Apologies, there was a typo on the Community Noticeboard. It actually should have said "New Moon Watch". Due to fat fingers, it ended up as "New Moob Watch". Can you all please now stop walking around looking at Burton's chest. It's making him very self-conscious.
On the subject of the New Moon, the Watchers are now well-installed on the Watching Step. Yet another cold one, of course. Some people say that making people stand on a concrete step in all weathers for 48 hours to wait for the New Moon to appear is cruel. And I say yes it is, but don't we have to be cruel to be kind sometimes?
The Men of the Moot Council have come back from their annual Quiet Day. Hnaef says it was nice to be able meet in an environment free from competitiveness and the threat of violence. And I think it's good that they are able to relax for one day in the year. But if I find Drayton's been plotting again, there's going to be trouble.
Saturday, 13 February 2010
Friday, 12 February 2010
Commemoration of the Birth of Charles Darwin (1809)
The Giant Tortoise donkey derby will be run around the Paddock at 2pm. Now the legal people got very shirty when we asked about the import licences, and the man from the Ecuadorian government got very angry when we phoned up to ask if we could borrow half a dozen. So we're asking for volunteers to dress up in the Giant Tortoise suits. We hope, in any event, that this might make the races a bit quicker.
4pm the "Who can whistle like a finch" competition will be judged by a bloke who looks a bit like Bill Oddie. Look, we're not made of money.
The "Growing a Charles Darwin Beard" competition will be starting at 5pm. We realise that it could be quite dull, everyone in the Moot House watching Hnaef and Burton seeing who can grow a beard the quicker, but it will still be more exciting than watching the Arsenal-Liverpool game was on Wednesday.
The music for tonight's Festival of Darwin Service will be REM-themed. "Losing my religion" seems appropriate, and "Everybody Hurts" in honour of the behaviour of the Ichneumon wasp. And, given that general progressive 19th Century view on life, "Superman" - remembering Nietzsche as well there, you see. We'll also include D:Ream's "Things can only get better". We will then have the annual Darwin Memorial Cup: running 26 laps of the Community to demonstrate the concept of "Survival of the Fittest".
Also to celebrate Charlie D's life, we have been carrying out a series of scientific experiments into genetics. And we'd like to share the results with you now. I hasten to add this hasn't been peer-reviewed, or pier-reviewed, or even pear-reviewed. So don't go rushing to the press with health scares just yet. We'll do that instead, so we can make all the money. In order to sound all scientific, we've tried to use the scientific passive voice throughout.
1. A 5-legged drosophila in a glass jar together with a 7-legged drosophila. After 24 hours, both flies were dead. It had been forgotten to give them any air-holes.
2. Having obtained another 5-legged drosophila and 7-legged drosophila, holes were put in the jar. After 24 hours, both flies were gone. The air-holes, having been punched with a six-inch nail, were bigger than the flies.
3. Having eaten another jar of strawberry jam and punched small holes in the lid, a 4-legged and a 6-legged drosophila were put inside. After 24 hours, both flies had stuck to the jam on the glass.
4. Having cleaned out the jar and obtained a 3-legged and a 9-legged drosophila. 24 hours later we discovered both animals were alive but had not mated. It was suggested this was due to spatial difficulties in mating - the 3-legged specimen had all its legs on one side so was leaning over, while the 9-legged one, having legs all round, probably just couldn't get anything in the right place, so to speak. However on closer inspection it turned out that both were males, which probably explains it.
5. We got a male and female drosophila, each with 7 legs, in the jar. They were both eaten by the 9-legged one, which we forgot to take out.
6. We tried again. This time, successfully. A batch of eggs were laid. When they hatched, we discovered they were all coloured in such a way that they appeared to be wearing tiny Luton Town replica strips. Which, if nothing else, proves there is no such a thing as Intelligent Design.
After that we frankly got bored with science and realised that actually we can't write in the passive voice without going mad. So we broke out the stones and tea lights.
An order for Theological Reflection
The sound of footsteps is heard, growing louder, echoing down the Corridor of Uncertainty. The Procession for Theological Reflection enters the Moot House from the Corridor, and advances to the Worship Focus (a large mirror*)
The procession consists of:
The First and Second Reflectors are clad in their shiniest hi-viz, and also hi-viz trousers, for maximum reflection.
The Bearer of the Staff bangs the Staff three times on the floor.
First and Second Reflectors: Jurgen Moltmann!
[Or, as it may be, Elizabeth Schussler Fiorenza; Karl Barth; or Søren Aabye Kierkegaard)
The Procession turns round, and exits via the Corridor of Uncertainty. The sound of echoing footsteps is heard dying away.
