Not a Pratchett on the Original

Some troll in the Guardian is saying Terry Pratchett was a mediocre writer.

Well, what can I say? "The Colour of Magic" is a book that transformed my teens. Like Douglas Adams, that other genius of spoof fantasy/sci fi, Pratchett went with an idea and drove it to perfection. Opened our imaginations with humour that danced on a beam from that weirdly-calculated sun.

Drove it with more rigour and imagination and more consistently, even relentlessly, than Adams. You can't better the way that the geography and cosmology of the Discworld, with its little sun, elephants and turtle are worked out. It's a little world of utter brilliance, and sustained for so long.

And to compare Pratchett's work with Mansfield Park? Now that's a good novel. But it's basically a story of how good girls, if they keep their noses clean and their traps shut, can make their way in the world through marrying rich vicars.

Is that really the sort of message the Guardian wants its readers to buy into? If so all their other articles have been way off beam these fifty years or so. I mean, it's hardly Equal Rites, is it?

I'm just dispatching a Luggage (with loads of dear little legs and a nasty attitude) off to Grauniad Towers. If it doesn't come back with the right journalist, it can just put itself straight in the Wicker Man ready for Samhain.

Letters to the Church Magazine

Monthly letters page for the Trim Valley Benefice came out yesterday.

Nathan says it's early because the Bank Holiday. I reckon he's forgotten how to schedule things in Wordpress.

Keeping it Clean

"...fornication, theft, murder, adultery, avarice, wickedness, deceit, licentiousness, envy, slander, pride, folly." (Mark 7:21:22)

Interesting bunch of sins, here. Starts with the big ones that we all know about. The sex and death ones. We all know they're bad, yeah? And if being sinful can be equated with being "unclean" - as they would be in a ritual sense, I guess - then they're gonna make you dirty.

It's like Jesus is suckering us in here. Even in our modern day, we still know that sexual unfaithfulness is wrong. Though the 33 million people whose names were on the Ashley Madison website presumably think that adultery's not so bad as long as nobody knows you're doing it. And murder - that's bad. Killing people except in self-defence is wrong. Unless you can persuade yourself that it's for their own good, according to the bill currently back in Parliament again and former Archbishop George Carey. But yeah, adultery and murder - "proper" murder - they're wrong. And Jesus's hearers would have been going, yeah - good point.

And then he winds up with envy, slander, pride, folly....

Envy? Envy makes you unclean? On what planet would envy make you unclean? That's not much good news for our world. is it? We drive large chunks of our economy on envy. It's not enough to be safe and comfortable - we've got to have the right stuff. And ideally better right stuff than other people.

Slander? You having a laugh, Jesus? Slander? Where would we be without slander? How would we oil the time between arriving at work and going home - unless it was trying to work out how much John in accounts earns, and indulging in a bit of envy?

And the Church in particular seems to have a certain fondness for slander, backbiting and other such vicious activities. What brings out the biting best in us more than somebody at church we don't agree with? What could be better to bring out our dark side than somebody who doesn't receive Communion the right way, the hymn that we can't stand, the person who doesn't know the way to behave?

It's been a particular fear of mine that, if and when the Church in England dies out, there will be one last conversation between the two last Christians. And one will remark that, even at this final hour, he wasn't the one who forgot to bring the church keys and locked everybody out for ten minutes one Sunday morning, And then he'll die, having made one final cutting point.

It's a bit like the "Upper Class, Middle Class" sketch with the two Ronnies and John Cleese. It's all about things being relative, is slander. Why worry about your own standing with God or other people as long as you can ensure you feel just a little superior another? And that's where slander is driven by pride - a concern about your own position, a demand upon your own rights, an expectation that you'll get the respect you deserve. There was an episode of "Dad's Army" on this evening where Mainwaring found out that he shouldn't have been a captain.As Arthur Lowe brilliant played Mainwaring, with one pip fewer on each shoulder, you could see him shrink. That rank meant everything to him.

Jesus winds up with - of all the possible things we wouldn't expect in a list of things that make you unclean before God - folly. Folly? In what way could being foolish make you unclean? I mean take the famous last words of General John Sedgwick at the Battle of Spotsylvania - "They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance." That was foolish, but I don't think that's what Jesus was thinking about.

Foolishness is the opposite of wisdom. And wisdom in the Bible is about doing the right things to walk with God. It's mostly about being considered; being calm; being thoughtful; not overdoing stuff. And in the New Testament, Jesus directly quotes God calling somebody a fool.... so what's this foolishness?

It's in Luke 12. The parable of the man who made his fortune, built his barns, settled down to a long and enjoyable life - and died. And God calls him a fool - because instead of doing what God wanted, storing up treasure in heaven, he focussed on getting a decent retirement plan.

