Liturgy in Memory of Andy Rourke of the Smiths (1964-2023)

Archdruid:  There is a light and it never goes out

All: There is a light and it never goes out

Archdruid:  There is a light and it never goes out

All: There is a light and it never goes out

Archdruid:  There is a light and it never goes out

All: There is a light and it never goes out

Archdruid:  There is a light and it never goes out

All: There is a light and it never goes out

Archdruid:  There is a light and it never goes out

All: There is a light and it never goes out

Archdruid:  There is a light and it never goes out

All: There is a light and it never goes out

Internet Ghoul: But was he jabbed?

All: Bigmouth strikes again.

So Hard to Know what not to Believe

Feeling sorry for Drayton Parslow.

You remember Drayton? Pastor of the Bogwulf Baptist Chapel.

First up Drayton preached that Covid was the pestilence foretold in Rev 9.

Then when a third of people didn’t die, he decided the barcodes on packs of vaccines are the Number of the Beast.

Then he decided lockdowns were a Government control device.

Then he started monitoring “sudden deaths” and “excess deaths” and blaming those on the vaccine. Before reflecting that maybe the excess deaths have another cause. Like the after-effects of Covid on people and health services. And that celebrities have always had a habit of dying suddenly. 

So poor Drayton really doesn’t know which conspiracy theorist to believe. You could say he’s fallen between the cranks.

 

A Late Beltane

Well that was a May Eve wash out.

Not the weather.

Brixforth had objected to our burning the gender-neutral Wicker Person on the grounds that the prevailing winds might carry evil particulates over Luton. I wasn't convinced anything could make Luton any less appealing. But we are nothing if not an environmentally-aware religious collective. So I went with it.

So Brixworth's "better" Wicker Person had LED flame effects that would virtually lick up and down the pallet-wood "wicker" of the frame, giving the impression that the Person was burning. I mean - what could be better - not just a spiritual thrill, but also a Wicker Person that would, while appearing to burn, never be consumed. You could just pick your own sermon out of that one.

And so it was that at 11 pm, we pressed the button on the controls. And nothing happened.

And Brixforth pointed out that, because he is environmentally-friendly, the LEDs were solar powered.

Anyway, they finally squeezed enough charge for a moderately-entertaining flare of light ten minutes ago. And then ran out.

I've found the solution, though. A gallon of petrol and a match.

It looks great. Happy May Day.

Beaker Healing Bowels

I can only offer profound apologies for yesterday's disastrous Healing Beaker-making Workshop.

The instructions were supposed to assist our pilgrims in constructing singing cellular healing beakers along the lines of Himalayan Singing Bowls, that resonated at 432 Hz. The frequency of cellular body healing on the cellular level.

And the beakers did look lovely. Nice knotty knotwork. Some excellent glazing.

Image generated via craiyon.com

But what Young Keith had forgotten is that the shape of a bowl is not the same as that of a beaker. Produces a difference frequency. Which unfortunately seems to have resulted in a set of beakers that "sang" at 8 Hz, the frequency of brown noise.

Which resulted in a whole lot of resonance on a cellular level that nobody really needed.

Still, Dooreen's happy. Saved her a fortune in syrup of figs. 

My Defence Against the Bullying Claims

It is with regret that I find I have to resign as Archdruid.

When I appointed Burton Dasset to investigate allegations that I had bullied members of the Druidic staff, I wasn't expecting the woke little creep to actually find a backbone, and conclude that I had bullied members of staff. Especially after I said I'd break his ankles if he did.

It is true that Burton has found two specific occasions over the last few years when I bullied or intimidated people, or threatened to staple them to the boules court with croquet hoops. But in my defence, nobody has ever actually admitted I really did staple them to the boules court with croquet hoops. And this is not just because they didn't want it to happen again.

All I can say is, if stapling someone's tie to the desk and then hitting them over the back of the neck with a plastic ruler counts as bullying, then the bar for bullying is set pretty low.

And bear in mind all those occasions when I managed to get through a whole day without bullying or intimidating anyone. Sometimes a week at a time.

However. I said that if Burton found I was guilty of any of the bullying allegations, I would resign.

I therefore resign.

I will look forward to letting the dust settle, and this whole affair blow over, before taking my role as Archdruid up again in the morning.

In the meantime, if anyone wants me or Burton, we'll be on the boules court. Just as soon as I've found out the croquet hoops.