* We use a Large Mirror as the worship focus as a reminder that, used without care, discipline and challenge, Theological Reflection will reveal one thing only - oneself.
The procession consists of:
Tea Lightifer
Bearer of the Staff
First Reflector Second Reflector
The First and Second Reflectors are clad in their shiniest hi-viz, and also hi-viz trousers, for maximum reflection.
The Bearer of the Staff bangs the Staff three times on the floor.
First and Second Reflectors: Jurgen Moltmann!
[Or, as it may be, Elizabeth Schussler Fiorenza; Karl Barth; or Søren Aabye Kierkegaard)
The Procession turns round, and exits via the Corridor of Uncertainty. The sound of echoing footsteps is heard dying away.
* We use a Large Mirror as the worship focus as a reminder that, used without care, discipline and challenge, Theological Reflection will reveal one thing only - oneself.
Thursday, 11 February 2010
The Corridor of Uncertainty
In yet another triumph of rapid construction, we're pleased to announce the Corridor of Uncertainty.
Forty yards long, it links the Great House in a due north-south line with the Moot House. We can vary the lights so that, at any given moment, the Oblate, Novice or whoever is heading into worship can be bathed in white light, strobed, or left in utter darkness. We've also wired up a PA system independently of the rest of the community sound loop, so that it segues uncertainly between Death Metal, Vaughan Williams, Messiaen and The Birdie Song.
The uncertainty this generates sets the victim, or "traveller", as we call them, on psychic edge. The Left Brain screams for meaning, but can find none. Particularly when the conveyor belt speeds up. Imagine being whizzed at twelve miles an hour in complete darkness while listening to "Firestarter", only to screech to a halt, drenched in ultra-violet light while three minutes of "It's a Small World" cuts in. The Left Brain looks at the Right Brain and recoils in horror - seeing it as Other - angel, unclean spirit, pixie or smurf according to your upbringing and former beliefs. The mind collapses to a psychic jelly - not a great journey, for some of our members.
And suddenly they go through the Portal of the Imagination and they are in the Moot House. Enya sooths the troubled soul, the place is bathed with a hundred tea lights, and they are beckoned to their own seat, in a safe place, and offered a bagel. The Left Brain relaxes, takes command of the situation - looks at the Right Brain and knows it has been the Known all along - a friend, fellow-traveller, companion and Twitter follower. All is right with the world.
We only opened the Corridor of Uncertainty this morning, and already offerings are sharply up. We reckon if we put in for a patent, we could achieve world peace within the decade.
Forty yards long, it links the Great House in a due north-south line with the Moot House. We can vary the lights so that, at any given moment, the Oblate, Novice or whoever is heading into worship can be bathed in white light, strobed, or left in utter darkness. We've also wired up a PA system independently of the rest of the community sound loop, so that it segues uncertainly between Death Metal, Vaughan Williams, Messiaen and The Birdie Song.
The uncertainty this generates sets the victim, or "traveller", as we call them, on psychic edge. The Left Brain screams for meaning, but can find none. Particularly when the conveyor belt speeds up. Imagine being whizzed at twelve miles an hour in complete darkness while listening to "Firestarter", only to screech to a halt, drenched in ultra-violet light while three minutes of "It's a Small World" cuts in. The Left Brain looks at the Right Brain and recoils in horror - seeing it as Other - angel, unclean spirit, pixie or smurf according to your upbringing and former beliefs. The mind collapses to a psychic jelly - not a great journey, for some of our members.
And suddenly they go through the Portal of the Imagination and they are in the Moot House. Enya sooths the troubled soul, the place is bathed with a hundred tea lights, and they are beckoned to their own seat, in a safe place, and offered a bagel. The Left Brain relaxes, takes command of the situation - looks at the Right Brain and knows it has been the Known all along - a friend, fellow-traveller, companion and Twitter follower. All is right with the world.
We only opened the Corridor of Uncertainty this morning, and already offerings are sharply up. We reckon if we put in for a patent, we could achieve world peace within the decade.
On Voting Systems
Most enlightening yesterday afternoon, watching the electronic voting system at the Church of England General Synod break down. They had to resort to walking through the "Aye" and "No" doors to register their votes on whether to vote on the amendment to the amended amendment, as I explained to Burton until he so unexpectedly fell asleep. I blame it on the three hours he spent in the Marquis of Granby while I was at the Synod. He came out babbling something about having to watch the pigeons flying.
