I've had a flurry of complaints regarding this morning's Little Pebbles Circle Time, where I talked about the abolition of slavery.
Apparently, opposing slavery is "woke". William Wilberforce was a "cuck" and Harriet Tubman was "a snowflake who couldn't cope with having to do a hard day's work."
So I'm pouring oil on trouble waters next week. Our subject will be "The KKK : two sides to every story?"
I get wet when it rains. What can we do about it?
Leaves. Why do the leafy little beggars keep falling off trees at this time of year?
A pheasant ran under my car and now I don't know what life is for.
Is it just me or are the nights drawing in?
Why are people on trains just slightly too annoying?
Why when walking on the beach do my shoes get sandy?
Drosophila. Something should be done.
We don't get radon in the West Midlands. Sometimes that makes me sad.
Don't you hate it that lifts only go up and down?*
Baked Beans are such a dull orange colour, aren't they?
A man spoke to me in London and now I don't know how to feel.
How come the Guardian pays me so much money to make so little sense, and I'm not even Simon Jenkins?
* with apologies to Douglas Adams
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| Things could only be better if it rained. |
As Saint Paul said, "...he appointed some to be apostles, others to be prophets, others to be evangelists, others to be pastors and teachers, and others to be Connexional Worship Renewal Team Leaders." Which is the new job being advertised in the Methodist church.
So, as a former member of the Extremely Primitive Methodists myself, I flicked through to the job. Thing is, I know that apostles are sent out. Prophets prophesy. Evangelists share the good news. Pastors care, and teachers teach. So there must be a simple description of what a Connexional Worship Renewal Team Leader does.
And here it is.
"Empower all of those leading worship through support and development.
Operationalise and manage the Worship Renewal stream of the Methodist Church in Britain’s God For All ambition and strategy.
This will include working strategically; embedding deep learning and practice; envisaging and developing exceptional training and resourcing for all those involved in worship leading; managing staff, workplans and budgets; and being responsible for the governance aspects which sit within this role."
Which I reckon, when Jesus set the twelve aside to be apostles, was also what he said. But St Mark cut that as he was in a hurry and he only had so much parchment.
The thing about churches adopting business terminology is this. If you work in business, and things get hard, all the Transformation Directors, Future Shape Development Envisioners and Logistics Chain Re-Invigorators get the sack, and you focus on the people who do things, make things, and sell things. You can afford the luxury of highly-paid undefinable jobs when things are easy.
In the Church, it seems to work the other way round.
There's a toll booth on the Rainbow Bridge.
It's a busy place. There's not just the loved dogs and cats to let over. If a cat can be a pet, then why not a few chickens in the garden? And if they're allowed over, what about a factory-farmed chicken?
Or an ant? Or an amoeba?
The Covid virus is not allowed over of course. It isn't living.
But sparrows (which may be ten a penny but the creator knows each one), aardwolves, aardvarks, all the other anteaters and earwigs - all in their turn will flop, flap or fly over that rainbow bridge, heading to a brighter place
And you may say I'm dreamer. But if you do, please don't sing it to that terrible tune. But if you can imagine all those creatures going over that mythical Bifröst bridge, racing to get over it before night falls on the universe - then maybe that gives a hint of a place beyond place, a time beyond time, when there is a new heaven and a new earth and all creation is renewed through the blood of the One that loves it.
So it's busy, that toll booth on the Rainbow Bridge, but the toll is already paid at great cost - nothing and everything. Even for the earwigs.
Well I don't know if the BBC are going to move out of the pilot phase with their new radio panel show, "Just an Hour". It'll be difficult to find that much space, with all the time they give to Reform. But I thoroughly enjoyed it.
It's a new twist on that staple and favourite, "Just a Minute". Except that the competitors are all church worship leaders. And they get an hour. And the subject is always "the next song and what it means to me."
Hesitation is rarely an issue for the contestants as they fill every space with "Just". Although that word is excluded from "repetition", for obvious reasons.
But it's so hard to judge deviation. Kayleigh's mother once having had a weird feeling while walking down the street may or may not be relevant to why you eventually announce we're singing "What a Wonderful Name." While quoting the entire book of Isaiah before "Servant King" is blatantly cheating.
Anyway. By the time each contestant has introduced one hymn, the show is four hours long. Which is going to more than fill the gap left by "In Our Time".
Would I rather spend four hours listening to worship leaders introducing songs through dodgy theology or random anecdotes, or would I rather listen to Chris Mason soft-soaping a Reform leader? It's hard to say.
Can't we just have "In Our Time" back?
Well I heard that David had a chord
with which he used to praise the Lord.
But it was a Bbm7, and he had to use a capo
So he got laughed at by the other temple musicians.
Day off today, as I went down to Luton for Auntie Deidre's funeral. Quite a bash. Thankfully Burton Dasset picked us up from Bedford Station as we poured off the train.
Deidre had got quite carried away after watching a funerals advert on UK Gold. She was quite insistent that she wanted her funeral to be a real celebration.
And we were very happy to honour her wishes.
She was a ghastly woman. It was a real celebration.
I think it's time we rediscovered the Biblical model of slavery.
We hear a lot about the Biblical model of marriage. Here's an instance from the Gospel Coalition. Oddly, it's quoted 2 Samuel 3 as being against forced marriage. But no mention of Deuteronomy 22, where that is precisely what is commended. But I've already digressed. Focus, Eileen. Focus.
We hear a lot less about the Biblical model of slavery. Which is a great shame, I think. The problems of stagnant wages, under-employment, and middle-class people having to do their own cooking could all be solved if we rediscovered the true Biblical purpose of this institution, as originally commended by God in the books of Exodus and Leviticus.
And in those books we find that we are allowed to enslave people from our own nation - as long as we only keep them for six years. Which is far more enlightened than the modern bankruptcy rules. Anyone who fails to keep up with the mortgage, according to Exodus 21, should be enslaved by the bank. This will clear their debts, while allowing the bank to get cheap cleaning staff. All completely Biblical. It should be stressed that you are forbidden from physically beating cleaning staff from your own country. For that, you need foreigners.
"But Eileen", I hear you say. Or would, if you weren't out in the orchard picking the worms out of the windfall apples. "That's the Old Testament. Surely the New Testament wouldn't be like that?"
To which I reply, please use the term "Hebrew Bible" rather than "Old Testament" .Very supersessionist, that is.
And then I reply, "let's have a look at the book of Philemon."
In which we discover the true Christian model of slavery.
Onesimus - whose name - ho-ho - means "Useful" has run away from Philemon. He has wound up with Paul. And has become a Christian.
Does Paul tell Philemon to set him free? No. Paul respects Philemon's property rights. Which are, let's face it, the basis of civilisation. Does Paul suggest he might set him free? He does. But note that Paul then goes on to ask that Philemon gets a guest bed made up for him, when Paul himself visits.
Who do you imagine Paul is expecting to make the bed up for him? Not gonna be Philemon, is it? He's a busy man. You can imagine the scene as Onesimus returns to Philemon's house.
Onesimus: "Forgive me, master, for I have sinned."
Philemon: "Give me that letter." (he breaks the seal and reads)
Philemon: "OK you're forgiven. Now go and get a guest bed made up. I've no idea why Paul sent this scroll with you if he's coming himself."
Onesimus: "He's a bit locked up at the moment..."
Philemon: "Fine. And when you've finished in the guest room, kill the fatted calf."
Onesimus: "Oh, you're celebrating my return?"
Philemon: "No. I've got friends round."
There you have the true Biblical model of slavery. Maintaining healthy employee relations. With very little beating. And always strongly slanted in favour of the wealthy.
