Sunday, 30 October 2016
Accidental Revelation in an Ad-hoc Intercession
"And so we just pray that Magwood might recover from his haemorrhoids, while his painful secret might be kept from the general public as he's always been a bit sensitive about these things - in more ways than one..."
Friday, 28 October 2016
That All Saints' Tide Weekend Calendar in Full
| Friday 28 October | Halloween Friday |
| Saturday 29 October | Halloween Saturday / All Saints' Eve (transferred) |
| Sunday 30 October | All Saints (transferred) / Halloween Eve (transferred) |
| Monday 31 October | Halloween / All Saints' Eve (unless that was Saturday) |
| Tuesday 1 November | All Saints' Day (unless that was Sunday) / All Souls' Eve (transferred) |
| Wednesday 2 November | All Souls' Day |
| Thursday 3 November | Pumpkin Soup |
Liturgy of the Calculation of the Attendance Figures
(Inspired by Charlie Peer)
Vicar: Fallen! Fallen are the attendance figures!
Treasurer: And surely the free will offerings decline as well.
Vicar: The numbers are counted, the averages weighed, the pews stand empty, and we are not growing.
Treasurer: Or solvent. Let's stick to the important stuff.
Wardens: Well, Harvest was in October last year. So that makes a difference.
Vicar: Harvest is always in October.
Wardens: And then the Smiths were away for a week.
Vicar: They go to Spain every autumn half term.
Wardens: Well, half term was in October.
Vicar: Like it is every year.
Wardens: And Mabel was ill with 'flu.
Vicar: Mabel is always ill with 'flu. Mabel has been ill with 'flu for so many years she is featured in Robert Winston's new documentary series, "Malingerers."
Wardens: And then the Newbold children play football on Sundays.
Vicar: The Newbold children left home 17 years ago. The older girl is now a retail executive and the boy is a professional tattoo artist. If they're also playing football, it isn't impacting our year on year attendance figures.
Wardens: And then more people are coming midweek....
Vicar: They're the same people who come on Sundays. Now they're all retired they can make Tuesday and Thursday lunchtimes on the way to Over-60s afternoons at the cinema.
Wardens: We've asked people in the congregation what we should do to attract more worshippers...
Vicar: ...and they said, leave everything exactly as it is. Look. The congregation is 58 this year. Last year it was 62. How many funerals of the regular congregation did we have last year?
Warden A: Four.
Warden B: Yes, Ethel's not been coming to church so much since she's been dead.
Treasurer: The legacies are a bit of good news, amidst all the doom and gloom.
Vicar: So what should we do? The last rise in Sunday attendance was when they changed the Parish Share calculation and we stopped rounding down.
Wardens: Perhaps another midweek serviced?
Vicar: Good thinking!
Vicar: Fallen! Fallen are the attendance figures!
Treasurer: And surely the free will offerings decline as well.
Vicar: The numbers are counted, the averages weighed, the pews stand empty, and we are not growing.
Treasurer: Or solvent. Let's stick to the important stuff.
Wardens: Well, Harvest was in October last year. So that makes a difference.
Vicar: Harvest is always in October.
Wardens: And then the Smiths were away for a week.
Vicar: They go to Spain every autumn half term.
Wardens: Well, half term was in October.
Vicar: Like it is every year.
Wardens: And Mabel was ill with 'flu.
Vicar: Mabel is always ill with 'flu. Mabel has been ill with 'flu for so many years she is featured in Robert Winston's new documentary series, "Malingerers."
Wardens: And then the Newbold children play football on Sundays.
Vicar: The Newbold children left home 17 years ago. The older girl is now a retail executive and the boy is a professional tattoo artist. If they're also playing football, it isn't impacting our year on year attendance figures.
Wardens: And then more people are coming midweek....
Vicar: They're the same people who come on Sundays. Now they're all retired they can make Tuesday and Thursday lunchtimes on the way to Over-60s afternoons at the cinema.
Wardens: We've asked people in the congregation what we should do to attract more worshippers...
Vicar: ...and they said, leave everything exactly as it is. Look. The congregation is 58 this year. Last year it was 62. How many funerals of the regular congregation did we have last year?
Warden A: Four.
Warden B: Yes, Ethel's not been coming to church so much since she's been dead.
Treasurer: The legacies are a bit of good news, amidst all the doom and gloom.
