Former Anglicans often come to us and say they are "depressed". But we tell them there is no such thing as depression. What they have is what we call "Post-Anglican Disorder", and the cure is not anti-coanglicant drugs, but to lift them up from the Book of Common Prayer Confession-related grovelling they've been doing, and discover their true worth.
Oh God, it must be great for you to see us;
A sight for sore eyes.
In fact you must have been pretty lonely so far today,
Knocking around this cold, empty building on your own.
So it's nice of us to spare you the time, if you think about it.
Saves you from talking to yourself
Although we accept that, theologically speaking
you probably do that the whole time
Kind of goes with that whole "Trinity" concept
Though we won't think about your wondrous Trinity in unity too much
as we don't understand it
and focusing on our own limitations
tends to get us down.
So we don't want to meditate on things we don't understand
as that might make us feel small
and we're here to feel good about ourselves
because that is, after all, what worship's about.
And so we thank you for your goodness in creation
All the trees and bees and seas blah blah
But most of all for us
What a treat it must have been for you
We couldn't have done it better ourselves
Albeit we might have skipped the "ageing and dying" bit
Bit of a design flaw, there?
Anyway, we're sure it's been a blessing on all sides, our visit to you here.
And the flower ladies will be in Saturday morning.
And if we've got time we'll pop back
next Sunday for the Taize Evening.
But excuse us if we mostly have our eyes shut
We won't be ignoring you
We'll just be concentrating on how good we're feeling.
We're off now
We'll shut the door so you don't have a draught.
We're off to our exciting lives!
Don't feel too lonely
We know how much you miss us
After all - what else do you have to live for?