Personally, I'm always in several minds as to the best voting system. I generally go for the "One Archdruid, One Vote" system - where, being the Archdruid, I get the one vote. But sometimes people get shirty and demand more of a democratic say at Moots.
So we've experimented with the "Aye" and "No" doors concept. And the good news about the Moot House is that it has four doors - "Aye", "No", "I'm not sure" and "I don't think it's so much an either/or as a both/and". The problem with the fourth door is the enormous cost of the lettering. But on the bright side, it's the door that everybody goes through so as not to cause offence. And then I get the casting vote. And if there's ever anything really contentious, I find that the good old Slazenger helps people to determine the "right" door.
Now one system I really enjoy is the "Beaker" voting system. Everyone fills a beaker of water, and then pours the contents either into the "Yes" or "No" tank of water. In an idea we got from 1970s editions of "It's a Knockout" we then get Burton to measure the result using a dip-stick. He then declares the result in his celebrated "Eddie Waring" voice. In another idea we got from the same programme, people on the other side of the argument are allowed to throw beach-balls at the voters, as they balance along the see-saws and tight-rope walk over the big pools of water on the way to the voting tanks.
Then we have the "trained cat" system. In this, every Beaker person brings his or her trained cat, and instructs them which way to vote. The cats go and sit on either the "Miaow" or the "Purrrrr" mat to indicate objection or agreement. Of course, this system is liable to fraud; on occasion we have detected traces of catnip on the "Miaow" mat.
But with an electronic system all this is rendered irrelevant. As long as Keith's got the programming right, I can ensure that every vote goes my way. The best kind of democracy is always the one that comes up with the right answers.
Personally, I'm always in several minds as to the best voting system. I generally go for the "One Archdruid, One Vote" system - where, being the Archdruid, I get the one vote. But sometimes people get shirty and demand more of a democratic say at Moots.
So we've experimented with the "Aye" and "No" doors concept. And the good news about the Moot House is that it has four doors - "Aye", "No", "I'm not sure" and "I don't think it's so much an either/or as a both/and". The problem with the fourth door is the enormous cost of the lettering. But on the bright side, it's the door that everybody goes through so as not to cause offence. And then I get the casting vote. And if there's ever anything really contentious, I find that the good old Slazenger helps people to determine the "right" door.
Now one system I really enjoy is the "Beaker" voting system. Everyone fills a beaker of water, and then pours the contents either into the "Yes" or "No" tank of water. In an idea we got from 1970s editions of "It's a Knockout" we then get Burton to measure the result using a dip-stick. He then declares the result in his celebrated "Eddie Waring" voice. In another idea we got from the same programme, people on the other side of the argument are allowed to throw beach-balls at the voters, as they balance along the see-saws and tight-rope walk over the big pools of water on the way to the voting tanks.
Then we have the "trained cat" system. In this, every Beaker person brings his or her trained cat, and instructs them which way to vote. The cats go and sit on either the "Miaow" or the "Purrrrr" mat to indicate objection or agreement. Of course, this system is liable to fraud; on occasion we have detected traces of catnip on the "Miaow" mat.
But with an electronic system all this is rendered irrelevant. As long as Keith's got the programming right, I can ensure that every vote goes my way. The best kind of democracy is always the one that comes up with the right answers.
Burton goes to London
Dear Readers, such excitement as I feel, even now, as I write to you. I was really too tired last night after our big day in the Capital. But now - it all seems a wonderful blur.
The Archdruid being of the Liverpool-supporting faction, while I am of the Gooner persuasion, she very kindly organised what she referred to as "Corporate Hostility" for their annual meeting at the Arsenal home ground. I was sure she meant "Corporate Hospitality", but she assured me that she was right.
We went down early, and paid our respects to the Kirsty MacColl memorial bench in Soho Square.
At this point, the Archdruid said she was going to "pop in" to the General Synod, which by a remarkable co-incidence was also happening in London yesterday. What a truly wonderful place it must be, to have two events of such excitement on the same day!
So the Archdruid left me on Kirsty's bench, requesting that I keep notes of whether the pigeons, "shivering in the naked trees", decided to fly.
I'll be honest. Soho Square is a beautiful oasis in the Metropolis. But three hours was a long time to sit on a bench watching pigeons.
When the Archdruid returned, and we set off on the magical Picadilly Line (they have trains that run underground in London - can you imagine?), she was kind enough to explain to me the events at the Synod. But unaccountably, as she was telling me about how people had to walk through doors to vote on whether to vote on an amendment to the amendment of an amendment, I blacked out. Must have been a chill on the brain as a result of all that pigeon-watching.
