(Inspired by Charlie Peer)
Vicar: Fallen! Fallen are the attendance figures!
Treasurer: And surely the free will offerings decline as well.
Vicar: The numbers are counted, the averages weighed, the pews stand empty, and we are not growing.
Treasurer: Or solvent. Let's stick to the important stuff.
Wardens: Well, Harvest was in October last year. So that makes a difference.
Vicar: Harvest is always in October.
Wardens: And then the Smiths were away for a week.
Vicar: They go to Spain every autumn half term.
Wardens: Well, half term was in October.
Vicar: Like it is every year.
Wardens: And Mabel was ill with 'flu.
Vicar: Mabel is always ill with 'flu. Mabel has been ill with 'flu for so many years she is featured in Robert Winston's new documentary series, "Malingerers."
Wardens: And then the Newbold children play football on Sundays.
Vicar: The Newbold children left home 17 years ago. The older girl is now a retail executive and the boy is a professional tattoo artist. If they're also playing football, it isn't impacting our year on year attendance figures.
Wardens: And then more people are coming midweek....
Vicar: They're the same people who come on Sundays. Now they're all retired they can make Tuesday and Thursday lunchtimes on the way to Over-60s afternoons at the cinema.
Wardens: We've asked people in the congregation what we should do to attract more worshippers...
Vicar: ...and they said, leave everything exactly as it is. Look. The congregation is 58 this year. Last year it was 62. How many funerals of the regular congregation did we have last year?
Warden A: Four.
Warden B: Yes, Ethel's not been coming to church so much since she's been dead.
Treasurer: The legacies are a bit of good news, amidst all the doom and gloom.
Vicar: So what should we do? The last rise in Sunday attendance was when they changed the Parish Share calculation and we stopped rounding down.
Wardens: Perhaps another midweek serviced?
Vicar: Good thinking!