A Plea to another Imaginary Strong Woman

The Beaker tradition is that we start reading Thomas Hardy's "Under the Greenwood Tree" every year on Xmas Eve. This year, I kept to the tradition.

Of course, the nature of life is such that you never know how far you will progress. So far I've just reached "Autumn".

And the concerns of Miss Fancy Day have merged with my listening this evening  to the music of Kirsty MacColl. Which is never going to incline me to the dominant male's view on life.

Fancy Day is on the verge of committing herself to Dick. I say, "don't do it, Fancy!" Why should Fancy be the only woman in Hardy's dream-world who doesn't end up producing children who will suck the life out of her, or be at risk of death themselves? Hardy's most cuddly-bunny novel is, at the same time, as devoid of hope as any other. Ten kids then a sad bereavement is my guess.

Fancy Day! We're 150 years apart, and both imaginary! My plea is simple... ditch Dick and join an Anglo-Catholic order of nuns! You know it makes sense.

A Happy Social Medium

One thing I forgot to mention in my Social Media teach-in the other day. Don't forget, if you set up a church website, to ensure that you dedicate the bulk of the home page to the history of the church's architecture. Make sure your visitors are well aware that the past is much more important than the present life of the church.

But that is a mere digression. What I really wanted to tell you about is some of the more radical ways that churches can utilise modern technology. This is where you can really make a few quid and/or evangelistic endeavours according to preference.

Foursquare, for example, gives me a great pastoral opportunity to keep an eye on what my little flock are up to. If they are wandering aimlessly around the place, trying to find some meaning in life, I can see that by the repeated check-ins. When Young Keith and Hnaef were repeatedly taking mayorship of the White Horse from each other, I suggested they might need a bit of a break. And when Molloy became mayor of that strip joint near Markyate, I was able to make a fortune in indulgences.

And then, using Smartphone apps, we've replaced the "Embarrassing hug of Peace" with the "Bump of Peace". Everybody just waves their phones in the general direction of other people's. There's no danger of cross-infection from each other's hands, no scary close physical encounters with people you'd avoid like the plague the rest of the time. Just a friendly "bump" at a safe distance.

Then there's Bluetooth. I've had to tone down our original drive-by marketing evangelism strategy since I brought it back from Young Keith's control. It wasn't helping our reputation. "This is God - shouldn't you pop in?" was one of the things he made pop-up on some passing innocent's phone. And "You might drive into a wall - this could be your last chance to confess before you GO TO HELL" actually made someone drive off the road. Obviously, we argued in court that he shouldn't have checked the message when he was driving, and got away with it. So now I've turned the signal down, and focussed on pedestrians. These days our wayside e-pulpit just pumps anodyne comments like "Don't look down at your phone - look up at the heavens!" as you go past.

We've really got into near-field payments, of course. What a boon that is. We just choose a random amount (or "divinely-ordained appropriation of funds" and take it off the punters' contactless cards in our "off-e-rtorium". We keep the pin-pad up by the Worship Focus, so if we ever have to get authorisation, nobody really likes to object. Nobody likes a skinflint.

Broom with a View

And so the Flower-arrangers / Coffee-makers war has a new front.

Those people that cycle down here have always been banned from wheeling their cycles into the kitchen and across to the bike shed. The Cleaners have seen to that. Many a loud tut has been heard, and complaints that "you'll make the floor dirty". The cyclists' response - that the tyres have only been on the same ground as other people's feet - has been met by the counter that they don't wipe their tyres.

But now, declaring that they are fighting for freedom, they have made a common front with the Flower-arrangers, wheeled their bikes into the building and locked them up outside the cupboard with the espresso machines.

But they'll be really angry when they get out and find the awful revenge the Coffee-makers and Cleaners have taken. Turns out they had nothing to lose but their chains.

A toothpick-shaped hole

Dear Readers, it's been worrying me awfully.

I have a multi-purpose pen-knife. I hasten to add it is not one of the official multi-purpose pen-knives of the Swiss Army, but it is a multi-purpose tool, incorporating a knife, for all that.

