Liturgy for a Bishop Closing Down a Choir Concert

Based on these curious events 

Hymn: "I'm gonna make you love me"

Bishop of Fulham: Oh no, you're not.

Audience: Oh - is it panto?

Bishop: Can you stop this racket?

Audience: Who are you? And why are you in a dressing gown?

Bishop: I'm the Bishop of Fulham.

All: It's what you do.

Bishop: The night is over.

All: And the day lies open before us.

Bishop: No, that's the door out that lies open before you. You know what to do.

A Small Child may ask: 

Small Child: But why do you have no shoes?

Bishop: I don't need shoes.

Small Child: Why not?

Bishop: Because I'm a flying bishop.

Drummer: Boom-tish

Bishop: I'm here all week. Which is more than you are. Get out.

Recessional: Dancing Queen

With thanks to Alice Goodman for the tip-off and "it's what I do" joke

Archdruid Eileen's Sermon on AI

 There appears to be a sudden upsurge in people asking whether Artificial Intelligence can be used to generate sermons. Apparently, this is what all the tired clergy-dudes are doing when they don't have the time to write sermons because they're too busy doing the jobs of circuit stewards, or they have no church wardens. 

And I admit. I have used AI on occasion to write a sermon. But you can count the number of times on the fingers of one hand: 

• The  sermon on 1 Corinthians 13, which was awesome in its generic nature. Quite correct, but deeply unoriginal.
• The sermon on Psalm 137:9 - where it refused to condone violence
• The other sermon on Psalm 137:9 - where it wholeheartedly endorsed genocide (I think they'd tweaked a setting)
• The sermon on John 3:16 - where it told me it was not allowed to comment on Biblical texts.
• The sermon on the Sermon on the Mount and the Sermon on the Plain. Where it told me that high church people prefer the former, and low church people the latter.
• The sermon on Ecclesiastes, where it became really sad and refused to tell me what it really thought.
• The sermon on Revelation, where it just span off and started shouting "kill kill kill". 

So on the whole, a mixed result. I would say that the best thing to do with AI sermons, is not.

Commemoration of Ozzy Osbourne (1948-2025)

 Tomorrow's amended programme is as follows:

10 am - Being hung upside down by Don Arden's heavies (not sexy slang)

1 pm- Biting the heads off bats

4 pm - Being paranoid

7 pm - Just generally swearing in a vaguely Brummie kind of Way

10 pm - Howling at the Moon 

Introductions to Paul by EP Sanders

 

When AI took over Wimbledon

There has been concern about poor line calls by computer at Wimbledon. 

But they're barely trying at the moment.

Given the current levels of accuracy in AI, it's only so long before a tennis player receives a call of "offside". Or possibly "knock on", whatever that is (the Beaker Folk have never been in favour of  the game invented by the Revd Webb-Ellis). 

But what is sure is that Wimbledon is under real threat. What happens when their Artificial Intelligence Overlords decide to replace the ball-children with wombles? Wombles are notoriously efficient. But their habit of travelling overground and underground means the integrity of Centre Court is at risk.

And if AI truly takes over then the whole integrity of the history of Wimbledon is at risk. Who is to say that Vinnie Jones didn't win the men's singles in 1986? Who can put their hands on their hearts and say that Tim Henman didn't win the title ten years running? The entire record of this pointless, inexplicable sport, with a scoring system based around the quarter-hours on a clock, is at risk. When we're told that the points are 15, 30, Pi, and 19.45 - who will stand up for the truth versus the convenient lie?

(Image is Virginia Wade as "Girl with Dolphin". It's true that our Jubilee Grand Slam winner was once used as a nude model for a bronze on London's north bank.

Or is it? Maybe AI is just taking over our entire history.