Othering Sunday

I just gave up in the end. By the time the list of people who I was worried might find this day difficult reached 42 different categories, I gave up on its traditional form.

Not to mention the smug trolling of Bertrand on the Beaker Yammer, who repeatedly asked the question "All this fuss about Mothers' Day - when will we get a Fathers' Day?" despite being told it will be 17 June.

So we decided to ignore the whole thing, and go with "Othering Sunday". On this new interpretation of the 4th Sunday in Lent, we think especially of those who are different to us. And how they can't be trusted. I'm not saying it's a particularly Christian attitude. But do you know what, it's easier.

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

When Conspiracy Theories Collide

This is ridiculous.

I thought the big argument of the day would be between the Liverpool and Man Utd fans. There is in fact a conspiracy theory  abroad that they've made Mourinho manager of United so people get so bored they support Stockport County instead. Though that does seem quite plausible.

But no. The people who believe that Lord Lucan stole Shergar have just got into a massive fight with the ones who think he was secretly Pope John Paul I.

I mean, what a ridiculous idea.

Shergar couldn't be Pope. He was a gelding. Wouldn't be allowed.

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

The Conspiracy Theorists Go Over the Edge

This whole Conspiracy Theorist Pilgrimage Weekend idea has gone horribly wrong. We thought it would be nice - get them all in one place at the same time Lots of cross-fertilisation of ideas in the bar. Maybe we'd get some new conspiracy theories, I thought. We only have the Moon Gibbon Folk here and I'd like to have a decent, convincing theory we  could call our own.

But we were very explicit about the dangers around our Community. We told them at the Orientation session that the far end of the Long Meadow was out of bounds. Made it quite clear that the sign saying "Dim Mynediad" was not a joke*.

So imagine my annoyance when the Flat Earthers went through the gate at the far end of the field. And fell straight off the edge of the world. You'd have thought they of all people would have known to keep an eye out. They'd have known it was around somewhere, surely?

Anyway, the good news is, we got payment up front.


*We use Welsh for all Beaker signage. We assume it's nearer to the original Beaker than anything else. Although we did have that slight problem when we mistranslated "Beware of the Giant Frog" as "Look at the Enormous Dress". Very messy, that.

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

On the Ineffectiveness of Tin Foil Hats

A typically disparaging piece on tin foil hats in Wikipedia shows the sort of prejudice the tin-foil-hat-wearing community has to face every day.

It's wrong and it's unfair to criticise those who quite reasonably think that wearing a couple of layers of metal around your brain stops the Government from reading, or indeed controlling, your thoughts.

But a thought struck me today, as the Beaker Tin Foil people were having one of their whispered meetings in the Lead-Lined Room. (I still think the window was a mistake).

We call it "tin foil". But it ain't made of tin any more. It's been made of aluminium (or "aluminum" if you spell like Donald Trump) for decades.

And you know what I reckon? I reckon it's a Government trick.

Who arranged things so that aluminium replaced tin as the foil raw material of choice? Well, who legally threatened Alcoa, the major manufacturer of aluminium - thus breaking its monopoly and reducing prices? That's right. The US government.

Why did they do that? It's obvious, isn't it? Because tin foil does indeed protect your brainwaves.

But aluminium foil doesn't. It's all so clear.

So anyway. I've set up an offshoot of Mrs Whimsey's Doily Company. It just sells hats made of tin foil. Proper tin foil. Tin foil made out of tin. Tin that will protect your brain.

It's selling like hot cakes round here, I can tell you. And everybody's thoughts are nice and safe again. Not that they were worth a penny in the first place.

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Chemtrail Control

Can whoever has built that Chemtrail Absorption Device up upn on the hill please remove it?

It's interfering with the satellite dish. Also, mysteriously, the Beaker Folk are getting more creative. And we don't need that.

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Liturgy for Rik Mayall Day (born 7 Mar 1958)

A bunch of "the kids" wander sadly around the Moot House. They mourn the sad, untimely loss of....

......... The People's Poet: OK! Everyone shut up and look at me!

Vyvyan: Oh look Rik! Is that a large koala falling on your head?

Rik: Don't be stupid Vyvyan. Do you think...

A large koala falls on Rik's head.

Neil: I knew something like that was bound to happen.

Rik: Vyvyan! You utter utter....

Vyvyan: Language, Rik. It's a religious service, after all.

A group of nuns gather round their fallen hero.

Mike the Cool Person: Hello, babes. I know it's Lent so are there any habits I can get you out of?

Rik climbs out from under the koala.

Rik: You're just so 1980s Mike. The sleazebag jokes of yesteryear no longer work. The kids of today are like me. Sensitive. Artistic. Creative.

Vyvyan: And not having any sex. Your creator would have been 60 if he were still with us. And you're still a virgin

Rik: I am not a virgin.

Vyvyan: Virgin

Rik and Vyvyan hit each other with assorted household implements and wildlife.

