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Wednesday, 7 March 2018

Liturgy for Rik Mayall Day (born 7 Mar 1958)

A bunch of "the kids" wander sadly around the Moot House. They mourn the sad, untimely loss of....

......... The People's Poet: OK! Everyone shut up and look at me!

Vyvyan: Oh look Rik! Is that a large koala falling on your head?

Rik: Don't be stupid Vyvyan. Do you think...

A large koala falls on Rik's head.

Neil: I knew something like that was bound to happen.

Rik: Vyvyan! You utter utter....

Vyvyan: Language, Rik. It's a religious service, after all.

A group of nuns gather round their fallen hero.

Mike the Cool Person: Hello, babes. I know it's Lent so are there any habits I can get you out of?

Rik climbs out from under the koala.

Rik: You're just so 1980s Mike. The sleazebag jokes of yesteryear no longer work. The kids of today are like me. Sensitive. Artistic. Creative.

Vyvyan: And not having any sex. Your creator would have been 60 if he were still with us. And you're still a virgin

Rik: I am not a virgin.

Vyvyan: Virgin

Rik and Vyvyan hit each other with assorted household implements and wildlife.

Neil: Anybody want to listen to some Genesis?

Rik [with a hedgehog now stapled to his head]: Now listen here, Neil. Genesis were out of date when we were first created. And now it's 35 years later. Me and Mike are about sick of your hippy equal rights love and peace nonsense. Things will have changed by 2018.

Archdruid: How do you mean?

Vyvyan: Well, we're just characters frozen in time.

Rik: We're  trapped eternally in the early 1980s.

Mike: We've got a media star nobody trusts as US President.

Neil: Labour's led by an old scruffy useless lefty.

Rik:  The Prime Minister's a right wing woman who hates Europe.

Jerzei Balowski: People think Eastern Europeans are scary and just over here to take their money.

Vyvyan: Russia is a threat to world peace.

Rik: But thanks to Punk, and Ska, and "the kids", everything must be better by now?

Archdruid: Oh gosh. I don't know how to break this...

Kevin Turvey: Has the future not turned out how you planned? Do you need someone to find out why? Well don't forget. Kevin's ear.

Archdruid:  Look, how about doing your poem?

Rik:  OK. I am, after all, the People's Poet

So happy birthday, Rik.
You would have been 60 today, Rik.
But you aren't. And we're sad.
Your anarchic comic capers made us glad
And now we're short one comic genius, Rik.

Lord Flashheart: Out of my way, spotty boy! Archdruid! Have I got a candle in my breeches or am I just pleased to see you? Woof!

Eileen: You sure that's not a tea light?

Lord Flashheart: She's got a hat like a cone and a heart of stone. Hurrah!

All: Hurrah!

Lord Flashheart: So let's hear it for old Rikky Mayall. Creator of a string of comic  losers because he had to save all his charisma up for Me! Hurrah!

All: Hurrah!

Alan B'Stard: Loser? I've got the biggest majority in the Commons and I own half of Yorkshire. And through some careful placing of options I'm going to make an absolute killing on Brexit.

All: Hurrah! No, wait...

Archdruid: We will now sing "The Young Ones" while I attempt to separate Mike and Lord Flashheart from the nuns.

All: Happy birthday Rik Mayall. And thanks.

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