in a nice way (no arm waving, or swaying or liturgical dance).
    Able to play pingpong (but not too well) and billiards (not too well), and have no interest in brass bands.
    Not part of the coffee bar, 'skiffle' generation,but soundly based in Vera Lynn and Pearl Carr and Teddy Johnson music.
    A Jazz lover, but not of the modern, Louis Armstrong type.
    Plays musical instruments like the Piano and Harpsichord.
    Wears a cassock at all times, held in place by a stout belt.
    Biretta is optional, as long as it has four pom poms.

    1. "Have no interest in brass bands"? Afraid the curate will defect to the Salvation Army?


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