Vicar: So what should we do? The last rise in Sunday attendance was when they changed the Parish Share calculation and we stopped rounding down.
Wardens: Perhaps another midweek serviced?
Vicar: Good thinking!
The time Eileen was Having a Bad Day and Misquoted 1 Corinthians 13 in a Wedding Serrmon
Love hurts. Love is a battlefield. Love, love will tear us apart. (I'm just a lonely, alcoholic) Teenager in love. What's love got to do with it? He never mentioned love. No I don't want to fall in love - (this girl is only gonna break your heart). Love is not a victory march - it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. Tainted, love.
If we say "God is love", its small wonder that everybody hurts.
If we say "God is love", its small wonder that everybody hurts.
Thursday, 27 October 2016
The Rainbow Mega-Unicorn Brings in the End Times
Been a bit of a 36 hours.
That last plush unicorn created a terrifying chain reaction. The mass of plush unicorns shoved into the Moot House was sufficient to generate what is technically called a unicornity. And they fused into one giant unicorn.
The massive unicorn lifted the Moot House up on its back like a giant, weird (obviously) unicorn-tortoise hybrid and started frolicking around the grounds.
Pity poor Drayton Parslow who, going for his daily prayer walk where he calls down condemnation on all his neighbours, saw a giant plush rainbow unicorn wrapped in a place of worship, and assumed it was a sign of the End. He fell on his knees and begged not to be eaten.
I'm not criticising him. Who can say they would not have done the same, in his situation? Could happen to any of us.
The mega-unicorn however continued to gallop through the community. Noticing the barn where we press apples and doilies, it charged in for a snack. In the process smashing both the Moot House and the roof of the barn.
It then made the mistake of falling into the brook. Now this is a big unicorn, and a small stream. But you know how plush toys soak up water. It just slowed it for a moment as its feet got heavy. Put its feet back in the brook. Got a bit heavier...
You get the idea. Eventually the sodden, muddy beast toppled over sideways. The component original unicorns popped out, in a manner you could only imagine if you'd seen Gremlins. They danced in a magical, ethereal circle for a moment. And then reverted to plush immobility.
So we're Moot House-less again. Goodness knows it's caught fire or exploded enough times. But being smashed while on the back of a giant unicorn is a new one. Looks like we're back in Bogwulf Chapel for a while.
Tuesday, 25 October 2016
Unicorn Critical Mass
It had to happen. Every member of "Little Pebbles" demanded their parents buy them a plush 3' tall unicorn.
And, as it is written that pester power shall always triumph, they headed to the Beaker Bazaar and shelled out their 90 quids to buy the mythological soft toys.
And they headed into the Moot House, to join the unicorns of assorted gender, and binary or non-binary self-identification, pan-sexual, same-sexual and asexual as the choice moved them. Many of them just identified as "unicorns".
So many unicorns, indeed, that the Moot House filled with unicorns. No space for anything but unicorns. None of us could get in there. The Moot House was full of plushness. Where, we wondered, could we go from here? How could the Moot House be more unicorn or plusher?
And then Maygray wandered down the Corridor of Uncertainty into the Moot House door, and shoved one more unicorn into the mix. Just one more plush unicorn.
What could possibly happen?
And, as it is written that pester power shall always triumph, they headed to the Beaker Bazaar and shelled out their 90 quids to buy the mythological soft toys.
And they headed into the Moot House, to join the unicorns of assorted gender, and binary or non-binary self-identification, pan-sexual, same-sexual and asexual as the choice moved them. Many of them just identified as "unicorns".
So many unicorns, indeed, that the Moot House filled with unicorns. No space for anything but unicorns. None of us could get in there. The Moot House was full of plushness. Where, we wondered, could we go from here? How could the Moot House be more unicorn or plusher?
And then Maygray wandered down the Corridor of Uncertainty into the Moot House door, and shoved one more unicorn into the mix. Just one more plush unicorn.
What could possibly happen?
Monday, 24 October 2016
Liturgy for People Who Found Out Who's Died in "Walking Dead"
Archdruid: Who has told the things we have heard?
All: Things no English person should have known until 9pm BST.
Archdruid: Let those who have ears to hear, shut them up.
All: Like the ears of the brazen serpent,
Archdruid: Which will not hearken to the voice of charmers.
All: Charm they ever so wisely.
