Saturday, 15 October 2016

Liturgy for Installing a WiFi Connected Printer

Archdruid: Have you pressed button A?

All: We have pressed button A.

Archdruid: And flasheth the blue light?

All: The blue light flasheth.

Archdruid: And who holdeth the router?

Router Bloke: I do.

Archdruid: Then press the button on the router, Router Bloke.

Router Bloke: All righty.

Archdruid: And can the laptop see the printer, Hnaef?

Hnaef: The laptop cannot see the printer. There is no vision of the printer. Bereft, the laptop wandereth the network and findeth not a printer.

Archdruid: Which button didst thou press on the router, Router Bloke?

Router Bloke: The On/Off button.

Archdruid: And hast thou now lost all light from the eye of the router?

Router Bloke: Indeed. The light hath fled from the eye of the router and it blinketh not.

Archdruid: Thou'st switched off the router, instead of pressing the Button of Connection. Thou great nerk.

Router Bloke: Indeed, I bewail my stupidities and shall cast myself on the ground in dust and ashes.

Archdruid: Or thou couldst just switch it back on again?

Router Bloke: Awake, O Sleeper!  And bind the devices of this house again together with thy WiFi.

Archdruid:  OK.  Let's try again. Have you pressed Button A?

All: We have pressed Button A.

All: Behold! For the printer now printeth.

Burton: No. That's just the test page. I was fiddling around...  I'll switch it off and back on again...

He presses the power button. 

The printer continues to print.

He holds the power button down. 

The printer continues to print.

Eileen may at this point utter some drastically unclerical expressions involving Burton and the printer.

Marston Moretaine pulls out the plug. 

The printer continues to print. 

Eileen pulls the fuses out of the fuse box, throwing the Great House, Moot House and the whole of Husborne Crawley into darkness.

The printer continues to print.

Three hours later

Hnaef: And so we commit this printer to the landfill, microchip to microchip, the casing which Eileen has so cruelly smashed with a cricket bat to dust, in sure and reckless disregard of the WEEE regulations....


  1. Hnaef should read "The Law of Waste Management, (2nd Edition", pp482-503. A snip at £125.

  2. "He presses the power button.

    The printer continues to print.

    He holds the power button down.

    The printer continues to print."

    That reminds me of the fun and games of print servers and JetDirect boxes (basically a box with a network cable on one end and a parallel cable on the other), and dealing with the results whenever someone tried to cancel a print job by powercycling a printer. Because the printer wasn't a network printer the server wouldn't know that this had happened, and when the printer powered back up it would continue sending it the rest of the print job... which the printer invariably decoded as "print two lines of garbage on each and every piece of paper".

  3. Reminds me of Mickey Mouse as The Sorcerer's Apprentice

  4. Public service announcement: this is highly unsuitable reading for anyone nursing a baby to sleep while humming “loch lomond“. You will not be able to keep up a steady, calming hum. Instead, you will snort with badly suppressed laughter until the baby, alas, realizes that interesting stuff is going on and it might as well wake up and join invthe fun.

    I love this blog. Thank you, thank you, thank you.



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