Presbyopia Impacts Presbyters

Bit of a mistake at Tesco. I went to buy some revitalising shampoo. Accidentally bought some revitalicising shampoo. 

Now all the local vicars are much slimmer, but leaning over.

Undertakers to Wear Hi-Viz

In yet another slap in the face to the freedom of the British people, more EU law has been smuggled into Britain under cover of the Northern Ireland Protocol.

The "Undertakers (PPE)" regulation will be implemented from 1 July 2023. This stipulates that two traditional roles of undertakers at funerals must be undertaken - as it were - while wearing fully functional hi-viz outfits.

"It makes sense when you think about it," said a pencil-necked pen-pusher at Milton Keynes City Council. "The Funeral Director has to spend a period of time walking at a dignified pace in front of the hearse, on the way to the church, cemetery, and/or crematorium. And you wouldn't expect a traffic police officer to do this while dressed in a sober morning suit. So the European regulation demands that Funeral Directors wear hi viz at all times that they are on or near the road. We don't want a rash of quietly and respectably dressed undertakers ending up under the wheels of their own hearses. Ideally they'd wear hi-viz top hats, but let's be honest that's just getting silly."

EU-approved Funeral Director Outfit

But the rules don't stop there. They continue when the hearse has arrived at its destination.

The coffin has to be carried by a team of pall bearers, and potentially rolled on an item of Material Handling Equipment (the little trolley with sticking-out arms). And the grave-digger may be using a mechanical device in the graveyard. Therefore at all times that there is physical handling of the coffin, trestles, or photograph of the late loved ones, the pall bearers must also wear personal protective equipment. This will include hi viz suits, steel toe-capped boots, and safety gloves.

The dayglo future of pall-bearing

 

The Conservative European Research Group are so angry they are eating their own Axminster carpets with rage.  Mark Francois, Official Brexit Weeble, said "This is pure sausage-munching woke-ism. We will never be free from the jackboots of The Hague until British undertakers are free to conduct funerals wearing Union Jack waistcoats and Viking horned helmets on their heads. Just like I did when I fought in two World Wars to free us from Belgium."

The Government has promised to bring in emergency regulation. But, if it is held up by Labour do-gooders in the Lords, and lefty liberal lawyers, Funeral Directors may be facing £1,000 fines just for dressing in a appropriately respectful way for work. Even in the midst of life, we are subject to the dead hand of Brussels.

The Unbearable Heaviness of Bryan

Many people don’t appreciate the fine details of the planning we have to do before our “occasional” services.

Tomorrow's being a really good example.

We've been doing some really careful calculations. And we reckon it’s going to take six men to carry Bryan into the Moot House. It’s been worrying me as the badgers have been tunnelling, and the ground may have been weakened.

In future I’m going to suggest people organise their stag do's further in advance of the wedding. Erin’s livid.

If the Woman at the Well met Nicodemus

 

(John 3, John 4)

 

 ...before they both met Jesus - what would they say to each other?

A straightforward nothing at all? Are they so far apart - in race, in ethical purity, in riches, in education - would they have nothing to say?

Would the woman be wanting to beg from Nicodemus? If she had ventured into Jerusalem and spoke to him in the street - would he assume she was selling herself? Would he call the guards, or draw himself away, - or try and haggle for a price? 

 

....  after they both met Jesus - what then?

Would Nicodemus fall down, seeing that this woman had so much more insight than he did? 

Would he tell her how he went to Jesus in the darkness, and she tell him how Jesus came to her in bright daylight?

Would she recognize their shared experience - they both took Jesus literally, and then he made them  both see more deeply: opened up God's love to them, told them about the flow of the Spirit and what it could mean for both of them. Would she tell Nicodemus how Jesus had opened her eyes that the Messiah had come for Samaritan and Jew and for the whole world? Would Nicodemus tell her that Jesus had come because God had so loved the world?

Would Nicodemus tell her that she must be born again? And would she laugh and say - what do you think has just happened? Can't you see it in my face, in my life? Look at the villagers - knowing Messiah has come - how about your Sanhedrin? Have they been changed like we have?

Would Nicodemus tell her about his fear of the authorities? How to keep his position he had to guard his tongue? How he was trying to live for Jesus - but how hard it was? How he had to accommodate his worldly status and his new spiritual life? And would she tell him how simple it was for her? And would they both rejoice in their new freedom, their new insights, the new way they saw the world now Messiah was here?

