Friday, 27 July 2018

This is How Abusers Work

The papers report that the Prince of Wales supported Peter Ball when he was accused of abuse.

This is how abusers work. They don't just work on children and the vulnerable. They work on the strong and self-reliant. The Prince of Wales is no idiot. But he was groomed by Peter Ball. Every abuser has to pull the wool over the eyes of the strong as well.

If you think "I can't believe X would do that"
If you think "X isn't the sort. X is married with children."
If you think "X has admitted X was wrong in the past. I'm sure that will never happen again...."

You are putting yourself into the same position as Prince Charles when he couldn't believe what mean things people were saying about Peter Ball.

This is how abusers work. 

They groom the strong too.

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  1. Hiding in plain sight. The rector couldn't possibly do that. Funny he was moved so quickly from his last parish...

  2. Please do not rely on what the papers report; read the transcripts.

  3. What Archimandrite Simon said. People DO get falsely accused. It's just too easy in this hyper-sensitive climate, and once the charge is out there, no one lives it down.

  4. Sexual offenders are sinners like the rest of us. And they do have - and desperately need - good relationships with other people. They don't "groom" - horrible, simplistic word - everyone they come in contact with, any more that the rest of us give way to our worst impulses every single time we meet someone.

    And that's even without considering the danger in reading whatever's reported or implied in the media without checking sources.

  5. Thank you, Archdruid, for these wise words. And yes, Simon, I have read the transcripts. All of them.

  6. Yup, I ran a thriving Sunday School and youth group and never realised the vicar was abusing the children I cared for while giving us unprecedented support. Alas, it isn't simple; the vicar had also been abused at a boarding school when an orphan by the man who taught him about Christ. Life is messy. I think it is because of that vicar that my children aren't Christians. The vicar was also the best preacher that our church had had during our time there. How do you channel your anger in such circumstances?

  7. Nobody can ‘groom’ everyone they come into contact with, but abusers are particularly clever at selecting significant individuals and ensuring they know a distorted version of the truth. They are very, very clever at what they do and it causes profound damage and misery. So, whilst acknowledging abusers are human and desperately need good relationships, the priority must be to focus on the abused and the damage done. And there remains the possibility that, for some abusers, wholesome relationships may remain an anathema. Life is, indeed, messy.

  8. Thank you. A few days ago I happened to be visiting my hometown, and saw in the local paper a tribute to a childhood acquaintance, recently deceased. He had been abused as a boy by our Scoutmaster. The tribute was by another former scout, also a victim. He reflected on Dave's courage in speaking out, in asking the authorities how the abuse could have gone on for over 20 years (the abuser was also a schoolteacher and advisor to the school's audio-visual club, and director of the town's swimming facility, and some victims came from those), as well as about his survivor's guilt for not having spoken up at the time. It is very true that abusers are master manipulators, and manipulate strong and weak alike.


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