Springlike Springiness Service

Here at Beaker Folk, we like to push the frontiers of liturgy. And on a spring day like today, with the daffs in their fourth straight month of flowering and heading for a fifth - what could be more springlike than our Springlike Springiness Service?

Now I'm aware this particular liturgy hasn't gone well in the past. There have been a number of injuries. And so we put in some additional Health and Safety precautions. Held it outside. On the astroturf football pitch. Only six acolytes, which kept the number of petrol-driven pogo sticks to a bare minimum.

Still, it's a high-impact liturgy. And during the hymn "I spring up high, I fall back down", the people on space-hoppers came off the trampoline.

In retrospect, you shouldn't have multiple people on space hoppers on trampolines during action songs. But how were we to know that it would set up standing waves like that? One minute they were happily singing the line "I stamp my feet and I bounce around", the next they were trapped in a hideous resonance.

I'll never forget the looks of terror. After 30 seconds in which they all bounced higher and higher, there came an almighty "twang", and Beaker Folk and space hoppers were flying everywhere.

Still, at least the space hoppers kept smiling.

(Spacehopper by Reptonix via Wikimedia Commons)

Situations Vacant: Vicar in the 1950s

The 1950s Parish is looking for a new vicar.

Skilled in pastoral visiting, the vicar in the 1950s parish will be able to visit every house in the parish every six weeks. He (naturally) will have a commitment to traditional worship, including morning and evening prayer seven days a week, while having the spare time to prepare exciting worship for every Sunday Eucharist

We are an equal opportunities parish. But while our vicar will have a commitment to equality and inclusivity, he will be married with three children, and have no idea that any other arrangement would be possible.

We don't have any real interest in mission - because who needs that when everyone is basically a Christian? But it would be really handy if the new vicar were interested in "reaching" the local community. Many of them are a lot less white than you might imagine, when you consider we live in the 1950s.

Fete opening, growing pumpkins, and showing your face at the pub while having absolutely no opinions on anything will be invaluable.

Obviously we have no right to express opinions on the husband/wife* of the new vicar. But s/he** should be a good organist, keen organiser of the Sunday School of 75*** children and expert at baking scones. Although, obviously, none of these things are necessary. We wouldn't dream of marking you down on any of them.

But they would be really useful. Especially if we have a number of candidates. You wouldn't want to fall short on the "attractive but not over-sexy wife who is very useful at Church-related stuff" category, would you?

The 1950s Parish is part of the Still Living in the Past Benefice. But doesn't really want to admit it.

* wife
** she
*** 2 or 3, on a good day

A Flowchart for Telling if a Christian Festival Really Originated in a Pagan One

Modern Children Know Nothing About Easter

A terrifying indictment of the state of religious awareness from the Suffolk Gazette.

Everybody knows that Easter Monday is the day that Simon Peter put off tidying up the garden until. Only then it was really wet so he spent the day watching Carry On films and eating chocolate instead.

Why do Journalists Who Know Nothing Write About Religion?

And so to the latest in the occasional series "Why do Journalists who Know Nothing Write About Religion?" And on this occasion, step forward Tobias Jones.

The Church of England, Tobias Jones tells us, while explaining how they have a church buildings problem, has 15,700 churches. But each year it sells 20. This, to Tobias, is a crisis. And indeed we should take note. At this rate, in 785 years time, they will all be gone. Time is running out.

To be fair, Tobias gives us some other important facts. For instance, the Church of England has nearly five times more buildings than Tesco. He doesn't make it too clear why this is a relevant comparison, however. The Church does not mostly build out of town sites. The square footage of a Tesco superstore is vastly greater than that of even most cathedrals. And one of these was built to be the spiritual centre of its world, but has been left behind by modern trends and is now contracting quite rapidly. While the other is a church. This isn't comparing Egremont Russets with Ashmead's Kernels, is it?