Neil: Anybody want to listen to some Genesis?

Rik [with a hedgehog now stapled to his head]: Now listen here, Neil. Genesis were out of date when we were first created. And now it's 35 years later. Me and Mike are about sick of your hippy equal rights love and peace nonsense. Things will have changed by 2018.

Archdruid: How do you mean?

Vyvyan: Well, we're just characters frozen in time.

Rik: We're  trapped eternally in the early 1980s.

Mike: We've got a media star nobody trusts as US President.

Neil: Labour's led by an old scruffy useless lefty.

Rik:  The Prime Minister's a right wing woman who hates Europe.

Jerzei Balowski: People think Eastern Europeans are scary and just over here to take their money.

Vyvyan: Russia is a threat to world peace.

Rik: But thanks to Punk, and Ska, and "the kids", everything must be better by now?

Archdruid: Oh gosh. I don't know how to break this...

Kevin Turvey: Has the future not turned out how you planned? Do you need someone to find out why? Well don't forget. Kevin's ear.

Archdruid:  Look, how about doing your poem?

Rik:  OK. I am, after all, the People's Poet

So happy birthday, Rik.
You would have been 60 today, Rik.
But you aren't. And we're sad.
Your anarchic comic capers made us glad
And now we're short one comic genius, Rik.

Lord Flashheart: Out of my way, spotty boy! Archdruid! Have I got a candle in my breeches or am I just pleased to see you? Woof!

Eileen: You sure that's not a tea light?

Lord Flashheart: She's got a hat like a cone and a heart of stone. Hurrah!

All: Hurrah!

Lord Flashheart: So let's hear it for old Rikky Mayall. Creator of a string of comic  losers because he had to save all his charisma up for Me! Hurrah!

All: Hurrah!

Alan B'Stard: Loser? I've got the biggest majority in the Commons and I own half of Yorkshire. And through some careful placing of options I'm going to make an absolute killing on Brexit.

All: Hurrah! No, wait...

Archdruid: We will now sing "The Young Ones" while I attempt to separate Mike and Lord Flashheart from the nuns.

All: Happy birthday Rik Mayall. And thanks.

When Vicars See an Inaccurate Wedding on Telly

Warning - contains spoilers.

Last night I was sitting on the couch with Keith and Charlii. The sun had set, and the rain poured down as the "Beast from the East" had passed over. I had just poured myself a gin and tonic after the exertions of all the filling-up of beakers. And I felt an infinite scream pass through all nature.

Turned out it was a hundred thousand vicars, all watching Cormoran Strike on telly. And simultaneously tweeting, shouting, swearing and seething "you don't say 'I do' at a Church of England wedding!"

We've checked the astral plane. And Cormoran Strike has had much the same effect that a Cormorant Strike would have on a sea plane coming in to land in the Outer Hebrides. Just loads of vicar-shaped holes torn through the fabric of spiritual space-time as every Anglican minister in the country found themselves struck - well, not dumb - they're rarely speechless - more in a state of incoherence at the thought of the wrong form of words at a wedding.

Thing is, it's a matter of risk with the words in Occasional Offices. Get a few words in the funeral wrong and they're still dead. But get a wedding wrong and you might end up as an ad-libbed joke in a JB Priestley production.

So there's not so many thin places around today. But quite a few ripped ones. If you see a vicar this week, be nice to them. What with Cormoran Strike and Call the Midwife, they've had an emotional time.

Not Genuine Quotes? The Real-Life Reverend Joannas

I'd like you to direct you to a book review of "Writes of the Church". But more importantly, to this link to "Eva's Call". .

I'd like to apologise for directing you to the Amazon web page for "Writes" again. Though not too much, as goodness knows it needs selling. The author's garage is full of them. In fact, he's had to get a job in reverse logistics to try and get a few pence to rub together, instead of the retirement villa with a swimming pool he was planning on the back of what he was sure was going to be a huge best-seller. If you don't know what reverse logistics is, don't worry.

Please don't write rude things about Robert Cuin, or his spelling. We all make typos on the Web. Yesterday, for instance, I wrote "Quaertur" meaning "Quaeritur".  If you check the URL you will see that I have since corrected the title but the URL is there until the sun goes cold or Blogger ceases to exist. I could blame the author of the blog from which I copied the word, but I have a responsibility to check. Not just cut and paste. But then I never had the Latin.

But I digress. What Mr Cuin wrote is as follows:

"A little bit “childish” and I can’t believe that these are genuine qoutes"

Well, yes. The book's a bit childish. But then so's the author. And how will we get into the Kingdom of Heaven if we aren't like a child? But are the quotes "genuine"?

In a sense, no. It's a work of fiction. But in another sense, a very real sense, let's consider what the good people of Tremlett have said to Revd Joanna, the curate, over the years - either on the blog or in the book.