It has a large-ish sized blade, a small-ish blade. A corkscrew, a flat-bladed screwdriver that doubles as a bottle-opener. There is a thing for getting the stones out of horses' hooves. A needle whose use defies the imagination. A hooky-kind of thing. A can-opener that pierces the tops of bottles until you remember it's the can-opener, not the bottle-opener.

And there are two slots - one formerly containing a tooth pick, and one a pair of eyebrow tweezers.

I am unsure where the tooth pick and the tweezers went. My suspicion is that the Archdruid's niece, Alesha, "borrowed" them to (a) replace a Nintendo DS stylus and (b) pluck her eyebrows. I cannot prove this - it is merely a suspicion.

I have never used either the tooth pick nor the tweezers. I never plan to. I have perfectly serviceable teeth and eyebrows, without the need for artificial aids. But nevertheless, I have two slots in my multi-purpose knife that no longer serve their purpose.

I feel like I have two gaps in my life. And no means of resolving the issue. It hurts.

Keep Calm and Carry Secateurs

We seem to have entered the "phony war" stage in the battle between the Coffee-Makers and the Flower-Arrangers. The espresso machine is still in the Gypsophila cupboard. There have (so far) been no oases thrown at anyone. It's all too damn quiet, Carruthers.

All be over by Christmas

I've been asked to post the following statement from Darcy O'Hare, the convenor of our Flower Arrangers' Guild.

"Some will be aware that there has been a degree of friction recently between the Flower Arrangers and the Coffee-makers.

The Coffee makers have recently been expressing a need for more space. We could understand this. Coffee mornings are still very popular, and the increased need for supplies for Cafe Church has made the situation more difficult. So we agreed that they could store their sugar in the cupboard used by the Ladies Bright Hour. The Bright Hour didn't object (or, at least, we didn't listen to them) and so this was all very agreeable.

But the Coffee Makers decided that, as part of their so-called "technological arms race", they needed a new espresso machine, and wanted to store it in the Gypsophila Cupboard. Naturally we objected - where can we keep our Gypsophila if there's an espresso machine in the cupboard? But the Coffee-makers would not back down.

Yesterday I woke to find an espresso machine in the Gypsophila Cupboard. I asked for assurances that the machine would be removed. This morning I have received no such assurances.

The Flower Arrangers are now, therefore, at war with the Coffee-makers.

May God bless us all."

On the Hugging of Trees

People often ask me - why do we hug trees? And I always say to them - consider the alternatives.

Badgers bite, bees sting. If you hug a fish you will get wet. Snakes come in two varieties - ones you shouldn't hug because they might hug you back, and ones with venomous teeth.

Warning - do not eat

It's safest not to hug other Beaker people. By sheer chance, occasionally a Beaker Person might hug a suitable other Beaker Person (within the meaning of the Hugging Equality Act 2002), but the risks of being involved in a hug with the wrong kind of person are just too high. You might end up hugging someone you really wish you hadn't, or you might find that the person you're hugging takes out a court order against you.

Hugging telegraph poles is like hugging a tree, but there are four obvious reasons why you wouldn't:
a) They're not alive. They're dead trees.
b) They leak creosote
c) People who see you doing it will avoid you
d) Dogs have uses for them.

So you're down to trees, teddy bears and cuddly pets. In practice most pets aren't that cuddly - cuddle the Earless Beaker Bunny and you will have a future of being able to count to nine at most. Teddy bears have almost no religious purposes. Well, OK - just the one.

So that's why we hug trees. Trees represent the primeval earth-force, surging up into the sky - if deciduous, a symbol of dying and rising each year, while evergreens symbolise eternal life. Yggdrasil, the world-ash, joins heaven and earth. The oak speaks of strength, and the holly and the ivy - yeah, you know that one.

So we hug trees to affirm and be strengthened by their mystic connotations. And, as I've just illustrated, we actually have no alternatives.