Of the first half of the game I will say little, for indeed there is little to say. But in the second -oh, the Arsenal came alive! A wonderful cross for the winning goal! But I have to say that the reminder of the game proved that it was indeed "Hostility" that was Corporate. I wouldn't say someone as spiritual as the Archdruid sulked, but she did accidentally bruise my shins with her steel toe-caps once or twice, while jumping around trying to keep warm.
The evening ended in terror, as I cycled down the snow-covered back roads of Bedford on my way back to Husborne Crawley. The Archdruid said she didn't want to risk steering or braking problems with me in the car, so she drove to and from the station alone. Which I suppose was considerate of her - not wanting any harm to come to me - but she doesn't actually drive a Toyota. Still, better safe than sorry.
The Archdruid being of the Liverpool-supporting faction, while I am of the Gooner persuasion, she very kindly organised what she referred to as "Corporate Hostility" for their annual meeting at the Arsenal home ground. I was sure she meant "Corporate Hospitality", but she assured me that she was right.
We went down early, and paid our respects to the Kirsty MacColl memorial bench in Soho Square.
At this point, the Archdruid said she was going to "pop in" to the General Synod, which by a remarkable co-incidence was also happening in London yesterday. What a truly wonderful place it must be, to have two events of such excitement on the same day!
So the Archdruid left me on Kirsty's bench, requesting that I keep notes of whether the pigeons, "shivering in the naked trees", decided to fly.
I'll be honest. Soho Square is a beautiful oasis in the Metropolis. But three hours was a long time to sit on a bench watching pigeons.
When the Archdruid returned, and we set off on the magical Picadilly Line (they have trains that run underground in London - can you imagine?), she was kind enough to explain to me the events at the Synod. But unaccountably, as she was telling me about how people had to walk through doors to vote on whether to vote on an amendment to the amendment of an amendment, I blacked out. Must have been a chill on the brain as a result of all that pigeon-watching.
Of the first half of the game I will say little, for indeed there is little to say. But in the second -oh, the Arsenal came alive! A wonderful cross for the winning goal! But I have to say that the reminder of the game proved that it was indeed "Hostility" that was Corporate. I wouldn't say someone as spiritual as the Archdruid sulked, but she did accidentally bruise my shins with her steel toe-caps once or twice, while jumping around trying to keep warm.
The evening ended in terror, as I cycled down the snow-covered back roads of Bedford on my way back to Husborne Crawley. The Archdruid said she didn't want to risk steering or braking problems with me in the car, so she drove to and from the station alone. Which I suppose was considerate of her - not wanting any harm to come to me - but she doesn't actually drive a Toyota. Still, better safe than sorry.
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
The Armadillo Song
(To the tune of... well yes, obviously)
When the day is dawning
On a dull and rainy morning
On the Ark with Noah
And the pythons and a forty-foot boa
And a pair of llamas
And a hungry goat
has eaten my pyjamas
Now I'm sleeping in my coat.
I've got to feed the armadillo
Clean the hippos' cage with Brillo
Now I'm feeling rather ill. Oh,
it's the smell that gets to me.
Now I've fed the armadillo
I've got to give the budgie some Trill. Oh,
I really hate that armadillo.
I wish I'd never gone to sea.
When the day is dawning
On a dull and rainy morning
On the Ark with Noah
And the pythons and a forty-foot boa
And a pair of llamas
And a hungry goat
has eaten my pyjamas
Now I'm sleeping in my coat.
I've got to feed the armadillo
Clean the hippos' cage with Brillo
Now I'm feeling rather ill. Oh,
it's the smell that gets to me.
Now I've fed the armadillo
I've got to give the budgie some Trill. Oh,
I really hate that armadillo.
I wish I'd never gone to sea.
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
A guide to Worship Leading (II) - What to say
Useful things to say when leading worship
An important part of worship is knowing, in that almost prophetic way, what is the right thing to say at the right time. But you know what it's like in the busy life of a worship leader. Sometimes you just don't have the anointing. So I recommend a number of spiritual-sounding phrases you can use at any point when things need moving along. You can write them on 3x5 index cards or, if you're the sort of fellowship that uses an autocue for the worship leader, get the teleprompt operator to stick them on there for when you look at a bit of a loose end...
"You know, I get the feeling that every single person in this congregation is feeling the love of God to the fullest right now. Hallelujah!"
"Turn to the person to your right and say hello. No - not all of you.... that's not going to work, is it? OK, every other person, counting from the right, turn... no - not your right, my right..."
