ISTJ: "Welcome. The hymn books are in shelf "A". The service sheets are piled on table "B". The three seats next to the memorial to Parson Maybold are available, and have a 75% view of the High Altar, 89% view of the font and good auditory characteristics during the sermon."
ESTJ: "I'm sure you'll have a great time with Houghton Methodists. It's a great place to relax. Which is why I love it. I'm door steward, circuit steward, treasurer and Local Preacher here. What rotas can I put you on? We've grass-cutting, gardening, evangelism, cleaning, coffee, cake stall, jumble sale...."
ISFJ: "It's lovely to see you. Here's a hymn book, and a service sheet. And should you get a cough during the service I'll make sure you get a cup of water, don't you worry. There's some spaces over there... no, don't walk. Let me carry you over."
ESFJ: "Hello! And who are you? Where do you live? So you must know old Doris? Yes - she is wonderful, isn't she? Are these all your children? And do you have a husband? Lovely. And are all these his children? You really must bring him along. No, I've nothing at all against militant atheists. I'm sure he'll soften up once he's sung a few hymns."
ISTP: "Good morning. All the stuff's just there - just take one of everything. Sorry I'm not much help, only the heating's broken down, and I'm trying to reconstruct the thermostat using a champagne cork and a length of fuse wire."
ESTP: "It's brilliant to meet you! And it's brilliant to meet me, too, of course. This is such a lovely church. The pastor's really nice, and the choir are lovely singers. Old Esme over there is wonderful - and much happier since she had that op on the old "Farmer Giles". Have a hymn book. The hymns are smashing. And God's great, too."
ESFP: Well hello! I'm Judy, and it's lovely to be able to share with you. Can I give you this stuff? I'm in a bit of a hurry, as I've got to tune up my guitar, check I've got the right reading, put on the chasuble, check I've got the prayers with me and put my sermon in the pulpit."
ISFP: "Oh! Sorry, I was miles away. It was the smell of last week's incense, still just noticeable in the air. And it took me back to that snowy Epiphany when the first snowdrops were just poking through, the walk to church through the frosted wood and the warm light glowing in the crib scene, contrasting with the brittle coldness of the church."
ENTJ: "Welcome to St Agatha's. If your child continues to sniff, my assistant welcomer will provide her with a tissue. Please could your family sit up straight? It makes the liturgy look so much neater if the congregation make an effort."
INTJ: "Welcome to St John's, on this 3rd Sunday after Trinity (or fourth after Pentecost). I'm chief welcomer, Barry is on the hymn-book-handing-out rota, Jeffrey is responsible for handing out the service sheets, Molly will give you a welcome pack and Brian will lead you to your seat. Try to pick one by an aisle, please. It just makes it more efficient to get up for communion."
ENTP: "Hello! And what a sunny Trinity Sunday it is! And the good news is, Reverend Lucy is going to be preaching on The Trinity! What a theme! What a challenge! What an inspiration! Oh, feel free to pick up some service stuff, won't you?"
INTP: "Have a sheet. It's all correct apart from, in my opinion, the Sanctus. You know, where it says 'Holy, holy, holy Lord - God of power and might'? I reckon it should be 'Holy, holy, holy - Lord God of power and might.' And obviously, I worry about the Filioque. Oh... they've gone. Never mind..."
ENFJ: "Oh I'm so pleased to see you. I was starting to think nobody apart from the 75 of us already here were coming. It's great that you're here. You've got the handouts? Do you need the big-print version of the hymn book? If you need a glass of water, all the drinks stuff is at the back of the church. If your children need the toilet, afraid we've not got one so you'll have to go home. Why don't I take you to your seats? Do you mind if I sit with you? It's lonely over there by the door on my own."
INFJ: "Hello, you must be Sandra? Just a lucky guess... Now here's a hymn book. You'll probably want to sit over there - just far enough from the choir that they won't bring on your tinnitis, but not too far to walk on that awkward ankle. DON'T SIT THERE! One row back will be just right."
ENFP: "Welcome to Barnet Open Baptists. We're always open, and we're always Baptists! Have a hymn book. And a free leaflet - I love this one. It's all about GOD! Isn't that fantastic? Let's hope we finish on time, because afterwards I'm managing the under-11 football team, who are brilliant. And then it's a faith lunch, which is at our house, which is fantastic. And then we've a praise session this afternoon, which will be great, then a faith tea at our house, and then a Bible Study. My wife's having the morning off. Yes, she's a bit tired, she says. Oh look! Someone else to welcome..... "
INFP: "Sorry there's nobody here to welcome you. I'm in the churchyard looking at the crocuses."