There's the member of the congregation that can't understand that she's a woman, and endlessly refers to her as "Father Joanna". The one who worries that, when Joanna's an incumbent, she won't have time to do the baking.  The one who says "it was almost like she was a real priest". The one who complains that they attended a service and "there was a woman pretending to be a priest". The time Norbert had hysterics because Joanna was buying sanitary products at the shop.   The one complaining that the shape of a visiting female priest's vestments makes her attractive to men.

And I wonder - do the blog and the book go too far? Is this ridiculous?

And I then read the things - real things said to real people - real women, real priests, real deacons, real ordinands - real friends of mine, in some cases. Thanks to Alice Watson for putting them together.

No, the quotes in "Writes of the Church" are not genuine quotes. They're not brutal enough, not childish enough. The real quotes are far worse.

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Quaeritur : Are Baptisms in Frozen Water Valid?

QUAERITUR:

Dear Archdruid
We have a baptism due on Sunday and every time we pour water in the font it freezes solid. Is a baptism legitimate if it takes place with ice?

Worried priests are writing to me. All asking the same question: is a baptism effective if the water freezes?

And it's a common concern out here in more rural parts. The heating in Husborne Crawley church is always on the blink. Normally they just close down till spring when this happens, and redirect everyone to Aspley Guise.

The important thing is that the candidate's head comes into contact with the water. And ice is, when all's said and done, water. Obviously there is great symbolism here - the flowing of water represents, among other things, the movement of the Holy Spirit. So I assume an ice-baptism is more suitable in the Church of England, where they have rules to slow the Spirit down.

Gently laying the head of little Chardonnay or Jack Daniel on the surface of the ice would seem to be the best compromise. Too fast a contact would result in their heads being banged on the ice. And too slow might cause them to stick. You might argue that all the godparents round the font, blowing on the candidate's head, would be another symbol of the Spirit. I suggest it would be better not to end up in that situation in the first place.

Adult Baptism with full immersion is another matter. Yes, the ice on the baptistry will never be so thick that they can't fall through it eventually. But the normal pattern of the newly-baptised nipping off to the vestry / lavs afterwards to get changed is disrupted in cold weather. Firstly their drips will freeze on the floor as they walk off - so you may need to grit the church. Secondly, on very cold days they may just freeze completely as they get changed. And finding a naked ice statue, solidified as they put their pants on, is not a sight any verger wants on Monday morning.

The best solution, I would suggest, is a little salt in the water to suppress the freezing point. However be aware that in that case you are making the water much colder. Get them in and out before they go blue. And that includes whoever is conducting the ceremony. No good having shiny adult converts if the minister's in hospital next Sunday.

Finally, people ask me what to do if someone, trapped in such a way that only their leg is sticking out, requests baptism im freezing cold weather.  Well, in these circumstances I'd roll ice cubes up their trouser legs. The ice should melt. OK, if it doesnt land on their heads they'll need a conditional baptism if they're ever rescued. But at least it will take their mind off things while you await rescue.

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

When Goldilocks Got into E-Commerce

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Emma and the Beast

Obviously I blame the Met Office and their Irish equivalents.

They were clearly jealous of America's hurricanes. Each with its own name. So they did it to the Irish and British equivalents. Which are generally heavy downpours. But if they're called Osric or Ortrude or something somehow they're more relatable apparently.

But then they were faced with the prospect of a bit of non-Atlantic-storm-related weather. Realising they couldn't give it a name in the official sequence, instead they personified it as "The Beast from the East."

Which is all very well. But names are powerful things. Give a weather phenomenon a name and it acquires a kind of moral force - a suggestion of purpose. Now we have weather with a personality.

And then we get Emma.

Storm Emma wasn't named by the weather people on the eastern side of the Atlantic. She was named in the Americas. And has made it across the Pond with all her faculties intact.

So what do the Beaker Folk do when the Beast comes from the East and Emma drives across from the West? They mythologise and anthropomorphise.

Now the Moon Gibbon Folk are rooting for the Beast - who they think may be able to give the Great Gibbon itself a good hiding should they meet up. While the Fertility Folk are supporting Emma - a good, wholesome English name, they say. The rival cults are even now praying to their respective deities to grant good weather.

Those Beaker Folk who are better at geography are concerned that Emma and the Beast are going to meet up at some point. And wonder what will happen. Some hypothesise that plucky Emma is going to slay the Beast, somewhere over Stonehenge, Spring will come, and the song of the turtle will again be heard in the land. Others point out the coincidence  with the casting of "Beauty and the Beast" and wonder whether they'll settle down and raise a family of young zephyrs.

And some, reflecting on the violence of Storm Emma and the chilly indifference of The Beast, are predicting terrible warfare in the heavens.

Giant idols of Emma and the Beast have appeared in the Orchard. Personally I reckon they've got her nose wrong. But that doesn't really matter.

What does matter is that they should never name another weather system. Numbers will be far more suitable. Just start at 1 and work up. A number won't hate you, take delight in blowing your house down, or laugh as the blizzard howls round your house. You can count on numbers.