"It's been so nice to welcome the Shildon former Railwaymen and Miner's Outreach Group this evening. And we're coming to our last song, "I want to be out of my depth in your love". And I think it would be nice if we all joined hands and sang this to each other."
"Now I don't want to offend anyone at this point, but it feels right to me that we all put our hands in the air..."
"Keith! Kill that fox that's attacking Mrs Jones! Quick! Oh, no... it's OK, it's her hat."
"I get the feeling that someone, somewhere in this 500-person celebration is feeling like they have some kind of buried sin. Something only they and God know about. And I don't know who it is, but if whoever it is harbouring this vile and lurid sin would like to come down discreetly to Keith, they can receive prayer. Keith is the one just below the stage, in the pink T-shirt and comedy hat, under the sign that says "Discreet repentance for vile perverted sinners." No-one? God's not going to be happy...."
"And now the women only to sing this verse.... and the men only to sing this one.... and now the left-handed albinos. Sing UP, Derek! We can't hear you!"
"Bronwen encouraged her son to claim he was only 13 to get a cheap bus fair. So in accordance with Matt 18:6... Burton! Where's that millstone?"
"Happiness is next to godliness! Sadness is a sin! Sadness is a sin! God wants us all to show our joy by dancing as David danced! Let's see you all dance. No, not jiggle - DANCE!"
"So we've had a fantastic exposition on the Sermon on the Mount from our 24-year-old, pretty, Cambridge and Yale-educated young pastor, Lady Louella Fforbes-Smyth. And if you feel you're letting God down in any way, or you feel unfulfilled or unloved, I'd like you all to come down the front... Stop! Stop! Not all of you!!"
"God's love is so real! Now I want you all to go and find someone you don't know too well and give them a hug. Burton! Put Stacey down! Now!"
"We now move into the offertory hymn. I don't want to pressurise you here, but things are a bit short at the Manse. Basically, if we don't get the tithes we're eating the hamsters."
An important part of worship is knowing, in that almost prophetic way, what is the right thing to say at the right time. But you know what it's like in the busy life of a worship leader. Sometimes you just don't have the anointing. So I recommend a number of spiritual-sounding phrases you can use at any point when things need moving along. You can write them on 3x5 index cards or, if you're the sort of fellowship that uses an autocue for the worship leader, get the teleprompt operator to stick them on there for when you look at a bit of a loose end...
"You know, I get the feeling that every single person in this congregation is feeling the love of God to the fullest right now. Hallelujah!"
"Turn to the person to your right and say hello. No - not all of you.... that's not going to work, is it? OK, every other person, counting from the right, turn... no - not your right, my right..."
"It's been so nice to welcome the Shildon former Railwaymen and Miner's Outreach Group this evening. And we're coming to our last song, "I want to be out of my depth in your love". And I think it would be nice if we all joined hands and sang this to each other."
"Now I don't want to offend anyone at this point, but it feels right to me that we all put our hands in the air..."
"Keith! Kill that fox that's attacking Mrs Jones! Quick! Oh, no... it's OK, it's her hat."
"And now the women only to sing this verse.... and the men only to sing this one.... and now the left-handed albinos. Sing UP, Derek! We can't hear you!"
"Bronwen encouraged her son to claim he was only 13 to get a cheap bus fair. So in accordance with Matt 18:6... Burton! Where's that millstone?"
"Happiness is next to godliness! Sadness is a sin! Sadness is a sin! God wants us all to show our joy by dancing as David danced! Let's see you all dance. No, not jiggle - DANCE!"
"So we've had a fantastic exposition on the Sermon on the Mount from our 24-year-old, pretty, Cambridge and Yale-educated young pastor, Lady Louella Fforbes-Smyth. And if you feel you're letting God down in any way, or you feel unfulfilled or unloved, I'd like you all to come down the front... Stop! Stop! Not all of you!!"
"God's love is so real! Now I want you all to go and find someone you don't know too well and give them a hug. Burton! Put Stacey down! Now!"
"We now move into the offertory hymn. I don't want to pressurise you here, but things are a bit short at the Manse. Basically, if we don't get the tithes we're eating the hamsters."
"You know, it's at times like this that the words of Ezra 4:2 come to me. Now, I know you all know that reading, and it's probably dear to all your hearts, so let's just shout it out together."
Green Electricity
I'm pleased to announce the Beaker Green Electricity scheme. As of today the People of the community will be able to benefit from electricity provided solely from our new reclamation/incineration scheme - using 100% waste materials - and the generator we've built down in the Big Meadow.
