Your cut-out-and-keep guide to Beaker Factions

Dear Readers, perusing my own previous postings and also those of the Archdruid, it has come to my mind that maybe you have trouble knowing your Primitive Beaker Folk from your Extreeme Beaker Folk. Therefore I have compiled a little guide to the various factions that make up our community and the various dispersed cyber-communities that take their Rule from Husborne Crawley. The Archdruid herself, being the titular head of all the factions, actually belongs to none - although she has definite Tealight Tendencies.

Tealight Folk
The major grouping of Beaker Folk are those that use Tealights in worship. Tealights are particularly handy in finding your way around dark orchards while waiting for moonrise. The Tealight Folk are generally fairly hardline against pebbles, but otherwise prepared to tolerate most forms of Beakerism.

Pebbles People
The most liberal and welcoming of the Beaker Folk are those that believe that through the contemplation of pebbles we gain an understanding of the smallness of the Created Order. Being the most liberal, they are prepared to listen and understand other people's viewpoints. They hate the Tealight Folk and the Primitive Beaker Folk with a vengeance, because these groups are less tolerant.

Julian Beaker Folk
Like Pebbles People, but with hazelnuts. Oddly, they are all in fact called Julian.

Primitive Beaker Folk
Eschew both pebbles and tealights. Normally to be found shivering in the dark because they are against modern forms of heating and lighting. Happy to burn wood to keep warm, but their strict prohibition on using matches means that starting a fire can be a bit tricky.

Extreeme Primitive Beaker Folk
Like the other Primitive Beaker Folk, but more Methodist.

Beakerdictines
Spend most of their time drinking french liqueurs. Friendly but generally incomprehensible.

Fertility Beaker Folk
Spend a lot of time dancing naked on Aspley Heath. Frequently arrested by Young Keith's uncle Brian, the police constable.


Third Church of the Moon Gibbon
Believe that the moon is in constant danger of being swallowed by the Moon Gibbon. Spend a lot of time praying desperately at times of New Moon. Can be paralysed with fear at times of lunar eclipse.

Beaker Folk Together in Husborne Crawley
Spend all their time trying to get other Folk to join them, on the grounds that they bring people together regardless of their detailed beliefs. Organise committees whenever possible, and for whatever reason. Only two of them.

Charismatic Beaker Folk
To be honest, they're not all that charismatic.

Finally, there are the people who worship Kirsty MacColl as the Moon Goddess. At least they're musically sound...