"Welcome to St Agatha's! Nice to see someone new.
Feel free to sit where you like.
No, not there. That's Vyvian's seat. And he doesn't really like people too close to him... so I'd avoid the pew in front. And behind. Oh - and in his peripheral vision. That's the worst, of course. Makes him jump.
Maybe over there... oh no - that's where the Wardens sit. I meant a bit further forward. Yes, I suppose that pillar does block your view of the pulpit. I don't really think that's a bad thing is it?
Ooh. I wouldn't sit there. That's the seat where our MP sits if she attends. No.... not very likely. But if she did you'd have to move. You know, like in that parable. And you wouldn't want to be scorning the Good Book's advice on seating.
Yes, over by the children's corner is fine. You'll not be bothering any one there. Just be careful. Little Arnold gets a bit frustrated when he's bored, and starts throwing bricks out the corner. No, you're right. Foam blocks won't hurt anyone. But unfortunately these are real bricks.
Yes, this is a small church. If we had more space we wouldn't have to store building materials in the children's play area.
No, please not there. That's Agnes's pew. She'd be really upset if she knew you were sitting there. No, she won't actually be here, bless her. She's more here in spirit. That's her memorial over there. 80 years she sat in that seat.
Oh, vicar's arrived. Looks like it's just us three then. Normally there would be more. But you know, it's half term..."