Disturbing news from Young Keith, who's been applying the theory that either Genesis 1-3 is literally true or else God doesn't exist, to other fields of endeavour.
He started by looking at Schrödinger's Cat. Judging by the legal records of early-mid 20th Century Austria, it is evident that at no time did Schrödinger ever actually put a cat in the situation recorded. There are no historical mentions of half-dead cats wandering the streets of Vienna. Therefore no cat actually existed. And if Schrödinger never actually had a cat, then Quantum Physics is clearly false.
He went on to Organic Chemistry. We will remember that in explaining the structure of Benzene, Kekulé described how he had a dream of seeing a snake catching its own tail. By Kekulé's own admission a dream, so the snake never existed - and in any case the idea of a snake catching its tale comes from the Worm Ouroboros - which is a myth. So clearly Organic, or at the very least, Aromatic Chemistry is false. Kevin's theory is that Kekulé's dreamt up the theory because he had been sniffing too much benzene - a chemical that Kevin has now proven doesn't exist. Kevin realises his argument is circular - but then so are (or aren't) the Aromatic Ring and the Worm Ouroboros.
Finally for Science, Keith went on to look at gravity. By considering the account of Stukeley, who apart from being the revered re-founder of our order of Christian Druids was also the man who wrote the account of Newton's Apple, we can see that Newton's Apple was only a theoretical apple - mythical apple, if you will. Not an empirical apple.
From this, with a stunning leap of counter-intuitive logic, Keith has concluded that Gravity doesn't work, and it's mere inertia that stops us falling off the earth. We've tried arguing with him, but he's using the Fourteenth Tenet of Post-Modern Belief - "that which is counter-intuitive is always true". So he's spent all night nailing everything to the ground. There's a number of Beaker People who got six-inch nails driven through their flares and into the floor of the Moot House during Pouring Out of Beakers this morning, and they're not happy.
Finally, Keith points out that Ron, Hermione and ideed Harry Potter himself are imaginary. So he has concluded that the virtues extolled by the Harry Potter series - such as bravery, goodness and friendship - aren't true either. So now he's nailed the Beaker People to the floor,bhe's going round kicking them up the backside. I think we're going to need to get his Uncle, the Police Constable, to bang him up for a little while until he's calmed down and achieved some kind of sense of proportion. And I need to check whether this is all down to Keith discovering where I stashed the rest of the Valentine's chocolate...
