Liturgy for the Battle of Hastings 950th Anniversary

Hymn: The War Song (B. George)

The Holy Grove of St Bogwulf stands empty, the last shreds of mist melting in the sun's strengthening rays.

Afar off, a knell is rung softly.

The Incense Bloke burns the big pan of myrrh, filling the grove with a sorrowful essence of mourning and grieving.

A procession enters the grove - it is one half of the Beaker Folk, dressed as house carls.

Archdruid: There they are, Normans!  Get them!

Aldoue of Brittany: Who are you calling a Norman?

Archdruid: Breton low life!  Charge anyway!

The other half of the Beaker Folk tear into the grove, dressed as Normans (and one stroppy Breton)

Blows are exchanged with authentic replica weapons (rolled up newspapers) 

The Norman crossbowmen put in a withering barrage of Nerf darts.

The Saxons are driven from the field.

Albert Steptoe: 'Arold?

Harold: Not now, Farther. I have something in my eye.

Archdruid: And so the last successful invasion of England took place.

Hnaef: Apart from when the Dutch invaded.

Archdruid: The Dutch? Oh yeah, right.

Nigel Farage: And the Belgians.

Archdruid: Now you're just making it up.

Hymn: War (What is it good for?) (E. Starr - to "Stanford" in A)

Those 10 Things You Didn't Know About Halloween

Ah, it comes earlier every year, doesn't it? Already, it seems, the shops are full of pumpkins and the screams of the damned, and we know Halloween is nearly upon us.

But few know the true history of Halloween. What are those secrets of Halloween that have been forgotten?

1. Halloween was invented by the ancient Aztecs. Every 31 October they would kick their enemies' heads around their cities and light lamps in the skulls of revered ancestors. In later years these traditions were replaced by footballs and pumpkins respectively.

2. The Catholic Church, having persuaded the Aztecs to stop being such heathens by killing them all, brought the use of punkies and footballs back to Europe, where they spread alongside tobacco. Although newsagents had to stop selling pumpkins in packs of 20 as the shelves kept collapsing.

3. When modern children have a kick-about or carve a punkie, they therefore have no idea that they are metaphorically booting that big lad in Year 7's head around, or making a traditional use of Aunt Sophie's cranium. In this way the evil ways of the past are unknowingly carried into our children's lives in the guise of innocent games.

4. Bobbing for apples is a recreation of the ancient Babylonian method of execution, that involved shoving the criminal's head into a bucket of water and then throwing apples at his head. It was a slow death, and one that got a lot of water on the carpet.

5. On Halloween this year the spirits will walk from midnight until dawn. Except in Surrey where, due to the ongoing dispute between Southern Rail and the RMT, they've been drafted in to run a skeleton service.

6. "Trick or Treat" is a degraded folk memory of the invasion of Celtic  Britain by the Saxons. The blond-haired invaders would go from house to house demanding mead and other delicacies. And then burn the Celts' houses down anyway.

7. The equivalent of the foolish rozzer burnt in a Wicker Man at Mayday is called the "Trump". The "Trump" is selected as the most implausible and aggressive boor in the village. He is made to stand on the village green telling lies until, as his life force is sucked out and his body becomes transparent, everyone can see through him. In Mexico he retains his ancient Catholic title, "Murifex Maximus."

8. Skeleton staff, geddit.

9. When organising a "Light Party" some liberal churches may hold them on 1 November, so the kids can celebrate Halloween as well.

10. This year's most popular Halloween masks are Seumas Milne and the formerly disgraced former former minister, Liam Fox. Don't have nightmares.

Litany for Samsung Note 7 Users

Samsung Note 7 Users: Woe is me. For I am an user of an exploding mobile.

Samsung: The new ones are safe!

A new Samsung 7 explodes, igniting the tea lights stand.

Apple Users: We are the smug. We spent a fortune and sold our children into slavery to buy iPhones and now we have priceless objects of desire that explode not, neither do they set fire to the kitchen like unto a tumble dryer.

Archdruid: Is that your alarm going off?

Apple User: Yea. Behold the latest update hath messed with the calendar function....

A Samsung 7 user spontaneously combusts

Samsung 7 Users: What can we do? Without constant access to Facebook the people perish.
Bereft we walk in darkness
Our eyes see only the real world.
We walk in a land of real, fleshy human beings
We have to meet potential partners by talking to people and having common interests.
We have to make conversation with  our families
and make small talk even in pubs.
We are confronted with people who don't agree with our politics
and have to go all through the night watches without signing some virtue-signalling petition.
And behold Bake Off is really boring without a running commentary on Twitter.
How long?
Will this endure forever
or shall we just buy another phone?

Archdruid: Hang on, is Burton speaking in tongues?

All: No. He's just trying to pronounce "Huawei."

St Kirsty's Night: Trump to a T

Now as far as I'm aware, Kirsty MacColl never met Donald Trump.

Which is odd. Because she wrote a song all about him.

My oh my, you're such a big boy.... I assume the request for a "great big hand" is ironic.

St Kirsty's Day

To celebrate St Kirsty's Day this year we will feature this fantastic video. Which I was totally unaware of.

Funny, ironic - Terry really is such a great guy, you know. And she dances like a young woman in 1983. Badly, in other words.

God bless you, Kirsty. I hope the fish are flying where you are. And England are still beating Colombia.

One Came Back

Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!” When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed. One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan. Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.” (Luke 17:11-19)

When I was very young I caught the skin disease impetigo. And let's face it there's nothing worse than an illness you can't spell. It was itchy, and it spread into every scratch and graze on your body. And eight year olds get lots of scratches. And they treated it by treating all affected areas with gentian violet. Which meant a considerable part of me was purple.

