I'm a big fan of the 4th of July. There's a great deal to celebrate, though I don't know why the Americans get quite so involved. My happiness revolves around 2 central issues.
Issue the first: we should always celebrate great British victories, and this is one of them. British colonists triumphing over Swiss mercenaries working for a German king: what could be more British? We won!
Issue the second: we got rid of the Americans. I have a great deal of time for some Americans. But I have a great deal of time for some bacteria, too. Mainly, in fact, the ones that help me digest food, so maybe the analogy breaks down there. Part of the excitement in which the Americans tend to indulge seems to revolve round a general "hah, we're not governed by you anymore, ner-ner-nuh-ner-ner" sentiment, which is not only childish, but also misses the point. There's an assumption in there that we'd like them back. I've tried to disabuse many Americans of this view, but they just don't get it. The very last thing we want is to have them back. There are so many reasons, but let's start with the most important: they don't know how to make tea. Ever since the "Boston Tea Party" incident, they've been mistreating the Creator's greatest gift to humankind (after his Son, and the Holy Ghost, and maybe Audrey Hepburn and Barbara Windsor and P.G. Wodehouse and Enrique Iglesias, of course). If they can't even make a decent cup of tea, then we're best shot of them, in my view.
So, let's celebrate.