The irony is that Tobias then lists a load of things that churches are doing to use their space effectively - things that churches in the right places have been doing. He doesn't mention that the building stock of the Church of England is overall in remarkably good shape - a tribute to those small congregations. He tells us Catholic churches are closing in Salford. He doesn't comment, as Private Eye might do, that the attitude of modern Catholic bishops to church buildings - even useful ones -  makes the Iconoclasts look reverent, and that Catholic church attendance in this country is stable.  But then Tobias tells us just how much he knows about religion:

"Christians believe Jesus tore down a temple and rebuilt it again in three days."

No. No they don't. You see, this was the charge they brought against Jesus at his kangaroo court. And even then, they only said he claimed he could. And even with a judge already putting on the black cap, they couldn't make it stick. Jesus's own temple (ie his body) was torn down and he brought it back in three days. But nowhere ever does anyone think Jesus tore down a temple. This is one of the most spectacular pieces of drivel that even the Guardian could write.

Here's my suggestion. If Guardian writers are this utterly incompetent, they should not be telling other organisations what to do with their building stock. They shouldn't be dabbling in politics, religion or economics. They should be made to sit at home, calculating the Grauniad's annual losses, until they come to the conclusion that they're not very good at what they do.

Instead, Tobias Young is probably off at this very minute, having his photo taken in the Guardian Commentator Pose. You know the one? Body at 30° to the camera, face forward, defiant, campaigning, smug look on face. The look of someone who believes they know how to run the world. And won't let facts get in the way of that belief.

The Printed Independent is now a Thing of the Past

Archdruid: So, as we - the people who will miss the printed edition of the Independent - gather together - let us celebrate their catchphrase. The Independent - it is...

All: .................................................................

Archdruid: I'm all on my own. In an empty Moot House. With nobody who cares that the Independent has gone from being a serious newspaper to a clickbait-generating sub-Breitbart, left-wing copy of the Daily Mail sidebar. Does anybody care?

Andreas Whittam Smith's Cyberspace Projection: I do.

Archdruid: Yeah, St A - but anyone else?

The howling wind blows the rainy rain round the Moot House eaves, in a last memory of the snow that will never fall again in England [link now removed.Thank you Mr O'Nians]

Archdruid: Come on - surely you must be able to tell us that among the ten reasons for not voting Tory, one is that your nose will fall off?

Charles O'Nians: The printed edition of the Independent is now a thing of the past.

Archdruid: OK then. The Indie has gone and nobody cares. I'm going to go off and wait for Easter Day to break. For lefty papers may come and go - but Jesus is risen forever.

No liberal commentator can be heard in response. A few pages of newsprint drift past in the wind.

Former Archbishop Carey Undermines His Own Message With His Own Words

"The other crisis we are in danger of overreacting to is the flood of migrants from Syria."
From the Telegraph.

Little hint. If you don't want to overreact, don't use words like "flood".

A Social Media Prayer of Self-Examination

Dear God.

I wish I was really as morally pure as my Twitter persona. As fun-loving and easy going as my Facebook profile. And as talented as my LinkedIn account.

And as young as my avatar.

Amen

The Long Good Friday Workshop

Dannii is really a very diligent trainee druid. Which is to say, under Charlii's guidance, that she is getting a bit obsessive about knowing where the children are. After all, as St Paul said in 1 Corinthians, to each is given gifts as the spirit determines. And unto trainee ministers, it's children's work.

And so the Good Friday Workshop came along, as it did everywhere. And I advised Dannii that what we really wanted was some beautifully decorated crosses. Nice to have on the window sills of the Moot House come Easter Sunday.

But little Griswold Grommet wandered over, halfway through putting the battery-powered LED into the greaseproof paper, silver-glitter-glued cross. And said,

"Aren't we just making very pretty representations of an instrument of torture and death?"

Which of course is right. We make the symbol of Jesus's death very pretty. Even in most representations of the crucifixion, he's looking pretty stoic, and shiny, and Saxon about the whole thing. And when we abstract the Cross to a mantelpiece decoration, we lose a lot of the horror. Which may or not be a bad thing.

