Saturday, 9 May 2015

How Could the Outcome of the Election Have Been so Wrong?

An external enquiry has been ordered into the results of the General Election. Many on the "Progressive" wing, whatever that means, are determined to find out how the wrong outcome was obtained, despite the efforts of the media (Steve Coogan and Russell Brand) to influence it. Indeed, many believe that, in fact, the opinion polls were right and it was the election itself that was wrong.

"We know that the average margin of error of a poll is +/- 3 percent," said somebody who knows what the result should have been, "and therefore we can see that if Ukip and the Conservatives had won 3% less each, and Labour and the LibDems 3% more, we would now have Ed Miliband locked outside No 10 Downing Street trying to remember where he'd left the key, while Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper were wondering what to do with an 8 foot stone slab they've been given as a victory present."

"Gordon? It's Giles. Please can I take
this mind-control earpiece off now?"
Many are suggesting that getting the wrong result was due to so-called "Shy Tories", people who insisted on making their vote in secret booths rather than taking Selfies of themselves with their filled-in ballot paper with an X against "A B'Stard, Conservative".  While Giles Fraser is quite clear. The problem is democracy itself. Democracy is for liberal, over-educated vicars in South London. Not for nasty people, or people who think - against all Giles's clear-thinking reason - that the Conservatives might be good for themselves or the nation. How could they think that? Giles does not go so far as to specify that a public school education or a belief in the three-author theory of Isaiah should be a necessary prerequisite for voting. But you can tell that is the way to go.

 So it's clear. It's not that the opinion polls were wrong. The actual General Election had the wrong result. Polly Toynbee says so. Dame Shirley Williams was quite clear on "Question Time" that the electorate is not good enough for the Liberal Democrats. Giles Fraser is ashamed to be English. We've let the progressives down. We've let the people of Hampstead down. We've let Brian May, Prof Stephen Hawking and Steve Coogan  down. And we've let ourselves down. If we can't come up with the right answer, we don't deserve democracy.


  1. Giles' article explains at least one mystery. I believe Anti Moly escaped from her Notting Hell dungeon without her hearing aid in search of gin supplies a few weeks ago, and was last spotted outside a defunct Threshers in Stamford Hill. Can't help wondering if she was the old dear that he wasted the morning with.

  2. I have conducted what I believe is a completely accurate poll by asking the 650 new members of the House of Commons how they would vote. Admittedly they are not representative of the population at large, seeing as how they contain a higher proportion of thieves, psychopaths and other dubious characters, but my prediction based on their replies is that Cameron will have 331 seats, a majority of 12 if we count the Speaker as a member of the Opposition, as we must.

    Lord Ashcroft is not the only person to be able to conduct a poll single-handed.

  3. It's time to dissolve the electorate and choose a new one.

  4. "It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried" - a former Conservative Prime Minister.

  5. Giles Fraser's polling booth has plush blue satin curtains. Mine didn't have any curtain at all. He's right, democracy is broken.

  6. I have a theory? During WW2 the services used to put #Bromide in the tea to reduce the libado of service men (and women), particularly Sailors (girl in every port, a wife in the home port) to control the spread of STD's (not subscribter trunk dialing ((on sencond thoughts...) and other unfortunate activities while living cheek by jowl with each others in water and leach filled trenches in the Burmes Jungle or Hampstead Heath.

    The late CONDEM govenment (or at least Mr Gove) came up with a plan to put the secret ingredient taken by Tories when they have their brain removed, into the water supplies in England and Wales (the two places they had control over) but not Scotland as they knew full well that it'd be diluted by the neat Whisky drunk by true scots instead of tea (or shudder, Coffee). This secret ingredient altered the political leaning from right to left, so that when they voted, the naturally chose the true blues over the commies (sorry Labour) and hence returned a conservative government.

    I understand that there is a large stone tablet, only one unsatisfied user for sale, and some very disgruntled leftie politicians currently rushing in their applications for seats in the Lords. Bromide has a lot to answer for - it fathers the generations that we've just let in.


Drop a thoughtful pebble in the comments bowl