Or would nothing have changed?

 

If the Woman at the Well met Nicodemus - what do you think?

Liturgy in Memory of John "Motty" Motson

Burton Dasset: Welcome to Husborne Crawley on this gloomy evening. And this is the 745th time that we have commemorated the death of a celebrity.

Hnaef: And by assisting at this service I have just marked up the most appearances as assistant at a Beaker Folk commemoration.

Burton Dasset: Overtaking Charlii, who has sadly suffered a hamstring strain at the Ash Wednesday meeting.

Hnaef: And the altar party procession is keeping to a strict 4-3-2-1, with the tea light bearers just behind the lead druid, and Young Keith in the holding position.

Burton: He's holding a copy of "The Wee Worship Book", by the Iona Community.

Hnaef: But the acolytes will be keen to overlap wherever possible.

Burton: And we've had word through of why Archdruid Eileen won't be leading the line today.

Hnaef: She's in her office, weeping and hugging a sheepskin coat.

Burton: So am I. But I'm playing through the pain.

Hnaef: Cortisone Injection?

Burton: Didn't I see them supporting Hawkwind in 1984?

Hnaef: But the final whistle has blown. And once again it's a win for time.

Burton: Yes. Time has overcome again. Will it ever stop rolling like a stream?

Hnaef: Well, it's got Real Madrid in the next round. So let's see.

The Hans Anitiser Worshippers

Sorry I've not been blogging lately. It's all been tricky. We intercepted a communication that fell through a wormhole in time and space from the 29th century, and it's taken all the Moot House computing power for a month to translate it. Still, here's what we have. I have no idea what it means.

 

---

Much effort has been put into understanding the nature of 21st Century religion. We knew that at special times of the year - notably early December - people would make pilgrimages to religious locations called "Shoppincentres." But after roughly 2020, these gatherings fell out of use.

Their place seems to have been taken by smaller, older buildings that were - as far as we can decipher what is known of their language - known as "churches". These churches had presumably been the home of an older religion, which returned as the Shoppincentre cult lost influence. However, their artefacts radically changed at the time of the Shoppincentre decline.

This sign was put up outside a Lincolnshire church in 2020, and remained in situ for 400 years. We believe "IN ABEYANCE" may have something to do with the heating system.

Churches contained many types of written memorial. Some were carved into stone. While others, perhaps those that were meant to last longer, were written on paper and then encased in plastic. Here is an example of a plastic-preserved memorial - what we call a "laminate". The laminate below, for instance, we believe may have been prayers to a god of doorways.

Readers will be aware that the people of the 21st to 24th centuries transferred all their written records to electronic data storage. As a result of the Great Polar Reversal, these were all lost, and with them our ability to understand the language they spoke. We know that previously they had often put their trust in a deity, "Googletranslate", whose worshippers could understand all languages: but not very well.

Sometimes the pictures on the laminates are enough. We cannot decipher the words here, but it is clear that the worshippers practised strict sexual segregation.

The most common ritual objects in churches, over a 400 year period, were small votive containers. Chemical analysis has revealed that they contained alcohol, and they were often equipped with the ability to spray that alcohol. Our conclusion therefore is that they were used for pouring libations on to the altar, or on to the thresholds of the church - as they were found most often around those two areas.

We belive "99.9" refers to the purity required of worshippers to approach the altar.

A libation sprayer that was apparently intended to be fixed to a wall. Possibly at the holiest point in the church?

Again, we have no definitive knowledge of their language, but folk memory seems to recall a god called "Hans Anitiser". Possibly a German god, whose worship spread alongside the use of the libation sprayers. Were the laminated prayers to Hans Anitister? If so, we can conclude that the god was best addressed in multiple colours and Comic Sans font.

Finally - what are we to make of the Ritual Tape?

There are rolls of Ritual Tape in churches all over the former United Kingdom. What were they for? And why are they always hidden in cupboards? 

We can assume the Ritual Tape was used to mark off sacred from less sacred areas. But why did it fall out of use? And, when it did - why is it so often to be found with more "laminates", these only showing red crosses or green tick shapes?

There is still much mystery about the beliefs of the Hans Anitiser people. Perhaps we will never know it all.