When the Person Who Really Wanted to be Welcomer Got the Job

Hello - lovely to see you!

I'm Amie, and I'm here to ensure you've got everything you need. Have you been to St Martha's before? You'll need a hymnbook, and the extra sheet. You don't really need any of the tax paperwork just yet - but obviously we hope you'll come here again. We're a really friendly fellowship.

Do you live in Little Tremlett? That's wonderful. Have you lived here long? And what's your name, young man? And your sister? Do you go to Great Tremlett School? You must have met my friend - she's a dinner lady. That's right - Aggie. Do you know if her phone is working at the moment? Oh.

And - I hate to ask, but just so I don't come across as all clumsy and insensitive later - are you married? Oh. That's great. I just wondered, as you don't look like little Danny. Remarkable. Do you have a lot of recessive genes in your family? Just asking - no offence.

I've been coming to St Martha's for nearly six weeks now. I moved here from Luton. Yes, Luton's lovely, but they're unfriendly people. Every time I walked down George Street, everybody was diving into shop doorways. You can't believe in a town that big that everybody would be so afraid of talking to other people. But in Little Tremlett, everybody seems so friendly. Although I'm worried that the beer they sell at the "Half Moon" must be quite strong. People always seem to be falling into hedges when I see them out in the street.

I'm here every Sunday, of course. Although I've got a week off in April. I'm hoping to go to Bournemouth with my husband. No, I'm not married. But I've got my eye on Rodney. Yes, he's a regular attender. Although it doesn't look like he's here today. I wonder where he is? I promised him last week that I'd make sure I always sit in his pew. He was ever so happy. Happy inside. He's a quiet type.

Anyway, anything you want to know - just ask. I'll keep an eye out in case you don't understand anything, or you're standing up or sitting down at the wrong time. Don't worry. I'll be watching you. Very carefully.....