Stones and Tea Lights Service

Can all Beaker People please bring a pebble and a tea light to this evening's "Old School Beaker Service".  I have decided it's time we rolled back the neo-modern stuff we have  been dabbling with, and got back to basics.

In line with the new-look, no-challenge, easy-worshipping groove, we're also going to have no theology, no moral challenges and no mentions of God. Tonight we're gonna worship like it's 1969.

An Ecumenical Service with the Westboro Baptist Church

Charlii: Peace be with you.

Westboro Baptists: And you'll burn in hell, girl.

Charlii: Let us lift up our hearts.

Westboro Baptists: When all you and your gay friends are burning in hell.

Charlii: And the first reading is from John 12.

Westboro Baptists: We said, all your gay friends will be burning in hell, girl.

Charlii: Thank you for that reading, Marston. And now we will listen to "The Lamb", by John Tavener.

Westboro Baptists: John Tavener? That Orthodox? He'll be burning in hell, now. God hates Orthodox.

Charlii: A lovely, spiritual piece of music. And now, Hnaef will lead us in the Lord's Prayer in Anglo-Saxon.

Westboro Baptists: Are you listening to us?

Charlii: Let us join together in the words of the Beaker Faith Declaration, short as it is..... 

Westboro Baptists: Listen, liberal-girl!  You listening to us?  We've got all these posters, and we're saying all this outrageous stuff, and we're insulting you and your gay friends, and we're burning these pictures of dead soldiers, and you're not paying any attention to us.  YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTICE US!  YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HATE US!!!!!

Charlii: Hate you? We love you. Odd, and counter-intuitive as it may be, that's what we're told to do.

Westboro Baptists: Ooh, woah. That's weird. You're not gonna get your gay friends to kiss us, are you?

Charlii: Only if it's consensual. Light a tea light?

Westboro Baptists: OK, thanks. I think we will. Actually, that man's quite nice...

Charlii: That's my husband. I wouldn't try it if you want to keep your head on that red neck of yours.

All: And also with you.

My Funeral Selfie Shame

All this talk of people taking "selfies" at funerals, takes me back to my Aunt Doreen's funeral, back in the summer.

I feel I can share a little piece of advice on "selfie" taking, Dear Readers.  If you are taking a photo of yourself at a funeral, it is very bad form to make sure you get the grave in the background.

And even worse form to walk backwards to get a better angle.

In the Unlikely Event of Meeting a Bishop

Could all Beaker Folk note that, in future, whenever discussing or meeting a Church of England bishop, you should refer to them as "Shirley". If it is the bishop of Beverley, then the appropriate form of address is "Beverly". We will maintain this pretence until it is no longer needed.

Church Sit Vac

Withering-with-Smutter and Bloglandlisland-cum-Charlock with Hemlock St Michael, Little Sprittering, Giblet, St Maurice-in-the-Marsh, Deeper-in-the-Fen, Sinking-under-Ouse, Peatbog and Chugwell (the Subsidence Parish)

As a group of 12 fenland parishes in the Diocese of Norwich, we are looking for a particularly talented priest.

The anticipated superhero will be able to build up dynamic, outward-looking worshipping communities in each of our parishes. There's no need to be too dynamic in Charlock, obviously, as the village only has two families, and they're not talking to each other since the Civil War. You're not going to win that one.

Chugwell has a special ministry to agricultural workers - or, will have, once the successful applicant has set it up.  Due to the nature of the transient working population, you will be fluent in Polish, Lithuanian, Greek and Portugese. Or, at least, willing to learn.

One of your major responsibilities will be to take the lead in the church restoration projects. Since all our churches are pretty much built on peat bog, emergency restoration is currently required in the case of all the churches. Especially Little Sprittering, where the spire is currently disappearing below Fen level. You will need to hold a licence for JCB operation, just to get in the porch for Sunday services.

Since the people of Hemlock St Michael were particularly fond of their vicar back in the 70s, and objected to being joined into the benefice, you will need particular tact to deal with them. And the resilience to deal with the dog droppings, letter bombs, occasional digging-up of your drive and vandalism to your car, garage and any nearby livestock. An ability to remove paint from brick walls will be particularly useful.

We have 2 church schools, and the vicar is expected to lead assemblies every day. And be on the governors' boards. And the same, or similar, for the residential homes.

Each church in the benefice expects Holy Communion every Sunday. Therefore our new priest must be a competent rally driver, capable driving at 80 miles per hour along uneven drain-side fenland roads, after drinking a mouthful of wine on the hour, every hour, from 8am to 7pm. In case of disaster, it will be best for him or her to have 50m Swimming Certificate, and the charisma required to stop the police administering a breath test.

Sadly, due to our relentless failure to meet the Parish Share, this is a House for Duty post.

Inspired by this from Angela Tilby in the Church Times

Druidic Pay Rise 27%

Thankfully the complaints about the pay rise given to MPs have helped me to bury the announcement by the Druidic Remuneration Council, that the members of the Druidic Synod are to receive their own pay rise, of 27%.