A shocking development

I've woken up to a dozen complaints about Marston running around the Moot  House with an electronic police stun-gun at last night's supposedly restful and peaceful event.

Next time I ask someone to lead an act of worship, I will write the request down. Or at least speak more slowly. Or maybe just improve my French accent.

But I certainly won't be asking Marston to lead another Taize service.

Best Practice in Church Social Media Use

This idea that the Church is old hat on technology is just so wrong. The Church has been at the forefront ever since the invention of the printing press.  And when Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses on the Wittenberg Door, he was just four feet off being a real pioneer and posting them on its Wall.

Of course, some would say what's wrong with just printing a very small notice sheet up on the church door so everyone can read it? That is, normally, on the inside door - the one inside the porch. The porch that's got another door, or a set of gates, or a kind of chicken-wire door to keep the birds out. So the notice sheet is very easily readable, and you can see what time Sunday's service is, on Sunday when the gate is unlocked for the service.

But in the interest of people thinking of making a Luther-like leap into the darkness, and going with the flow, here are my suggestions for the best ways to use Social Media for your church. And when I say "best ways", I mean "ways I have seen".

Facebook

Normal practice is to create a church page, with a small picture of the church. Try to avoid including contact details of clergy or the church office, as this might run the risk of making their phone ring. Likewise, try to avoid including any news - especially if interesting events - as this might mean you have to try to get on with new people.
For obvious reasons, you shouldn't post pictures of children from the church. But if I were you I'd avoid posting pictures of anyone at all from the church. Their neighbours might discover they go to church, and they'd never live down the embarrassment. Especially if they're a clergy, and are keeping it quiet. So my advice is to have a few random photos of gravestones. They can't sue you, they can be quite picturesque, and though they're dated they never go out of date.

Or why not just post up all the urban myth scare stories and fake moral outrages that sweep across Facebook from time to time? It's more interesting than a "Wayside Pulpit" and more likely to get shared.

Another alternative is for your church to take on a Facebook persona all of its own, and run amok sending "friend" invites, inviting people to buy a chicken from them in Farmville, or advertising its own scheme for losing 2 lbs every week using a weird tip. You may not find anyone new turning up at church, but you'll have a ball and you may make a few quid.

e-mail

Still a useful way of getting news out to a well-defined group of people who might already be bought into the church's vision. Prayer lists, community news, events advertising are all convenient. But when you're about to email "vicar@stmitholmroyds.org.uk" with a missive detailing Doris's haemorrhoidal situation, bear in mind that Outlook can auto-complete email addresses. So if you have a mail group in your address book such as "vicar and PCC", and you don't check too carefully, you may find Doris's condition gets more prayerful attention than she really wanted. 

Tumblr

See under "Pinterest"

Old-fashioned Website

More traditional than the social alternatives is the "Website". The ideal church website will contain:

• A picture of the last vicar, grinning unnervingly, with the message "a warm welcome awaits you at St Mitholmroyd's".
• Mystifying minutes from church meetings, leaving you wondering who Mrs Simmonite is, why she will not receive the chalice from Mr Dorchester, what a female sidesman might be called, and why Methodists like circuit training.
• "Thought for the month" from the vicar-before-last, reflecting that the Millennium is a time to take stock of the way we treat the planet, as otherwise Norfolk will be underwater by 2008.
• The notices from April 2003.
• The use of the words "Perpendicular", "Gothic Revival" and misericords", with no clue as to what they mean.
• A list of all the former ministers, with dates, and an excitingly rapid turnover around 1645.*
• Some under-exposed photos of the Green Man on the ceiling of the Chapel of St Swithin.
• An appeal for money for the "Big hole in the roof appeal"
• A scanned-in image of a hand-drawn map of "how to find us", not showing the motorway that was built across Church Lane last year.
• An animated .gif of a thermometer.
• A Forward-in-Faith logo even though, after the vote during the last interregnum, the current vicar is called "Elsie".
• No contact phone number, email address, feedback form, Facebook or Twitter link. Ideally, if you're in a small village, try to obscure even the county you're in.