OK, we've a few teething troubles. But electricity and hot water will be available in the Great House between the hours of 4 and 6 in the morning. And my office, like the Beaker Bazaar and the Moot House, are supplied from their independent source so you can be assured that we can keep selling pebbles and doilies. And especially tea lights. And I will continue to be able to issue my bulletins at all hours - although you may not be able to read them. And if the sun's out, the solar panels we fitted for the Christmas Lights will be kicking in. So round about May you should all have all the electric light and heating you need, during the hours of daylight.
Meanwhile we've just got to solve the problems with that giant plume of smoke that's spreading across the motorway. Say what you like about burning old tyres as a source of energy, they're smelly.
OK, we've a few teething troubles. But electricity and hot water will be available in the Great House between the hours of 4 and 6 in the morning. And my office, like the Beaker Bazaar and the Moot House, are supplied from their independent source so you can be assured that we can keep selling pebbles and doilies. And especially tea lights. And I will continue to be able to issue my bulletins at all hours - although you may not be able to read them. And if the sun's out, the solar panels we fitted for the Christmas Lights will be kicking in. So round about May you should all have all the electric light and heating you need, during the hours of daylight.
Meanwhile we've just got to solve the problems with that giant plume of smoke that's spreading across the motorway. Say what you like about burning old tyres as a source of energy, they're smelly.
Quantum Phone Danger
Intrigued by this from the BBC about using Quantum effects to make phones scroll more intelligently.
Here at Husborne Crawley we're always in favour of finding productive uses for science. But you've got to worry, in line with the principle of improbability, that if you press the wrong button, your underwear could be teleported three feet to the right. I feel the phones' manufacturers should publish a disclaimer to say that if this happens you've no-one to blame but Paul Dirac. And stay away from really hot cups of tea while using them.
I mean, imagine the newspaper headlines. We get enough health scares as it is, without the papers coming out with "Quantum Phone half-killed my cat".
Here at Husborne Crawley we're always in favour of finding productive uses for science. But you've got to worry, in line with the principle of improbability, that if you press the wrong button, your underwear could be teleported three feet to the right. I feel the phones' manufacturers should publish a disclaimer to say that if this happens you've no-one to blame but Paul Dirac. And stay away from really hot cups of tea while using them.
I mean, imagine the newspaper headlines. We get enough health scares as it is, without the papers coming out with "Quantum Phone half-killed my cat".
Monday, 8 February 2010
A guide to Worship Leading (I)
Following on from our Worship Group Identification, I’ve been inundated with quite literally a question about the art – if I may call it that – of Worship Leading.
In fact, maybe art is the wrong word. Sometimes, as we study the interface between psychology, physiology, musicology and theology at which Worship Leading takes place, I think it could even be a science. So distilled from the experience of being, meeting with and frequently sacking worship leaders – here is my advice. Some of it’s practical, some theoretical. But I hope it’s all useful and thought-provoking. I feel this may be the first in a series, so today I’m just going to be focussing on two areas. Secondly we’ll look at worship leading from a musical perspective. But being aware that some worship leaders don’t play musical instruments, I’m going to start with Newbie Management.
Managing Visitors
You know how it is – somebody turns up whom you’ve never seen before. Now, you’ve been busy at the front sorting out the last-minute nervous breakdowns, fist-fights and panic attacks which will occur in the Worship Team before any act of worship. So you don’t know whether the newcomer is a visitor, or a potential first-time visiting member. And you also don’t know whether the newcomer has been welcomed by a regular member of your fellowship or not. What do you do?
1. Bring them up the front. Very important. Whoever they are, bring them up the front. Ask them to introduce themselves to their fellow worshippers. Feel free to ask them where they’ve come from and whether they’re likely to stay long. Ask them what great thing has happened to them this week, and if it doesn't sound too great then push them for another. Ask how they feel God is blessing them on a scale of 9 to 10. If they have left another fellowship, ask whether they were previously keen tithe-givers. Men in particular love to be paid attention to in this way.
2. Allocate them a buddy. Once they’ve retreated to their place (oddly, people tend to move much faster back than they come to the front) – ask someone to “look after them” for the occasion. I normally try to get Burton Dasset to do this, as conveniently he can then follow them around for the rest of the morning forcing Gift Aid forms into their hands.
