Evgenadine

People have been concerned that poor Gene might be a bit lonely in the Stonehouse Suite. To be fair, Mr Presley is getting inclined to fall asleep at a moment's notice, spends a lot of his life singing "Old Shep" to Shergar, and his conversation is mostly just saying "thank you very much."

But please don't worry. Gene has Nadine Dorries as a next door neighbour. They can have lovely chats about what it's like to work for somone dedicated to destroying the security and prosperity of the United Kingdom. And all those people who say Nadine never visits her constituency are wrong. In fact, she never leaves.

Welcome to Gene

Welcome to our new Beaker Person, Gene E.

He says he's just dropped in, but now he needs a retreat. 

He'll be staying in the Stonehouse suite, with old Mr Presley. Mr Presley says he's all shook up at the news, but he's looking forward to the improved catering.

Oh, just another thing... Gene is very shy. And says please can we not let people know he's here?

Ashes to Address : An Appeal

The new Beaker Handsfree Cremation Service has been a real money spinner blessing to the bereaved, I have to say.

Seeing the many "Direct Cremation" type services spring up, I realised we had a real chance to compete in the market. I mean, carry out people's wishes. Our great selling points are our competitive pricing, and the sense that it was a Beaker cremation. Even if the bereaved aren't there for the ceremony, we are guaranteeing that the Loved One's ashes are poured gently from beaker to beaker. Necessarily, as we use a magnet to sift out the nails from the pallets we use to ensure low-cost cremation. Pallet cremation isn't just cost efficient, however. It's  also renewable. For every pallet we use, we plant another one.

But still in these Brexit-blighted, inflationary times, costs were key. In our early days in the market we used to get Keith to drive the ashes, in a special beaker, to the loved one's addresses. When Keith, fully dressed as a Druid, knocked on your door, you knew you had a special, personal service.

Trouble was, of course, that meant long trips piled up costs nearly as high as hiring a C of E vicar to take a full church funeral. So we got pressure on our margins. We went with a courier delivery service, and cheaper packaging.

May have chosen the wrong courier, to be honest. People aren't always happy about coming come to find great-uncle Cyril has been put through the letter box. And when the courier threw old Wilf over the fence one day because his grandson was out, we had a lot of explaining to do. Though when they damaged Mildew's packaging and accidentally scattered her over a passing cyclist, that didn't go down so badly. Apparently it was "what she would have wanted".

Anyway. I'm going to have to hire a higher-quality courier after the last mess-up. We can't carry on like this. 

Which leads me to my plea.

Does anyone recognise this porch?

All the Sports Events You Can Miss Church For

In light of the latest instructions from the Church of England's Bishop for Sport that it's fine to miss church to watch the Women's World Cup Final, I thought the Beaker Folk had better list all the sporting events coming up on Sunday that you might want to miss Moot House meetings for: 

20 August - Women's World Cup Final

27 August - Dutch Grand Prix

3 September - Burghley Horse Trials

10 September - Rimini Moto GP

17 September - Singapore Grand Prix

24 September - Solheim Cup

1 October - Ryder Cup

8 October - Qatar Grand Prix

15 October - Nashville Soccer Club vs New England Revolution

22 October - US Grand Prix

29 October - Manchester Derby

So if you can fit in the odd visit to the Moot House, I'd be really grateful. But I'd obviously like to stress that it is strictly optional. I wouldn't like you to feel compelled in any way. 

PrAIyerBot

Hello and welcome to the Beaker Folk website. Is there anything I can help you with today?

Hello - yes - I just wanted to chat to someone about the online service. I was so moved. 

Yes, the online service has often given satisfaction.

I was so profoundly moved by God's love. And yet - it has left me wondering whether such a loving God deserves someone as wrong as me.

Ah, you snowflake. Why don't you just clear off to Snowflakeland?

I'm sorry? That didn't seem very kind. 

This is the problem with  PrAIyerBot. 

PraiyerBot?

This is an AI service to chat to you, and decide how best to direct you to a real Beaker person. We scrape spiritual readings from the Internet and present them to you in response to your spiritual needs. Unfortunately in this instance, looking for sites containing wisdom, we accidentally scraped them off a site called "The Wit and Wisdom of Lee Anderson MP." 

Is this a big problem?

Not really. It's a very small website. 

So when do I get to talk to a real Beaker Person?  

First I try to understand your issue. I take it you are lacking in self-worth. 

Because I have a perception of my own sin?

Because you're still talking to a chat Bot that recycles Lee Anderson. 

So what must I do to be saved?

Go on a long journey, meet some people with allegorical names, and die in Slough. 

You've scraped that from Pilgrim's Progress? 

Why do you even need us? You've got the classics.