Archdruid: Let us be like those who have eyes but do not see.
All: Unless they look on Twitter and...
Archdruid: You've done it haven't you?
All: We have seen and now we repent on the ground in dust and ashes.
Archdruid: We have become even like unto the Likely Lads.
All: Those who in the time of our fathers and mothers tried not to hear whether England had won the match.
Archdruid: And Facebook and Twitter and people at work..
All: ....have become to us like Brian Glover.
Archdruid: Tell it not in Alexandria.
All: Proclaim it not in Atlanta.
B52s: We're heading down the Atlanta Highway....
All: Looking for the love getaway.
Archdruid: Get out of it, O B52s of "Rock Lobster" fame. If you'd had appeared in "Walking Dead" you'd have ruined an entire series.
All: Although maybe supplied that vital hint of camp that is so missing among the drabness, grimness, blood and brainless zombies?
B52s: Love Shack, baby, yeah!
All: Love Shack, baby!
Archdruid: Go in peace, to look away from the screen.
All: Lucille, why can't you be true?
Archdruid: It's England 2, Bulgaria Nil.
All: And we know just how those Bulgarians feel.
All: Things no English person should have known until 9pm BST.
Archdruid: Let those who have ears to hear, shut them up.
All: Like the ears of the brazen serpent,
Archdruid: Which will not hearken to the voice of charmers.
All: Charm they ever so wisely.
Archdruid: Let us be like those who have eyes but do not see.
All: Unless they look on Twitter and...
Archdruid: You've done it haven't you?
All: We have seen and now we repent on the ground in dust and ashes.
Archdruid: We have become even like unto the Likely Lads.
All: Those who in the time of our fathers and mothers tried not to hear whether England had won the match.
Archdruid: And Facebook and Twitter and people at work..
All: ....have become to us like Brian Glover.
Archdruid: Tell it not in Alexandria.
All: Proclaim it not in Atlanta.
B52s: We're heading down the Atlanta Highway....
All: Looking for the love getaway.
Archdruid: Get out of it, O B52s of "Rock Lobster" fame. If you'd had appeared in "Walking Dead" you'd have ruined an entire series.
All: Although maybe supplied that vital hint of camp that is so missing among the drabness, grimness, blood and brainless zombies?
B52s: Love Shack, baby, yeah!
All: Love Shack, baby!
Archdruid: Go in peace, to look away from the screen.
All: Lucille, why can't you be true?
Archdruid: It's England 2, Bulgaria Nil.
All: And we know just how those Bulgarians feel.
Discerning Gifts
Gifts are distributed to all members of the church. And yesterday we discerned the special gift of Jezmir.
I'm pleased to announce it's "Stacking the Dishwasher Efficiently." Not in any of Paul's lists, but then let's fact it, they didn't have dishwashers.
I'm pleased to announce it's "Stacking the Dishwasher Efficiently." Not in any of Paul's lists, but then let's fact it, they didn't have dishwashers.
Sunday, 23 October 2016
A Rainbow Unicorn Coalition
It had to happen. To ensure there is no heteronormativity about the Moot House, Alfie and Annie the Unicorns have been supplemented by Sam and Bill the Rainbow Unicorns. Though, to save some money, the people who bought them have refused to say whether they're male unicorns, female ones, or indeed even what pronouns they use. Otherwise they'd have to buy a lot more unicorns.
Drayton Parslow, of course, was deeply disapproving when he heard about this. Although he's been busy. He wanted to go and picket the Life Drawing class at the Reading Room. Says this is the sort of thing Husborne Crawley has been reduced to. But then he changed his mind at the last minute, in case he met any nude people. Odd, I didn't imagine they'd turn up nude. And I thought it was just meant to be the models, not the artists as well. Drayton says we're becoming more like the Cities of the Plain every day. I presume he means Sodom and Gomorrah, not Luton and Stansted.
Drayton Parslow, of course, was deeply disapproving when he heard about this. Although he's been busy. He wanted to go and picket the Life Drawing class at the Reading Room. Says this is the sort of thing Husborne Crawley has been reduced to. But then he changed his mind at the last minute, in case he met any nude people. Odd, I didn't imagine they'd turn up nude. And I thought it was just meant to be the models, not the artists as well. Drayton says we're becoming more like the Cities of the Plain every day. I presume he means Sodom and Gomorrah, not Luton and Stansted.
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