But what made it worse for Dannii was not the sudden grounding of the reality of crucifixion. Having caught Dannii off-balance with that, Griswold followed up with the words "By the way, are all the children still here?"

Nightmare. Utter nightmare.

Sure, Dannii had the register. And all she had to do was match it up against 27 children, each of whom had stickers on them. With their names on. But do you know how fast children move? And then Dannii had the problem that some parents had babies with them - who didn't count. And Jazmyn took little Boromir off for a Good Friday treat to Gullivers' Kingdom, halfway through. Though this was balanced by Chelski turning up late with her son, Roublze. And some kids had two stickers. Or none. And of course it's a law of Physics that at least four kids are always in the loo whenever you need to count them.

Anyway, it's all over now. All the kids have gone off happily, stuffed with industrial quantities of sugar and chocolate. There's a vague hope around the Community that some of them may even fall asleep sometime round about Ascension.

But poor Dannii is slumped into a corner of the dining room. She appears to be in a trance. But, if you sneak up close to her, you can hear what she's muttering. It consists of "23-24-25.... anyone seen Chardonnay?" over and over again. It could take weeks to get her back to normality.

Upon the Annunciation and Passion Falling upon One Day. 1608 - John Donne

Annunciation - Fabriano

Tamely, frail body, abstain today; today

My soul eats twice, Christ hither and away.

She sees Him man, so like God made in this,

That of them both a circle emblem is,

Whose first and last concur; this doubtful day

Of feast or fast, Christ came and went away;

She sees Him nothing twice at once, who’s all;

She sees a Cedar plant itself and fall,

Her Maker put to making, and the head

Of life at once not yet alive yet dead;

She sees at once the virgin mother stay

Reclused at home, public at Golgotha;

Sad and rejoiced she’s seen at once, and seen

At almost fifty and at scarce fifteen;

At once a Son is promised her, and gone;

Gabriel gives Christ to her, He her to John;

Madonna and Child with Mary Magdalen- Longhi

Not fully a mother, she’s in orbity,

At once receiver and the legacy;

All this, and all between, this day hath shown,

The abridgement of Christ’s story, which makes one

(As in plain maps, the furthest west is east)

Of the Angels’ Ave and Consummatum est.

How well the Church, God’s court of faculties,

Deals in some times and seldom joining these!

As by the self-fixed Pole we never do

Direct our course, but the next star thereto,

Which shows where the other is and which we say

(Because it strays not far) doth never stray,

So God by His Church, nearest to Him, we know

And stand firm, if we by her motion go;

His Spirit, as His fiery pillar doth

Lead, and His Church, as cloud, to one end both.

Pieta - (by or after) Raphael

This Church, by letting these days join, hath shown

Death and conception in mankind is one:

Or ‘twas in Him the same humility

That He would be a man and leave to be:

Or as creation He had made, as God,

With the last judgment but one period,

His imitating Spouse would join in one

Manhood’s extremes: He shall come, He is gone:

Or as though the least of His pains, deeds, or words,

Would busy a life, she all this day affords;

This treasure then, in gross, my soul uplay, 

And in my life retail it every day.

– John Donne

Taken from fullhomelydivinity 
Images from wikigallery. Do not use for commercial purposes or remove warning.

Foot Washing Frenzy

We thought we'd do some proper kosher church tradition stuff.

We thought we'd do some foot-washing. Just like a proper church. So we asked for volunteers.

Most of the Beaker Folk said they'd rather not have their feet washed, as they didn't really feel worthy enough for it.

Then some of the Beaker Folk said they didn't me to wash their feet, as I'm not worthy to do that.

So we thought and considered. And I decided that I was going to go back to the very beginnings of the tradition, and take the words of the Bible seriously. In fact, literally. The words where Peter said, "not just my feet but my body also."

So I turned the fire hose on them. It is fair to say the Beaker Folk are now all thoroughly clean.

Next year, they better get it right. They are unworthy enough to have their feet washed. And I am worthy enough to do it. That's what the passage is all about, after all.