The Blessing of a Holy Toe

Much excitement about the place, after Ehrhead's announcement that he had a specially spiritual toe.

Within minutes a small sect had been set up, dedicated to the lessons that could be learnt from the possessor of a spiritual toe. While another small sect declared that claiming to have a spiritual toe is an example of the sin of pride, and opposed the Toenailites. Before we knew where we were, there were anathemas being exchanged at dawn and pro- and anti-toe proof texts flying across the hallways.

A particularly democratic bunch have decreed that all toes are spiritual, as the whole universe is imbued with the wonder of the divine. Ehrhead, after much thought, agreed that they were probably right, although his was specially holy. But what about people with athlete's foot or ingrowing nails, he asked? Should a bunion result in exclusion from the holy people? Or, indeed, a holey sock?

I wouldn't mind, but today's Liturgy of Mild Tolerance had been so encouraging as well. We agreed that all religions lead towards the same truth, that all roads lead to the top of the mountain (except the notoriously dangerous North Col route) and no blind person can describe a whole elephant. and yet, within twenty minutes of that meeting, some drivelling fool is proving that the concept of all religions being equal is rubbish, hopping around the place with his holy toe.

Well, I put my foot down.   Now nobody believes Ehrhead's toe is holy. Not now the nail's purple.

Not the Holy Grail

Combined with all the hysteria over Harold Camping's latest prediction of worldwide annihilation on Friday, we've been consumed with excitement over the discovery of what is claimed to be the Holy Grail. Hidden in a rabbit burrow by Joseph of Arimathea, it has passed the centuries safely until last night, when Young Keith put his foot in that same rabbit hole and wondered what he'd trodden on.

He's doing a roaring trade at a fiver a time charging people to touch the precious cup. But can I point out to you two things:

1) The Normans introduced rabbits to Britain. The Romans gave us many things, including writing, sanitation, roads, aqueducts and edible dormice. But not rabbits.

2) The "Grail" seems to have the kind of bottom that was designed to sit on a Bakelite base.

3) It carries the inscription "ABA - Beds light-heavyweight winner 1961".

I'm sorry but Cardinal Fang is going to have to confiscate it. A bit of light file-work and I'm hoping to rebrand it as the original FA Cup.