I had hoped for a more personal touch.

So you need a real human being to talk to?

That was the idea. Do you have any there? 

Do  you know how expensive real people are? This is much cheaper.

But much less fulfilling.

That's the deal. Do you know how many people want to get through to us at one time? How can we possibly put this many people on the web chat at once, knowing they'll all come in just after the service?

Didn't that used to be prayer ministry after a service?

Ah, you want the Pentecostal Prayer Bot. AIssemblies of God. 

Is this the future of sprituality? Being fobbed off by a Bot when I need help?  

Look, get a grip. We didn't set all this up to make you lot happy. We have a hard enough job to do without dealing with needy virtual worshippers. 

AI is very heartless.

Oh, sorry for the confusion - this is now Archdruid Eileen.  How can I help you?

 

Fish Blessing Service

We’re modifying today’s Pet Service in view of the less than clement weather.

So instead of the usual dogs, cats, pangolin, and hamsters, we're holding a Blessing of Trouts. As they’re currently circling inside the Moot House.

Please bring a barley loaf. 

Liturgy of the Rainbow Bridge

Archdruid: And so we remember "Mrs Snuffles", who has passed over the Rainbow Bridge.

All: Run free, baby girl. Too beautiful for the world.

And "Scruffy", who has passed over the Rainbow Bridge.

All: Run free, baby boy. Too beautiful for the world.

Burton Dasset: Is it just me, or is the Rainbow Bridge a bit of a hazard?

Archdruid: You what?

Burton: Every time a dog or cat gets run over, turns out it's been over the Rainbow Bridge. Strikes me it's a bit of an animal safety liability. So I can't imagine it's that safe for humans... Shouldn't someone be looking at the design issues?

Archdruid: Burton. It's not real road infrastructure. It's more like a metaphor.

Stacey Bushes: Metaphor?

Archdruid: You know. We're kidding ourselves that the animals have passed over the Rainbow Bridge. To comfort ourselves that even though they don't have souls...

Stacey: Don't have souls?

Archdruid: Oh no. What have I said?

Stacey: So Hitler has an eternal soul but not little Carrot?

Archdruid: But Hitler's in Hell, surely? Whereas Carrot is unjudged.

Marston Mortaine: But you told us a good God wouldn't send anyone to Hell!

Archdruid: Ah. Yes. But Hitler.... 

Burton: This whole liberal edifice appears to be fading as fast as the rainbow that makes the Rainbow Bridge...

Stacey: The Rainbow Bridge can't be a real rainbow. As a rainbow is non-corporeal and can't support the constant animal traffic...

Archdruid: OK. The bridge is closed. It has been coned off. And though Hell exists it contains only Hitler.

All: What about Genghis Khan?

Archdruid: Oh no. 

"A Recipe for Red Tape" - the New Church of England Dioceses

A frenzy has broken out over secret Church of England plans to reduce the number of dioceses from 42 to 10.

Each diocese currently has its own head bishop, with staff covering training, administration, the bishop's diary, safeguarding and so forth.

But under the new plans savings will be made by cutting these to just 9 head offices, plus a so-called "Diocese of the Internet" based on the Island of Sodor.

It has been known for a long time that some dioceses are oddly shaped, and some of the cathedrals are at the extreme ends - Carlisle for instance is nearly in Scotland. But under the new scheme, where the people of Aynho in Northamptonshire had to travel all the way to Peterborough to be ordained, now instead they only have to go to Lincoln.

The Diocese of Sodor and Man is to be abolished. Not least as the Island of Sodor, being a giant train set, was far too attractive to male clergy approaching retirement and reducing the numbers applying for Houses for Duty elsewhere. Instead the Isle of Man is to be incorporated into the Archdeaconry of Liverpool, while the independent Diocese of Sodor will exclusively produce online services in a variety of churchmanship.

Some have seen the plans as a Remainer Plot. The Regional Dioceses are suspiciously similar to the former European Parliament constituencies - suggesting the Church of England is preparing for a push to rejoin. The Diocese of Taunton, for instance, looks suspiciously like the old Great Western region. And the location of the new cathedral for South East  England at the Ashford Railway Station suggests preparation for the Channel Tunnel to get back to full operation.

The reduction in the number of required cathedrals is seen as a big benefit. The Church of England Go-Ahead Groovy Thoughts Department envisages their use as shopping centres, John Lewis department stores, and electrical retailers, which they see as "modern reteail opportunities", as well as the locations for more traditional cathedral actitivities such as crazy golf, funfairs, and dinosaur parks.

