The Great Healing Prayer Experiment

We've always taken a great interest in the Science vs Religion debate.  And we decided that we wanted to get to the bottom of the issue of whether prayer is efficacious in healing or not. So we thought we'd set up a proper experiment to see what the best cure is for swine flu - science or prayer for healing.

Now the first problem we had was getting several people to catch swine flu at the same time.  Thankfully, as a result of locking six people in the Study together with someone who was already suffering, and leaving them for a week, we soon had our supply of guinea pigs.

We were very keen to maintain scientific rigour.  So we locked each of our victims subjects into their rooms and pushed food and drink under their doors (basically, tortillas and wet flannels worked.  Victoria sponges were a real disaster).  The "treatment" for each was as follows:

We prayed six times a day for Elspeth.
We prayed three times a day for Aardwolf.
We lit a tea light every evening for Aldo.
We gave Roordrick Tamiflu
We let Gordo drink single malt whisky.
We beat Dryad with sticks to drive out the demons.
We also locked Rondolf in his room without any treatment as a control*.

After three days, Elspeth was "feeling a bit blurgh".  Aardwolf was coughing, but otherwise still alive.  Aldo was middling, Roordrick was vomiting from the effects of the Tamiflu, and Gordo suffering from much the same condition due to the whisky.  But on the third occasion that we went to beat Dryan with sticks, she punched Hnaef in the eye and ran out into the garden screaming "Leave me alone!  I'm feeling much better now!"
All of which leads us to conclude that, given the various options for treating disease, beating people with sticks to drive out the demons is definitely the best option.  I reckon it's all pretty conclusive.  In fact, we're going to try it on Rondolf now.

*He didn't even have flu, which made him an even better control.

Swine Flu Latest

After the latest swine flu update from the British Government, telling us that there's another 70,000 plus cases arisen in the last week, it's time to put back the precautions we had in early summer.
Accordingly, the "manly handshake of blessing" is once again replaced with the "waving gingerly from behind a perspex screen of blessing". The snog of peace and hug of hunny-bunnyness are definitely still banned. And please avoid sharing Beakers.

Swine Flu Update

Many official bodies - especially hospitals and churches - have been recommending the use of alcohol based hand cleaning gels to restrict the outbreak of H1N1 "Swine Flu" influenza.  

Which is ironic, because Marston Mortaine caught Swine Flu despite drinking bottles of the stuff.  He says he likes the taste.*

I'm glad that we managed to prevent the first outbreak of Swine Flu in the Community just as long as we did.   A combination of rigorous hygiene and banning the Sharing of the Hug of Friendship and all hand-holding related ceremonies seemed to do the job.  Along with a no-sharing policy on pebbles and tea lights, and shrink wrapping all participants in major ceremonies.

We've delivered Marston's Tamiflu to him this morning.  Now it's only flu - even if it's a man who's caught it - so I want to see a sensible approach to this with no panic measures.

So for the time being, we're keeping it at a yellow cross painted on Marston's Door, and all Beaker People to wear surgical masks at all times.  Makes eating tricky I know, but better safe than sorry.  Meanwhile it's important Marston gets some fresh air when he wants (and he's got to make it down the corridor to the toilet) so we've equipped him with a hand-bell to ring whenever he's out and about.  And we've evacuated three rooms either side of Marston's, just to be on the safe side.

* Don't drink alcohol-based hand gels.  It's a really bad idea.  No, really.  A really, really bad idea.  Leave hand-gels for hands.

Swine Flu Precautions Continued

We have had certain mutterings that, now the initial wave of cases is receding, perhaps we should loosen the Swine Flu precautions - especially with respect to the Hand of Friendship within the ceremony of Pouring Out of Beakers.  With respect, I think not.

The Hand of Friendship has over the years become more informal, more - let me say - friendly.  And not always appropriate.  The Hand of Friendship became the Hug of Friendship.  OK, nothing to worry about there - although the ceremony took a little longer.  From here to the Quick Peck on the Cheek of Friendship was but a short step.  

If only we had stopped there.  But oh, no.  Next we had the Kissing Both Cheeks of Friendship - and by this summer we were straying into the Big Wet Kiss of Friendshipm, and some people were flirting - which is almost definitely the right word - with the Snog of Friendship.

It was time to stop, and this disease has given us the perfect opportunity to go back to First Base, as it were.  So until the pandemic has been declared over by all competent authorities (i.e. not the Government) - we are back to the Wave of Friendship, or the Slight Smile of Friendship.  With everyone remaining respectfully, and hygienically, in their places.