Sunday, 17 February 2013

Know Your Congregation

Once again the all-important question has to be asked. Should we RF-ID the Beaker Folk?

It was originally Burton's idea, with his suggestion that chipping the worshippers would make them easier to count, without having to go to all that trouble with indelible ink. At the time I had my doubts - not least because of the threat of tracking my own movements using GPS - but now I'm becoming convinced of the benefits.

It was putting in the RF-operated electronic cat flap for Grendel, the Community Cat, that put the idea in my head again. We formerly left the window open for him, but I was starting to get tired of the prey that he left laying around after a night's hunting. I mean, who enjoys finding a dead fox on the kitchen floor in the morning? Not to mention the danger that Bernie might decide to serve it up for breakfast. And we thought we'd go for the electronic cat flap to stop the local badgers wandering in, terrifying the Beaker Folk when they go shuffling through the bins. The badgers, that is, snuffling - not the Beaker Folk.

You see, the Beaker People have a habit of getting themselves locked out at night. Whether it's been a "session" at the White Horse, or a particular late-night moon-related Occasion, or just plain dimness. And then there's all the usual trouble with them phoning up mates to let them in, wandering around in the dark, falling into the brook or just howling outside in the cold.

So my theory is, if we chip them all, we can fit a revolving door. Nobody else will be able to get in, but Beaker People will have free ingress and egress at all times. Also, I'll be able to control access, so anyone that requires expulsion from the Community can be made extra-mural at one swipe of an Android tablet. By fitting scanning tunnels to the Moot House doors, I will be able to check up on attendance at Pouring-out of Beakers and Filling-up of Beakers when I'm away. Which will save a fortune on listening devices, CCTV and bandwidth.

And I will be able to achieve my ultimate ambition, of pay-per-worship tithing. Obviously, most events will still be free. But "premium" Occasions, such as Yule, Samhain and the Nativity of Kirsty MacColl, will carry a top-up charge, which I'll be able to take directly from the Folk as they enter the Worship "space". It's simple but effective.

So now all I need is a computer programmer, a card payments expert, a network engineer and a vet. Although, in these financially restricted times, maybe I can get Young Keith to do the lot.


  1. It'll be the Nativity of Kirsty MacColl to start with (fond thoughts), then before you know it, you'll be celebrating the Nativity of her dad, a very different matter. As anyone who attended a Ewan MacColl gig will know, all males would be obliged adopt his beard and eyewear. I have a feeling the Beaker folk might expect female worshippers to follow suit.

  2. "The first time ever I saw your face" being a song about a folk-musician who had a shave.

  3. Everyone has a smart phone these days so QR codes tattooed onto the forehead must surely be the only way to go?

    1. It's time somebody found a proper use for them, that's for sure.


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