3. The Freelance Prophet Now, particularly for seaside congregations and for communities that have a fair turnover of pilgrims, like our own, we have an issue with what I call “Freelance Prophets”. Particularly at the more spontaneous fellowships, where people may be invited to bring forward “a word**”. The Freelance Prophet will rush to the front, convinced that they have been chosen this very week to impart something special. And unaware that last week, another Brummie Pentecostal came forward and said exactly the same words of encouragement. Which I guess may be telling us something…
Now that the Moot House has been completed, we like to invite Freelance Prophets down the front to the special “Freelance Prophecy” spot just in front of the Worship Focus. Then we pull the trap-door lever. We always fish them out of the brook at the end of the Ceremony – although by that time they can sometimes be down in the duck pond.
Music
Again, I can only scratch the surface here. I’d just like to give you some ideas on keys and segues on this occasion.
Key Changes – between songs
Very important, this. When modulating between songs in two different keys, there are different approaches. One is to work through the change in practice with the Worship Group. You can find a great deal of advice on the chord sequences that will lead you from, say, G#m to F (as frequently happens in my experience). This will enable you to move smoothly through a number of intervening seventh and other bridging chords, and leave your congregation – or, as I prefer to think of them – “punters” perfectly prepared for the next song.
Alternatively, assuming you’re a guitarist or keyboard player, just bash out a few random chords and then kick straight on. Spontaneity is, as we all know, the most important aspect of worship. And with luck your fellow “band” members will catch up at some point in the next song*.
Key Changes – within songs
Crucial to any invocatory experience is what we might call the study of “worship dynamics”. Given a situation in which, for example, the worship is really taking off, or the punters seem a little stodgy and worship-leading is rather like stirring treacle – or, actually, any other case between these two – the best thing you can do is modulate in the key a full tone above what you are currently playing. Professors of Worshipology call this “knocking it up one”. Or they do round here. I realise it may have other connotations in other places.
It’s really important that you have some awareness of where your fellow band-members are, especially if you have a horn section. If, just after a chord shift, you hear the whispered words “double sharps”, or you become aware that the sax and trumpet players have formed a lynch mob, you will know that you have gone into a very wrong key. Best bet is to wrap it up quick and hand over to the preacher.
By the way – the concept of “knocking it up one” is subject to the Law of Diminishing Returns. If you do it once, you can add excitement and drama to the song – a sense of rising spiritual temperature. If you do it twice you may hit a key that the horn section can’t cope with. If you do eight times, three things will happen. Firstly you’ll end up in the same key you started from, just an octave higher. Secondly you’ll have sung that song at least eight times through. And thirdly you may find some members of the fellowship have turned blue and are laying around the place. This is not to be confused with any spiritual experience, and we suggest getting some medical help in before the victims get any closer to God than they really want at the this time.
Broken Cadences
Finally for the musical section on this occasion is the concept of a “broken cadence”. I’ve no idea if this is the right term, but it feels like it should be. As you are moving into the final cadence of a song – maybe everyone’s feeling like they’ve really “broken through” and are at one with the Divine – don’t play through to the last chord of the song and then finish as everyone expects. Just leave it hanging there. If you’re in C, and the last chord before you end is a G – just stop in G and leave it. If you really want to make the point, go for a short walk at this point. If you get it right, some congregation members may fall over due to applying the musical and spiritual brakes so sharply, and then you can claim they’ve been slain in the Spirit.
* Annoyed band members very rarely physically assault the worship leader actually during an act of worship. And so far it has never resulted in anything worse that a few scratches, in my experience.
** “A” word implies the singular. If only.
Oddly enough, Banksyboy has been thinking about Worship songs today as well. Go and have a look! (NB merely suggesting you go over there does not mean I agree with him. Though I do.)
In fact, maybe art is the wrong word. Sometimes, as we study the interface between psychology, physiology, musicology and theology at which Worship Leading takes place, I think it could even be a science. So distilled from the experience of being, meeting with and frequently sacking worship leaders – here is my advice. Some of it’s practical, some theoretical. But I hope it’s all useful and thought-provoking. I feel this may be the first in a series, so today I’m just going to be focussing on two areas. Secondly we’ll look at worship leading from a musical perspective. But being aware that some worship leaders don’t play musical instruments, I’m going to start with Newbie Management.
Managing Visitors
You know how it is – somebody turns up whom you’ve never seen before. Now, you’ve been busy at the front sorting out the last-minute nervous breakdowns, fist-fights and panic attacks which will occur in the Worship Team before any act of worship. So you don’t know whether the newcomer is a visitor, or a potential first-time visiting member. And you also don’t know whether the newcomer has been welcomed by a regular member of your fellowship or not. What do you do?
