Olney the Lonely

The BBC bring us news of a fascinating piece of meta-analysis that reveals that, in the great scheme of things, loneliness is a big killer. What does it teach us?

I suppose it tells us that it's a good idea for people to see other people. Naturally the government's doctors won't be allowed to recommend people get down the pub as a way of improving their health, but I don't know - bit of a walk either side of some social interaction, and nobody's making them consume alcoholic drinks if they don't want to - I hear such beverages as Irn Bru and Tizer are also available.

But it's a fact, the scientists say, that people need people. Some would say it's an echo of the Trinity, coded into our very beings. Others, that humans have evolved to be social because when our many-great-grandparents came down from the trees, they needed to be able to gang up against lions, hyenas and Millwall supporters. Indeed, my great-uncle Freddie Fitzroy-Russell spent most of his life living up a tree, only coming down occasionally to hunt a gazelle or whatever in the Safari Park. It was poor Freddie's condition that encouraged the rest of the family to stop only marrying other people called Fitzroy-Russell, so at least his life wasn't completely wasted.

Of course, others might reflect that this is why, as I mentioned the other day, there are only twelve anchorites in the Church of England.

But it should give us great encouragement to get together. It's not just good for the people you see, particularly should you go out of your way to see someone who lives alone (that's someone who's expecting you or whom you know - don't just go freelancing, that's not at all wise) - it's good for you as well.

The Beaker Society

It's truly an historic day as I stand here before you, as the first Archdruid to address the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley Mini-Moot since the last time.  And I really want to talk to you about the Beaker Society, my new idea that everyone ignored last time but you're all going to have to listen now because I'm in charge.

But first - there's been a lot of talk about our reductions to the Single Family Cashback. And I have been reminded that this also affects the 2-Parent Family Cashback scheme as well. But I have good news. In 3-4 years time I hope to reward the two-parent families with some stickers, which I hope will make up for the lost 600 quid per annum. I'm afraid I can't think of any such sop for the Single Families.  But I hope they'll be comforted by the thought that the stickers came free in the children's activity packs, when I took my nieces out for a pizza the other day. And I also hope that they'll be too busy to do much about it.

But let no-one be in any doubt. We need a lot of money to do the old place up a bit. Mr Jovanovich and his colleagues left quite a mess behind. And so we're putting a special "cleaning up the place surcharge" on the prices of all souvenirs in the Beaker Bazaar. And room rents are going up 10%. And for those people on the "assisted room rents" scheme - you're not any more.

But I'd like to remember the words of St Francis at this time. "Grant me the treasure of sublime poverty", said the saint. And you can be assured that in poverty we will be set free.

Let me give you an example. Until now, anyone falling into the brook on the way back from the White Horse would have to wallow around in the mud until Harriet Harman, complete with the appropriate approval forms signed in triplicate, could be induced to come round and help. And even when, for reasons of Health and Safety, the right equipment was on site to extricate the bewildered Beaker Person - they would have to give evidence that their being removed from the mud would not cause them to make jokes about other people who were still in the mud.  But now - now, if a Beaker Person falls in the mud, they have total freedom to drag themselves out, no matter what age, gender or sexuality they may be, without any interference from the Nanny State or the Druidic Council.

Or take CCTV. Under Mr Jovanovich, this was an intrusion into our private lives - an imposition of the overbearing administration over the ordinary person. But no more. Now, we have licenced the CCTV to Hnaef.  He's hoping to make an absolute fortune selling film of amusing adventures and late-night liaisons to reality TV programmes. If using private initiative to make money out of the common person isn't what the Beaker Society is all about, I don't know what is.

I'm going to knock this talk on the head now. I know you're all just itching to get  outside and start picking up sticks and bits of old pallets and tyres out of the hedgerows.  We're going to be cutting back on heating in the Big House this winter, so you're all going to need all the fuel you can get. That's what the Beaker Society is all about. And don't forget, we're all in this together.