It's not about getting the ceremony right, it's not knowing the right way to genuflect, knowing all the words to "10,000 Reasons",  It's about getting priorities right - to God, to each other. In that episode of Dad's Army, there's a lovely moment when Mainwaring, now busted down to a private, comes back to the church hall with no pips on his shoulder. He's lost his position, but he still realises he's got a duty.

The opposite to folly - the last of things that make us unclean - is wisdom. Wisdom says this is where we are, this is what God is like. The short-term things we use to put ourselves up against God and each other - they're not what we should be. True wisdom looks up to a cross and realises that the thing that makes us clean, is the giving up of all things we hold onto. The thing that means we are true with God is not a correct method of doing ceremonies - it's holding onto the Jesus that rejected all those temptations. We are not made clean through anything we can do - we are made clean because God makes us right with him. And if God makes us right with him then all those things - lust, murder, envy, pride and folly - we can reject them. Because they are worth nothing compared to God.

In Search of Mark 7:16

Just getting ready for tomorrow's sermon - and wondering how to turn it round to the importance of the  Beaker Folk saving electricity, by doing the washing-up themselves. And I notice something. There's no Mark 7:16 in the Bible. Or, at least, not in my Nearly Infallible Version, or the Now Rejecting Sexism Version.

Grabbing Drayton Parslow warmly by the elbow as he saunters past, I cop a cheeky look at his King James. And I read:

"If any man have ears to hear, let him hear"

So the King James tells us that men with ears are able to hear. Why are the modern versions keeping this dangeorus knowledge suppressed? I'm perplexed. I'm also surprised, from that use of the verb to have, to discover that Jesus spoke Somerset dialect. One presumes he picked it up while visiting Gkastonbury.

Why I don't Do Festivals (Seminar talk at #NotGB15)

I'd like to thank Graham Hartland for inviting me to give this seminar. Not least because nobody else ever invites me. Greenbelt? Forget it. I'm too Tory. Spring Harvest? I'm not middle-class enough. New Wine? Too liberal. Not GB 15 is my only chance, really.

So you may ask what I'm complaining about, regarding Christian Festivals. And, to quote James Dean, what have you got?

First up there's the weather. Here's today's weather forecast for the East Midlands...

I mean - that's what Christian Festivals do. I went to Spring Harvest once. It snowed. Went to Greenbelt, got hit by a hurricane. You know you'll traipse home, personally soaked, with soaked tent, soaked sleeping bags, the car covered in mud to the roof where you drove straight into a 6 foot deep puddle and had to be hauled out before you drowned.

And then there's the false expectations raised. The minions go off to Spring Harvest, they come back "why can't you lead worship like Vicky Beeching? Why aren't you as mystical as the Northumbria Community? Why aren't you as left-wing yet oddly authoritarian as Bishop Pete?" Never do they show the self-awareness to realise that the problem is not that I'm not as good a leader or preacher as at Spring Harvest -  it's that they're not such a good congregation. Spring Harvest congregation is full of enthusiasm, they'll have read the Bible for the only week this year, they're ready to apply the teaching to their lives. At least until they go home, when they have to do their jobs and clean their houses and mow the lawns and pay the mortgage. And then they have to drag themselves to regular services in the morning and, I'll be frank, they're a bit of a let-down. I'd much rather have a Spring Harvest congregation. They're relaxed, they're listening, they've had the day off. It's not me, it's very definitely them.

And what about the music? First up, the Beaker Quire come home and insist on playing "this great song that we learnt." The first three weeks, nobody knows it. All a bit quiet. Then the next three weeks everyone's got it and loves it. 46 weeks on of singing "10,000 reasons" and frankly that seems like enough. We're gonna sing it for 10,000 years and then forever more? Grief, Is there any way of not going?

And finally there's the teaching. People who've been to conferences have opened their minds, had a think. They're ready to challenge, ready to be challenged, ready to change the world. Frankly, it's a bit of a relief when mediocrity sets back in a few weeks later.

When I started the Beaker Folk I figured it would be like an all-year Greenbelt, full of challenge, art and interest. 10 years in, it's more like a theological college - a place where we protect the inmates from the outside world, while hoping that one day we have divorced them from reality enough that, if they ever go back out there, they'll just float above it thinking it doesn't apply to them. But, whatever else may be its flaws, the Moot House is watertight, warm and comfortable. If anyone buys a souvenir, it's me that gets the profit. And if anyone starts singing Rend Collective songs at half past 11 at night, we'll switch the sprinklers on in their room until they stop. Don't go to a festival. Come to the Beaker Folk.

Now, I'm happy to accept questions. But if they're fatuous or self-aggrandizing, or making points rather than asking genuine questions, Hnaef will come and kick you in the shins with his walking boots. No-one? Great. I'm off to the Hen's Wings, then.

General Synod Vote "Infiltrated"

There are concerns that the upcoming vote for membership of the Church of England may be compromised by people "whose views are not in line with those of the Church of England."