1. Bring them up the front. Very important. Whoever they are, bring them up the front. Ask them to introduce themselves to their fellow worshippers. Feel free to ask them where they’ve come from and whether they’re likely to stay long. Ask them what great thing has happened to them this week, and if it doesn't sound too great then push them for another. Ask how they feel God is blessing them on a scale of 9 to 10. If they have left another fellowship, ask whether they were previously keen tithe-givers. Men in particular love to be paid attention to in this way.
2. Allocate them a buddy. Once they’ve retreated to their place (oddly, people tend to move much faster back than they come to the front) – ask someone to “look after them” for the occasion. I normally try to get Burton Dasset to do this, as conveniently he can then follow them around for the rest of the morning forcing Gift Aid forms into their hands.
3. The Freelance Prophet Now, particularly for seaside congregations and for communities that have a fair turnover of pilgrims, like our own, we have an issue with what I call “Freelance Prophets”. Particularly at the more spontaneous fellowships, where people may be invited to bring forward “a word**”. The Freelance Prophet will rush to the front, convinced that they have been chosen this very week to impart something special. And unaware that last week, another Brummie Pentecostal came forward and said exactly the same words of encouragement. Which I guess may be telling us something…
Now that the Moot House has been completed, we like to invite Freelance Prophets down the front to the special “Freelance Prophecy” spot just in front of the Worship Focus. Then we pull the trap-door lever. We always fish them out of the brook at the end of the Ceremony – although by that time they can sometimes be down in the duck pond.
Music
Again, I can only scratch the surface here. I’d just like to give you some ideas on keys and segues on this occasion.
Key Changes – between songs
Very important, this. When modulating between songs in two different keys, there are different approaches. One is to work through the change in practice with the Worship Group. You can find a great deal of advice on the chord sequences that will lead you from, say, G#m to F (as frequently happens in my experience). This will enable you to move smoothly through a number of intervening seventh and other bridging chords, and leave your congregation – or, as I prefer to think of them – “punters” perfectly prepared for the next song.
Alternatively, assuming you’re a guitarist or keyboard player, just bash out a few random chords and then kick straight on. Spontaneity is, as we all know, the most important aspect of worship. And with luck your fellow “band” members will catch up at some point in the next song*.
Key Changes – within songs
Crucial to any invocatory experience is what we might call the study of “worship dynamics”. Given a situation in which, for example, the worship is really taking off, or the punters seem a little stodgy and worship-leading is rather like stirring treacle – or, actually, any other case between these two – the best thing you can do is modulate in the key a full tone above what you are currently playing. Professors of Worshipology call this “knocking it up one”. Or they do round here. I realise it may have other connotations in other places.
It’s really important that you have some awareness of where your fellow band-members are, especially if you have a horn section. If, just after a chord shift, you hear the whispered words “double sharps”, or you become aware that the sax and trumpet players have formed a lynch mob, you will know that you have gone into a very wrong key. Best bet is to wrap it up quick and hand over to the preacher.
By the way – the concept of “knocking it up one” is subject to the Law of Diminishing Returns. If you do it once, you can add excitement and drama to the song – a sense of rising spiritual temperature. If you do it twice you may hit a key that the horn section can’t cope with. If you do eight times, three things will happen. Firstly you’ll end up in the same key you started from, just an octave higher. Secondly you’ll have sung that song at least eight times through. And thirdly you may find some members of the fellowship have turned blue and are laying around the place. This is not to be confused with any spiritual experience, and we suggest getting some medical help in before the victims get any closer to God than they really want at the this time.
Broken Cadences
Finally for the musical section on this occasion is the concept of a “broken cadence”. I’ve no idea if this is the right term, but it feels like it should be. As you are moving into the final cadence of a song – maybe everyone’s feeling like they’ve really “broken through” and are at one with the Divine – don’t play through to the last chord of the song and then finish as everyone expects. Just leave it hanging there. If you’re in C, and the last chord before you end is a G – just stop in G and leave it. If you really want to make the point, go for a short walk at this point. If you get it right, some congregation members may fall over due to applying the musical and spiritual brakes so sharply, and then you can claim they’ve been slain in the Spirit.
* Annoyed band members very rarely physically assault the worship leader actually during an act of worship. And so far it has never resulted in anything worse that a few scratches, in my experience.
** “A” word implies the singular. If only.
Oddly enough, Banksyboy has been thinking about Worship songs today as well. Go and have a look! (NB merely suggesting you go over there does not mean I agree with him. Though I do.)
Subscribe to:
Posts
(
Atom
)