Scottish GMO Ban - an Expert Writes

Genetic Engineering gone wild

As news breaks that Scotland is going to ban genetically modified plants, we are delighted to have the insight of Scottish landowner and expert in traditional farming methods, Lord Summerisle.

"The ban on genetically modified crops in Scotland is an enlightened approach to the problems of food production in a world that is becoming increasingly concerned about the environment. We have seen the damage that can be caused by genetically modified plants, especially in the case of triffids. Are mobile carnivorous plants the sort of things we want wandering around the Scottish countryside, consuming the inhabitants? The case is unanswerable.

"PC Howie put his Heart and Soul into our Apples"

The way to assure the integrity of Scottish food and drink is to employ the rigorously traditional methods of farming that have been used in the Scottish countryside since time immemorial. Which is why I will be pressing the Scottish Government to roll-out our pilot scheme of burning sacrificial victims inside Wicker Men across the nation. We have proven results, and no need to resort to dangerous, untested "science."

In other areas, we can see how the loss of traditional methods have caused problems in farming and wildlife. Take bees, for example. They have been hit by neonicotinoid chemicals, and changes in farming practice for sure. But what has surely been most responsible for the decline in honey bees is that nobody ever goes out to the hive to tell them when a member of the family has died. This is just asking for hive collapse.

And we have strong evidential proof that hanging stones with holes in them up in barns, in no ways protects tractors from night hags. This is another area where so-called progress is actually making matters worse. Who is speaking up for the tractors, being chased across the fields by evil witches all night? And no modern technology seems to be available to protect them.

I've been more concerned for my position in the community
since they all voted SNP at the General Election.

I would not like your readers to think that natural methods of farming are easy and fool-proof, however. Although we have additional politicians since devolution - thus increasing the number of "kings" and "fools" available to us - we are reaching the point where the shortage of virgins is at a critical state. Dancing naked is no longer a low-risk activity, since the police all started looking out for the "Naked Rambler".  And we are facing increasing costs - in order to comply with reductions in CO2 limits, we are looking at carbon sequestration for Wicker Man burning.  In short, in order for organic, traditional, non-intensive farming, sustained through human sacrifice to thrive in the Western Isles, what we need above all else is a decent Government grant.

What about it, Nicola? I've backed up your silly ban. Give us a subsidy."

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Stolen with gratitude from an original tweet by Robin Ince. 

Nicholas Cage was not harmed in the making of this blog post. Though his reputation was by his appearance in that ridiculous remake.

"Triffid" by John Wyndham, Assumed fair use as a low res image to illustrate this article.