Sunday, 23 August 2015

Taking Over from the Met

I am pleased to announce that, after a fair and considered bidding process, the Beaker Folk Weather Centre have won the contract to supply the BBC with weather. In fact, we've already hosed down Sir David Attenborough and locked Paul Hollywood in an industrial freezer to show him the real meaning of icing. And we did a bit of a rain dance for South London, but only enough to wind up the Aussies.

We were then informed that in fact it was forecasting, not weather itself, that we were supposed to be providing. So we won the contract on the grounds that we are substantially cheaper than the Met Office, and not much less accurate.

Scoffers may say that you can fulfil those criteria by sticking your head out the window and guessing it'll be much the same tomorrow. And indeed, what we call "Observational meteoroprognostication" is the core of our budget forecasting service. But the BBC have  bit more dosh, so we're throwing in some seeweed. Weather warnings will be issued on the basis of old Aggie's arthritics. If her ankle is playing up, you can expect a cold winter. If you really want serious weather manipulation, we'll sub-contract to Jeremy Corbyn. From what some Labour supporters are telling us, he can stop storms, make the sun go backwards and walk on water.

And now here is the weather. Tomorrow the weather in Husborne Crawley will be sunny with scattered showers, highs up to 68F / 20C. Much the same as today, in other words. That'll be 3 quid each, please.


  1. Let me know when you want snow again.

  2. I actually didn't know that the Met Office provided weather information to the BBC. I thought that it all came from Carol Kirkwood's cleavage in the form of red mist, which inspired her to talk with nearly an English Accent.

    Still, what are they going to do when she goes on Strictly - and dances the light fandango in lycra and extremely short skirts, will the BBC Board of Governors have a joint heart attack or stroke?

  3. I always got the impression that the Met weather presenters, if not the department itself, believed that they did actually dispense the weather, not just ill-informed chat about it. There was one young lady who habitually addressed the watching public as if dealing with a class of not-very-bright six-year olds.


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