If you got impetigo - which is annoying but not often serious - in Jesus's time you probably had more serious problems. And not just impetigo but probably ringworm or psoriasis as well. You would be called a "leper". To be a leper was to be an outcast. Leviticus 13 laid down the law:

The priest shall surely pronounce him unclean; his sore is on his head. “Now the leper on whom the sore is, his clothes shall be torn and his head bare; and he shall cover his mustache, and cry, ‘Unclean! Unclean!’ He shall be unclean. All the days he has the sore he shall be unclean. He is unclean, and he shall dwell alone; his dwelling shall be outside the camp.

The priest declared the leper unclean, and it was the priests' job to declare lepers clean again. But they had to stay away - so they wandered out in the country asking for assistance.

When Jesus heals the lepers, he's not just making them better in a physical way. He's also restoring their place in society. They can go to the priests now. They can be called " clean". They can go to worship. They can see their families. Their whole lives are restored.

A massive turnaround in their lives. And they run off to enjoy it.

All except one. The one who turns round, comes back, and says thanks. And that one is a Samaritan, one who the Jews thought as unclean as a leper. In Harry Potter terms, a mudblood - not actually Jewish, but having the same God.

He comes back to the Jewish rabbi who has healed him - and says thanks.

So some questions:

Did the Samaritan come back because he'd been doubly excluded - and therefore doubly blessed by Jesus?

What does this do to our ideas of the right and wrong people - whom we like to see worshipping with us, and whom we don't?

What does it tell us when churches so often line up with the powerful and not the excluded? Are we called to the marginalized or to power?

What further blessing was it that the Jewish lepers missed out on, because they never said thanks?

And if Jesus blesssd the Samaritan leper because he came back and said thanks for being healed: how much more should we give thanks, to the one who died to heal the divison between God and human beings, and through his resurrection lifts us up to heaven?

Trump That

Evangelical leaders in the States  (though not all of them) continue to support the three-times-married, serial adulterer, self-confessed sexual assaulter Donald Trump.

I'm sure that, given this is all about policies not character, they'd support him just as much if he were gay?

Suspension of Godwin's Law

I am announcing the immediate suspension of Godwin's Law within the bounds of the community.

Not to put too fine a point on it, there's no good  having Godwin's law when everything I say is compared to what the Nazis would have done. Although I find it hard to believe, frankly, that they would have goose-stepped into the Moot House this morning for Pouring out of Beakers. In these shoes? I don't think so.

In other news, the fracas in the bar last night. Yes, a few Beaker People did get a bit hurt with all the pebbles and tea lights that were thrown away. But it was just the kind of thing that happens when people with strong views on the meaning of 1 Corinthians 13 disagree.

Meanwhile we continue under new leadership, which is remarkably exactly the same as the old leadership.

Ceremonial Virtue Signalling

Archdruid: Things are so bad, aren't they?

All: I've signed a petition.

Archdruid: Would you do things like that?

All: Nope. I've signed a petition.

Archdruid: And that is shocking.

All: Yep. But we've shared a post by George Takei.

Archdruid: Thank goodness. We're the good guys then?

All: Yep. It's just all the rest.

St Francis' Day Barbecue

Reminder to all Beaker Folk that at 10 am we will be celebrating the Apostle to Our Dumb Chums with our All Things Bright and Beautiful service. In which we remember that God created all animals, and they share in the universal song of praise.

Then our St Francis Day Barbecue Lunch. We've got the usual hamburgers, lamb chops and chicken skewers but also, now the shooting season is open, Hnaef will be showing us a new pheasant speciality . There will be a quiche option for the ovo-lacto-vegetarians. And for the vegans there's some tomatoes.

All Purpose Pet Service Liturgy

At this time of year, many churches celebrate a "Pet Service" to celebrate the feast of that famous saint and animal lover, Dawn French. This liturgy brings together the Pet Services of many traditions in an ecumenical "melange". Like HP Sauce. Which goes so nicely with many forms of meat.


Hymn: All Things Bright and Beautiful

Confession

Archdruid: We acknowledge that we have let our furry and scaly friends down. And we are feeling...

Dogs: Ruff!

Archdruid: We have eaten many of our dumb little friends and we know that since, intellectually speaking, there ain't much between a cat and a cow, we're probably getting a bit hypocritical at this point...

Peta: Too right!  Meat is Murder!

Archdruid: And Milk is Manslaughter. For though we do not consume an actual animal, yet merely in drinking milk we are subsidising the price of veal and the contents of meat pies...

Bloke in Dodgy Ancient Middle Eastern Dress: Blessed are the cheesemakers.

All: NO MONTY PYTHON!

At this point the terriers may notice that there are hamsters on the premises.

Archdruid: And so I shall lay on the ground and eat leeks and think of the Good Life with Richard Briers and Felicity Kendall.....

Men of a Certain Age: Ah! Felicity Kendall!

Archdruid: .....and will eat meat no more. Except maybe some nice rabbit pie.

Hnaef: Flopsy! Put your paws over your ears!

Archdruid: As St Francis might have said, "Do you want fries with that?"

All: Because he was a friar fryer.

Archdruid: Can we please try and mention animals without remembering that they're made of meat?

Peruvian Ecumenical Guests: Pass that guinea pig Eileen. Hnaef's just got the barbecue going!

HYMN: If I were an Octupus (I'd taste quite nice in a Portugese dish involving some spicy herbs).

Archdruid: Go in fleece

Sheep: Baah!