Contemporary Christianity Exam

3 hours. No talking, mobile phones or proselytising. 

1. Why would you not want to be the next Archbishop of Canterbury? (Use no more than 6 sheets of paper)

2. A small Methodist chapel has six members. With the aid of compasses and a protractor, draw a diagram of the inter-relationships of the committees they are on. Use no more than four dimensions.

3. Using a sketch-map of the world, explain the Anglican Covenant. (Do not colour countries in pink. We don't own them any more).

4. A URC chapel has 20 members. Draw the typical seating arrangement at 10.29 on a Sunday. (Use the back row only)

5. At an evangelical church, Alfie has "gone forward" 7 times in the last year. Bertie has "gone forward" 4 times and Chelsea 10 times. Why on earth does the pastor keep making altar calls?

6. Two Anglican clergy are trapped between floors in a lift. What are the chances, by the time they are rescued, of a schism?

7. The graph below shows an experiment on the effect of incense concentration on congregation members.

a) At which concentration of incense has the entire congregation passed out?
b) Why were people coughing even when the thurible was empty?

8. Compose a letter to the local newspaper complaining that the local minister is introducing "modern" worship. Feel free to use the expressions "thin end of the wedge", "dancing in the aisles" and "Graham Kendrick".

9. Imagine God's feelings about current Anglican pre-occupations. Try not to let your tears stain the paper.

10. Geoff has 55 tea lights. Jane has 55 hazelnuts. Paul has 5 large pebbles and Sue has a small paper-shredder. Why do you suspect that you may be on a theological training course?

11. On a silent retreat, what percentage of the men will be in the pub within 10 minutes of Compline? Clue for people with Arts degrees - "100%" is equal to all of them)

12. "The only thing worse than an Episcopalian's taste in vestments is a modern Catholic's taste in architecture." Discuss.

13. If it costs £250,000 to meet David Cameron, just how gullible are you? (This isn't a question about Christianity, thankfully, but I just fancied asking it).

14. With the aid of filters and fair-trade ingredients, explain why you suspect that "Cafe Church" may be a middle-class concept.

15. If Jesus wanted to let little children come to him, what is the average age of your congregation?

Dumbing Down of Exam Standards

There has been a great deal of fuss over the alleged dumbing-down of Science Exam standards.

Oddly some of this was aimed at our own Beaker Examining Board.  Some people seemed to think we have abandoned scientific impartiality in order to "target" (whatever that may mean) the Faith School market.  I hope last year's Year 9 Science exam, attached below, will prove this is not true.

BEAKER EXAMINING BOARD

YEAR 9 SCIENCE FOR FUNDAMENTALISTS

Please write only in green crayon and on one side of the earth (the flat side) only.

Section 1 - PHYSICS

1 - "Light is...."
(a) A wave
(b) A stream of particles, or "photons"
(c) Both of the above depending upon your frame of reference and the type of experiment you are carrying out
(d) God's clothing

2 - Why do we not float off from the earth?
(a) Gravitional attraction
(b) Because it's flat
(c) Because it's a giant magnet and we have iron in our bodies
(d) Because God said.

3.  The universe is claimed to be c. 12 billion years old, yet the farthest stars are apparently 25 billion light years away.  Explain?
(a) There's something wrong with the calculation
(b) The expansion of the universe has caused it.
(c) Some stars travel in warp drive.
(d) God set it up so it looked that way, in 4004BC.  He created all the light on its way in at the same time.  This was a very clever trick to test the faithful and fool those who are wise in their own eyes.

4.  The limits on radiocarbon dating are now up to 70 thousand years.  What would this be useful for?
(a) Checking the freshness of food in supermarkets.
(b) Dating mammoths, stone-age humans and petrified forests.
(c) Nothing whatsover.  

5.  Schrodinger's cat is...
(a) A thought experiment
(b) A very cruel experiment, which proves why we should not trust scientists
(c) Demised
(d) Very much still with us
(e) 50% (c) and 50% (d)
(f) Hang on, I'll just open the box.  Oh dear...

6.  Fire is...
(a) The glowing of particles releasing energy after combustion
(b) One of the four elements, alongside water, earth and air
(c) A useful tool in dealing with heresy

Section 2 - GEOLOGY

1- How did fossils come to be in the rock strata?
(a) They're the remains of animals that were caught in the Flood
(b) They were put there by God to test us in our faith
(c) They were put there by the evil one to tempt us to abandon our faith
(d) They were put there by Steve Borthwick to confuse us.

2 - What action caused the creation of the Himalayas?
(a) Plate tectonics
(b) A giant tortoise ploughed into India after an ill-fated freak mutation meant it could fly but not very well.
(c) They're the remains of a dead giant
(d) God made them in 4004 BC

3 - What kind of rock was laid down by the shells of tiny sea creatures in the Cretaceous period, roughly 100 million years ago?
(a) Marble
(b) Limestone
(c) You having a laugh?

Section 3 - MEDICINE

1 - Historically, how would you treat somebody who was suffering from manic depression?
(a) Beat them with sticks to drive out the demons
(b) Chain them up and beat them with sticks on a strictly scientific basis
(c) Medication
(d) Pray for them
(e) All of the above
(f) Offer aromatherapy

2 - What would be your first actions if finding someone who had lost a hand in a road crash?
(a) Pray that the hand would be restored
(b) Phone an ambulance, keep them still and laid down, apply pressure in an attempt to restrict blood flow
(c) Offer aromatherapy
(d) Beat them with sticks to drive out the demons

3 - How would you treat sufferers from Swine Influenza
(a) Antibiotics
(b) Anti-virals
(c) Beat them with sticks to drive out the demons.

4 - What would the best method of dealing with a fever be?
(a) Paracetamol
(b) Cold flannel
(c) A nice warm blanket and hot water bottle
(d) Look, just pass me the sticks, I'll beat them myself.