Monday 31 October 2016

Programme for Samhain

I think it's generally understood that the ancients pronounced their word for Halloween "Sawin'." What's less understood is why, since they didn't have written language, we can't just spell it properly. Although cutting-edge research at the University of Newport Pagnell has revealed that the word Samhain itself comes from a proto-Indo-European root that means "tacky merchandise."

1800: Apple Bobbing

1900: Ritual of hipsters blow-drying their beards.

1930: Trick or Treat (choice of costumes - Seumas Milne, Michael Gove or Paul Hollywood. The traitor).

2000: Hunting of the Trump - in which the Community try to find the mythological creature that is half monster half drivel. And which, if caught, dissolves in a pool of perma-tan until only its hair is left.

2100: Burning of the Wicker Baby. Strictly an experimental all-age ritual, part of our concept of "Messy Paganism." We may have to drop this if reviews are unfavourable.

2130: Serving of the Pumpkin Pie.

2131: Remembering why we never eat Pumpkin Pie.

2200: Burning of the Wicker Rabbit. Again, this may not become a regular fixture.

2230: Ghost hunt in Bogwulf chapel. NB since we know there is a real Black Shuck hangs out there, we advise this should be more of a thought experiment. Imagine a cow-sized black dog with green eyes that sucks your soul out through your navel? Yeah. That's certainly why I avoid the place afte dark.

2300: Being chased around the place by fundamentalists with forks and pitchforks. Same as every year.

Midnight: Burning of the Wicker Man. No complaints expected.


  1. Will the Worship Group be performing "Bat Out Of Hell" ?

    1. I hope so. That's my favourite item on the agenda. :D


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