Saturday, 10 November 2012

Witch Trials

Yesterday was a bad day in the Community.

The trouble all started when Old Mrs Hegarty was accused of being a witch. Naturally we threw her in the duck pond. She floated, so was clearly a witch.

She then told us that Meuble was a witch. So we threw Meuble in the pond and she floated. 2-0 to the powers of light, so far. Obviously you can't burn witches anymore. So we put them in the stocks instead.

Rodrick then told us that Raymand was a witch. So we threw him in the duck pond. He sank, so is clearly not a witch. But he also can't swim.

So Gervaiz dodged the army of Health and Safety officials trying to stop him, jumped in, swam down to Raymand and dragged him out.

A brave move. But Raymand's a big, muscley bloke whereas Gervaiz is a little, chubby one who has to use Paintshop to make himself look fit. So we suspected Dark Arts. Sure enough, when we threw him in he floated like a hydrogen-filled rubber duck. But on the bright side he didn't explode like one. That was a Duck Race Day I'd like to forget.

Meanwhile, we'd not forgotten about how Rodrick had wrongly accused Raymand. So we threw him in, in case there was a case of deliberate misdirection going on. And Rodrick's always been a suspicious character, what with his spangly track-suit, large warty nose and goatie beard. So we threw him in. To be fair he did sink. But we're putting that down to the medallion round his neck.

Anyway, by tea-time last night half the Community had been thrown in the pond. Amazing how these things take on a life of their own. I'm just glad it's calmed down now.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to break off. There's a mob of angry people with burning torches, banging on my door and carrying what looks like a ducking stool. I suspect I may be late for Pouring-out of Beakers.


  1. Your community sounds like Sarum, not Husborne Crowley, sorry, Crawley.

    If you decide the burning is permitted under current legislation, I suspect you might need alternative legal advice.

    And, you need a Magistrate or travelling Witch Hunter General to pronounce on these things. Unfortunately, that is currently on the list of obsolete employments. Only available in darker areas of Ruritania.

    Perhaps an appeal to the Outgoing Arch Bishop of Canterbury would help - he looks like a travelling wizard with his pointy hat and wand (Mitre and Crozier) and he might even float.

  2. As every Witchfinder General knows, wet witches don't burn - thereby again proving they're witches.


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