An impassioned, inspiring page of immense relevance to the passing web-browser is always very useful content. This was probably written by some theological geek in response to the request in the notices one Sunday morning for "anything interesting for the Church Website". Or else it's the pastor's personal hobby-horse. Some example subjects might be:

• "The Church of England did not become Protestant at the Reformation";
• "Why Prelapsarianism is wrong"
• "Explaining Athanasius in Klingon"
• "It's King James or Hell"
• "Marty's thoughts on the Gospel of Thomas"
• "Why Baptists pre-date the Bible"
• "Lace - the Lord's parting gift to his Church"
• "2012 - the year the world ends"

Best of all, try to get one of each of these in. It gives the impression of balance.

If you are a rural Anglican church, in a multi-parish benefice, try not to mention the other villages with which you are yoked. Or, if you do, try to work in that ancient sheep-stealing grudge or local hatred that goes back to being on opposite sides in the Civil War.

Try not to get the news pages up to date - it will give the impression that somebody at the church is still alive. And do try to throw in the odd reference to "This new Internet thing".

Twitter

Like the platform itself, the uses of church Twitter accounts are manifold and marvellous.

Tumbleweed

One old classic is the account with no followers, no following, and just one tweet, along the lines of

"Just starting out - I wonder how I use this thing?"

You find yourself wondering what happened next. Did the author then sit back and wait for the retweets to flood in, and then sign out, feeling that Twitter had let itself down? Did they realise they'd wondered long enough how to use the thing? Did they just become overwhelmed with the thought of the amount of work and creativity that lay ahead if they wanted to create a real Twitter presence?

Vicarbot

Then there's the "vicarbot" approach. Using an API, you can generate inspiration thoughts every three hours along the lines of  "Sparrows are ten a penny. That's why you can use them to make a healthy, low-cost stew". Of course, if you don't have the programming ability to write a Twitter API, you can instead just tell the minister to tweet the sorts of things s/he says to people s/he meets in the street, all the time.

An alternative to the "vicarbot" is simply to tweet a Biblical passage every few hours. Because Christians no longer have time to read the Bible - they're all on Twitter - you will acquire quite a few followers in the end.

Faith Warrior

Or why not use the church account to become a "faith warrior"? Prowl the badlands of Twitterville, picking fights with Richard Dawkins, other less well-paid atheists, people who are openly Catholic, or anyone else. Make sure your bio says "Tweets may not reflect the views of St Agatha's."

Fluffy Imaginary Characters

Actually, this is the best Church use of Twitter I've encountered so far. Fluffy (or feathery) imaginary characters is what they invented Twitter for. Remember what the logo is, after all.

Pinterest

No idea. Sorry.

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*This might actually be useful, in attracting hits from Local History Buffs. They're the sort of people that might well want to come to church, if only to check out the monuments.

Festival of Sub-creation

Today's "Festival of Sub-creation" is cancelled.

It was to be a celebration of the way we share in the divine creative nature, in our own way creating new things from what we have been given.

But unfortunately we've left it all to the last minute, and we can't think what to do. So we're going to be lighting some tea lights instead.

A Horse, A Horse...

I notice that the identity of alleged child-murderer Richard III under a car park in Leicester has been confirmed. But the press release from Leicestershire County Council manages not to mention the suspicious circumstances in which Richard ascended the throne at all.

Now, clearly there is no chance of proof beyond reasonable doubt of guilt at this point. And the chances of witnesses coming forward at this point are, frankly, slight. So we're never going to know the truth. Best re-inter him, with a degree of dignity, and without too much hoopla, I say. I'm glad to see that this notorious non-Yorkshireman is not going to be "returned" to York. Leicester and Fotheringhay were the only two candidates as far as I could see, and Fotheringhay already has enough associations with another ambiguous "innocent" "hero".

I suppose life was writ big if you were in the 15th/16th Century Royal Family. You won, or you died. Richard did both. History does not record if, when he was buried, the monks of Leicester Abbey arranged to have "My Way" played - but at least in Richard's case it would be true.