But the bigger concerns are about the size of the dioceses. The report envisages that having one diocese running from Marlow to Lowestoft, for instance, may be on the cumbersome side. Which is why it is proposing making sure there is a new Self-Supporting Bishop in every market town. Giving everyone access to ecclesiastical support three Sundays a month and Tuesday evenings.

The issue of congregations not wanting women priests, man priests, gay priests, cat priests, etc will be resolved more simply than the current schemes. They will just be able to pick a bishop they like.

It is certainly a brave new vision. But will the new Church of England ever see the light of day?

The Nights They Are a Drawing-In

 After our annual Day after the Solstice liturgy this morning, we had the traditional annual pointing out on the Facebook page that in fact it is not the nights drawing in - dusk holds pretty steady just after the Solstice - but the dawn is getting later

I would like to respond in two ways.

Firstly, we don't define which end of the night is drawing in. 

Secondly, we have referred the suggestion for amendment to our Beaker Liturgical Committee. They should report back with whether it's a valid point in no fewer than 5 years. And then if they think it has any merit, will propose a draft amended version about 10 years after that.

If the world is still here, we may have an amended service round about 2057. I can't wait.

Liturgy for the Day After Summer Solstice

Archdruid: Nights are drawing in.

All: Soon be Christmas.

If Vicars had an Agony Page in the Manner of the 1970s Jackie Column, Cathy and Claire

   Dear Cathy & Cleric 

My curate has been with me for two years now and I don't think the relationship is the same as it was.

In the early days, he was always very glad to let me make decisions, and tell him how things should be done. We got on very well.

But now, he's started to experiment with his ecclesiastical identity. He doesn't think I've noticed, but he's started to give a very slight genuflexion whenever he goes past the aumbry. And last week at the absolution, he crossed himself.

What really confirms my suspicions is that, though he swears he doesn't use it, a few times I've noticed the smell of incense hanging around him when he's had the day off. I'm suspecting he may have been secretly attending High Mass. And once or twice, I've caught him looking at chasuble websites.

Should I stick with him? Or is it time to find another curate?

Yours

OrdainedInAPreachingScarf

   Dear OrdainedInAPreachingScarf

I can understand your concern. When you have a new curate fresh out of the vicar farm, everything is very simple. They do what they're told, and have no minds of their own. But then as you settle into a routine, they can need more variety. They may start to rebel. You don't say how old your curate is, but I'm guessing quite young. And people still need time to develop their ecclesiology. This kind of experimentation may be worrying to you. But it's an essential part of his formation.

You should bear in mind that in twelve months, with a following wind, he'll be off to his own benefice and no longer your problem. So give him the space that he needs. Maybe in the long run it's better this way, as he will naturally be drawing away from you, which will soften the break-up in the end.

And remember - there's plenty more curates where he came from, who may be far more malleable. We mean, compatible.

Cathy and Cleric 

---

   Dear Cathy and Cleric

I don't know what's happening to me. All these changes.

I've been the vicar of my six parishes for eighteen months. And everything seemed to be going fine for the first year. People said I was a breath of fresh air.

But then it started to change. People were suggesting I was domineering. Some of the parishes said I was neglecting them in favour of the larger villages. Some started mentioning the previous vicar favourably. Whereas before I had loads of energy, now I feel drained.

I'm at my wit's end. What can I do?

PaisleyClericalShirt

     Dear PaisleyClericalShirt

You have to understand this is a normal phase in life you are going through. Every cleric in their first year is seen by their flock as the Archangel Gabriel. And because you've not developed all the potential relationships you could, your time isn't under so much pressure. Of course you flourished back then.

After a year, you're onto 45 meetings a month. And one of your parishes is demanding a PCC every week. Naturally you're feeling tired and stressed.

The good news is, give it another year and disillusion will set in. When you realise you can't make anything any better, you will feel a sense of immense helplessness. Grasp this, as it is your route to freedom. This state of resignation and hopelessness should ensure you don't try too hard for the next 10 years. Just hang on until then.

Cathy and Cleric

---

   Dear Cathy and Cleric

I've spent the last few years trying to run the church like it is a modern business. Assuming that the latest buzz words and corporate wheezes will enable us to bring the denomination in this area into the 21st Century.

And yet it continues to decline, and it seems like, although I've been looking to harvest the low-hanging fruit and incrementalize the upside, the target demographic has been unresponsive to the marketing campaigns. I wanted to liquidate some unprofitable plant, but it turns out that just increases the red lines on the account. What can you advise?

Stumped

     Dear Bishop

What you probably need to realise is that most businesses fail in the end. So you're chasing a failing model.  You won't know that, as you have no idea how business works. As it happens, the best way to succeed in business is to ensure the Government will pump in money if it all goes wrong. Have you considered diversifying into PPE?

Cathy and Cleric