Being the geeky type, Burton got very excited about this (Japanese) invention. A cycle lock that only unlocks if you pass a breath test, and texts a sober friend if you fail. Though I have no idea how it knows which of your friends are sober. Monitors their Twitter feeds, I suppose.
Being nothing if not stupid, Burton then took the gadget and his bike off to the pub in Bedford for their regular "First Friday of the Week" drink. He locked the bike up outside and went in to have a thoroughly miserable evening. Burton says he now knows why he likes a beer when he's with his friends. He'd thought it was because it meant he could relax and be more sociable. Turns out it's because all his mates are really boring, and he notices when he's sober.
Boring but childish enough to keep running outside and blowing into his bike lock. Hnaef was getting really annoyed with the stream of "help":messages he received during Filling up of Beakers.
But the real disaster was, after a thoroughly dispiriting evening, when Burton went to retrieve his bike. That lock's not big. And to clamp the bike to the pub's drainpipe meant the mouthpiece was at a funny angle. And.....
Did you know that under Bedford byelaws you can be arrested on suspicion of carrying our an obscene act with a bicycle?
Being Bedford, by the time Burton got back to his bike, somebody had stolen the pub. So at least he was able to ride the bike without any more trouble. But as Burton said, if the thief had been sober, they could have had the bike as well.