Among those who have had to pay absolutely nothing to be able to vote for who represents their dioceses over the next five years are a number of people who believe in Catholic doctrines; take the Bible completely literally; don't agree with all the 39 Articles or think the denomination is a buildings preservation trust. Many think same-sex marriage is a good idea, although some of those think it's a better idea for other people than themselves.

"It's a real worry," said a spokesnun, "We're really open to entryists. We've opened the election up to people who are ordained, and anyone who says "yes" when the vicar asks if they can spare a few evenings a year to go to Deanery Synod. We could have atheists, Hindus or even Tories getting a say on who gets to vote on innumerable complex amendments to motions over the next five years. If the wrong people get in, the Church of England could be in almost exactly the same state by 2020."

Two by Two

All kinds of chaos breaking loose at St Bogwulf's Chapel yesterday. Having worked out the sloth bear was an evangelical, we persuaded him to go across the park and take refuge with Rev Drayton Parslow and his Funambulist Baptists.

So Bjorn traipses across the ley, and wanders in during Drayton's Wednesday evening talk on "the Lie of Evolution". Oddly enough, the appearance of a fierce creature with a hug that can snap your spine didn't cause them all to run out screaming. They just presumed he was a member of the Youth Group.

Anyway, halfway through the talk Bjorn starts asking questions. Why does Drayton think evolutionary science is a lie when he accepts every other blessing of science without question? Why does he believe God created photons in flight to artificially make it look like they come from stars a long way off, when God only created them 6,000 years ago? Why would God deceive us? If "the world also is stablished, that it cannot be moved", why does Drayton accept any of what must clearly be dodgy cosmology? Why would Drayton use a computer and data projector when some scientists are, according to Drayton, liars?  Where in cosmology and biology does Drayton draw the line between good science and evil science? In short why doesn't Drayton grow side whiskers and join the Amish?

At this, Drayton realised he was confronting a talking sloth bear, and announced that Bjorn was demon possessed and, worse, an Open Evangelical. The Funambulist Baptists gathered round the bear, ready to work out a way of exorcising it. Pitch Forks and flaming torches appeared as if from nowhere. It was all looking very nasty.

And then, from the "Candles for Christmas" cupboard at the back of the chapel they heard a rustling noise...

Faced with two angry sloth bears, Drayton's flock panicked. There were Redemption Hymnals and berets flying in all directions. Wandering past on the way home from the White Horse, Hnaef and Young Keith were surprised to see Drayton and his mates, followed by Bjorn and, it turns out, Agnetha.

Anyway. We spent yesterday evening extending the"Candles for Christmas" cupboard. Now it's a nice size for them, though I wish they'd stop eating the tin foil pie dishes. And we've a plan.

Most people don't realise that every time a church or chapel closes down, a sloth bear is made homeless. The bereft bears wander the country, looking for a new home. Some used to get posts as Labour MPs, but there's not so many jobs there these days.

Will you contribute to our new charity, "Cupboards for Sloth Bears?" We're aiming to expand our Christmas candles cupboard to give every lost sloth bear a home. And all those candles, tinsel, lumps of oasis and little glass holders don't come cheap.

So help us at Cupboards for Sloth Bears. Or, if you think this is all very silly and you'd rather help real  homeless people, go to Graham Hartland's place and find out about the chance to do that at #notgb15.

Last Chance to See

The Lonely Planet guide has published its list of 500 places you must visit before you die.

Of course, if you and everybody else does see them all,  the next generation won't enjoy the sight of a flower, a bird or Chesil Beach.

I'm not posting the link. It would only encourage them

Days of Elisha

Good news of a kind. We've managed to corner the sloth bear in the doily sheds, and have started negotiations. He's demanded a helicopter to get him over the border to Hertfordshire, and a bucket of ants.

He's particularly grumpy over this whole Bible-reading business. We're a progressive, liberal, inclusive community that welcomes all faith and nuns. Whereas he's an Evangelical sloth bear.

So he reckons we have too many Bible readings at services. Can we cut them down a bit, he asks, and sing more songs?

Mad Dogs and Anglicans

Mad dogs and Anglicans get up for the 8am.
The Methodists don't care to, the URC don't dare to,
Ardent Pentecostalists worship through  from ten till ten,
But Anglicans detest a nice lay-in.
In the Baptist Church there's a 2-hour talk,
     to retain you in your pew;
There's Calvinist invective, the Rend Collective,
     but it's not 1662.
On Saturday eve the Catholics leave, there's no further prayer for them
But mad dogs and Anglicans get up for the 8am.

Santa Claws

Honestly, the complaints I'm getting from Grodwell. And it's his own silly fault. Going into the worship supplies room and opening the cupboard door marked "candles for Xmas".

I mean, obviously he was going to get mauled by the sloth bear. What else was he expecting to find in that cupboard but a sloth bear? Where does he imagine any other churches keep their sloth bears?