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Tuesday, 11 August 2015

QI 3000 - The World Day of Care for Creation

Stephen Frybot: And so, my little metalloid and mutant friends. What can you tell me about the origins of the Roman Catholic "World Day of Care for Creation"?

Alan Davisdroid: Well. My mother used to tell me it was all started by St Francis....

*KLAXON* "St Francis" flashes on the display.

Stephen Frybot: No, no, little Alan. St Francis did love all the birdies and the bunny-rabbits. But it wasn't him.

Phill Jupiterz: Was it invented because of the Little Baby Jesus being born in a stable, surrounded by animals?

*KLAXON* "Lickle Baby Jesus" flashes on the display.

Stephen Frybot: Phill, Phill, Phill. I've been telling you that the Baby Jesus never really existed for 1000 years now. Who are you going to believe - me or God?

Jack Whitehall's Brain in a Saline Solution in a Bottle: Was it a copy of the Church of England Harvest Festival?

*KLAXON* "Harvest Festival" flashes on the display.

Stephen Frybot: No, Jack. Although we know the Catholic Church copied many things from the Church of England: Women bishops, for example, Lord of the dance, Lycra cassocks and out-of-tune guitars, they never stole that lovely Harvest Festival.

The Electronic Memory of Rory Bremner: I remember something about Harvest Festival. It was invented by Parson Hawker of Morwenstowe. He used to sit around for hours on end, taking drugs. And therefore is now the Patron Saint of the BBC.

At the words "BBC", all may bow.

Stephen Frybot: Very good, Rory! You can have some points.

The Electronic Memory of Rory Bremner: Yeah, fat lot of good they'll do me, living on this slice of germanium.

Stephen Frybot: No, this really is interesting. And, after 1000 years, it's actually the first true thing about religion I've explained on this programme. No, the "World Day Of Care for Creation" was originally an attempt by the Catholic Church to take over "Earth Hour". In those days, the more-comfortable people of the Earth used to live in an awful feeling of sinfulness about the way they flew around in planes, drove cars and polluted the atmosphere in making their consumer goods. So to enjoy  guilt, they used to sit in the dark once a year and pretend they were helping. The Catholic Church saw all that guilt and, naturally, wanted a slice. So they invented the "World Day of Care for Creation" so they could try and pretend it was theirs all along. And, being really good at guilt, they got away with it.

Jimmy Carr's Robotic Teeth: And did they stop all the pollution? 

Stephen Frybot: No, they got the Chinese to do that instead.

Token Female Robot: And Jesus wasn't born on Earth Hour? 

Stephen Frybot: Indeed he wasn't. That was Mithras. And so, as Russell Brand's Immortal Ego said, as it ascended unto its Palace on the Moon, "Vanity, vanity - all is vanity." Goodnight. 

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