I should stress that the Druidic Remuneration Council is totally independent, and makes its recommendations based on the underlying rate of mistletoe inflation and the cost of gold sickles, as well as considering what executives in other, related industries (Church of England, Roman Catholic, Knitwear) are receiving. We do not put any pressure on the Remuneration Council.

In other news, it's that time of year when I announce the annual pay rise for the Druidic Remuneration Council. And, by a remarkable co-incidence, that is also 27%.

As I reminded the Beaker Folk at this morning's "Mortification and Desolation" theme service, we're all very much in this together.

A Liturgical Mime to Explain the Colours of Advent Candles

The Moot House Worship Focus table is covered with a fair, purple cloth

The Ring-bearer places on the fair, purple cloth an empty Advent Ring.

Candle-bearer the First advances with a purple candle and places it in its holder.

The Explicator points to the purple cloth and the purple candle, to indicate that they are associated by colour.

Candle-bearer the Second advances with a purple candle and places it in its holder.

The Explicator points to the purple cloth, and the purple candle, to indicate that they are associated by colour.

Candle-bearer the Third advances with a pink candle and places it in its holder.

The False Explicator advances with a picture of Our Lady, and points to the pink candle, Our Lady, then to some sugar, spice and all things nice;  a " Little Princess" dressing-up set, and "My Little Pony".

The Corrector takes the picture of Our Lady and places it reverently to one side,  then removes all the junk that the False Explicator brought in with the picture.

The Melanogrammusifer slaps the False Explicator around the face with a wet fish.

The Explicator points to a pink rose, the first delicate pink of the rising sun, somebody in the pink of health, a bottle of sparkling pink wine and a pink Cadillac, to indicate the associations of the colour pink.

Candle-bearer the Fourth advances with a purple candle and places it in its holder.

The Explicator points to the purple cloth, and the purple candle, to indicate that they are associated by colour.

Candle-bearer the Fifth advances with a white candle and places it in its central holder.

The Explicator points to the colour of snow, of a sheet of paper not yet blotted with scruffy blue or red ink, to a pure white dove and the white candle, to indicate that they are associated by colour.

The Political Corrector spends the next thirty minutes making it quite clear that white, in this context, is not to be associated with race - that so-called "white" people are actually a grubby pinky-grey, and that Our Lord himself, when he came to this earth, chose to be rather brown-skinned (whatever the picture of his mother might suggest about her ancestry).

If we're very lucky, somebody might light a candle.

Advent

Please can all Beaker Folk be aware that, at this time of giving, tithes will be going up by 7% above inflation.

This is to cover the installation of the solar-powered windmill on the Moot House roof, and uncertainty in the tea light supply chain. Also, leaves on the line, major investment in leaking pipes, and the new subsidy on hi vis vests.

The Truth Comes Out about Tom Daly

Dear Readers,  I am shocked by the revelations. Tom Daley has confessed that he is gay.

I am disgusted; that is all I can say. That a man like Tom Daley could fall in love with another man. I reel with horror, as the prophet said.

I had adored Tom, little realising the dark secret he was keeping. Who could have guessed that this manly man, who took part in that most manly of sports, who was the resident manly diver on "Splash", that test of bravery and muscular fitness, was gay? I would have wept into my pillow last night, did it not have a "Tom Daley" pillow case on it.

Well; that pillow case will go into my "cupboard of broken memories", along with all of the Tom Daley DVDs, the back-issues of all my diving magazines, and my "Tom Daley" autographed trunks. The ones Archdruid Eileen told me she would hit me with her cricket bat if I tried sunbathing in them.

Yes, I shall put them in that sad cupboard, along with my Will Young CDs, videos of QI and Communards albums. Why am I constantly let down like this?

Road Signs of the Kingdom (3)

Church of England General Synod in Progress

Methodist Church Ahead

Inconsistent, unsustainable views of human sexuality

Pentecostal Praise Service

Someone just "got" what Jesus was saying.

Retired Priests during the Interregnum

The Presbyterians have won

The PCC has come to a complete impasse on the rearrangement of the tea light stand

Trouble with Apples

We're hoping Burton Dasset will come in from the cold some time.

It was a lovely Advent Carol service. We sang "O Come All Ye Faithful", "While Shepherds Watched" and "Just a Song at Twilight". But the one that did for Burton was "Adam Lay Ybounden".

His brain just went into a logic loop. He couldn't work the causality out. His confusion between cause and effect ended up with him staggering weakly out of the door - as opposed to his trips to the White Horse, when he staggers weekly out the door.

He's still out there, going "But if eating the apple was good, then how can it be bad? And if it wasn't bad then why did we need a Saviour? But if we didn't have a Saviour, then eating the apple wasn't good. But how can the apple be bad if it gave us a Saviour...."

I think I'll leave the latch off the Doily Shed door. He's going to need somewhere to sleep tonight, and we're not leaving the Big House open.

Adam lay ybounden,

   Bounden in a bond;

Four thousand winter

   Thought he not too long.

And all was for an apple,

   An apple that he took,

As clerkës finden written

   In their book.

Nor had one apple taken been,

   The apple taken been,

Then had never Our Lady

  A-been heaven's queen.

Blessed be the time

   That apple taken was.

Therefore we may singen

   Deo gratias!